baaah!
k.. im really really frustrated right now! i saw phantom of the opera last night (and loved it) and once again, feel like i dont belong in this world. Why couldnt i have been born in a time when there was still mystery, and spontinuity, and our lives weren't scheduled out until the day we die. the world these days is just so mechanical and life-less; everything is planned to be of the best economic use. buildings aren't built for grandeur or beauty and intricacy anymore, they're built to maximise space and profitisation. people dont often have dreams of epic love or fulfilling their destiny or whatever... all people seem to think about is money, how can they get ahead, how can they get on top and succed? things like loyalty, and wisdom, generosity, and love come in second place to ambition and success, these days. suddenly marriage has become reversible, so its not like.. sacredish anymore;... if u screw up, u can just divorce right? even love... saying "i love you" has become as common and meaningless as saying "im hungry" or something. people marry all the time for money, and convenience and stuff.. i dunno i just feel like the epic love of history and stories has been desecrated kinda.. why does money have to be the only route to happiness? of course, that's only an illusion that man has in this day and age; there is nothing forcing us to think that way and live our lives accordingly.. but somehow, we are all trapped into this routine life of schooling and work. i mean..i feel it too; at this point my life, the plan is to go to uni, become a doctor, get married w/ kids, and on and on... u guys know the story. its all people ever do these days. and even though i long to live a life where i try to find happiness by whatever means seems right to me, not just through money, i feel trapped too..and yes, i know its hypocritical of me , whining about the conformity of this world, and making no plan to try to change my life to what id like it to be.. but once, again, i feel trapped into this life plan. dare i even try change it? after the 20-somthing thousand dollars this year alone cost for this damn school (yes, i know that is a CRAZY amount, for all u nido-ers, my parents are very generous.. ); let alone ALL the other years of private schooling.. can I really throw away the life my parents had in mind for me when paying for this pricey education? can i dissapoint them like that, just to make myself feel better about the world i was born into? and inevitably, of course, this dream and plan for success has rubbed off on me a bit.. being pushed to do well in school, being pressured to learn all i can so that it can help me to get ahead..im ambitious myself... can i dissapoint the ambitious side of me? im used to a certain lifestyle; i know im spoiled and everything, but thats just the way ive always lived, and i know i like my lifestyle.. i mean..right now, im writting to people halfway around the world about my mounting frustration, from the convenience of a laptop, while im bored. i know i wouldnt like not being able to keep in touch with old friends. i know i wouldnt like not having the time or means of expressing myself, and i know that in my eternal laziness, i wouldnt even like not being able to do all these things with such little effort; just typing on my little laptop wherever i feel. maybe even more important then alll those other reasons; i have been given the opportunity and education to do something, to make a difference and help people in the world. so many people dont have that chance.. how can i just throw it away, and not try to help them?? anyway i gotta frantically run to data manage mentnow.. ill finish this thought later.