Fic: Justify My Love
Title: Justify My Love
Fandom: Animorphs
Pairings: Marco/Jake, Jake/Cassie, Marco/Ax
Rating: PG
Summary: Jake reflects on the decisons he's made involving his relationship with Cassie, and especially with Marco.
Warnings: Slash content, as well as some serious angst.
Part of a series that's taken me four years to write three stories in. No promises on the finale. Eventually is all I can say.
Part 1: "Boys Will Be Boys"
Part 2: "Good Morning Heartache"
I never meant for things to get this bad. I don’t know if that means anything now, but I started out with the best intentions. Selfish ones, admittedly, but… I never wanted to hurt anyone.
I guess it’s a little late for that now.
I would like to preface things by saying that I’m not gay. Given what happened, I know that’s rather hard to believe. Rest assured, I know what I’m saying. I’m not repressing, in denial, or trying to lie to myself about anything. I like women. Cassie especially. I would even consider myself bisexual, not really. I don’t like guys.
But I love Marco.
I’m in love with Cassie, but it’s not the same thing. Marco’s been my best friend forever. We’ve been through so much over the years, and were as close as two people could be before the war. That just brought us closer. I think, and I know this sounds silly, but I think in a lot of ways, Marco’s my soulmate. He’s always been there, and he’ll always be there. Through everything.
Kind of a conflicting set of emotions, I know.
I tried a few times to talk to Marco about how I felt. It never seemed to go the way I wanted it to. Marco’s not exactly the easiest guy to open up to. He’s pretty closed off emotionally. He does the whole “I mask my pain with humor” thing really well. I know he felt the same way, but… It’s just not the sort of thing you talk about. Especially not two guys.
When he and Ax got together I thought everything would be okay. I had Cassie, and I was happy. He had Ax and was happy. But things didn’t get better. In fact, they seemed to get much worse. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
I got really… jealous isn’t exactly the right word. Marco and I have a bond that neither Cassie nor Ax could ever compete with. But it was all tension; we never acted on anything.
I didn’t have a choice. I had to… No, that’s not right. I had a choice, but it didn’t seem like one I could handle. It was too much pain to have all these unresolved feelings.
I thought it was the best way to do it. I thought it was best if Marco didn’t know.
I almost didn’t go through with it. As a matter of fact, I nearly stopped myself nine times that night. I spent the entire next day thinking about everyone of them, and how I could’ve acted differently. That night wasn’t my first attempt to resolve my feelings for Marco. I’d tried before, but ended up stopping when I got to his house or leaving his room before he came home. I knew if I didn’t go through with it that night, I’d just keep torturing myself. I’d keep waiting outside his window. I was going to do it eventually, I had to eventually, so why not that night?
So I waited in Marco’s room. I morphed Ax and then I demorphed back to myself when things got heated. I bared myself completely before Marco.
I could feel the heat from his eyes burning into my naked flesh. “You’re Jake.”
I nodded in grim acknowledgment. “Yes I am.”
I didn’t really enjoy the act itself. It was… okay. I mean, it got the job done. And Marco was… enthusiastic. I was actually thinking of Cassie the entire time.
But for a brief moment afterwards, I was glad I did it. I accomplished what I had set out to do. My feelings for Marco were resolved, and whatever came next, I could deal with the consequences knowing that I had at least done that one thing right.
I could feel Marco drifting to sleep in my arms. “I love you, Marco.”
“I love you too, Ax.”
I felt really bad about leaving Marco alone, but I didn’t really have much of an option in that regard. I felt even worse the next day pretending nothing had happened.
It was a really tense day, waiting for the hammer to fall. I knew it was going to come out eventually, so I just waited. I waited for Marco to yell at me, to attack me, to be furious with me. And rightfully so.
I waited for Ax, or maybe even Rachel, to try and kill me. I waited to be pecked to death by Tobias. I didn’t know how I thought Cassie was going to react. She was the one I was the most worried about.
I sat in my living room for hours, just waiting.
Finally around six o’clock it happened.
There was a knock on the door, and I knew it was the moment of truth. My feet suddenly felt like they were made of stone as I attempted to drag them across the mile-long distance between the couch and the door. Marco was waiting for me when I got there.
I wanted to say a million things. I wanted to explain everything. I wanted to scream about how hard it was for me. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to yell at me.
“Hey,” was what I ultimately ended up coming up with. I was not at my most eloquent at that moment.
Marco nodded gravely. “Hey.”
Then he punched me in the face.
I fell to floor, and Marco grabbed my collar. He punched me in the face again, and then a third time. He was sweating and trembling when he stopped and stared at me.
Our eyes met, and for what seemed like an eternity we just stared at each other. Finally, Marco broke the gaze and kissed me. Hard. It was rough and passionate, and before I realized what was happening, I was kissing him back. It was different from the night before; this time we felt so in sync with each other. It felt so natural. It felt right.
This isn’t what I wanted at all.
