FIC: White Flag(28/40)
Title: White Flag
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sam/Brooke...Sam/F..
Summary: This is an Futurefic in which Brooke and Sam have already been
together.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I certainly wish I did. Damn Ryan
Murphy and his unrivaled genius.
A/N: Well due to some very unexpected encouragement, I've decided to start posting this fic again. Actually my roomie, carpesomediem, saw that I posted a drabble last week and told me I had to post more White Flag or she would host a sit-in in my room. So, I gave into her demands. I don't make any promises, but I hope to continue to do so til it's complete. Thanks to all of you that have been patiently awaiting the return of this fic. It means a lot to me.
A thank you always to my trusty beta Karen. I don't know where I'd be without her.
Part Twenty-eight
Cara stood by the window, watching the rain. She hadn’t spoken much in the three weeks since she’d collapsed. In fact, she hadn’t done much of anything. She wouldn’t leave her room unless she was forced. She struggled with her mothers when they tried to comfort her. Today was the first day Sam had managed to get anywhere near the young brunette with a hairbrush. It was also the first day that they’d been able to get Cara to come to family therapy. It hadn’t done any good. They’d been there twenty minutes and she’d yet to say a word. She wouldn’t even look at them.
“Cara, can you tell me why you’re still refusing to eat?” Dr. Tanner asked, looking up from her notes.
The young girl shrugged, continuing to stare unseeingly out of the window.
Brooke watched her daughter with tears burning her eyes. Mac’s words had played over and over in her mind since that day in the hospital and she couldn’t deny the truth in what she’d said. Not for the first time, Brooke wondered how she’d let things get so bad. She looked over at Sam, whose head was lowered as she fidgeted with her hands nervously. They hadn’t had a single fight since that afternoon, but they weren’t exactly talking either. As if she could feel the blonde’s intense gaze on her, she looked up. She scowled in confusion and looked away.
“Okay, well we don’t have to talk about food. How about you tell me why you won’t talk to your moms?”
Cara visibly bristled at the mention of her parents, but instead of turning around she shrugged.
Brooke sought out the doctor’s brown eyes with her own, silently pleading with her to try again. She’d never seen Cara so lifeless and it scared her. She knew what it was like to be in this place, but her daughter seemed to have slipped a lot further than she ever had. A part of her feared that they wouldn’t ever get Cara back and it wouldn’t matter if Mac hated her for the rest of her life. She would hate herself.
Dr. Tanner nodded. “You know, Cara. I’m sure your mothers would love to hear what you have to say.”
Cara turned at this, her hazel eyes flashing angrily as she looked at first her parents and then the doctor. Sam gasped. “Cara, it’s true.”
“No, it’s not.” The girl’s voice was devoid of emotion and eerily calm.
It chilled the blonde to the bone. “It is. We love you.”
The younger brunette shook her head almost violently. “No, you don’t!”
“Cara, how could think that? Of course we love you.” Sam moved to stand, but stopped at Cara’s next words.
“No, you don’t! You hate me! And I HATE YOU!” Cara shouted.
Sam shook her, imitating the girl’s earlier actions. Her brown eyes filled with tears and her voice cracked with emotion as she spoke. “No, you don’t, Cara. We don’t hate yo-”
“YES, YOU DO!” Cara’s fists clenched at her sides and Brooke flinched.
Brooke tried to work past the lump in her throat. “Why? Why do you think that we hate you?” She asked in a whisper.
Cara seemed to deflate a little at the question. Tears spilled over her cheeks, but she wiped them away furiously. She couldn’t seem to stop them from coming and sobbed as she continued to yell. “Because you don’t care! You made me come here and you forgot about me! I HATE IT HERE! AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE! You don’t even care…”
Sam rushed over to comfort their daughter, but Cara pushed her away almost violently. “Leave me alone! I hate you! I HATE YOU!” Cara screamed. “Everything was perfect before I came here. I hate it! And I hate you!”
Those words brought Brooke out of her seat. She grabbed her daughter’s flailing arms and wouldn’t let go. “Cara, look at me.”
The girl refused. “Let me go! I hate you!”
Brooke tried to ignore the pain that threatened to steal her breath at the girl’s words. Instead, she forced her voice to remain calm. “Please look at me.”
Something in the blonde’s tone brought reluctant hazel eyes to meet her own. What she saw there frightened her. “Cara, what was perfect?” Though she feared she already knew the answer. The girl struggled more before collapsing against Brooke as sobs racked her body. “Shh…it’s okay.” Brooke rocked the girl until she quieted. She brushed damp dark locks out of her face and looked up into watery amber colored eyes. “What was perfect?”
