Firefly - Giselle (15/?)
Title: Giselle
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Beta-Reader: Thanks go to the amazing revdorothyl.
Character/Pairings: Simon, Jayne/River
Rating: R
Warnings: Post BDM, Violence of the Reavers and Blue Hands variety.
Notes: The prequel to Little Girl Lost, taking place after Miranda is exposed, and three years before Gabriel Tam sets out to find River.
Summary: As the Alliance is ripped apart at the seams, they attempt to recapture their masterpiece. The story of how Jayne Cobb and River Tam left Serenity.
Chapter Fifteen
Simon Tam rubs at his eyes, grimacing when he feels the size of the bags and the amount of grit. No wonder Kaylee is so worried about him these days. He can’t remember the last time he had a full night’s sleep. At least he doesn’t have to worry about Rex tonight.
Zoë, with Inara’s help, was now fully confident in her ability to take care of her child. After only five days’ rest, she had insisted that she’d had enough lying around getting fat. She was ready to get back to work, brushing aside Simon’s advice.
Realizing that Zoë was still physically weak in spite of her claims to the contrary, Mal had dumped most of his expense reports on her, which Zoë had gamely tackled -- after Jayne confirmed that he had no plans in the immediate future to give her back her mare’s leg until the Doc gave his okay. Zoë had calmly covered her baby’s ears and cursed both men.
Idle hands now busy, Zoë bas also been receiving a lot of help from both Inara and Kaylee, who were always ready to hold Rex whenever the first mate was tired. Inara has even moved into Zoë’s room for a week or two to provide any other help the first mate might need.
Mal hasn’t complained much about his cold bed, except to say that “She’ll be gittin’ ideas, now.” He doesn’t seem that upset by the idea, or by the image of Inara with a child in her arms. But then, Inara hasn’t complained at the sight of Mal rocking Rex to sleep in his arms, either.
There is a warmth to the crew now -- not that there wasn’t before. But with the birth of Rex, they’ve all undergone a metamorphosis and become a family. Up until that moment, Simon hadn’t quite realized how much he missed this feeling of belonging. Of having people who loved you unconditionally. Most likely, because he has refused to think too much about his former life and the parents who turned their backs on their own flesh and blood.
Simon shakes his head to banish the thought. He looks down at his sister, and swallows heavily. It is very good that the rest of the crew is occupied with helping Zoë with her new child, or he wouldn’t be able to be here in River’s bunk, where he’s needed most. "You sure you wouldn't like a smoother?"
"No! No!" River shakes her head frantically from side to side, sending her hair flying. "No drugs! No drugs! She won't be able to escape! She'll be pulled into the darkness and I won't be able to find my way back up the rabbit hole." She grabs Simon’s sweater, pulling the sleeve out of shape. “You promised!”
"Okay!" Simon nearly shouts, grabbing his sister's arms so that she can't hurt herself. "Okay," he continues in a much softer tone. He tries to smile. "I won't give you any drugs if that's not what you want."
"It isn't!" River declares.
Simon gently hushes her. “River. Remember the baby.”
“Baby?” River’s eyes go wide.
Simon nods, smiling. “Yes. Zoë’s baby.”
“Named Rex for his father,” River smiles, “like River is named River for her grandfather.” She giggles.
“Yes.” Simon slowly lets go of one of River’s wrists to stroke her sweat-drenched hair. “I remember that day. Mother--” he pauses before forcing himself to carry on. “Mother was very excited about you.”
River’s smile broadens even as it trembles. Tears leak down her cheeks. “I want her.”
Simon swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.
River whimpers.
Her brother leans down and kisses her forehead, pushing down his anger as best he can.
“Angry,” River sobs. “Spikes driving into the girl, coupled with ocean waves and yellow sunshine and mud -- she just wants to feel her own emotions again. She wants her own thoughts, her own mind.” She draws in a deep breath as she pounds at her forehead with her fists.
Simon lunges forward to stop her and gets several painful bruises for his trouble as River lashes out.
“She’s being crushed under all these minds that are not hers!”
River gasps as her brother drags her body up and shakes her gently by the shoulders. River’s eyes widen.
“River! Listen to me!” Simon’s voice is harsh and he has to work hard to keep the tone. “I’m going to have to give you a smoother if you don’t calm down. Do you want that?”
“You promised! No!” River tries to smack him away.
Simon tries to catch River’s eyes. “I promised that I’d only give you drugs if you were going to hurt yourself or someone else. That’s what we agreed,” Simon says through gritted teeth as he tries to keep a firm grip on his sister while reaching across to the night table where he’d placed his bag earlier. His fingers fumble on the bed as River bites down hard on his shoulder and wraps her arms tightly around his arms. Simon reaches forward again and, this time, manages to hook a couple of fingers through the handle and drag it forward. He unzips it, which proves to be a hard task with just one hand.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tells his sister. “I’m just going to give you something to calm down.”
“Not a smoother?” River’s voice is filled with relief and trust.
Simon shakes his head, as he draws out the specific needle he’d prepared earlier from his bag. “No. You and I are going to work this out by talking -- just like you wanted.”
River laughs into his shoulder as Simon takes her suddenly limp arm and injects a lighter form of the smoother drug. One that wouldn’t knock her out immediately, but would relax her muscles, causing her to calm down considerably and make her slightly dozy.
As his sister sighs and slumps against him, Simon’s shoulders shake as relief fills him. She didn’t try to fight him. Simon knows that he’s fairly strong, but he would have no chance against her if River actually hit him with her full strength. He’s had to treat Jayne a couple of times after some of his sparring sessions with River, and Simon knows that River could easily kill him with her bare hands if she wanted.
“Bad thoughts.” River pokes his cheek. “She wouldn’t do that to her ge ge.”
Simon slowly helps River lie back down on her bed and straightens the sheets around her. “I know, mei mei. Believe me, I know.”
River takes his hand. “She knows. Her ge ge is so smart.”
“Something happened to you on Ariel, didn’t it?” Simon asks, not wasting much time.
River slowly blinks at him. “Hmmm?”
Simon squeezes his sister’s hand. “You told me that you’d been building up shields in your mind --”
“Doors,” River interrupts.
“Doors,” Simon automatically corrects himself, “which if I understand correctly served to block out all minds except your own.”
“Was flawed. Only made of sticks, not brick or steel -- strong emotions still forced their way through and hammered the girl’s mind down, but she could have her own thoughts.” River gives a lazy smile. “It’s very nice. To think for oneself.”
Simon looks away, feeling guilty as he always did for pushing his own mind on his sister even if he had no control over it.
River touches his hair. “It’s alright, Simon.”
Simon flashes her a weak smile. “The ‘doors’ - they’re gone now, aren’t they?” He tugs on his ear. “I haven’t seen you this bad since before Miranda.”
“Ge ge is very, very smart.” River’s eyelids droop closed.
Simon gently taps her cheek. As his sister’s eyes flutter open, he asks, “Yes or no, River. They’re gone now?”
River nods, turning on her side. “She’ll have to rebuild them. It will take time, but she will.”
He wants to ask what caused the sudden change, why River no longer has any working ‘doors’, but he needs to concentrate on what’s most important right now. The details will have to come later; right now he needs to work on pulling River’s fractured mind back together again. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Man named Jayne will provide aid needed. He’s very talented at building doors. Told him just once how to do it and by the next day -- poof,” River curls the fingers of her free hand into a ball before stretching them out. “Unless she’s invited in or he forgets to close them in, she can’t feel his thoughts or his emotions.”
“Is that why you like spending so much time with him recently?” Simon stares at River, trying not to think as she gives him the answer he’s been expecting and dreading for the last year, ever since Jayne’s attentions toward River took a drastic turn after Mr. Universe’s moon.
The look on River’s face when she speaks of Serenity’s mercenary reminds Simon of Kaylee when she looks at him. “Not the only reason.” She tugs on Simon’s arm. “Ge ge will have to learn to share.”
Simon looks away.
“It was hard for the girl, too. Learning to share her ge ge.”
Simon turns back toward his sister. “You do know that it’s probably due to the fact that you have limited options that you’ve chosen him?”
River scowls, before her face clears as understanding dawns. “She could use the same argument for ge ge’s relationship with her friend Kaylee, but she will not.”
“Thank you,” Simon mumbles, looking down at River’s hand. “It’s just…,” Simon shrugs helplessly, “you can do better. So much better.”
“I can’t.”
