(no subject)

[greaver]

There's so much anger in me. I'm really tired of feeling. I wish I could be one of those apathetic guys who just walked around not letting anything bother them. I wish I had iron skin. That I were a machine, not a person. Because maybe then I'd be a bit more cut out for this planet. Maybe then I would stop expressing myself. Because the movies I watched when I was a child, they're wrong. Nobody wants expression. They don't want to know how you feel, or to help you with it. They just want something from you. And as soon as you stop being a convenient source of what they want, you lose your importance. Someone else will give them what they want, without asking for anything in return. Interpersonal relationships are like a construction job, if you don't work hard, for almost nothing, you'll just be replaced with someone who will. And it's ridiculous.

I'm ridiculous.

And I don't even know why I'm still here. I don't want to be. I don't do anything. Even my most remote of needs is dismissed by everyone but myself. What's the point? I just give money to the doorman. To the bartender for my drinks. Nothing happens. I just drink and watch everyone else have a good time. I watch people laughing with their friends, dancing with their girlfriends. And I watch some more. A little part of me has never stopped dying, not since I was in the fourth grade. It's been getting stabbed every day, but it won't quit. Every time I open my eyes, nothing but images that stab and claw at my psyche. But it won't die. And damnit I just wish it would.

What makes me so different that I'm worthless?