“Everything,” Cara whispered with a sniffle. “I…I…you always break your promises and Mommy was getting married and I…I just…”
“You just what, sweetheart?” Sam asked. She moved to kneel next to her ex-wife.
“I just…wanted to be perfect. And I was. And…and…Mim wanted to spend time with me. And…Kat…Mom was happy. Everything was perfect! And then you made me come here! I hate it here!” Her hazel eyes turned dark with rage. “I’m not sick! I’m fine! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Cara pulled free and ran out the door.
“Cara!” Sam called as she raced after her, but Brooke was rooted in her spot. She let her head drop as her shoulders shook. Tears spilled over her cheeks, blurring her vision.
She let out a startled gasp as she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning she saw Dr. Tanner’s kind brown eyes looking back at her. “I did this to her…”she whispered.
“Brooke, blaming yourself isn’t going to-”
The blonde let out a tearful, mirthless laugh. As she spoke, her voice was hoarse with emotion. “I know, but it’s true.”
“You know, there’s still about twenty minutes left to the session. We could continue your talk if you would like.”
Brooke wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath. “No, no…I should probably go check on them,” she said as she moved to stand. She gathered her and Sam’s things and made her way to the door.
The doctor called to her just as she met the threshold. She turned and looked at the older woman. “I think we finally had the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for.”
Brooke nodded her agreement before walking out of the room and down the hall.
The blonde stood in the marble hallway pacing for a moment. When she’d left a very angry Cara and a very defeated Sam at the hospital, she’d just started driving. A million thoughts raced through her mind as she by passed her exit and kept driving. She needed to fix this. And there was only one way she was going to do that. Walking up to the door, she knocked loudly.
Seconds later, the door opened revealing a striking older woman with eyes very much like her own. “Brooke? What…what are you doing here? Is everything all right?”
“Hi Mom, can I come in?”
“Oh of course,” Kelly Foster said as she stepped aside. Brooke walked past her mother ignoring the pretentious opulence of the swanky loft apartment until she got to the living room. Looking around she was taken aback by how much her own apartment resembled this one. White walls bare save for a few pieces of artwork. Two pictures adorned the end tables next to the couch. One was of Kelly and Brooke when Brooke was a small child the other was a similar picture of Brooke and Cara when Cara had been a similar age.
“Would you…like some tea?” Kelly asked nervously as she made her way to the kitchen. “I’d offer you some coffee, but I don’t tend to keep any here. I’ve never cared for the taste.”
Brooke turned to the older woman and nodded. “Tea’s fine. I’m not much for coffee myself.”
The blonde moved to sit at the small, café like table. It only seated two, much like the table at Brooke’s place. Just enough room for her and Cara, though they usually ate while sitting on the couch in the living room. Judging from the almost museum like precision she’d taken with decorating her apartment, she couldn’t imagine Cara ever sitting with her grandmother and pigging out on pizza while watching lame Orlando Bloom movies. And not for the first time, Brooke was grateful to whatever force had brought Jane McPherson into their lives.
“So how are Sam and Cara? Did Cara like her Christmas present?” Kelly asked as she poured the hot water into the mugs and carried them over to the table on a tray.
“Thanks,” Brooke said as took the proffered mug. Scooping some sugar into her tea, she considered her mother’s question. “Cara loved her present.”
“That’s great. You’ll have to give them my regards.”
Brooke smirked. “I will pass the message along to Sam the next time I see her.” The older woman arched her eyebrow in question. “We…uh…aren’t together anymore.”
Kelly took a sip and tilted her head thoughtfully. “You know, I can’t say that I’m surprised. I never thought you’d be happy tied down to a wife and a child. You’re very independent like me.”
The blonde sat her cup down a little louder than she’d intended. “Sam…uh…Sam left me.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, three years ago.” Brooke stared into the steam rising from the cup until the pain in her chest subsided.
“It’s just as well. I never did understand what you and your father saw in those McPherson women. Now one of my business associates has a daughter that just recently came out and she-”
Brooke reached out her hand and touched her mother’s wrist, bringing hazel eyes to hers in confusion. “Mom, I didn’t come here to talk about that.”
Kelly nodded. “I figured as much. I didn’t think this was a social call. After all, it’s way past midnight.”
“Mom, do you remember when you came back my junior year of high school?”
The older woman smiled fondly. “Of course I remember. You were going to come live with me, but at the last minute you changed your mind.” Her tone cooled as she took a sip of tea.
