Today was... um... just read!
So today was strange. Lots of circumstance.
I went to the show this weekend so that I could sell off that PESKY 460 XVR. It has been the bane of my firearms life since the day I bought it. I just want it gone and not be cheated out of the price.
Managed to trade off my Beretta PX4 storm. It was a good gun and all but I couldn't shoot it worth a damn, too many moving parts, and it was beginning to shred its own frame. Since when is it good to own something that rips itself apart if you properly take care of it?
So it was traded for the Jericho 941. I know what people are thinking... first I'm a freak. Yes I realize that. That will be covered in just a few moments. Second, what the hell is a Jericho 941? It's the 9mm Spike uses in Cowboy Bebop. Mine is a little different because it has a frame mounted safety instead of slide mounted. I like that position better because I can flip it without accidentally reactivating it (a shortfall of the PX4). Also, it is made out of steel so it will NEVER shred itself (like the REAL Beretta 92). In addition, it has no decocker. Perfect! Now I can carry it like an HK. That takes one more thing off my list. Why pay for an HK when I can use something that shoots better for nearly a third of the price? You do the math. No offense to Angelina Jolie who apparently has a thing for HKs. She even owns a real pair of the ones she used in Tomb Raider. Hell... she can afford em'. Let her have em'.
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Okay so onto another subject. I probably shouldn't have opened with the prior thoughts but it is too late. My mind works like this.
My brother refuses to confront me. Instead he speaks to me through mom. You see... Kaiya (Jason's daughter) has been coming over often. She's not even a year old yet but she is a cute little bundle of joy. Too bad I'm busy doing prep for the work day whenever I see her. With a baby in the house, I am sure to close my door, unload my firearms, lock my guns away, and keep them out of reach. However, apparently someone has been going through my room. Jason told mom that him and his wife are both concerned that I might be going cuckoo (my mom's words). Too much time at the computer (strangely NOT updating my journal), owning too many firearms, and too much time looking at firearms. His other concern is that I shouldn't be FLASHING them around so much because people might come and steal them. Now... do I take a higher road here and leave it be? In real life... YES. But this is MY JOURNAL BITCH! So here it goes...
Jay has no right to say things like that to me. He bought an HK well before I even considered buying ANY firearm. Jason seems to spend too much time watching UFC fights and martial arts training videos. How about them apples? Sure... he can go out on the weekends and have a few drinks. NOT MY STYLE! Some people don't like BEING BOTHERED. Doesn't mean I'm a potential terrorist or serial killer. Maybe a real CEREAL KILLER. Love those little flakes.
Sure it's okay for him to own every professional fight ever done by his favorite fighters. He can take Jiu-Jitsu. He can work out. He can take "hormonal supplements" to alter his physical abilities. He can watch his wife drink during her breast feeding period. He can do rough stuff like powerlifting and MMA with arthritic shoulders.
But me... no I'm the problem one. I own firearms. Anything else your honor? I spend too much time by myself? Well maybe other people aren't that interesting. Maybe I'm too old for my own age and don't need to drink and party to get along? Maybe I'm just a geek who has some masculine habits? MAYBE I'M DIFFERENT. Why is it okay for a 10 year old to be a fan of pro wrestling and it's not okay for a grown man to be a fan of GUNS? It just seems like EVERYONE is trying to take me out of the things I LIKE! I started lifting weights... Mom hates that! I want to get married... Mom AND Dad think that could be bad! I own a few firearms... JAY and his WIFE are opposed to that! I am on the computer feeding my insatiable appetite for information... NOBODY thinks that's good! I play videogames... Don't even go there... Mom and Dad tried to destroy that hobby over the years without much success. They take away my PS3 (that I PAID FOR MYSELF) and it's on.
They actually went into my room, and counted the number of guns I own. WTF is that? I don't go around checking out their house! Goddamn it!
Does he not think I want to buy a safe for my firearms? I REALLY DO! The problem is that I live with mom and dad. No room here. I can't even turn 360 degrees in my own room. Forget anywhere else in the house. I should just buy that Biometric safe that sticks in the wall.
