No Social Life for You
I haven't said anything here in a long time, I realize. I just don't have the time--that, and I've basically moved over to DeviantArt. Sorry, y'all.
It seems more and more recently that my life is completely controlled by my parents--ever single fucking aspect of it. I can't do something one day because I did something else SIMILAR the previous--or as long as a week ago. I had Track practice today. We ran over four miles in the rain. We ran for two and a half hours. IN THE RAIN. Jenny and I want to go see Epic Movie, but can't directly after practice because Jenny's sister just went to the mall and we have to wait for her to be done until we can go, because it would be blasphemy to go at the same time. I just don't understand parents' reasoning at all. So we decide to go later, after her stupid sister has finally called and said she's ready to be picked up, which was supposed to be approximately 6.30.
Six-thirty has passed, and I haven't been picked up. Mom comes in and spazzes at me because I can't be out late tonight. "You've got SATs tomorrow, and you need 20 billion hours of sleep, and a good breakfast!" and whatnot. I tell her that I want just one day that I can do something on my own. "You went to the mall last weekend, you don't need to go this weekend!" First of all, I wasn't allowed to go to the mall last weekend, because she was took fucking lazy to get off her ass and take me. Second, I spend the weekend on her stupid trip up to Point Reyes looking for the fucking whales that are out so far right now the EXPERTS can't spot them. Then of course there was the "You don't need to see two movies, there's no point." Well. Lesee. Two different movies. Two different plots. I can't see any difference at all.
Then, of course, there's the 'after fight' in which she comes back here and makes me feel guilty over what I say because she's so much worse off than I, and other people have so many more restrictions than I, and that I always get what I want when I want. I only get what I want when it fits into her schedule. It's fucking annoying having a perfectionist psycho for a mother. There are things planned for next Christmas already. There have been things planned for summer vacation since LAST SUMMER. Oh, and don't forget the "I never get to do what I want" card she played on me. I was so tempted to remind her that she doesn't have any friends to do anything with. Being the perfect little brainwashed child I am, I said nothing. I think I finally see why I've never been any good at public speech or debate.
I've always been yelled at to get good grades. I've always been yelled at to be more attractive. I've always been yelled at to get friends and have a social life. I've always been yelled at to be perfect. I've always been yelled at to be conformist. I've gotten nothing lower than a B in my life. I've gotten contacts and started wearing my hair up and minimal make up. I've gotten friends, and I try to do things with them. I've been perfect, but that's never quite enough. There's always something more that I should have done, that I should have pulled from their minds in order to appease them. I've been everything they told me to be, but it's still not enough. It's never enough, and it never will be. I just want them to see how lucky they are to have what they do. I want them to realize they could have someone who wouldn't listen to them at all.
I could have been a complete problem child. All it would have taken was a cut off of all human needs. I do anything they don't like and something with material worth is taken. The problem is, I cared about those goods enough to be mindful, because that's how they've trained me to be. When they found out that I did write off material goods (for that very reason), they started threatening my social life, which they had forced me to have in the first place. It's a paradox, and the only way out is to physically get out--which I plan to do first chance I get. College must be in the hundreds of miles away, and it will be. Either LA area or out of CA, but still on the West Coast. I will be moving to Alaska once out of college, though. That much I haven't been dissuaded about.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
It makes me feel better.
It seems more and more recently that my life is completely controlled by my parents--ever single fucking aspect of it. I can't do something one day because I did something else SIMILAR the previous--or as long as a week ago. I had Track practice today. We ran over four miles in the rain. We ran for two and a half hours. IN THE RAIN. Jenny and I want to go see Epic Movie, but can't directly after practice because Jenny's sister just went to the mall and we have to wait for her to be done until we can go, because it would be blasphemy to go at the same time. I just don't understand parents' reasoning at all. So we decide to go later, after her stupid sister has finally called and said she's ready to be picked up, which was supposed to be approximately 6.30.
Six-thirty has passed, and I haven't been picked up. Mom comes in and spazzes at me because I can't be out late tonight. "You've got SATs tomorrow, and you need 20 billion hours of sleep, and a good breakfast!" and whatnot. I tell her that I want just one day that I can do something on my own. "You went to the mall last weekend, you don't need to go this weekend!" First of all, I wasn't allowed to go to the mall last weekend, because she was took fucking lazy to get off her ass and take me. Second, I spend the weekend on her stupid trip up to Point Reyes looking for the fucking whales that are out so far right now the EXPERTS can't spot them. Then of course there was the "You don't need to see two movies, there's no point." Well. Lesee. Two different movies. Two different plots. I can't see any difference at all.
Then, of course, there's the 'after fight' in which she comes back here and makes me feel guilty over what I say because she's so much worse off than I, and other people have so many more restrictions than I, and that I always get what I want when I want. I only get what I want when it fits into her schedule. It's fucking annoying having a perfectionist psycho for a mother. There are things planned for next Christmas already. There have been things planned for summer vacation since LAST SUMMER. Oh, and don't forget the "I never get to do what I want" card she played on me. I was so tempted to remind her that she doesn't have any friends to do anything with. Being the perfect little brainwashed child I am, I said nothing. I think I finally see why I've never been any good at public speech or debate.
I've always been yelled at to get good grades. I've always been yelled at to be more attractive. I've always been yelled at to get friends and have a social life. I've always been yelled at to be perfect. I've always been yelled at to be conformist. I've gotten nothing lower than a B in my life. I've gotten contacts and started wearing my hair up and minimal make up. I've gotten friends, and I try to do things with them. I've been perfect, but that's never quite enough. There's always something more that I should have done, that I should have pulled from their minds in order to appease them. I've been everything they told me to be, but it's still not enough. It's never enough, and it never will be. I just want them to see how lucky they are to have what they do. I want them to realize they could have someone who wouldn't listen to them at all.
I could have been a complete problem child. All it would have taken was a cut off of all human needs. I do anything they don't like and something with material worth is taken. The problem is, I cared about those goods enough to be mindful, because that's how they've trained me to be. When they found out that I did write off material goods (for that very reason), they started threatening my social life, which they had forced me to have in the first place. It's a paradox, and the only way out is to physically get out--which I plan to do first chance I get. College must be in the hundreds of miles away, and it will be. Either LA area or out of CA, but still on the West Coast. I will be moving to Alaska once out of college, though. That much I haven't been dissuaded about.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him, compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect
It makes me feel better.