Simon starts at River’s toneless voice. He looks to his sister and has to fight not to cry at the knowing look she gives him. He’s always suspected after that initial medical examination, even as he’s used excuses such as River’s love of dancing to explain why her hymen would be broken. Back in the Core, a broken hymen would have been documented immediately in order that a girl’s virtue would not be brought into question when her marriage contract was being drawn up by her family and her future husband. “You were, weren’t you? There, at that gorram Academy. They r--” River’s hand covers Simon’s mouth, cutting off his words.
She gives Simon a secretive smile. “Isn’t true if he doesn’t say it out loud.”
“River,” Simon’s voice breaks into pieces on her name. He can’t continue. This is a monster he has even less of an idea of how to defeat than his sister’s madness.
River shakes her head as she tightens her grip on Simon’s arm, the drug cocktail wearing off at a rapid pace in the face of her distress.
“Simon - she is damaged goods. Can’t remember the lullabies to sing in babies’ ears. Can’t sing. Can only dance, and the dance has gone wrong. Her children will be strange. Inhuman. Will look human but hide cold steel and bullets underneath. Just like their mother.”
A weaker man would have cried. A weaker man would have raged at what he couldn’t change. A weaker man would have denied River’s words.
Simon Tam holds his sister’s hand.
“Is she human? Too many parts have become a weapon,” River continues, tapping her lip. “Various emotions that are not hers. Perhaps she is a satellite dish?
“The first artificial satellite was launched on October 4, 1957. It was equipped with two different radio frequencies - 20.005 and 40.002 MHz. It was the Soviet Sputnik 1. Helped to further spur the rivalry between Russia and the United States of America from the Earth That Was.
“Both filled with primitive people.
“Perhaps that’s what she’s doing. Sending out signals on two different levels. Would explain why she likes his mind so much. He’s broadcasting on the same frequency she is.
“Should she expect him to perform a mating ritual dance and display his feathers, when both he and the girl and the rest of the birds know that the female bird is already his? Shouldn’t change traditions, but he is. It is she who is going to have to pass the last test if she is to win her mate, not the other way around as it should be. Used to be. But he has already passed the test with flying colours --
“Frequency range of less than 300 to more than 1500 --
“Too soon to demand a ring.”
As his sister continues to ramble on various topics, switching from one to the next like a squirrel running along a maze of branches, Simon listens with growing dread.
Sometime after River’s chattered herself to sleep, Simon slips out of her room and finds himself in the darkened corridor. He could go to Kaylee and the warmth of her room. He could go to his own room that he hasn’t bothered to sleep in for over a year, since River had insisted that she didn’t need a babysitter. He could go to the mess, to the cargo bay, or to Zoë’s room with the excuse that he needs to check up on the baby. He could go anywhere, but in the end, he can’t leave River.
Simon tumbles to the floor, his strings cut. He presses his body against the wall of the corridor and forces his face hard against his kneecaps, breathing harshly.
River did not regain her sanity through the events of Mr. Universe’s moon. She’s just gotten better at disguising her insanity as sanity.
Thin, delicate hands with long fingers that had once never gone a day without practicing the scales on his father’s old keyboard, and which later gained Simon fame in the medical field for their steadiness, reach up to slide through Simon’s thick head of hair. He pushes his fingers halfway through the mess of his hair before he suddenly stops, his nails digging into his scalp.
Simon opens his mouth.
His silent screams echo against the metal walls, floors and ceilings in the darkness of Serenity’s night cycle.
~*~
“You didn’t come to bed last night,” Kaylee comments in the early hours of the next day in the mess, as she sets about making breakfast. She casts one more glance at Simon and tosses into the frying pan several more bacon strips that Mal had bought with his cut from the last job.
The skin around his eyes almost black, Simon looks up from following the trail of one of the whorls on the tabletop. His clothes are rumpled and he smells faintly. He can’t remember the last time he had a shower or a full meal.
“Kaylee? Can I ask you a question?”
“’Course, bao bei!” Kaylee chirps, pouring some water onto the protein dust and mixing it up to resemble something close to porridge.
“Do you think Jayne will marry her?”
Kaylee drops the spoon into the protein mush as she spins around to stare at Simon in shock. “Simon?”
Simon tugs his ear, before he realizes what he’s doing and hastily drops his hand. “River loves him,” he says simply, “or she’s deduced by some sort of logic I don’t understand that Jayne’s the one. Her one. Which just goes to show she is insane, as he’d probably sell his own mother if he thought it would be worth it.”
He looks at Kaylee. Kaylee’s biting the corners of her mouth hard and she looks like she wants to burst out with an “Awwww…!” Of course.
“Will he marry her? Eventually?”
“He might,” Kaylee says, her smile escaping its loose restraints.
Simon rubs his face. “I don’t suppose he’d be willing to give up his ladies of the evening when they’re married. OW!” Simon reaches up to touch his cheek. He stares accusingly at the wadded-up napkin lying on the floor before looking up at Kaylee.
Kaylee, who is staring at him with her hands on her hips.
Go se.
“I don’t know how things were done in the Core, Simon,” Kaylee all but snarls, “but here on the Rim, a man is welcome to keep up with his ‘ladies’ long as he’s willin’ to give ‘em up when he’s ready to start courtin’. An’ they had better be a long distant memory by the time he’s wed.” She cracks her knuckles. “If not, he’ll answer to me.” She smiles brightly. “So, you see, there’s nothin’ to worry about.” Kaylee spins around to rescue the bacon that had almost melted right into the pan. She scrapes at the boiling fat, and flips the meat onto a ready plate.
She scoops some protein mush next to it, and clicks her tongue in irritation when some of the mush lands on the floor. She hops over it to slap the plate down on the table in front of Simon before heading back to the stove to grab a dishcloth to wipe up the pale substance that only slightly resembles real food.
“It would be a strange thing if a man were to give up the company of a Companion after his marriage.”
“Huh?” Kaylee looks at her boyfriend.
“In the Core,” Simon clarifies, stirring his protein mush around with a fork, “a man was expected to continue keeping up his appointments with a Companion, especially if he was from a more well-to-do family like ours.” Simon shakes his head at the idea. “As long as his wife provided him with an heir, it was perfectly acceptable.”
Kaylee gnaws at her lip as she stares down at her callused hands. She knows full well that she’s as far from a Core girl as you can get. Still, she had never even imagined a situation where she would have to share Simon with someone else. Someone like Inara. Tears tickle the back of her eyelids. “Is that what yer pa did?”
Simon looks confused at being asked to think of his father. He slowly shakes his head. “No.” There is a faint smile on his lips. “Whatever else he was, he was faithful to my mother. He loved her as well as he was ever able to love anybody.”
He doesn’t notice how Kaylee’s shoulders slump in relief. “You think you’ll ever forgive ‘im fer not listenin’ to you?”
For a long moment, Simon stares at Kaylee. He opens his mouth several times, only to snap it shut before any rash words can escape. He looks down at his plate, pokes the bacon, looks up at Kaylee, puts his fork down, pulls his sleeves over his hands, rolls them up over his elbows, and tugs hard on his ear. Finally, he says, “There are some things I don’t know how to forgive.”
Kaylee puts down her own plate on the tabletop and takes a place across from Simon. “Really?”
“Yes,” Simon says bluntly. He waves his hand in the air as Kaylee digs into her food. “Intellectually, I know that there is always more than one side to a story, but emotionally, I think that my side is the right one and I just don’t understand how my fath -- anyone can’t see what I see. How he can fail to understand and accept how I feel.”
Kaylee chews on her food thoughtfully before swallowing. She points her fork at Simon. “There was a boy once. He was a real special boy. Had a whole bunch of talents no once else had. I’d never seen a boy like him a’fore. Least, not up close. All polite and spiffy -- like I used to read in stories. Thought he was real nice right off. The type of guy who’d do the right thing, no matter what.”
“This story doesn’t have a happy ending, does it?”
“I think it does.” Kaylee slaps Simon gently on the wrist. “Now, quiet while I finish, Simon Tam.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Kaylee giggles and shakes her head at him. “He was real nice, but he did something I didn’t know quite how to forgive him for, even after I learned why he did it. Took me awhile to see how nice he was after that. ‘Course, one of my big brothers closed his eyes, metaphorical like, and held a real big grudge against the boy an’ his sister, but that’s only ‘cause I almost died, an’ ‘cause he used to like me best outta everyone on board.”
Simon goes pale. “Kaylee….”
“Hush,” Kaylee orders. “This boy, for all the best reasons, used my life to bargain for his safety an’ that of his little sister…. I didn’t know what to think of him after that.”
“Kaylee…. I had to get River safe.”
