(no subject)
I feel like all of a sudden, life is crazy.
I have so much stuff to do at school, but I havent been doing it. I am slacking really bad, but the thing of it is, I almost don't even care. Like Calculus? Who the hell needs that anyway?
And then there's everything going on with friends...my girlfriends are solid as always. There are no doubt about anything between us, but it seems like every individual has some crazy thing going on in their life, it is so hard to keep track.
I talked with Rachael and Alyssa today in Bio about how much everything has changed. Over the past year, over the past couple years...it seems to me that lately, no one can stand this town anymore...I read peoples away messages and it's like they hate everything about this town and all the people in it, but that's such bull. Instead of making the best of the time you have left with your friends, you're going to throw it all away by complaining about everything. Suck it up. 3 or 4 more months and then you don't ever have to turn back if you don't want.
Rachael asked if you ever just wish you could be 6 years old again. No worries, no problems, no stress...I wish I could. The thing is, when you're six, you can't wait to grow up and do "big kid things" but then you actually get here and you'd give anything to have it back the way it was. It's funny, everything kind of ties into this right now. In philosophy, we're watching The Matrix and one of the questions that was asked to us was "Is ignorance bliss?" There's one guy in the movie who has seen the quote "real world" and decides to go back to the dream world or "the matrix". I think, in a way, getting older is kind of like that. You always wonder what it's going to be like, only to find out it's not all it's cracked up to be. If I had the chance to go back to being six, I would do it in a heartbeat.
In philosophy and with Alys and Rach today, we were talking about true happiness vs. just contentment. And I was trying to think, when was the last time I was truly happy? I can remember it so clearly....Last spring, I was just starting to be friends with all the girls, I had this wonderful guy in my life who seemed so perfect, I was starting to be friends with this great group of guys whom I would still do anything for, my family was great, my dad and I were always talking, my mom had time for me, I talked to my sister all the time...I was truly happy...just content with everything in my life. Today, while talking about it, I kind of realized everything in my life has taken this huge nosedive and I can't pinpoint exactly where it started... summer came and went. As of right now, it was the best summer I have ever had. I laughed sooo much...when school started, things changed...the boy situation didn't work out like I'd hoped. My dad and I both got really busy, he started drinking more and now we are hardly ever home at the same times. My mom started dating the love of her life, and no matter how happy I am for her, it cuts down on the amount of time she spends with me...my sister's in her apartment this year and has a job so we don't talk as much as either of us would like to...and then when Laura died, for a brief moment in time, it seemed like all our friends would get closer than we ever were...but it feels like it's kind of gone the other way...Those boys that I love so much found a different group of girls, and us girls starting hanging out with different boys as well, and partying more than ever. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life, its just that when I analyze the situations, it feels like there have been better days.
Today, I was visiting an ex-boyfriend and very close friend, someone who has been there for me through some pretty rough times and someone I will always love very much. Well, he and two of his friends were getting ready to leave the house, and we went outside and I don't really know what came over me, but I just reached down and grabbed this handful of snow and threw it down the driveway to where his friends were waiting...it ended up turning into this big snowball fight that lasted for a good 5 minutes or so, but in that moment, I could just forget about all the other things going on in my life. I felt like I was that 6 year old, even if it only lasted for a couple of minutes....I just wish I knew how to hang onto that....