(no subject)
I've been reaaallly down these past few days. It's a shock coming from the real world back to Waco.
I also skipped my meds yesterday and the day before. I hate saying that - like I can't be a normal human without them? Meh.
I was real upset the night before last and I missed home. I called Dave, Scott and Mike, only Mike was around. Despite the fact that he was busy, and he's a boy, and if I was in my right mind I wouldn't call boys when I'm hysterically crying, he talked to me until I felt better. So maybe it wasn't a bad idea.
I was talking to Sam the other night about homes, and he said he didn't have one, and I told him he and the other guys felt like home to me.... no matter where we were. That IS easy for me to say cause my house wasn't destroyed, but Bruce kicked me out of that house so much in high school I never really felt like it was my home.
Which brings me to a friend of mine saying yesterday that I shouldn't be upset about not getting a solo in this song written about the hurricane. When I first didn't get it - I was like, okay, well she's younger and its a great opportunity and I sing all over this school. But when the 1st concert came around and he made a speech about New Orleans and the hurricane, it made me upset. Maybe it is childish, but for god's sake its my city that I go home to with everything destroyed, so many houses gone, the camp is gone, my friends and family who are either broken and struggling or strong and determined to make it better, my family member that died in her house in the 9th ward, my friend who's dad killed himself, and what the hell do these people know about that? What the hell do these people, these Baylor pricks, who wouldn't even hold my tuition bill off a month while my mom had no job because she works in real estate, know about it? I just hate this place and all its hypocrisy - the "largest Baptist university in the world"! How the hell did I end up here? I've got to get my schoolwork done so I can get the hell out. FAST.
After our 2nd concert the Dean walks by me talking to a friend of mine - gives my friend a big old hug, and totally ignores me talking to him. Then comes back as I'm walking away and tells me he wasn't ignoring me. Yeah? Right exactly sure you weren't. Not ignoring me just like you didn't ignore me last semester when I asked you for help. The next day though, I sure am there to help out the search committee who wants me to sing yet again, because they "can't find anyone else" - so fucking flattering. I didn't feel like singing, I felt like crying, I felt like staying in bed, but I didn't I got up, dressed nice and went. Why? I have no idea. I'm a fucking sucker. Okay - maybe because VC is on the committee and he asked me to, and if there is anyone at Baylor I owe something to, its VC. Also Dr. Buddo is in charge of it, and he's always been kind to me. He's leaving Baylor soon. You see, its not just me, everyone who has any sense gets the hell out of here. I know tons of teachers that won't even live in Waco, they live out of town and come in when they have to teach. Seem funny to anyone else? This place is hell.
Last night when I got mad at Glenn, which I'm still mad at him, I don't think I'm gonna let this go without an apology.... my ex took me outside to talk to me. It was very sweet of him, especially since otherwise I'm supposed to pretend he doesn't exist. Our subject matter makes me uncomfortable, but he made me feel comfortable and that was nice and I really needed it. So I'm gonna go grab some food now, take my meds (for the love of god) and take a shower, then go practice and work out, so I can feel like I did something today.