The girl smiles sadly at him. “I was dying, and you used my life to make my loved ones do what you want. I hated you for that,” she admits, “just a little.”
“Kaylee,” Simon swallows. What to say to her for something he’s not really sorry for, because using her life was necessary at the time? And he’d known (or at least, thought he’d known) from just looking at the wound that she would be alright even without his help just as long as they got her to any doctor within a couple of hours. But neither she nor any one person of her Serenity family knew that, and he had used their fear of Kaylee’s mortality against them. He’d had to get River safe. He’d had to protect his sister. And, he hadn’t really cared at that point, when he was so close to success, about how he accomplished that goal.
He’d pushed the event to the back of his mind later on, as there was so much else he’d had to concentrate on, but the truth is that he had done it. Done to Kaylee the exact same thing Jayne Cobb had later done to himself and River. In both cases, everyone had emerged all right in the end, but Simon had been granted forgiveness relatively quickly and hence, forgotten about the incident, while he’d never forgotten what Jayne did, nor forgiven him. “Why did you forgive me for that?”
Kaylee smiles helplessly. “I just ain’t real good at keepin’ grudges. It makes me tired.” She hoists herself up and across the table to kiss Simon’s cheek. “Everybody’s got a reason to do what they do, and sometimes, it’s a real good one.” She squeezes Simon’s shoulder with her strong, little hand. “You should ask yer pa, if you git the chance.”
“Excuse me?” Simon stares at her in full-blown confusion.
“Your pa,” Kaylee repeats slowly. “Ask ‘im why he didn’t listen. Might make it a bit easier to forgive him.”
Simon swallows, his intent focused on an entirely different man. “Sure. I’ll ask him.”
~*~
After everyone else had finished breakfast at a much more reasonable hour, Jayne sits in the mess, staring at River with something akin to horror in his eyes.
"That is not how you clean a gun, idiot," he says before all but snatching Boudicca away from her and cradling it to his chest, as if River had thrown the firearm against the wall.
River crosses her arms and bites down on the lip that threatens to jut out in disappointment. Instead, she chooses to glower at Jayne in the hopes that he will eventually notice and become instantly ashamed at calling her, a certified genius, an idiot. Or at the very least, remember that she is a girl (and a genius) and shouldn't be spoken to that way.
As Jayne takes apart his gun at almost breakneck speed, Simon stares, mouth agape, behind him, no doubt having problems understanding how someone as mentally inferior as Jayne could possibly consider River an idiot. River sighs. Simon really needs to stop being so surprised that Jayne considers everyone an idiot, compared to himself.
Jayne carefully sets all of the different parts of Boudicca out on the kitchen table, before picking up the leather oiling cloth. "Right. The thing you gotta know about guns is that a clean gun is less likely to get you killed. A dirty gun will kill you. Each an' every time," he snaps when River goes to open her mouth. "You go into a situation with a gun that ain't one hundred percent, an' right when you need it to work most, it won't. Not the way you want it to." He picks up the trigger piece of Boo and carefully draws the oil cloth over it, twisting the piece so that River can better see some of the grit hiding on the piece. "It don't take much," Jayne continues, "just somethin' like that to affect the working. That's why you gotta take care of 'em everyday."
He looks directly at her. "You wanna try again, or just watch?"
River holds out her hand for the trigger piece. "Practice, as the saying suggests, will make perfect the exercise that is currently unfamiliar and strange to inexperienced hands."
"Right...," Jayne says, putting Mal's gun into her open hands. "You can practice on this."
River happily starts to pull the puzzle apart, making sure not to mix Mal's gun pieces with Boudicca’s. She does not think that Boudicca would be so forgiving if River were to accidentally switch parts. Behind Jayne, Simon finally closes his mouth, rubs his temples, and brews a pot of coffee for himself (the only thing he had ever mastered to make for himself). He leans against the counter and watches his sister and the mercenary at work, sipping his drink absently.
"Eighteen, an' you ain't never even been taught to clean yer weapons properly." Jayne shakes his head at the weirdness of it all.
"Nineteen soon," River says, bouncing in her seat.
"That's even worse."
River stops bouncing. She glares at Jayne. "Quantum physics was discovered by--" she begins the lecture viciously.
"'Course," Jayne cuts her off, "you could be worse." He nods his head in Simon's direction.
River nods in agreement. "He takes so much looking after."
It is a show of how tired Simon is that he actually thinks for a moment that he could get away with throwing hot coffee on Jayne and surviving. This happy image is immediately blown when his sister catches his eye and shakes her head sternly. Simon takes another sip of his coffee.
"What d'ya want?" Jayne asks, closing one eye and peering down Boo's barrel.
River frowns, confused. "Pardon?"
"Fer yer birthday. What d'ya want?"
As Simon swallows his coffee down the wrong way, River considers the question quite seriously, setting down the bare skeleton of Mal's gun on the table. Jayne, who by now was used to the fact that River couldn't multi-task and has to think everything over, eyes her for a moment before turning his full attention back on Boo, cleaning the gun with a loving care which he very rarely shows to people.
River idly reaches up to touch her thick braid which Jayne had helped her to make that morning, helping to move her hands in the right direction and stopping her before she over-thought it, like she always did. Today, they had talked about how it was impossible for her to unconsciously pick up a pen. She had to mentally review the various muscles and bones that would be required for such a task before thinking about the sequence of actions that would be required in order to achieve success. It was a process she constantly had to repeat. Always. Jayne had found that fascinating and made her outline the entire thought process.
She knows that she can't just ask Jayne for anything, as there's only so far money will stretch these days, and Jayne sends most of it on to his ma -- even more now that he gave up whoring immediately after their second misadventure with the Blue Hands on Ariel. Based on both her own and his actions, River has established her place in Jayne's life, and already he’s started making new habits that focus around her, including giving up his visits with his prostitutes -- even if, with no planet-fall since Ariel to provide the opportunity for whoring, it is only a firm decision and has yet to be tested. Which is why his gift to her is so important. It needs to be impressive enough that it will send a clear, bold and underlined statement regarding his intentions toward her.
Plus, if she were to ask for anything within a reasonable price range, Jayne would feel like a failure for not properly teaching her the valuable lesson of always taking advantage of another person's kindness in the pursuit of free materialistic possessions, and that if someone else offers to foot the bill at the restaurant, she is to order at least two appetizers, the most expensive main course on the menu, a large bottle of wine and lots of dessert. Jayne had sulked for days after getting a hold of the receipt for a lunch Inara had treated the women-folk to at a really fancy restaurant (Inara had a great nose for sniffing out money on even a Rim planet; Jayne once tried complimenting the woman for that) and finding out that River had only ordered a small Caesar salad. Never mind that River's stomach was far too small to fit all of the food Jayne said she should have ordered. According to him, she should have ordered it all and then asked that it be put into a doggy bag. When River pointed out that she didn't have a dog and that a dog would most likely get sick eating the fine food from the restaurant, Jayne had responded by telling her that the doggy bag would have been for him. River had then rather helpfully and in a very calm voice (calm voices were good when dealing with crazy people, according to Simon's notes) informed Jayne that he was not a dog. Which led to Jayne smacking himself in the forehead, before telling her to just carry on as usual.
Sometimes, River wishes Jayne wasn't so complicated.
~*~
As River busies herself with determining what would be a suitable gift for her nineteenth birthday, Simon studies her over his coffee.
There is no denying that his mei mei has come a long way from the physically and mentally abused creature he rescued from the Alliance laboratory masquerading as a school. When he’d first found her again after all that time spent squandering his inheritance on false leads, the last of his naivety was stripped away at the sight of the little girl strapped down to a chair so she wouldn’t be given the opportunity to hurt herself and thus, waste millions in government money. He hadn’t wanted to believe that she was his sister, at first.
Simon tugs on his ear as a fond smile crosses his face. He’s always been a bad liar, even when trying to deceive himself, and in the end he couldn’t deny that that sad, little creature was his sister.
In those early days on Serenity after Mal woke River up from her cryogenic sleep, it felt like River was dropping breadcrumb after breadcrumb for Simon to find, only for those breadcrumbs to be snatched away by hungry birds, as in the old fairy tale. Simon had always prided himself on his close relationship with his mei mei. She had been the one person who knew him better than anyone else, and he had known her better than anyone else. Quite simply, it had hurt when he realized that he didn’t understand his mei mei -- not her words, not her actions.