It pisses me off that SO MANY people have thought that I'm a Columbine Case! Even in high school. Goddamn that fucking POTENTIAL STUDENT LIST! A list of quiet students who could stage a Columbine incident because the quiet instability factor resides in their actions. As if being in 3 different choirs wasn't stressful enough at times... student teaching... and a part time job. Now I had to be "watched" to make sure that I would not KILL anyone.
Let's get a few things straight people. IF (and that is a big IF) I ever wanted to kill a group of people or ONE PERSON, it would not be with the current materials I have. HELLO! I'm a FUCKING SCIENTIST! Do you not think I know how forensics works? Bullets are NOT a good way to kill people. Lead residue on clothes, barrel markings on bullets, LOUD bangs, and there still is a chance that you might miss! Sure you could assassinate someone using a silenced 22. But I don't own one of those. In addition, if I ever do... I'm making it legal. The government has my name on all my firearms. Registered to my SSN. That means that if I do anything at all with them, ANYTHING AT ALL... I can be sent to jail no question because I have no defense. If I were to own a converted firearm or a suppressed one, I would register it and pay the tax on it. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!
Plus, let's not forget something... Kaiya is still less than a year old. Can't even stand on her own two legs. Isn't old enough to reach or use doorknobs. If she gets to that age and I'm still living at home, I'll buy a fucking DOOR LOCK. I don't plan on being here that long. I wouldn't be able to live like this for that long.
For the record... I have a CPP. That stands for Concealed Pistol Permit. In Washington state you can open carry. Believe it or not. This state allows you to openly carry a firearm. Do I ever do it? FUUUUUUUUUCK NO! You'd have to be mental to do that around here! I do exactly as my permit tells me. I conceal it. No one ever notices when I'm wearing one. They can't tell that I'm transporting one! Every responsible gun owner knows, you DO NOT EVER let people know you are carrying. EVER! You do not brandish your weapon unless you are ready to defend yourself! I don't FLASH my weapons around! I can get arrested for that! For a guy who wanted to be a cop... He sure doesn't know SHIT about the laws.
For the record... I have worn a magnum revolver, a Polymer 45 AUTO, and a 9mm around Aa-chan. Going to dinner, picking her up from the airport, driving her around town, going to the movies, etc. etc. etc. Unless I tell her that I'm wearing a weapon, she never knows. We're quite an affectionate couple. So trust me, there's a lot of hugging and snuggling and hand holding, and etc. But she never notices it. Concealed... even to my fiance'.
I'm just that good.
--------
Moving on though...
Strange thing happened today.
My parents decided to eat Thai food which is strange enough as is considering they hate coconut milk, sweet food, and most things FISHY (well my mom likes that but my dad HATES it). But the real kicker is that after dinner they decided to peruse Wal-Mart for a while. I figured no big deal. I needed some more lubricant, wipes, and hand cloths... GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER! I was out of cleaning and maintenance supplies. So I'm in the sporting section picking those things up. It turns out they're having a sale on 22 ammo. DIRT CHEAP. So I wait for an associate to turn up. 20 minutes later I'm still waiting. The stock boys are all looking at me like I'm psycho for waiting there. So I go to the next section. No one is there either. Go to the other section. NO ONE! Then finally found some people at electronics. Asked them if one could help me get something out of the case. They page the guys who are supposed to be working the counters I just went to. Why do the words "smoke break" come to mind? Cigarettes or whatever... doesn't matter, those guys were gone. So I make my way back to the counter and wait for a sec. Suddenly I see someone there...
Not an associate.
I have to squint a bit because SHE looks so familiar. I can't put my finger on it. Then I notice the taller lurch of a man standing behind her. A kid in her cart. Her hair flicks a bit. Her eyes give me a familiar shine. Oh my god...
It's Jen. I haven't seen her for... 6 years now. I'm stunned. I can't move from that spot. For the first time in a long time, I'm absolutely speechless. My conscience is well intact. I can't say anything or else I might do something rude at this moment that would probably make her hate my guts later.
