Empty
I just want to know: what is there to talk about? I don’t like being blunt, and that box was about as blunt as I can get. To be honest, I still don’t know exactly what I feel about this issue, what I want to do about it. I don’t know what I feel about you at the moment other than the fact that you’re my best friend and that I’m officially creeped out. All I know is what I said, “I don’t love you, I don’t want you, I don’t trust you;” I know that’s true.
What do we need to talk about? If you insist, perhaps the pain you’ve caused, since you don’t seem to realize what effect this whole affair has had on me. I could sit here and type up a list of what has happened in my life of friendships, but that would be a waste of time and confidence. All you need to know is that I don’t have any luck with them. You’ve just been added to the list, as I know I’m not going to be able to spend time with you without that creeping feeling coming over me. And what is this “life changes” crap on your SN? You know how weak I am to guilt trips-but this is one I can’t let myself fall into. Life changes, yes, but it’s going to be yours out of mine if that’s the kind of message you want to send.
Stop for a second and realize what mental distractions something like this brings to a person. Can you even begin to realize that feeling? I’ve become rather adept at blocking things from my mind in order to keep going, but can force them when I know I have to deal with them. It’s not just you and I that are affected, either. I called my emo boy last night and woke him from a nightmare. I was tired, and he had been asleep, but there was no way I was letting him sit there and brood over it himself. It’s these types of things that worry me, that keep me up longer than need be. I may have control over him to some extent, but he is his own person, and happens to be a protective one.
I could have let this explode before last weekend, but I wanted the memory to be a good one. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to continue as if nothing has happened, as if I’m none the wiser? I’m over-worked, under-slept, and generally uberly-stressed. I didn’t want to see those boxes, I didn’t want to read though all those obsessive thoughts. But I did. And now I have to deal with them.
You know I’ve said before that I’ve tried to end it all once. Do you know how close the added stress put me to that again? Do you have any idea?
I know all this is one-sided. Right now I think it’s the only side that matters.
What do we need to talk about? If you insist, perhaps the pain you’ve caused, since you don’t seem to realize what effect this whole affair has had on me. I could sit here and type up a list of what has happened in my life of friendships, but that would be a waste of time and confidence. All you need to know is that I don’t have any luck with them. You’ve just been added to the list, as I know I’m not going to be able to spend time with you without that creeping feeling coming over me. And what is this “life changes” crap on your SN? You know how weak I am to guilt trips-but this is one I can’t let myself fall into. Life changes, yes, but it’s going to be yours out of mine if that’s the kind of message you want to send.
Stop for a second and realize what mental distractions something like this brings to a person. Can you even begin to realize that feeling? I’ve become rather adept at blocking things from my mind in order to keep going, but can force them when I know I have to deal with them. It’s not just you and I that are affected, either. I called my emo boy last night and woke him from a nightmare. I was tired, and he had been asleep, but there was no way I was letting him sit there and brood over it himself. It’s these types of things that worry me, that keep me up longer than need be. I may have control over him to some extent, but he is his own person, and happens to be a protective one.
I could have let this explode before last weekend, but I wanted the memory to be a good one. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to continue as if nothing has happened, as if I’m none the wiser? I’m over-worked, under-slept, and generally uberly-stressed. I didn’t want to see those boxes, I didn’t want to read though all those obsessive thoughts. But I did. And now I have to deal with them.
You know I’ve said before that I’ve tried to end it all once. Do you know how close the added stress put me to that again? Do you have any idea?
I know all this is one-sided. Right now I think it’s the only side that matters.