Communication had been the key, and Simon, never the best at articulating his thoughts and feelings, had failed to draw his sister back out of her insanity. He could compile a huge collection of data based on her physical injuries and his own observations (he’s locked it away in one of the infirmary cabinets, as if by hiding that information behind a lock and key he can also shut away his nightmares), but a solution wasn’t as simple to discover.
In the end, River had found the solution herself. She always was the smarter one. Revealing Miranda had lifted a weight from her mind, and accessing by her own choice the skills carved into her brain had unlocked the River Tam who’d been hiding underneath the web of trauma, ghosts, and disjointed thoughts.
In the bright light of the day-cycle, Simon can see what he couldn’t see last night. Despite the fact that she still can’t precisely talk in a way that would be understandable to a person of slightly more limited intelligence, River at this moment is as sane as anyone of the crew on Serenity (which is rather questionable at best). He looks at his sister again and at the man she’d made it clear she’d chosen.
She’d hinted last night that she could heal. She just needed the chance, and Simon was the one who needed to give that to her.
Simon carefully places his coffee mug on the counter and steps forward.
He’s going to have to learn very quickly how to share.
~*~
It hits River with all the force and subtlety of a charging rhino.
River is almost appalled by her own stupidity. She is going to have to make Simon give her some tests to make sure that she still qualifies as a genius, after all the brain surgery she unwillingly underwent.
"Man named Jayne," she asks sweetly, "who is the definition of masculinity despite having what is traditionally a name reserved for the female gender, and who possesses very harmonic brain waves?"
Jayne sets down Boo. "It's the ruttin' friendship bracelets, ain’t it?"
"Who also possesses very fine biceps, the likes of which are usually only seen in Simon's textbooks," River finishes smoothly. She pauses for a moment before saying, "Pink will do nicely."
Jayne makes a face. "I'm not wearin' pink."
“Real men wear pink.”
“Name one.”
River pouts, crossing her arms and saying, "She is also open to the colour blue."
Jayne raises an eyebrow, before shaking his head. "It'll be something better than that."
It is with great restraint that River does not poke her nose into Jayne's thoughts. He will not appreciate his surprise being ruined. Instead, she sagely offers, "In the art of gifting possessions unto another person, in celebration of a shared holiday or belief or the anniversary of their birth, it is the thought that counts."
The mercenary's eyes bug out as he stares at Serenity's pilot slack-jawed. After a moment he laughs, slaps his knee and rewards River with a, "Good one…! ‘Thought that counts.’" He laughs harder, clutching his ribs.
River scowls, which unfortunately has the effect of making the bruise on her face from where she fell on the warehouse floor ache. She reaches up to explore the area with just the slightest brush of her fingertip.
Simon had thankfully bought Jayne's story that someone from the mob on Ariel had accidentally elbowed her in the face during the chaos, and there had been very few questions, apart from Simon wanting to know 1) if she’d like to take some medication for the pain, 2) whether she was sure she didn't want the pain medication, followed by 3) did she remember to put her daily cold compress on the burst blood vessels?
While he constantly watched her to ensure that she wasn't going to have a relapse, Simon had gotten slightly better at being less quick to offer up one of his various drug cocktails when she had one of her rare bad days. And her bad days were very bad. But at least she had gotten the point across to Simon that, despite his good intentions, the various medications that he kept injecting into her body sometimes had a worse effect than the illness itself. Simon had kept his promise (despite being absolutely horrified when River had spat in her hand and offered it to him to shake -- he had yelled at Jayne really loudly for teaching his mei mei that Rim custom), although he did usually sit beside her during her bad days and smooth back her hair and talk to her about various topics, offering a welcome distraction. And when she tried to answer and merely jumbled her words, Simon would do his best to unravel the yarn ball of words and carry onward.
It’s hard for River to remember what happens during one of her spells, but Simon always makes sure that she doesn’t do anything bad.
Simon comes to her now, and hands her a cool compress he's just made after seeing her wince. River accepts it gratefully and presses it to her cheek, half-heartedly wishing that Simon would stop his mother-hen act where she is concerned. He worries himself when there is no need to worry and refuses to be convinced that she is better.
To Simon, River will never be one hundred percent well until she once again resembles the child she was at fourteen. River tries to be patient -- she really does -- but sometimes it feels like all she ever does these days is step on eggshells around her brother. She's scared that the stress of their new life is really getting to him and that, if Simon doesn't do something about it soon, he'll work himself into either a coma or a heart attack.
"Hey, Doc," Jayne kicks out a chair, "stop standin' around like a whore waitin' fer her next meal, an' take a seat."
Simon glares in distaste but takes the offered chair nonetheless.
River beams at him, which for some reason causes Simon's oily sludge feeling to increase, only to decrease rapidly as if Simon has poured all of the oil into an airtight jar and hammered down the lid.
Simon studies Jayne for a moment before gingerly picking up one of the pieces Jayne had yet to clean. Jayne watches Simon out of the corner of his eye but makes no comment. After another moment, Simon picks up the spare oiling cloth River had been using, swiftly cleaning the piece with a precision that was born out of his own care for the tools of his trade.
Jayne stiffens for a moment and his gaze flickers over to River. He forcibly relaxes his body that had been poised to leap across the table and slam his bowie knife through Simon’s neck. The girl would never forgive him if he ended her stupid brother’s life for daring to touch Boo. He shifts his grip on the metal in his hand and forces himself to study the piece intently as he draws the oil cloth along its edges.
River sets her hands down in her lap and watches the two men set about their business. It would appear that her ge ge was attempting to bond with her Jayne and that Jayne was letting him. She tucks her knees under her chin and hugs her legs, content to watch the two men she loves best in the 'Verse as they work. She smiles as she notes the delicate way they both treat the weapon Boudicca. Underneath all the differences there is just a hint of similarity in the pride they both take in doing their jobs well. Perhaps if Jayne's betrayal on Ariel hadn't happened all those years ago, they could have had the chance to be friends.
The thought drains some of the joy of this moment away from River, and she has to bite her lip to force herself not to cry. As it is, she closes her eyes and shifts the cold compress so neither Simon nor Jayne can see the water in her eyes.
"Why do you think they did that?" Simon suddenly blurts out into the slightly strained silence of the mess.
"Did what?" Jayne asks absent-mindedly.
"According to what you've just said, not being able to take care of her own weapons puts River at a huge disadvantage. And from what we've seen so far of River's abilities, it would have been simple to -- program," he spits the word out, "that information into her brain. Not only that, but they took away other simple habits you or I would never even think twice about." It's a sign of how serious Simon is that he doesn't bother to take advantage of a chance to insult Jayne here. Simon glares at the part in his hand and scrubs harder. "So why? Why would they do that to their asset?" He sets down the piece a little harder than he needs to.
Jayne eyes River. She squeezes her eyelids tight.
"Best guess is they didn't want her thinkin' fer herself." Jayne begins rapidly assembling Boudicca.
Both Simon and River stare in disbelief at the speed with which Jayne’s putting the gun together. Simon even looks down at his timepiece at one point.
“Everyone knows that the best soldiers are the ones who don’t think or feel nothing fer themselves. Least, that’s the only kind anyone’s ever interested in purchasin’. Guess ‘cause they’re so stupid they wouldn’t even think of goin’ on their own personal vendetta if someone killed one of theirs.” He pauses, seeming to realize what he’s just said, and knowing that he’s just revealed more about himself than he’s ever wanted to.
“I don’t like green,” River blurts out.
As Simon stares at her in confusion, Jayne grins at her in relief, his eyes slightly soft. Staring at her like she didn’t just have a huge bounty on her head, but as if she were the bounty and the hunt all rolled into one.
That look made River’s stomach want to attempt spontaneous combustion. She would have to talk to Jayne about that.
Jayne lays down Boo to take up River’s hands. Both of her hands easily fit within the cocoon of Jayne’s one larger hand. “You sure you don’t want something more…?”
“She wants it to be pink,” River blurts out before she can stop herself.
That look of Jayne’s intensifies, as do the gymnastic exercises of River’s stomach. He grins at her and she really does feel like his girl.
“Alright then. If that’s what you want.” Jayne drops her hands and picking up Boo again. He pauses when he sees Simon. “You okay, Doc?”
Hardly are the words out of Jayne’s mouth when River becomes aware of a strange, swirly feeling. The type she used to get right after Simon had given her the latest drug cocktail and just before her body insisted on throwing up despite her mind’s well-thought-out arguments. She looks to her brother, just in time to see his eyes roll up to the back of his head as he tumbles to the floor in a dead faint.
River and Jayne stare at Simon’s unconscious body in silence.
River finally heaves a heavy sigh. “He takes so much looking after.”