She smiles and asks how I'm doing. She seems a TINY bit surprised to see me but not surprised at all. Just like her. She has that same warm smile. I can't say anything but short sentences that are to the point. I can feel right away that I'm being a bit obvious that I'm uncomfortable. She knows it. Jen could always feel me out and read my mind like an open book. She starts the conversation because she's good to me like that. I spot the kid and see if he'll talk. He gets shy all of a sudden. She reintroduces her husband again. I said I remember him. He gives me this look... I've seen it so many times when he looks at me. I think she might have talked about me a bit when they started dating and got married or something. It's the same uncomfortable look I probably had at that moment. Suddenly... she just asks if I'm married yet. I say not yet. She asks if there's someone in my life or whatever. I say that there's someone and we'll see where things land with that. She smiles. She all ready knows that I'm bluffing. She probably suspects it's to make her feel better. A small gesture from me to her. Just like the way we used to be. She bids me a fair adieu and we part ways again. By now... I don't give a shit about the AMMO. I leave the counter. Pay for my stuff and come home.
You know... I don't care what anyone else says about Jen. Sure she married a guy who wasn't known as the best kind of guy. Sure she slept with her boyfriends and openly talked about it. Sure she had an abusive childhood. But she's making her life how she wants it now. That's all that counts.
Between me and her... we probably could have been married at this point. But... things happen for a reason. You know I've been praying to see Jen one more time in this lifetime. Not to get with her or anything. I just needed to close the chapter. She was one of the girls that I fell in love with. Not because of how she looked, not because she talked about sex, and not because she "put out". A few of my friends had ongoing hatred towards her because of all that. But I can't hate her. I just don't have it in me. Jen was amazing to me because was one of the few people who could glance at my face and tell me exactly what I was feeling. This is not lovey dovey romantic talk. I've actually confirmed that she can instantaneously read my mind and there have been a few times she wanted to enact those thoughts for me. Just that gesture alone makes her immortal in my heart and mind. Even though those "versions" of us that could have made it are long burned and dead... I can't help but see her as she used to be.
Now here hair is long and natural brown. Her skin is a normal tone with no off colors. Obviously fell into the mom trap and hasn't reclaimed her high school physique yet.
But all I could see standing there was that bright eyed high school girl with the short hair dyed fiery red, milky white skin that only further enhanced her freckles, a laugh that could enchant me for hours, and a mind and soul that could wrap itself around me and make me into a cocoon of utter bliss.
Now don't get me wrong. Seeing her didn't make me feel sad AT ALL. Not even one bit. In fact... I felt... strangely... moved on. To kind of summarize what happened there. It's like... reading a book. You get to a part where they allude to a prior event but you don't remember the details in full vividness. So you put your finger on the page you're currently on, scuttle to the other part, put your finger on that page, and then flutter back and forth to check your work. Finally, you hack out all the details and then finish the chapter. Jen was a part of my life and a part of my thought processes for a long time. I will never forget her but that cog in my brain is totally gone now. She is a beautiful person to me... and I won't ruin that for either of us.
Yes, I'm still gonna marry Aa-chan. Don't worry about it. Jen and I had a very intense back and forth kind of flirtation. But if we were together today, I don't think that things would have turned out okay. That dimension of my life would have crippled me a lot. I'm confident that she's happy and that's all that matters. It's time for me to start making MYSELF happy. Whenever I try to do that... people tend to get in the way (See above dotted line)
I love Aa-chan with all my heart. She's probably the only other person who will listen to my thoughts and genuinely make an effort to help my happiness and dreams along. I don't know why that's so hard for people to understand about me. I just want support and understanding. I don't care if we agree or not... but those two things are definitely enough for me. Why it took this long for me to meet someone like that is a bad example of how the world is.
I just like to make the trade. If I help you become happy and support your dreams... I just expect a little help with both of mine as well.
S'all I want.
Look at the scars of people and realize that...