“Yeah,” Brooke said around the lump in her throat. “I was so happy to have my mother back. I would have done anything not to lose you again. So, I pushed all of the anger and hurt that had built in those eight years you were gone down into my stomach. I locked it away and I told myself it didn’t matter. I convinced myself that you were there and bringing all of it up would just make you leave again. So I didn’t. I just pretended it didn’t matter.”
The brown haired woman looked at Brooke in stony silence. Her face was a mixture of shame, fear, and anger, but still she said nothing.
“But you know what, Mom? It did matter,” the blonde continued as the tears filled her eyes. “It mattered because I had every right to be angry with you. You left me and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me why. I came home from school and you weren’t there. I searched the whole house for you and there was nothing. Not even a note.”
“Brooke I-”
“No, please let me finish. Do you know that I waited for a whole year for you to come home? Every time the door opened I expected you to come walking through it and you never did. It killed me. I thought I’d done something wrong. So you know what I did? I started exercising and I started dieting and it didn’t work. So, I told myself ‘you’ve got to try harder, Brooke. You have to be more disciplined to prove to Mommy she can be proud of you.’ I made myself sick waiting for you and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were leaving!” Brooke said as tears spilled down her cheeks. She looked over at the woman with a face that was so much like her own and saw the wetness on her cheeks as well. Brooke wanted to hate her, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t. She sniffled and looked down into her mug. “But when you came back, it was like you’d never left. And I was the same little girl trying to prove to you that you could be proud of me.”
“Oh Brooke, I am proud of you. It was never your fault. I just-”
“Why?” Brooke asked suddenly, meeting her mother’s gaze with her angry one.
“What?”
“I asked why? Why did you leave?”
Kelly looked as if Brooke had struck her. She opened and closed her mouth several times, but no words came out.
“You know what? Don’t answer that. Nothing you could tell me would ever make me feel any better. Nothing you could ever say will justify it.” And with that, Brooke got the closure she’d spent her whole life searching for. “It’s okay because I fucked up just like you did. I broke every promise I ever made to Cara and myself and I became the one person I never wanted to be. I became you.”
“Brooke, I don’t know what you want from me.” Kelly whispered looking at her daughter.
“That’s the thing. I came here thinking I wanted everything from you and it turns out that I don’t want anything.” Brooke stood and straightened her jacket. “Thanks for the tea, Mom. I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Where are you going? It’s late. You could just stay here for the night.” Kelly stood from her seat, grabbing Brooke’s arm.
“No, I can’t. I have to fix things before it’s too late.” Brooke gazed at her mother sympathetically for a moment before turning to walk to the door.
“Brooke, wait.”
The blonde stopped and looked back at her mother.
“I only ever wanted what was best for you.”
Brooke smiled and nodded. “Oddly enough, leaving me was the best thing you ever did for me.” And with that Brooke turned and walked out the door. The difference between her and her mother was that Brooke would do everything within her power to be what was best for her daughter.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Sam/Brooke...Sam/F..
Summary: This is an Futurefic in which Brooke and Sam have already been
together.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, but I certainly wish I did. Damn Ryan
Murphy and his unrivaled genius.
A/N: Well due to some very unexpected encouragement, I've decided to start posting this fic again. Actually my roomie, carpesomediem, saw that I posted a drabble last week and told me I had to post more White Flag or she would host a sit-in in my room. So, I gave into her demands. I don't make any promises, but I hope to continue to do so til it's complete. Thanks to all of you that have been patiently awaiting the return of this fic. It means a lot to me.
A thank you always to my trusty beta Karen. I don't know where I'd be without her.
Part Twenty-eight
Cara stood by the window, watching the rain. She hadn’t spoken much in the three weeks since she’d collapsed. In fact, she hadn’t done much of anything. She wouldn’t leave her room unless she was forced. She struggled with her mothers when they tried to comfort her. Today was the first day Sam had managed to get anywhere near the young brunette with a hairbrush. It was also the first day that they’d been able to get Cara to come to family therapy. It hadn’t done any good. They’d been there twenty minutes and she’d yet to say a word. She wouldn’t even look at them.
“Cara, can you tell me why you’re still refusing to eat?” Dr. Tanner asked, looking up from her notes.
The young girl shrugged, continuing to stare unseeingly out of the window.