Fandom: Firefly/Serenity
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Beta-Reader: Thanks go to the amazing revdorothyl.
Character/Pairings: Simon, Jayne/River
Rating: R
Warnings: Post BDM, Violence of the Reavers and Blue Hands variety.
Notes: The prequel to Little Girl Lost, taking place after Miranda is exposed, and three years before Gabriel Tam sets out to find River.
Summary: As the Alliance is ripped apart at the seams, they attempt to recapture their masterpiece. The story of how Jayne Cobb and River Tam left Serenity.
Chapter Fifteen
Simon Tam rubs at his eyes, grimacing when he feels the size of the bags and the amount of grit. No wonder Kaylee is so worried about him these days. He can’t remember the last time he had a full night’s sleep. At least he doesn’t have to worry about Rex tonight.
Zoë, with Inara’s help, was now fully confident in her ability to take care of her child. After only five days’ rest, she had insisted that she’d had enough lying around getting fat. She was ready to get back to work, brushing aside Simon’s advice.
Realizing that Zoë was still physically weak in spite of her claims to the contrary, Mal had dumped most of his expense reports on her, which Zoë had gamely tackled -- after Jayne confirmed that he had no plans in the immediate future to give her back her mare’s leg until the Doc gave his okay. Zoë had calmly covered her baby’s ears and cursed both men.
Idle hands now busy, Zoë bas also been receiving a lot of help from both Inara and Kaylee, who were always ready to hold Rex whenever the first mate was tired. Inara has even moved into Zoë’s room for a week or two to provide any other help the first mate might need.
Mal hasn’t complained much about his cold bed, except to say that “She’ll be gittin’ ideas, now.” He doesn’t seem that upset by the idea, or by the image of Inara with a child in her arms. But then, Inara hasn’t complained at the sight of Mal rocking Rex to sleep in his arms, either.
There is a warmth to the crew now -- not that there wasn’t before. But with the birth of Rex, they’ve all undergone a metamorphosis and become a family. Up until that moment, Simon hadn’t quite realized how much he missed this feeling of belonging. Of having people who loved you unconditionally. Most likely, because he has refused to think too much about his former life and the parents who turned their backs on their own flesh and blood.
Simon shakes his head to banish the thought. He looks down at his sister, and swallows heavily. It is very good that the rest of the crew is occupied with helping Zoë with her new child, or he wouldn’t be able to be here in River’s bunk, where he’s needed most. "You sure you wouldn't like a smoother?"
"No! No!" River shakes her head frantically from side to side, sending her hair flying. "No drugs! No drugs! She won't be able to escape! She'll be pulled into the darkness and I won't be able to find my way back up the rabbit hole." She grabs Simon’s sweater, pulling the sleeve out of shape. “You promised!”
"Okay!" Simon nearly shouts, grabbing his sister's arms so that she can't hurt herself. "Okay," he continues in a much softer tone. He tries to smile. "I won't give you any drugs if that's not what you want."
"It isn't!" River declares.
Simon gently hushes her. “River. Remember the baby.”
“Baby?” River’s eyes go wide.
Simon nods, smiling. “Yes. Zoë’s baby.”
“Named Rex for his father,” River smiles, “like River is named River for her grandfather.” She giggles.
“Yes.” Simon slowly lets go of one of River’s wrists to stroke her sweat-drenched hair. “I remember that day. Mother--” he pauses before forcing himself to carry on. “Mother was very excited about you.”
River’s smile broadens even as it trembles. Tears leak down her cheeks. “I want her.”
Simon swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand.
River whimpers.
Her brother leans down and kisses her forehead, pushing down his anger as best he can.
“Angry,” River sobs. “Spikes driving into the girl, coupled with ocean waves and yellow sunshine and mud -- she just wants to feel her own emotions again. She wants her own thoughts, her own mind.” She draws in a deep breath as she pounds at her forehead with her fists.
Simon lunges forward to stop her and gets several painful bruises for his trouble as River lashes out.
“She’s being crushed under all these minds that are not hers!”
River gasps as her brother drags her body up and shakes her gently by the shoulders. River’s eyes widen.
“River! Listen to me!” Simon’s voice is harsh and he has to work hard to keep the tone. “I’m going to have to give you a smoother if you don’t calm down. Do you want that?”
“You promised! No!” River tries to smack him away.
Simon tries to catch River’s eyes. “I promised that I’d only give you drugs if you were going to hurt yourself or someone else. That’s what we agreed,” Simon says through gritted teeth as he tries to keep a firm grip on his sister while reaching across to the night table where he’d placed his bag earlier. His fingers fumble on the bed as River bites down hard on his shoulder and wraps her arms tightly around his arms. Simon reaches forward again and, this time, manages to hook a couple of fingers through the handle and drag it forward. He unzips it, which proves to be a hard task with just one hand.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he tells his sister. “I’m just going to give you something to calm down.”
“Not a smoother?” River’s voice is filled with relief and trust.
Simon shakes his head, as he draws out the specific needle he’d prepared earlier from his bag. “No. You and I are going to work this out by talking -- just like you wanted.”
River laughs into his shoulder as Simon takes her suddenly limp arm and injects a lighter form of the smoother drug. One that wouldn’t knock her out immediately, but would relax her muscles, causing her to calm down considerably and make her slightly dozy.
As his sister sighs and slumps against him, Simon’s shoulders shake as relief fills him. She didn’t try to fight him. Simon knows that he’s fairly strong, but he would have no chance against her if River actually hit him with her full strength. He’s had to treat Jayne a couple of times after some of his sparring sessions with River, and Simon knows that River could easily kill him with her bare hands if she wanted.
“Bad thoughts.” River pokes his cheek. “She wouldn’t do that to her ge ge.”
Simon slowly helps River lie back down on her bed and straightens the sheets around her. “I know, mei mei. Believe me, I know.”
River takes his hand. “She knows. Her ge ge is so smart.”
“Something happened to you on Ariel, didn’t it?” Simon asks, not wasting much time.
River slowly blinks at him. “Hmmm?”
Simon squeezes his sister’s hand. “You told me that you’d been building up shields in your mind --”
“Doors,” River interrupts.
“Doors,” Simon automatically corrects himself, “which if I understand correctly served to block out all minds except your own.”
“Was flawed. Only made of sticks, not brick or steel -- strong emotions still forced their way through and hammered the girl’s mind down, but she could have her own thoughts.” River gives a lazy smile. “It’s very nice. To think for oneself.”
Simon looks away, feeling guilty as he always did for pushing his own mind on his sister even if he had no control over it.
River touches his hair. “It’s alright, Simon.”
Simon flashes her a weak smile. “The ‘doors’ - they’re gone now, aren’t they?” He tugs on his ear. “I haven’t seen you this bad since before Miranda.”
“Ge ge is very, very smart.” River’s eyelids droop closed.
Simon gently taps her cheek. As his sister’s eyes flutter open, he asks, “Yes or no, River. They’re gone now?”
River nods, turning on her side. “She’ll have to rebuild them. It will take time, but she will.”
He wants to ask what caused the sudden change, why River no longer has any working ‘doors’, but he needs to concentrate on what’s most important right now. The details will have to come later; right now he needs to work on pulling River’s fractured mind back together again. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Man named Jayne will provide aid needed. He’s very talented at building doors. Told him just once how to do it and by the next day -- poof,” River curls the fingers of her free hand into a ball before stretching them out. “Unless she’s invited in or he forgets to close them in, she can’t feel his thoughts or his emotions.”
“Is that why you like spending so much time with him recently?” Simon stares at River, trying not to think as she gives him the answer he’s been expecting and dreading for the last year, ever since Jayne’s attentions toward River took a drastic turn after Mr. Universe’s moon.
The look on River’s face when she speaks of Serenity’s mercenary reminds Simon of Kaylee when she looks at him. “Not the only reason.” She tugs on Simon’s arm. “Ge ge will have to learn to share.”
Simon looks away.
“It was hard for the girl, too. Learning to share her ge ge.”
Simon turns back toward his sister. “You do know that it’s probably due to the fact that you have limited options that you’ve chosen him?”
River scowls, before her face clears as understanding dawns. “She could use the same argument for ge ge’s relationship with her friend Kaylee, but she will not.”
“Thank you,” Simon mumbles, looking down at River’s hand. “It’s just…,” Simon shrugs helplessly, “you can do better. So much better.”
“I can’t.”