Life is... Another Story.
I went to the show this weekend so that I could sell off that PESKY 460 XVR. It has been the bane of my firearms life since the day I bought it. I just want it gone and not be cheated out of the price.
Managed to trade off my Beretta PX4 storm. It was a good gun and all but I couldn't shoot it worth a damn, too many moving parts, and it was beginning to shred its own frame. Since when is it good to own something that rips itself apart if you properly take care of it?
So it was traded for the Jericho 941. I know what people are thinking... first I'm a freak. Yes I realize that. That will be covered in just a few moments. Second, what the hell is a Jericho 941? It's the 9mm Spike uses in Cowboy Bebop. Mine is a little different because it has a frame mounted safety instead of slide mounted. I like that position better because I can flip it without accidentally reactivating it (a shortfall of the PX4). Also, it is made out of steel so it will NEVER shred itself (like the REAL Beretta 92). In addition, it has no decocker. Perfect! Now I can carry it like an HK. That takes one more thing off my list. Why pay for an HK when I can use something that shoots better for nearly a third of the price? You do the math. No offense to Angelina Jolie who apparently has a thing for HKs. She even owns a real pair of the ones she used in Tomb Raider. Hell... she can afford em'. Let her have em'.
-------
Okay so onto another subject. I probably shouldn't have opened with the prior thoughts but it is too late. My mind works like this.
My brother refuses to confront me. Instead he speaks to me through mom. You see... Kaiya (Jason's daughter) has been coming over often. She's not even a year old yet but she is a cute little bundle of joy. Too bad I'm busy doing prep for the work day whenever I see her. With a baby in the house, I am sure to close my door, unload my firearms, lock my guns away, and keep them out of reach. However, apparently someone has been going through my room. Jason told mom that him and his wife are both concerned that I might be going cuckoo (my mom's words). Too much time at the computer (strangely NOT updating my journal), owning too many firearms, and too much time looking at firearms. His other concern is that I shouldn't be FLASHING them around so much because people might come and steal them. Now... do I take a higher road here and leave it be? In real life... YES. But this is MY JOURNAL BITCH! So here it goes...
Jay has no right to say things like that to me. He bought an HK well before I even considered buying ANY firearm. Jason seems to spend too much time watching UFC fights and martial arts training videos. How about them apples? Sure... he can go out on the weekends and have a few drinks. NOT MY STYLE! Some people don't like BEING BOTHERED. Doesn't mean I'm a potential terrorist or serial killer. Maybe a real CEREAL KILLER. Love those little flakes.
Sure it's okay for him to own every professional fight ever done by his favorite fighters. He can take Jiu-Jitsu. He can work out. He can take "hormonal supplements" to alter his physical abilities. He can watch his wife drink during her breast feeding period. He can do rough stuff like powerlifting and MMA with arthritic shoulders.
But me... no I'm the problem one. I own firearms. Anything else your honor? I spend too much time by myself? Well maybe other people aren't that interesting. Maybe I'm too old for my own age and don't need to drink and party to get along? Maybe I'm just a geek who has some masculine habits? MAYBE I'M DIFFERENT. Why is it okay for a 10 year old to be a fan of pro wrestling and it's not okay for a grown man to be a fan of GUNS? It just seems like EVERYONE is trying to take me out of the things I LIKE! I started lifting weights... Mom hates that! I want to get married... Mom AND Dad think that could be bad! I own a few firearms... JAY and his WIFE are opposed to that! I am on the computer feeding my insatiable appetite for information... NOBODY thinks that's good! I play videogames... Don't even go there... Mom and Dad tried to destroy that hobby over the years without much success. They take away my PS3 (that I PAID FOR MYSELF) and it's on.
They actually went into my room, and counted the number of guns I own. WTF is that? I don't go around checking out their house! Goddamn it!
Does he not think I want to buy a safe for my firearms? I REALLY DO! The problem is that I live with mom and dad. No room here. I can't even turn 360 degrees in my own room. Forget anywhere else in the house. I should just buy that Biometric safe that sticks in the wall.