Brooke watched her daughter with tears burning her eyes. Mac’s words had played over and over in her mind since that day in the hospital and she couldn’t deny the truth in what she’d said. Not for the first time, Brooke wondered how she’d let things get so bad. She looked over at Sam, whose head was lowered as she fidgeted with her hands nervously. They hadn’t had a single fight since that afternoon, but they weren’t exactly talking either. As if she could feel the blonde’s intense gaze on her, she looked up. She scowled in confusion and looked away.
“Okay, well we don’t have to talk about food. How about you tell me why you won’t talk to your moms?”
Cara visibly bristled at the mention of her parents, but instead of turning around she shrugged.
Brooke sought out the doctor’s brown eyes with her own, silently pleading with her to try again. She’d never seen Cara so lifeless and it scared her. She knew what it was like to be in this place, but her daughter seemed to have slipped a lot further than she ever had. A part of her feared that they wouldn’t ever get Cara back and it wouldn’t matter if Mac hated her for the rest of her life. She would hate herself.
Dr. Tanner nodded. “You know, Cara. I’m sure your mothers would love to hear what you have to say.”
Cara turned at this, her hazel eyes flashing angrily as she looked at first her parents and then the doctor. Sam gasped. “Cara, it’s true.”
“No, it’s not.” The girl’s voice was devoid of emotion and eerily calm.
It chilled the blonde to the bone. “It is. We love you.”
The younger brunette shook her head almost violently. “No, you don’t!”
“Cara, how could think that? Of course we love you.” Sam moved to stand, but stopped at Cara’s next words.
“No, you don’t! You hate me! And I HATE YOU!” Cara shouted.
Sam shook her, imitating the girl’s earlier actions. Her brown eyes filled with tears and her voice cracked with emotion as she spoke. “No, you don’t, Cara. We don’t hate yo-”
“YES, YOU DO!” Cara’s fists clenched at her sides and Brooke flinched.
Brooke tried to work past the lump in her throat. “Why? Why do you think that we hate you?” She asked in a whisper.
Cara seemed to deflate a little at the question. Tears spilled over her cheeks, but she wiped them away furiously. She couldn’t seem to stop them from coming and sobbed as she continued to yell. “Because you don’t care! You made me come here and you forgot about me! I HATE IT HERE! AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE! You don’t even care…”
Sam rushed over to comfort their daughter, but Cara pushed her away almost violently. “Leave me alone! I hate you! I HATE YOU!” Cara screamed. “Everything was perfect before I came here. I hate it! And I hate you!”
Those words brought Brooke out of her seat. She grabbed her daughter’s flailing arms and wouldn’t let go. “Cara, look at me.”
The girl refused. “Let me go! I hate you!”
Brooke tried to ignore the pain that threatened to steal her breath at the girl’s words. Instead, she forced her voice to remain calm. “Please look at me.”
Something in the blonde’s tone brought reluctant hazel eyes to meet her own. What she saw there frightened her. “Cara, what was perfect?” Though she feared she already knew the answer. The girl struggled more before collapsing against Brooke as sobs racked her body. “Shh…it’s okay.” Brooke rocked the girl until she quieted. She brushed damp dark locks out of her face and looked up into watery amber colored eyes. “What was perfect?”
“Everything,” Cara whispered with a sniffle. “I…I…you always break your promises and Mommy was getting married and I…I just…”
“You just what, sweetheart?” Sam asked. She moved to kneel next to her ex-wife.
“I just…wanted to be perfect. And I was. And…and…Mim wanted to spend time with me. And…Kat…Mom was happy. Everything was perfect! And then you made me come here! I hate it here!” Her hazel eyes turned dark with rage. “I’m not sick! I’m fine! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Cara pulled free and ran out the door.
“Cara!” Sam called as she raced after her, but Brooke was rooted in her spot. She let her head drop as her shoulders shook. Tears spilled over her cheeks, blurring her vision.
She let out a startled gasp as she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning she saw Dr. Tanner’s kind brown eyes looking back at her. “I did this to her…”she whispered.
“Brooke, blaming yourself isn’t going to-”
The blonde let out a tearful, mirthless laugh. As she spoke, her voice was hoarse with emotion. “I know, but it’s true.”
“You know, there’s still about twenty minutes left to the session. We could continue your talk if you would like.”
Brooke wiped the tears from her eyes and took a deep breath. “No, no…I should probably go check on them,” she said as she moved to stand. She gathered her and Sam’s things and made her way to the door.
The doctor called to her just as she met the threshold. She turned and looked at the older woman. “I think we finally had the breakthrough we’ve been waiting for.”
Brooke nodded her agreement before walking out of the room and down the hall.
