(no subject)
stream of conciousness below.
I've been noticing lately how naive I really am. People's deception and manipulation are beating me in the face, and I am just now starting to feel it. Life has not been normal for me. I am in so many positions this year where I feel like I'm working with sleazy politicians, but it's not just the people I'm working with but the people I considered my friends. It's something really hard for me to understand and I hate to think about it. When I do think about it, it makes me realize that there are some things I lie about. It sucks that it's taking other people's flaws or even just frustration and realizing that these are all qualities of myself. The problem is I don't know to what extreme. I don't know when I hurt someone's feelings, or I don't catch myself when I might be bending the truth in any sort of way. Or maybe just talking about someone but saying things I should just keep to myself, or only tell my most trusted friends. I want to reform myself. I want to get the facts and report them right. I want to say only positive things to the people around me and not shoot anyone down (unless I'm being facetious.) What also is bothering me is that I haven't really been myself lately. I feel as though I don't talk like I used to and I just don't have time for anyone. I'm too involved to the point I hardly have a life anymore. This past month I've felt like Atlas with all of my stress piling on top of me, but there's no escape. I don't have enough time. There are so many things I want to do but I'm limited. I'm running around and all I want to do is sit down and have a break. I want to be involved in my friend's lives again. Some of my best friends I rarely even get to see anymore aside from school. When I think about not being able to be with certain friends, I feel like something is scratching at me; shouting that I'm a bad friend and I'm not doing what I'm supposed to for these people that I love. I feel like no one really knows how much I care for them anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I hate trying to make plans but then I have to cancel them.
Despite what feelings are portrayed in the previous paragraph, I am happy about other aspects of my life. The Edge is one of the best things I could ever ask for. I'm growing deeper in my faith and making great relationships with middle schoolers. The happiness I get from the edge is making me think more about college and what I want to do with youth group there. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but I haven't reached a conclusion. That's ok though because I still have a year and a half to think about it even more. On that note, every day I pretty much want to go to JMU more and more. I just want to be there all the time. Hoorah for a month when I get to stay for a week! Something else that turned out great was Ringdance. Even though there was a whole bunch of stress involved along with a lot of my good friend's feelings getting hurt, the night turned out amazing. Danielle and I pretty much had the best date ever. By the way, thank you Danielle for letting me steal half of him from you. It was so much fun having Derek and Jeff here. Bah it's sad that they had to go home, but they should be coming back some day. There's always prom. Leadership Workshop is also coming up this weekend. I can't even begin to explain all of the stress from that, but after talking to Alex everything seemed to be ok. It'll be a lot of fun.
I feel like there is something missing from me.
I don't want to change from who I used to be.
I've been noticing lately how naive I really am. People's deception and manipulation are beating me in the face, and I am just now starting to feel it. Life has not been normal for me. I am in so many positions this year where I feel like I'm working with sleazy politicians, but it's not just the people I'm working with but the people I considered my friends. It's something really hard for me to understand and I hate to think about it. When I do think about it, it makes me realize that there are some things I lie about. It sucks that it's taking other people's flaws or even just frustration and realizing that these are all qualities of myself. The problem is I don't know to what extreme. I don't know when I hurt someone's feelings, or I don't catch myself when I might be bending the truth in any sort of way. Or maybe just talking about someone but saying things I should just keep to myself, or only tell my most trusted friends. I want to reform myself. I want to get the facts and report them right. I want to say only positive things to the people around me and not shoot anyone down (unless I'm being facetious.) What also is bothering me is that I haven't really been myself lately. I feel as though I don't talk like I used to and I just don't have time for anyone. I'm too involved to the point I hardly have a life anymore. This past month I've felt like Atlas with all of my stress piling on top of me, but there's no escape. I don't have enough time. There are so many things I want to do but I'm limited. I'm running around and all I want to do is sit down and have a break. I want to be involved in my friend's lives again. Some of my best friends I rarely even get to see anymore aside from school. When I think about not being able to be with certain friends, I feel like something is scratching at me; shouting that I'm a bad friend and I'm not doing what I'm supposed to for these people that I love. I feel like no one really knows how much I care for them anymore. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I hate trying to make plans but then I have to cancel them.
Despite what feelings are portrayed in the previous paragraph, I am happy about other aspects of my life. The Edge is one of the best things I could ever ask for. I'm growing deeper in my faith and making great relationships with middle schoolers. The happiness I get from the edge is making me think more about college and what I want to do with youth group there. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, but I haven't reached a conclusion. That's ok though because I still have a year and a half to think about it even more. On that note, every day I pretty much want to go to JMU more and more. I just want to be there all the time. Hoorah for a month when I get to stay for a week! Something else that turned out great was Ringdance. Even though there was a whole bunch of stress involved along with a lot of my good friend's feelings getting hurt, the night turned out amazing. Danielle and I pretty much had the best date ever. By the way, thank you Danielle for letting me steal half of him from you. It was so much fun having Derek and Jeff here. Bah it's sad that they had to go home, but they should be coming back some day. There's always prom. Leadership Workshop is also coming up this weekend. I can't even begin to explain all of the stress from that, but after talking to Alex everything seemed to be ok. It'll be a lot of fun.
I feel like there is something missing from me.
I don't want to change from who I used to be.