Simon starts at River’s toneless voice. He looks to his sister and has to fight not to cry at the knowing look she gives him. He’s always suspected after that initial medical examination, even as he’s used excuses such as River’s love of dancing to explain why her hymen would be broken. Back in the Core, a broken hymen would have been documented immediately in order that a girl’s virtue would not be brought into question when her marriage contract was being drawn up by her family and her future husband. “You were, weren’t you? There, at that gorram Academy. They r--” River’s hand covers Simon’s mouth, cutting off his words.
She gives Simon a secretive smile. “Isn’t true if he doesn’t say it out loud.”
“River,” Simon’s voice breaks into pieces on her name. He can’t continue. This is a monster he has even less of an idea of how to defeat than his sister’s madness.
River shakes her head as she tightens her grip on Simon’s arm, the drug cocktail wearing off at a rapid pace in the face of her distress.
“Simon - she is damaged goods. Can’t remember the lullabies to sing in babies’ ears. Can’t sing. Can only dance, and the dance has gone wrong. Her children will be strange. Inhuman. Will look human but hide cold steel and bullets underneath. Just like their mother.”
A weaker man would have cried. A weaker man would have raged at what he couldn’t change. A weaker man would have denied River’s words.
Simon Tam holds his sister’s hand.
“Is she human? Too many parts have become a weapon,” River continues, tapping her lip. “Various emotions that are not hers. Perhaps she is a satellite dish?
“The first artificial satellite was launched on October 4, 1957. It was equipped with two different radio frequencies - 20.005 and 40.002 MHz. It was the Soviet Sputnik 1. Helped to further spur the rivalry between Russia and the United States of America from the Earth That Was.
“Both filled with primitive people.
“Perhaps that’s what she’s doing. Sending out signals on two different levels. Would explain why she likes his mind so much. He’s broadcasting on the same frequency she is.
“Should she expect him to perform a mating ritual dance and display his feathers, when both he and the girl and the rest of the birds know that the female bird is already his? Shouldn’t change traditions, but he is. It is she who is going to have to pass the last test if she is to win her mate, not the other way around as it should be. Used to be. But he has already passed the test with flying colours --
“Frequency range of less than 300 to more than 1500 --
“Too soon to demand a ring.”
As his sister continues to ramble on various topics, switching from one to the next like a squirrel running along a maze of branches, Simon listens with growing dread.
Sometime after River’s chattered herself to sleep, Simon slips out of her room and finds himself in the darkened corridor. He could go to Kaylee and the warmth of her room. He could go to his own room that he hasn’t bothered to sleep in for over a year, since River had insisted that she didn’t need a babysitter. He could go to the mess, to the cargo bay, or to Zoë’s room with the excuse that he needs to check up on the baby. He could go anywhere, but in the end, he can’t leave River.
Simon tumbles to the floor, his strings cut. He presses his body against the wall of the corridor and forces his face hard against his kneecaps, breathing harshly.
River did not regain her sanity through the events of Mr. Universe’s moon. She’s just gotten better at disguising her insanity as sanity.
Thin, delicate hands with long fingers that had once never gone a day without practicing the scales on his father’s old keyboard, and which later gained Simon fame in the medical field for their steadiness, reach up to slide through Simon’s thick head of hair. He pushes his fingers halfway through the mess of his hair before he suddenly stops, his nails digging into his scalp.
Simon opens his mouth.
His silent screams echo against the metal walls, floors and ceilings in the darkness of Serenity’s night cycle.
~*~
“You didn’t come to bed last night,” Kaylee comments in the early hours of the next day in the mess, as she sets about making breakfast. She casts one more glance at Simon and tosses into the frying pan several more bacon strips that Mal had bought with his cut from the last job.
The skin around his eyes almost black, Simon looks up from following the trail of one of the whorls on the tabletop. His clothes are rumpled and he smells faintly. He can’t remember the last time he had a shower or a full meal.
“Kaylee? Can I ask you a question?”
“’Course, bao bei!” Kaylee chirps, pouring some water onto the protein dust and mixing it up to resemble something close to porridge.
“Do you think Jayne will marry her?”
Kaylee drops the spoon into the protein mush as she spins around to stare at Simon in shock. “Simon?”
Simon tugs his ear, before he realizes what he’s doing and hastily drops his hand. “River loves him,” he says simply, “or she’s deduced by some sort of logic I don’t understand that Jayne’s the one. Her one. Which just goes to show she is insane, as he’d probably sell his own mother if he thought it would be worth it.”
He looks at Kaylee. Kaylee’s biting the corners of her mouth hard and she looks like she wants to burst out with an “Awwww…!” Of course.
“Will he marry her? Eventually?”
“He might,” Kaylee says, her smile escaping its loose restraints.
Simon rubs his face. “I don’t suppose he’d be willing to give up his ladies of the evening when they’re married. OW!” Simon reaches up to touch his cheek. He stares accusingly at the wadded-up napkin lying on the floor before looking up at Kaylee.
Kaylee, who is staring at him with her hands on her hips.
Go se.
“I don’t know how things were done in the Core, Simon,” Kaylee all but snarls, “but here on the Rim, a man is welcome to keep up with his ‘ladies’ long as he’s willin’ to give ‘em up when he’s ready to start courtin’. An’ they had better be a long distant memory by the time he’s wed.” She cracks her knuckles. “If not, he’ll answer to me.” She smiles brightly. “So, you see, there’s nothin’ to worry about.” Kaylee spins around to rescue the bacon that had almost melted right into the pan. She scrapes at the boiling fat, and flips the meat onto a ready plate.
She scoops some protein mush next to it, and clicks her tongue in irritation when some of the mush lands on the floor. She hops over it to slap the plate down on the table in front of Simon before heading back to the stove to grab a dishcloth to wipe up the pale substance that only slightly resembles real food.
“It would be a strange thing if a man were to give up the company of a Companion after his marriage.”
“Huh?” Kaylee looks at her boyfriend.
“In the Core,” Simon clarifies, stirring his protein mush around with a fork, “a man was expected to continue keeping up his appointments with a Companion, especially if he was from a more well-to-do family like ours.” Simon shakes his head at the idea. “As long as his wife provided him with an heir, it was perfectly acceptable.”
Kaylee gnaws at her lip as she stares down at her callused hands. She knows full well that she’s as far from a Core girl as you can get. Still, she had never even imagined a situation where she would have to share Simon with someone else. Someone like Inara. Tears tickle the back of her eyelids. “Is that what yer pa did?”
Simon looks confused at being asked to think of his father. He slowly shakes his head. “No.” There is a faint smile on his lips. “Whatever else he was, he was faithful to my mother. He loved her as well as he was ever able to love anybody.”
He doesn’t notice how Kaylee’s shoulders slump in relief. “You think you’ll ever forgive ‘im fer not listenin’ to you?”
For a long moment, Simon stares at Kaylee. He opens his mouth several times, only to snap it shut before any rash words can escape. He looks down at his plate, pokes the bacon, looks up at Kaylee, puts his fork down, pulls his sleeves over his hands, rolls them up over his elbows, and tugs hard on his ear. Finally, he says, “There are some things I don’t know how to forgive.”
Kaylee puts down her own plate on the tabletop and takes a place across from Simon. “Really?”
“Yes,” Simon says bluntly. He waves his hand in the air as Kaylee digs into her food. “Intellectually, I know that there is always more than one side to a story, but emotionally, I think that my side is the right one and I just don’t understand how my fath -- anyone can’t see what I see. How he can fail to understand and accept how I feel.”
Kaylee chews on her food thoughtfully before swallowing. She points her fork at Simon. “There was a boy once. He was a real special boy. Had a whole bunch of talents no once else had. I’d never seen a boy like him a’fore. Least, not up close. All polite and spiffy -- like I used to read in stories. Thought he was real nice right off. The type of guy who’d do the right thing, no matter what.”
“This story doesn’t have a happy ending, does it?”
“I think it does.” Kaylee slaps Simon gently on the wrist. “Now, quiet while I finish, Simon Tam.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Kaylee giggles and shakes her head at him. “He was real nice, but he did something I didn’t know quite how to forgive him for, even after I learned why he did it. Took me awhile to see how nice he was after that. ‘Course, one of my big brothers closed his eyes, metaphorical like, and held a real big grudge against the boy an’ his sister, but that’s only ‘cause I almost died, an’ ‘cause he used to like me best outta everyone on board.”
Simon goes pale. “Kaylee….”
“Hush,” Kaylee orders. “This boy, for all the best reasons, used my life to bargain for his safety an’ that of his little sister…. I didn’t know what to think of him after that.”
“Kaylee…. I had to get River safe.”
