Cliches
The human heart is incredibly resiliant. Some of you may say its girly of me, but two months ago I didn't think I could meet someone else who inspired in me the kind of love I had for him. No matter how cliche this fear was, it was real because I did genuinely love. The past two months haven't been easy because I was forced to deal with heartbreak while thousands of miles from the support of my freinds and family...because I had to learn to live in a new city that exposed me to challenges much harder to overcome than learning the layout of new streets...because I had to, for the first time in my life, learn to be by myself. Times like these force you to look into yourself, examine who you are, look at things with a completely different perspective, and very often realise that there are things you don't like about yourself. That realization is difficult, but often vital.
I have always prided myself on making all of my life decisions rationally and yet I had somehow managed to plan out my future based on one person. In fact, I came to Philly indirectly because of him. But despite the fact that I made the choice to come here for the wrong reasons I'm grateful that I did. When I walked accross that stage in the Greek Theater in May I was unsure of everything...What carrer do I pick? Which of the freinds that I have made will remain with me for a lifetime and which will I loose the second college is over? Where do I belong in society or in a relationship? I felt incredibly alone and uncertain, which is probably why I attepted to cling to this image of "us" that was never a reality. I wanted something that was certain in my life and in my despiration I somehow made that something him.
Two months have passed since the night he told me that he wasn't going to be that something for me...that he couldn't and I'm happy that he did. That rejection somehow forced me to become the girl I had let go of...to stand on my two feet and take charge. I made the mistake of confusing love with helplessness. It was ridiculous to ask this of him because, fundamentally he's just as young and possibly unsure of his future as I am. We never know why suddenly we love others so unquestioningly. Eric loved me that way. A love that I never returned, which caused him a whole lot of misery especially after I told him I loved someone else when he offered up heart, his future to me. Not loving him doesn't make me a bad person. As much as I tried I just couldn't. As we all know life enjoys a good dose of irony...it seems that I learned exactly what Eric was going through just a year later. It took me some time to realise that it's not me or him...but wheather it be hormones or something else, but he just didn't feel for me what I felt for him and that is alright. In the end, maybe we all need a heartbreak to realise exactly what we are looking for in life.
I would some day like to spend my life with a man/woman I love. I want children and a more or less conventional family. But I'm my own person. I may be intimidating to some guys, unatractive to others, or plain weird for a lot of them, but I don't need many guys...I need one. And life is too short to wait for him or go looking for him. Eventually he will come along and if he doesn't life is amazing enough to enjoy it in other ways. A character in an incredibly silly movie once said "Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now and if it really works the NOW part will fall away all by itself."
So maybe I should thank him for being that influence in my life that put me in a place where I realised how much I really do love science, for realising that eventhough I'm currently far away from my freinds they won't dissapear and will be there for me whatever the distance between us, and also for realising that I am enough for my own happiness. I don't need someone else to fill that void, because if I'm trully happy with myself there will not be a void at all and that someone else will simply complement me. In a week I leave Philly a stronger person that the scared girl that came here.
I don't know if we ever really stop loving someone, but maybe getting over a love is simply opening our hearts wider to make space for another one. I no longer day dream of a future together or feel a pinch in my heart when I see guys who look like him. I thought that if he and I didn't give "us" a try I would forever regret it, but I don't. Life doesn't end at 21...or even 30 or 55. Yes, I loved and it didn't happen, but I know just a little bit better what I do want and will hopefully never make the mistake of being the weak, clingy, female that doesn't see a life without that big strong man she has mushi feelings for.
My life forever the cliche: What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
I have always prided myself on making all of my life decisions rationally and yet I had somehow managed to plan out my future based on one person. In fact, I came to Philly indirectly because of him. But despite the fact that I made the choice to come here for the wrong reasons I'm grateful that I did. When I walked accross that stage in the Greek Theater in May I was unsure of everything...What carrer do I pick? Which of the freinds that I have made will remain with me for a lifetime and which will I loose the second college is over? Where do I belong in society or in a relationship? I felt incredibly alone and uncertain, which is probably why I attepted to cling to this image of "us" that was never a reality. I wanted something that was certain in my life and in my despiration I somehow made that something him.
Two months have passed since the night he told me that he wasn't going to be that something for me...that he couldn't and I'm happy that he did. That rejection somehow forced me to become the girl I had let go of...to stand on my two feet and take charge. I made the mistake of confusing love with helplessness. It was ridiculous to ask this of him because, fundamentally he's just as young and possibly unsure of his future as I am. We never know why suddenly we love others so unquestioningly. Eric loved me that way. A love that I never returned, which caused him a whole lot of misery especially after I told him I loved someone else when he offered up heart, his future to me. Not loving him doesn't make me a bad person. As much as I tried I just couldn't. As we all know life enjoys a good dose of irony...it seems that I learned exactly what Eric was going through just a year later. It took me some time to realise that it's not me or him...but wheather it be hormones or something else, but he just didn't feel for me what I felt for him and that is alright. In the end, maybe we all need a heartbreak to realise exactly what we are looking for in life.
I would some day like to spend my life with a man/woman I love. I want children and a more or less conventional family. But I'm my own person. I may be intimidating to some guys, unatractive to others, or plain weird for a lot of them, but I don't need many guys...I need one. And life is too short to wait for him or go looking for him. Eventually he will come along and if he doesn't life is amazing enough to enjoy it in other ways. A character in an incredibly silly movie once said "Don't go looking for Mr. Right. Look for Mr. Right Now and if it really works the NOW part will fall away all by itself."
So maybe I should thank him for being that influence in my life that put me in a place where I realised how much I really do love science, for realising that eventhough I'm currently far away from my freinds they won't dissapear and will be there for me whatever the distance between us, and also for realising that I am enough for my own happiness. I don't need someone else to fill that void, because if I'm trully happy with myself there will not be a void at all and that someone else will simply complement me. In a week I leave Philly a stronger person that the scared girl that came here.
I don't know if we ever really stop loving someone, but maybe getting over a love is simply opening our hearts wider to make space for another one. I no longer day dream of a future together or feel a pinch in my heart when I see guys who look like him. I thought that if he and I didn't give "us" a try I would forever regret it, but I don't. Life doesn't end at 21...or even 30 or 55. Yes, I loved and it didn't happen, but I know just a little bit better what I do want and will hopefully never make the mistake of being the weak, clingy, female that doesn't see a life without that big strong man she has mushi feelings for.
My life forever the cliche: What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.