(no subject)
I'm sure most of you know this story already so i won't give a background.I finally felt what it is like to be in a relationship. The other day after not hearing from Adam for 4 days, he finally called me. After numerous hours discussing the various possibilities ( "maybe he met someone else" or "i know he's busy" or "maybe he just doesn't want me anymore" or the infamous "maybe he's just not that into me") with ALL, and yes i mean ALL my friends, i've learned that, no offense to anyone here, you just have to listen to what your heart feverishly telling you through the morris code of its beating. I won't bore you with the details of the conversation, but i will say i was being very short with him. In the middle of telling me a story about his job (he works 2 of them for those who do not know) he stops and says "wait when did i talk to you last? friday right?" We haven't spoken in four days. "No are you serious? the last few days have kinda been running into each other" So how was your weekend? "I worked. Everyday since wednesday. And last night i worked until 6am and i had to go in today at 2, and i just got off a bit ago...(it was 11pm)" He then went on to explain how that he really needs the money. That he can't just work paycheck to paycheck, he has to save money because of all the expenses that he has and will have this coming semester. "i really hope that you understand that" Wow, i don't think i really did until this moment. It hit me, this guy is completely supporting himself, and has been for years, at 21. He works two jobs and goes to school and does well in school. I don't think you really fully recognize the situation of other people until one day it just hits you. "I wish my situation was different but it isn't and i have to live like this" "i hope you know me well enough by now to know that it isn't because there is something wrong" As i sat there, afraid to speak, afraid to communicate because of the fear of pushing someone away, i let him know how i felt. i told him i understand his situation, but i really just need a little bit of reassurance from time to time. a phone call letting me know if its a hectic week so i know the few and far between calls aren't because of anything being wrong. something small like a text message or a quick call is all i need. "alright, okay" followed by "hey its your birthday tomorrow" no its wednesday. "no i wrote it down on my calender that night you told me so i wouldn't forget. its the 5th" no its the 7th "i feel like a jackass...[stutters] im such a jackass....[stutters]...i'll um call me tomorrow" wait what were you going to say "nothing just...i wanted to hang out with you tomorrow because it was your birthday but its not so i'll talk to abuot it tomorrow" hmmm maybe something planned...? we'll see tomorrow (today its 12am...im 21 yay)
heres the philosophical part. For the first time i felt like i was in a relationship. Aside from the fact that this has lasted longer than any of my other relationships...(2months isn't that great?! i was being sarcastic of course), i actually did soemthing i've never done before, communicate. In past situations i had always felt that if it was not something that was a huge deal that i should keep it in, i did not want to cause unecessary stress on things and God forbide the other person got upset about it. He is always telling me to communicate to tell him if something is wrong, and i finally did. it felt like a release, maybe i'm not doomed to have bad relationships or none at all. in all honestly i don't know how to act in a relationship. for the longest time i thought that you feel all these feelings right away and it becomes this intense entity of its own that binds the two together. how curious that all those relationships have ended rather quickly. we build these stone and brick houses up. all the stories all the rooms, yet we build them on sand. i'm beginning to see that the base is what we need to build first (i know a rather simple concept yet one hard to practice for a beginner). the foundation is what holds people up through the bad times. Although we have both admitted to feelings things we should not be feeling after such a short time, the fact that it has lasted so far says something for me, i think.
i've been thinking the past few days, is this guy worth me having this type of relationship with him? can i handle his situation, should i? so far i've found that yes, he is worth it and i can handle it because i want to handle it. only time will tell. if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. but if things work, i will know i built this relationship from the ground up. to me, there is something beautiful about being with someone through the hard times, through the time in our lives where we think seriously about our futures. the sistine chapel was painted with ease for the michelangelo becaus it his craft, but it was not achieved without the hard labor that goes into painting a ceiling.
heres the philosophical part. For the first time i felt like i was in a relationship. Aside from the fact that this has lasted longer than any of my other relationships...(2months isn't that great?! i was being sarcastic of course), i actually did soemthing i've never done before, communicate. In past situations i had always felt that if it was not something that was a huge deal that i should keep it in, i did not want to cause unecessary stress on things and God forbide the other person got upset about it. He is always telling me to communicate to tell him if something is wrong, and i finally did. it felt like a release, maybe i'm not doomed to have bad relationships or none at all. in all honestly i don't know how to act in a relationship. for the longest time i thought that you feel all these feelings right away and it becomes this intense entity of its own that binds the two together. how curious that all those relationships have ended rather quickly. we build these stone and brick houses up. all the stories all the rooms, yet we build them on sand. i'm beginning to see that the base is what we need to build first (i know a rather simple concept yet one hard to practice for a beginner). the foundation is what holds people up through the bad times. Although we have both admitted to feelings things we should not be feeling after such a short time, the fact that it has lasted so far says something for me, i think.
i've been thinking the past few days, is this guy worth me having this type of relationship with him? can i handle his situation, should i? so far i've found that yes, he is worth it and i can handle it because i want to handle it. only time will tell. if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. but if things work, i will know i built this relationship from the ground up. to me, there is something beautiful about being with someone through the hard times, through the time in our lives where we think seriously about our futures. the sistine chapel was painted with ease for the michelangelo becaus it his craft, but it was not achieved without the hard labor that goes into painting a ceiling.