The girl smiles sadly at him. “I was dying, and you used my life to make my loved ones do what you want. I hated you for that,” she admits, “just a little.”
“Kaylee,” Simon swallows. What to say to her for something he’s not really sorry for, because using her life was necessary at the time? And he’d known (or at least, thought he’d known) from just looking at the wound that she would be alright even without his help just as long as they got her to any doctor within a couple of hours. But neither she nor any one person of her Serenity family knew that, and he had used their fear of Kaylee’s mortality against them. He’d had to get River safe. He’d had to protect his sister. And, he hadn’t really cared at that point, when he was so close to success, about how he accomplished that goal.
He’d pushed the event to the back of his mind later on, as there was so much else he’d had to concentrate on, but the truth is that he had done it. Done to Kaylee the exact same thing Jayne Cobb had later done to himself and River. In both cases, everyone had emerged all right in the end, but Simon had been granted forgiveness relatively quickly and hence, forgotten about the incident, while he’d never forgotten what Jayne did, nor forgiven him. “Why did you forgive me for that?”
Kaylee smiles helplessly. “I just ain’t real good at keepin’ grudges. It makes me tired.” She hoists herself up and across the table to kiss Simon’s cheek. “Everybody’s got a reason to do what they do, and sometimes, it’s a real good one.” She squeezes Simon’s shoulder with her strong, little hand. “You should ask yer pa, if you git the chance.”
“Excuse me?” Simon stares at her in full-blown confusion.
“Your pa,” Kaylee repeats slowly. “Ask ‘im why he didn’t listen. Might make it a bit easier to forgive him.”
Simon swallows, his intent focused on an entirely different man. “Sure. I’ll ask him.”
~*~
After everyone else had finished breakfast at a much more reasonable hour, Jayne sits in the mess, staring at River with something akin to horror in his eyes.
"That is not how you clean a gun, idiot," he says before all but snatching Boudicca away from her and cradling it to his chest, as if River had thrown the firearm against the wall.
River crosses her arms and bites down on the lip that threatens to jut out in disappointment. Instead, she chooses to glower at Jayne in the hopes that he will eventually notice and become instantly ashamed at calling her, a certified genius, an idiot. Or at the very least, remember that she is a girl (and a genius) and shouldn't be spoken to that way.
As Jayne takes apart his gun at almost breakneck speed, Simon stares, mouth agape, behind him, no doubt having problems understanding how someone as mentally inferior as Jayne could possibly consider River an idiot. River sighs. Simon really needs to stop being so surprised that Jayne considers everyone an idiot, compared to himself.
Jayne carefully sets all of the different parts of Boudicca out on the kitchen table, before picking up the leather oiling cloth. "Right. The thing you gotta know about guns is that a clean gun is less likely to get you killed. A dirty gun will kill you. Each an' every time," he snaps when River goes to open her mouth. "You go into a situation with a gun that ain't one hundred percent, an' right when you need it to work most, it won't. Not the way you want it to." He picks up the trigger piece of Boo and carefully draws the oil cloth over it, twisting the piece so that River can better see some of the grit hiding on the piece. "It don't take much," Jayne continues, "just somethin' like that to affect the working. That's why you gotta take care of 'em everyday."
He looks directly at her. "You wanna try again, or just watch?"
River holds out her hand for the trigger piece. "Practice, as the saying suggests, will make perfect the exercise that is currently unfamiliar and strange to inexperienced hands."
"Right...," Jayne says, putting Mal's gun into her open hands. "You can practice on this."
River happily starts to pull the puzzle apart, making sure not to mix Mal's gun pieces with Boudicca’s. She does not think that Boudicca would be so forgiving if River were to accidentally switch parts. Behind Jayne, Simon finally closes his mouth, rubs his temples, and brews a pot of coffee for himself (the only thing he had ever mastered to make for himself). He leans against the counter and watches his sister and the mercenary at work, sipping his drink absently.
"Eighteen, an' you ain't never even been taught to clean yer weapons properly." Jayne shakes his head at the weirdness of it all.
"Nineteen soon," River says, bouncing in her seat.
"That's even worse."
River stops bouncing. She glares at Jayne. "Quantum physics was discovered by--" she begins the lecture viciously.
"'Course," Jayne cuts her off, "you could be worse." He nods his head in Simon's direction.
River nods in agreement. "He takes so much looking after."
It is a show of how tired Simon is that he actually thinks for a moment that he could get away with throwing hot coffee on Jayne and surviving. This happy image is immediately blown when his sister catches his eye and shakes her head sternly. Simon takes another sip of his coffee.
"What d'ya want?" Jayne asks, closing one eye and peering down Boo's barrel.
River frowns, confused. "Pardon?"
"Fer yer birthday. What d'ya want?"
As Simon swallows his coffee down the wrong way, River considers the question quite seriously, setting down the bare skeleton of Mal's gun on the table. Jayne, who by now was used to the fact that River couldn't multi-task and has to think everything over, eyes her for a moment before turning his full attention back on Boo, cleaning the gun with a loving care which he very rarely shows to people.
River idly reaches up to touch her thick braid which Jayne had helped her to make that morning, helping to move her hands in the right direction and stopping her before she over-thought it, like she always did. Today, they had talked about how it was impossible for her to unconsciously pick up a pen. She had to mentally review the various muscles and bones that would be required for such a task before thinking about the sequence of actions that would be required in order to achieve success. It was a process she constantly had to repeat. Always. Jayne had found that fascinating and made her outline the entire thought process.
She knows that she can't just ask Jayne for anything, as there's only so far money will stretch these days, and Jayne sends most of it on to his ma -- even more now that he gave up whoring immediately after their second misadventure with the Blue Hands on Ariel. Based on both her own and his actions, River has established her place in Jayne's life, and already he’s started making new habits that focus around her, including giving up his visits with his prostitutes -- even if, with no planet-fall since Ariel to provide the opportunity for whoring, it is only a firm decision and has yet to be tested. Which is why his gift to her is so important. It needs to be impressive enough that it will send a clear, bold and underlined statement regarding his intentions toward her.
Plus, if she were to ask for anything within a reasonable price range, Jayne would feel like a failure for not properly teaching her the valuable lesson of always taking advantage of another person's kindness in the pursuit of free materialistic possessions, and that if someone else offers to foot the bill at the restaurant, she is to order at least two appetizers, the most expensive main course on the menu, a large bottle of wine and lots of dessert. Jayne had sulked for days after getting a hold of the receipt for a lunch Inara had treated the women-folk to at a really fancy restaurant (Inara had a great nose for sniffing out money on even a Rim planet; Jayne once tried complimenting the woman for that) and finding out that River had only ordered a small Caesar salad. Never mind that River's stomach was far too small to fit all of the food Jayne said she should have ordered. According to him, she should have ordered it all and then asked that it be put into a doggy bag. When River pointed out that she didn't have a dog and that a dog would most likely get sick eating the fine food from the restaurant, Jayne had responded by telling her that the doggy bag would have been for him. River had then rather helpfully and in a very calm voice (calm voices were good when dealing with crazy people, according to Simon's notes) informed Jayne that he was not a dog. Which led to Jayne smacking himself in the forehead, before telling her to just carry on as usual.
Sometimes, River wishes Jayne wasn't so complicated.
~*~
As River busies herself with determining what would be a suitable gift for her nineteenth birthday, Simon studies her over his coffee.
There is no denying that his mei mei has come a long way from the physically and mentally abused creature he rescued from the Alliance laboratory masquerading as a school. When he’d first found her again after all that time spent squandering his inheritance on false leads, the last of his naivety was stripped away at the sight of the little girl strapped down to a chair so she wouldn’t be given the opportunity to hurt herself and thus, waste millions in government money. He hadn’t wanted to believe that she was his sister, at first.
Simon tugs on his ear as a fond smile crosses his face. He’s always been a bad liar, even when trying to deceive himself, and in the end he couldn’t deny that that sad, little creature was his sister.
In those early days on Serenity after Mal woke River up from her cryogenic sleep, it felt like River was dropping breadcrumb after breadcrumb for Simon to find, only for those breadcrumbs to be snatched away by hungry birds, as in the old fairy tale. Simon had always prided himself on his close relationship with his mei mei. She had been the one person who knew him better than anyone else, and he had known her better than anyone else. Quite simply, it had hurt when he realized that he didn’t understand his mei mei -- not her words, not her actions.