Fandom: Animorphs
Pairings: Marco/Jake, Jake/Cassie, Marco/Ax
Rating: PG
Summary: Jake reflects on the decisons he's made involving his relationship with Cassie, and especially with Marco.
Warnings: Slash content, as well as some serious angst.
Part of a series that's taken me four years to write three stories in. No promises on the finale. Eventually is all I can say.
Part 1: "Boys Will Be Boys"
Part 2: "Good Morning Heartache"
I never meant for things to get this bad. I don’t know if that means anything now, but I started out with the best intentions. Selfish ones, admittedly, but… I never wanted to hurt anyone.
I guess it’s a little late for that now.
I would like to preface things by saying that I’m not gay. Given what happened, I know that’s rather hard to believe. Rest assured, I know what I’m saying. I’m not repressing, in denial, or trying to lie to myself about anything. I like women. Cassie especially. I would even consider myself bisexual, not really. I don’t like guys.
But I love Marco.
I’m in love with Cassie, but it’s not the same thing. Marco’s been my best friend forever. We’ve been through so much over the years, and were as close as two people could be before the war. That just brought us closer. I think, and I know this sounds silly, but I think in a lot of ways, Marco’s my soulmate. He’s always been there, and he’ll always be there. Through everything.
Kind of a conflicting set of emotions, I know.
I tried a few times to talk to Marco about how I felt. It never seemed to go the way I wanted it to. Marco’s not exactly the easiest guy to open up to. He’s pretty closed off emotionally. He does the whole “I mask my pain with humor” thing really well. I know he felt the same way, but… It’s just not the sort of thing you talk about. Especially not two guys.
When he and Ax got together I thought everything would be okay. I had Cassie, and I was happy. He had Ax and was happy. But things didn’t get better. In fact, they seemed to get much worse. Funny how that works, isn’t it?
I got really… jealous isn’t exactly the right word. Marco and I have a bond that neither Cassie nor Ax could ever compete with. But it was all tension; we never acted on anything.
I didn’t have a choice. I had to… No, that’s not right. I had a choice, but it didn’t seem like one I could handle. It was too much pain to have all these unresolved feelings.
I thought it was the best way to do it. I thought it was best if Marco didn’t know.
I almost didn’t go through with it. As a matter of fact, I nearly stopped myself nine times that night. I spent the entire next day thinking about everyone of them, and how I could’ve acted differently. That night wasn’t my first attempt to resolve my feelings for Marco. I’d tried before, but ended up stopping when I got to his house or leaving his room before he came home. I knew if I didn’t go through with it that night, I’d just keep torturing myself. I’d keep waiting outside his window. I was going to do it eventually, I had to eventually, so why not that night?
So I waited in Marco’s room. I morphed Ax and then I demorphed back to myself when things got heated. I bared myself completely before Marco.
I could feel the heat from his eyes burning into my naked flesh. “You’re Jake.”
I nodded in grim acknowledgment. “Yes I am.”
I didn’t really enjoy the act itself. It was… okay. I mean, it got the job done. And Marco was… enthusiastic. I was actually thinking of Cassie the entire time.
But for a brief moment afterwards, I was glad I did it. I accomplished what I had set out to do. My feelings for Marco were resolved, and whatever came next, I could deal with the consequences knowing that I had at least done that one thing right.
I could feel Marco drifting to sleep in my arms. “I love you, Marco.”
“I love you too, Ax.”
I felt really bad about leaving Marco alone, but I didn’t really have much of an option in that regard. I felt even worse the next day pretending nothing had happened.
It was a really tense day, waiting for the hammer to fall. I knew it was going to come out eventually, so I just waited. I waited for Marco to yell at me, to attack me, to be furious with me. And rightfully so.
I waited for Ax, or maybe even Rachel, to try and kill me. I waited to be pecked to death by Tobias. I didn’t know how I thought Cassie was going to react. She was the one I was the most worried about.
I sat in my living room for hours, just waiting.
Finally around six o’clock it happened.
There was a knock on the door, and I knew it was the moment of truth. My feet suddenly felt like they were made of stone as I attempted to drag them across the mile-long distance between the couch and the door. Marco was waiting for me when I got there.
I wanted to say a million things. I wanted to explain everything. I wanted to scream about how hard it was for me. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to yell at me.
“Hey,” was what I ultimately ended up coming up with. I was not at my most eloquent at that moment.
Marco nodded gravely. “Hey.”
Then he punched me in the face.
I fell to floor, and Marco grabbed my collar. He punched me in the face again, and then a third time. He was sweating and trembling when he stopped and stared at me.
Our eyes met, and for what seemed like an eternity we just stared at each other. Finally, Marco broke the gaze and kissed me. Hard. It was rough and passionate, and before I realized what was happening, I was kissing him back. It was different from the night before; this time we felt so in sync with each other. It felt so natural. It felt right.
This isn’t what I wanted at all.