7/5 At Sea
See Below
I DON’T LIKE YOU. YOU I DON’T LIKE. YOU ARE STUPID. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID LITTLE WORLD.
I’ve always disliked the human race as a whole. Some days are better than others, but more often some are worse. They are a self-righteous, self-centered, self-indulging, SELFISH group in which the individual wants always come first, if the thoughts for others come at all (no one NEEDS anything, they just WANT. One NEEDS water because they WANT to survive). “They eat and destroy until nothing is left but piss.” I have many arguments against them, but perhaps I should rewind to where this started. *sighs*
Today was to be my day to do anything I wanted. I was awake at eight and mom was in the shower. Dad came back in the room. I don’t change in front of them and I desperately needed the bathroom. She doesn’t get out until 9:30 and complains that she wanted us to go to the amber show because they were giving away jewelry at 9:45. I could have gone if I had a half an hour, but no. They leave and I get up to the breakfast room at 10:05. I came back to the room after and got my book and headed to the Solarium, with hopes of getting in the pool. It was drained. I read all day. My parents showed up and harassed me anyway. I don’t know why they won’t leave me alone. I bought a fresh-made apple juice. I headed back to the room at five to get dressed for formal night.
We went to dinner. Our table mates didn’t show up again. They haven’t since night one.
My parents caught our headwaitress and demanded a table change. They complained about having no one to talk to, about being in the back of the restaurant, everything. They are selfish. They wouldn’t let me stay back there alone, either. Mom asked Cris about moving once before in conversation and it broke my heart to see how much his face fell and his demeanor changed. It wasn’t because of him, but it was personal nonetheless. Sometimes I really just want to kill them. Tomorrow, I WILL walk down to our original table and sit, regardless of what they say. I know I’ll get yelled at and cause a scene, but they need to listen to me.
And I got yelled at for getting the apple juice.
..... And I’ve been thinking about things and about being selfish myself. I think I’ve reached a conclusion of what to do about the “situation” that plagues me. There are so many if-onlys that would make this easier it’s ridiculous. If only I didn’t know him, if only I didn’t know her, if only neither of them said anything, if only I hadn’t questioned myself, if only I trusted myself when I knew something to be true, if only I’d kept my barriers up, if only I hadn’t met her, if only I hadn’t met him, if only my parents weren’t mine, if only I lived closer, if only my views were different, if only his views were different, if only her views were different, if only I hadn’t responded that night, if only I didn’t go that night, if only I wasn’t so gullible and naïve, if only I didn’t feel like I do. The list goes on forever. And I feel like I’m losing grip on it all.
I knew the night it came up that it wouldn’t go away so easily. I knew when we all acted like nothing happened on the Monday after that it went deeper than I cared to acknowledge. I knew when we sat and created gay babies (awkward silences) in my kitchen instead of discussing it that there was much more to be said. I knew before I left on this vacation that my absence would present... opportunities. I knew when I said it was okay that it would kill me. I know all this like I know issuing the ultimatum I have to will have a result. I know it won’t be the one I want-but the one I expect. At this point, even with this knowledge, it will break me. It will break him. It will hurt. All those words-made meaningless. I’m destined for the hard path no matter what I do. My happiness is not existent.
It’s not something I want to do. It’s something I must do. It will only keep tearing me apart if I leave it alone and hope the problem fixes itself as I usually do-as I did with my last boyfriend. I knew what had happened in that relationship but we both left it hanging for months before accepting that there was nothing more that could be done. I’m not going to let that happen here. I can’t take this pain much longer and though I can’t bear the thought of hurting him, I MUST do it.
[Insert brief intermission while I go to Fuel for time online to see if anyone’s on, which as usual they aren’t, to check PMs, and to write an (emo) LJ entry.]
I don’t make friends easily, I don’t trust easily, and I really yearn for it all. I want someone to cling to who would be completely my own. The closest thing I’ve had to that was Zena (my cat), and my parents just have to say no to getting anymore animals and completely crush that security source. I cried more when I knew we had to put him down then when my grandpa (whom I was VERY close to) died. Thinking of that last morning I had with Zena still brings tears to my eyes easily, even now, three years later. I am a needy individual. I am a selfish human being.
I really am scared for my mental health at this point. Too much idle time for thought, no matter how much one tries to distract oneself, is ultimately horrible for the sanity and rational thought. >.< I actually had a passing thought to find a razor blade today. I’d like to say I’ve no idea where it came from, but I know. There’s just far too much conflict and confrontation in my life right now, and I don’t know how to deal. I want to be home where things are easier to think through, where I can at least delude myself a bit longer, fool myself back into the illusions of calm and peace and things working themselves out.
Only six more days. If I make it back in one piece.
Is this homesickness? Is it an opening of my heart to itself? Is it a sudden, glorious revelation of the truth? I certainly don’t know. All I want to do-all I know how to do-is run away as usual.