It pisses me off that SO MANY people have thought that I'm a Columbine Case! Even in high school. Goddamn that fucking POTENTIAL STUDENT LIST! A list of quiet students who could stage a Columbine incident because the quiet instability factor resides in their actions. As if being in 3 different choirs wasn't stressful enough at times... student teaching... and a part time job. Now I had to be "watched" to make sure that I would not KILL anyone.
Let's get a few things straight people. IF (and that is a big IF) I ever wanted to kill a group of people or ONE PERSON, it would not be with the current materials I have. HELLO! I'm a FUCKING SCIENTIST! Do you not think I know how forensics works? Bullets are NOT a good way to kill people. Lead residue on clothes, barrel markings on bullets, LOUD bangs, and there still is a chance that you might miss! Sure you could assassinate someone using a silenced 22. But I don't own one of those. In addition, if I ever do... I'm making it legal. The government has my name on all my firearms. Registered to my SSN. That means that if I do anything at all with them, ANYTHING AT ALL... I can be sent to jail no question because I have no defense. If I were to own a converted firearm or a suppressed one, I would register it and pay the tax on it. I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE!
Plus, let's not forget something... Kaiya is still less than a year old. Can't even stand on her own two legs. Isn't old enough to reach or use doorknobs. If she gets to that age and I'm still living at home, I'll buy a fucking DOOR LOCK. I don't plan on being here that long. I wouldn't be able to live like this for that long.
For the record... I have a CPP. That stands for Concealed Pistol Permit. In Washington state you can open carry. Believe it or not. This state allows you to openly carry a firearm. Do I ever do it? FUUUUUUUUUCK NO! You'd have to be mental to do that around here! I do exactly as my permit tells me. I conceal it. No one ever notices when I'm wearing one. They can't tell that I'm transporting one! Every responsible gun owner knows, you DO NOT EVER let people know you are carrying. EVER! You do not brandish your weapon unless you are ready to defend yourself! I don't FLASH my weapons around! I can get arrested for that! For a guy who wanted to be a cop... He sure doesn't know SHIT about the laws.
For the record... I have worn a magnum revolver, a Polymer 45 AUTO, and a 9mm around Aa-chan. Going to dinner, picking her up from the airport, driving her around town, going to the movies, etc. etc. etc. Unless I tell her that I'm wearing a weapon, she never knows. We're quite an affectionate couple. So trust me, there's a lot of hugging and snuggling and hand holding, and etc. But she never notices it. Concealed... even to my fiance'.
I'm just that good.
--------
Moving on though...
Strange thing happened today.
My parents decided to eat Thai food which is strange enough as is considering they hate coconut milk, sweet food, and most things FISHY (well my mom likes that but my dad HATES it). But the real kicker is that after dinner they decided to peruse Wal-Mart for a while. I figured no big deal. I needed some more lubricant, wipes, and hand cloths... GET YOUR MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER! I was out of cleaning and maintenance supplies. So I'm in the sporting section picking those things up. It turns out they're having a sale on 22 ammo. DIRT CHEAP. So I wait for an associate to turn up. 20 minutes later I'm still waiting. The stock boys are all looking at me like I'm psycho for waiting there. So I go to the next section. No one is there either. Go to the other section. NO ONE! Then finally found some people at electronics. Asked them if one could help me get something out of the case. They page the guys who are supposed to be working the counters I just went to. Why do the words "smoke break" come to mind? Cigarettes or whatever... doesn't matter, those guys were gone. So I make my way back to the counter and wait for a sec. Suddenly I see someone there...
Not an associate.
I have to squint a bit because SHE looks so familiar. I can't put my finger on it. Then I notice the taller lurch of a man standing behind her. A kid in her cart. Her hair flicks a bit. Her eyes give me a familiar shine. Oh my god...
It's Jen. I haven't seen her for... 6 years now. I'm stunned. I can't move from that spot. For the first time in a long time, I'm absolutely speechless. My conscience is well intact. I can't say anything or else I might do something rude at this moment that would probably make her hate my guts later.