Communication had been the key, and Simon, never the best at articulating his thoughts and feelings, had failed to draw his sister back out of her insanity. He could compile a huge collection of data based on her physical injuries and his own observations (he’s locked it away in one of the infirmary cabinets, as if by hiding that information behind a lock and key he can also shut away his nightmares), but a solution wasn’t as simple to discover.
In the end, River had found the solution herself. She always was the smarter one. Revealing Miranda had lifted a weight from her mind, and accessing by her own choice the skills carved into her brain had unlocked the River Tam who’d been hiding underneath the web of trauma, ghosts, and disjointed thoughts.
In the bright light of the day-cycle, Simon can see what he couldn’t see last night. Despite the fact that she still can’t precisely talk in a way that would be understandable to a person of slightly more limited intelligence, River at this moment is as sane as anyone of the crew on Serenity (which is rather questionable at best). He looks at his sister again and at the man she’d made it clear she’d chosen.
She’d hinted last night that she could heal. She just needed the chance, and Simon was the one who needed to give that to her.
Simon carefully places his coffee mug on the counter and steps forward.
He’s going to have to learn very quickly how to share.
~*~
It hits River with all the force and subtlety of a charging rhino.
River is almost appalled by her own stupidity. She is going to have to make Simon give her some tests to make sure that she still qualifies as a genius, after all the brain surgery she unwillingly underwent.
"Man named Jayne," she asks sweetly, "who is the definition of masculinity despite having what is traditionally a name reserved for the female gender, and who possesses very harmonic brain waves?"
Jayne sets down Boo. "It's the ruttin' friendship bracelets, ain’t it?"
"Who also possesses very fine biceps, the likes of which are usually only seen in Simon's textbooks," River finishes smoothly. She pauses for a moment before saying, "Pink will do nicely."
Jayne makes a face. "I'm not wearin' pink."
“Real men wear pink.”
“Name one.”
River pouts, crossing her arms and saying, "She is also open to the colour blue."
Jayne raises an eyebrow, before shaking his head. "It'll be something better than that."
It is with great restraint that River does not poke her nose into Jayne's thoughts. He will not appreciate his surprise being ruined. Instead, she sagely offers, "In the art of gifting possessions unto another person, in celebration of a shared holiday or belief or the anniversary of their birth, it is the thought that counts."
The mercenary's eyes bug out as he stares at Serenity's pilot slack-jawed. After a moment he laughs, slaps his knee and rewards River with a, "Good one…! ‘Thought that counts.’" He laughs harder, clutching his ribs.
River scowls, which unfortunately has the effect of making the bruise on her face from where she fell on the warehouse floor ache. She reaches up to explore the area with just the slightest brush of her fingertip.
Simon had thankfully bought Jayne's story that someone from the mob on Ariel had accidentally elbowed her in the face during the chaos, and there had been very few questions, apart from Simon wanting to know 1) if she’d like to take some medication for the pain, 2) whether she was sure she didn't want the pain medication, followed by 3) did she remember to put her daily cold compress on the burst blood vessels?
While he constantly watched her to ensure that she wasn't going to have a relapse, Simon had gotten slightly better at being less quick to offer up one of his various drug cocktails when she had one of her rare bad days. And her bad days were very bad. But at least she had gotten the point across to Simon that, despite his good intentions, the various medications that he kept injecting into her body sometimes had a worse effect than the illness itself. Simon had kept his promise (despite being absolutely horrified when River had spat in her hand and offered it to him to shake -- he had yelled at Jayne really loudly for teaching his mei mei that Rim custom), although he did usually sit beside her during her bad days and smooth back her hair and talk to her about various topics, offering a welcome distraction. And when she tried to answer and merely jumbled her words, Simon would do his best to unravel the yarn ball of words and carry onward.
It’s hard for River to remember what happens during one of her spells, but Simon always makes sure that she doesn’t do anything bad.
Simon comes to her now, and hands her a cool compress he's just made after seeing her wince. River accepts it gratefully and presses it to her cheek, half-heartedly wishing that Simon would stop his mother-hen act where she is concerned. He worries himself when there is no need to worry and refuses to be convinced that she is better.
To Simon, River will never be one hundred percent well until she once again resembles the child she was at fourteen. River tries to be patient -- she really does -- but sometimes it feels like all she ever does these days is step on eggshells around her brother. She's scared that the stress of their new life is really getting to him and that, if Simon doesn't do something about it soon, he'll work himself into either a coma or a heart attack.
"Hey, Doc," Jayne kicks out a chair, "stop standin' around like a whore waitin' fer her next meal, an' take a seat."
Simon glares in distaste but takes the offered chair nonetheless.
River beams at him, which for some reason causes Simon's oily sludge feeling to increase, only to decrease rapidly as if Simon has poured all of the oil into an airtight jar and hammered down the lid.
Simon studies Jayne for a moment before gingerly picking up one of the pieces Jayne had yet to clean. Jayne watches Simon out of the corner of his eye but makes no comment. After another moment, Simon picks up the spare oiling cloth River had been using, swiftly cleaning the piece with a precision that was born out of his own care for the tools of his trade.
Jayne stiffens for a moment and his gaze flickers over to River. He forcibly relaxes his body that had been poised to leap across the table and slam his bowie knife through Simon’s neck. The girl would never forgive him if he ended her stupid brother’s life for daring to touch Boo. He shifts his grip on the metal in his hand and forces himself to study the piece intently as he draws the oil cloth along its edges.
River sets her hands down in her lap and watches the two men set about their business. It would appear that her ge ge was attempting to bond with her Jayne and that Jayne was letting him. She tucks her knees under her chin and hugs her legs, content to watch the two men she loves best in the 'Verse as they work. She smiles as she notes the delicate way they both treat the weapon Boudicca. Underneath all the differences there is just a hint of similarity in the pride they both take in doing their jobs well. Perhaps if Jayne's betrayal on Ariel hadn't happened all those years ago, they could have had the chance to be friends.
The thought drains some of the joy of this moment away from River, and she has to bite her lip to force herself not to cry. As it is, she closes her eyes and shifts the cold compress so neither Simon nor Jayne can see the water in her eyes.
"Why do you think they did that?" Simon suddenly blurts out into the slightly strained silence of the mess.
"Did what?" Jayne asks absent-mindedly.
"According to what you've just said, not being able to take care of her own weapons puts River at a huge disadvantage. And from what we've seen so far of River's abilities, it would have been simple to -- program," he spits the word out, "that information into her brain. Not only that, but they took away other simple habits you or I would never even think twice about." It's a sign of how serious Simon is that he doesn't bother to take advantage of a chance to insult Jayne here. Simon glares at the part in his hand and scrubs harder. "So why? Why would they do that to their asset?" He sets down the piece a little harder than he needs to.
Jayne eyes River. She squeezes her eyelids tight.
"Best guess is they didn't want her thinkin' fer herself." Jayne begins rapidly assembling Boudicca.
Both Simon and River stare in disbelief at the speed with which Jayne’s putting the gun together. Simon even looks down at his timepiece at one point.
“Everyone knows that the best soldiers are the ones who don’t think or feel nothing fer themselves. Least, that’s the only kind anyone’s ever interested in purchasin’. Guess ‘cause they’re so stupid they wouldn’t even think of goin’ on their own personal vendetta if someone killed one of theirs.” He pauses, seeming to realize what he’s just said, and knowing that he’s just revealed more about himself than he’s ever wanted to.
“I don’t like green,” River blurts out.
As Simon stares at her in confusion, Jayne grins at her in relief, his eyes slightly soft. Staring at her like she didn’t just have a huge bounty on her head, but as if she were the bounty and the hunt all rolled into one.
That look made River’s stomach want to attempt spontaneous combustion. She would have to talk to Jayne about that.
Jayne lays down Boo to take up River’s hands. Both of her hands easily fit within the cocoon of Jayne’s one larger hand. “You sure you don’t want something more…?”
“She wants it to be pink,” River blurts out before she can stop herself.
That look of Jayne’s intensifies, as do the gymnastic exercises of River’s stomach. He grins at her and she really does feel like his girl.
“Alright then. If that’s what you want.” Jayne drops her hands and picking up Boo again. He pauses when he sees Simon. “You okay, Doc?”
Hardly are the words out of Jayne’s mouth when River becomes aware of a strange, swirly feeling. The type she used to get right after Simon had given her the latest drug cocktail and just before her body insisted on throwing up despite her mind’s well-thought-out arguments. She looks to her brother, just in time to see his eyes roll up to the back of his head as he tumbles to the floor in a dead faint.
River and Jayne stare at Simon’s unconscious body in silence.
River finally heaves a heavy sigh. “He takes so much looking after.”