She smiles and asks how I'm doing. She seems a TINY bit surprised to see me but not surprised at all. Just like her. She has that same warm smile. I can't say anything but short sentences that are to the point. I can feel right away that I'm being a bit obvious that I'm uncomfortable. She knows it. Jen could always feel me out and read my mind like an open book. She starts the conversation because she's good to me like that. I spot the kid and see if he'll talk. He gets shy all of a sudden. She reintroduces her husband again. I said I remember him. He gives me this look... I've seen it so many times when he looks at me. I think she might have talked about me a bit when they started dating and got married or something. It's the same uncomfortable look I probably had at that moment. Suddenly... she just asks if I'm married yet. I say not yet. She asks if there's someone in my life or whatever. I say that there's someone and we'll see where things land with that. She smiles. She all ready knows that I'm bluffing. She probably suspects it's to make her feel better. A small gesture from me to her. Just like the way we used to be. She bids me a fair adieu and we part ways again. By now... I don't give a shit about the AMMO. I leave the counter. Pay for my stuff and come home.
You know... I don't care what anyone else says about Jen. Sure she married a guy who wasn't known as the best kind of guy. Sure she slept with her boyfriends and openly talked about it. Sure she had an abusive childhood. But she's making her life how she wants it now. That's all that counts.
Between me and her... we probably could have been married at this point. But... things happen for a reason. You know I've been praying to see Jen one more time in this lifetime. Not to get with her or anything. I just needed to close the chapter. She was one of the girls that I fell in love with. Not because of how she looked, not because she talked about sex, and not because she "put out". A few of my friends had ongoing hatred towards her because of all that. But I can't hate her. I just don't have it in me. Jen was amazing to me because was one of the few people who could glance at my face and tell me exactly what I was feeling. This is not lovey dovey romantic talk. I've actually confirmed that she can instantaneously read my mind and there have been a few times she wanted to enact those thoughts for me. Just that gesture alone makes her immortal in my heart and mind. Even though those "versions" of us that could have made it are long burned and dead... I can't help but see her as she used to be.
Now here hair is long and natural brown. Her skin is a normal tone with no off colors. Obviously fell into the mom trap and hasn't reclaimed her high school physique yet.
But all I could see standing there was that bright eyed high school girl with the short hair dyed fiery red, milky white skin that only further enhanced her freckles, a laugh that could enchant me for hours, and a mind and soul that could wrap itself around me and make me into a cocoon of utter bliss.
Now don't get me wrong. Seeing her didn't make me feel sad AT ALL. Not even one bit. In fact... I felt... strangely... moved on. To kind of summarize what happened there. It's like... reading a book. You get to a part where they allude to a prior event but you don't remember the details in full vividness. So you put your finger on the page you're currently on, scuttle to the other part, put your finger on that page, and then flutter back and forth to check your work. Finally, you hack out all the details and then finish the chapter. Jen was a part of my life and a part of my thought processes for a long time. I will never forget her but that cog in my brain is totally gone now. She is a beautiful person to me... and I won't ruin that for either of us.
Yes, I'm still gonna marry Aa-chan. Don't worry about it. Jen and I had a very intense back and forth kind of flirtation. But if we were together today, I don't think that things would have turned out okay. That dimension of my life would have crippled me a lot. I'm confident that she's happy and that's all that matters. It's time for me to start making MYSELF happy. Whenever I try to do that... people tend to get in the way (See above dotted line)
I love Aa-chan with all my heart. She's probably the only other person who will listen to my thoughts and genuinely make an effort to help my happiness and dreams along. I don't know why that's so hard for people to understand about me. I just want support and understanding. I don't care if we agree or not... but those two things are definitely enough for me. Why it took this long for me to meet someone like that is a bad example of how the world is.
I just like to make the trade. If I help you become happy and support your dreams... I just expect a little help with both of mine as well.
S'all I want.
Look at the scars of people and realize that...
Life is... Another Story.
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