The blonde stood in the marble hallway pacing for a moment. When she’d left a very angry Cara and a very defeated Sam at the hospital, she’d just started driving. A million thoughts raced through her mind as she by passed her exit and kept driving. She needed to fix this. And there was only one way she was going to do that. Walking up to the door, she knocked loudly.
Seconds later, the door opened revealing a striking older woman with eyes very much like her own. “Brooke? What…what are you doing here? Is everything all right?”
“Hi Mom, can I come in?”
“Oh of course,” Kelly Foster said as she stepped aside. Brooke walked past her mother ignoring the pretentious opulence of the swanky loft apartment until she got to the living room. Looking around she was taken aback by how much her own apartment resembled this one. White walls bare save for a few pieces of artwork. Two pictures adorned the end tables next to the couch. One was of Kelly and Brooke when Brooke was a small child the other was a similar picture of Brooke and Cara when Cara had been a similar age.
“Would you…like some tea?” Kelly asked nervously as she made her way to the kitchen. “I’d offer you some coffee, but I don’t tend to keep any here. I’ve never cared for the taste.”
Brooke turned to the older woman and nodded. “Tea’s fine. I’m not much for coffee myself.”
The blonde moved to sit at the small, café like table. It only seated two, much like the table at Brooke’s place. Just enough room for her and Cara, though they usually ate while sitting on the couch in the living room. Judging from the almost museum like precision she’d taken with decorating her apartment, she couldn’t imagine Cara ever sitting with her grandmother and pigging out on pizza while watching lame Orlando Bloom movies. And not for the first time, Brooke was grateful to whatever force had brought Jane McPherson into their lives.
“So how are Sam and Cara? Did Cara like her Christmas present?” Kelly asked as she poured the hot water into the mugs and carried them over to the table on a tray.
“Thanks,” Brooke said as took the proffered mug. Scooping some sugar into her tea, she considered her mother’s question. “Cara loved her present.”
“That’s great. You’ll have to give them my regards.”
Brooke smirked. “I will pass the message along to Sam the next time I see her.” The older woman arched her eyebrow in question. “We…uh…aren’t together anymore.”
Kelly took a sip and tilted her head thoughtfully. “You know, I can’t say that I’m surprised. I never thought you’d be happy tied down to a wife and a child. You’re very independent like me.”
The blonde sat her cup down a little louder than she’d intended. “Sam…uh…Sam left me.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, three years ago.” Brooke stared into the steam rising from the cup until the pain in her chest subsided.
“It’s just as well. I never did understand what you and your father saw in those McPherson women. Now one of my business associates has a daughter that just recently came out and she-”
Brooke reached out her hand and touched her mother’s wrist, bringing hazel eyes to hers in confusion. “Mom, I didn’t come here to talk about that.”
Kelly nodded. “I figured as much. I didn’t think this was a social call. After all, it’s way past midnight.”
“Mom, do you remember when you came back my junior year of high school?”
The older woman smiled fondly. “Of course I remember. You were going to come live with me, but at the last minute you changed your mind.” Her tone cooled as she took a sip of tea.
“Yeah,” Brooke said around the lump in her throat. “I was so happy to have my mother back. I would have done anything not to lose you again. So, I pushed all of the anger and hurt that had built in those eight years you were gone down into my stomach. I locked it away and I told myself it didn’t matter. I convinced myself that you were there and bringing all of it up would just make you leave again. So I didn’t. I just pretended it didn’t matter.”
The brown haired woman looked at Brooke in stony silence. Her face was a mixture of shame, fear, and anger, but still she said nothing.
“But you know what, Mom? It did matter,” the blonde continued as the tears filled her eyes. “It mattered because I had every right to be angry with you. You left me and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me why. I came home from school and you weren’t there. I searched the whole house for you and there was nothing. Not even a note.”
“Brooke I-”
“No, please let me finish. Do you know that I waited for a whole year for you to come home? Every time the door opened I expected you to come walking through it and you never did. It killed me. I thought I’d done something wrong. So you know what I did? I started exercising and I started dieting and it didn’t work. So, I told myself ‘you’ve got to try harder, Brooke. You have to be more disciplined to prove to Mommy she can be proud of you.’ I made myself sick waiting for you and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were leaving!” Brooke said as tears spilled down her cheeks. She looked over at the woman with a face that was so much like her own and saw the wetness on her cheeks as well. Brooke wanted to hate her, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t. She sniffled and looked down into her mug. “But when you came back, it was like you’d never left. And I was the same little girl trying to prove to you that you could be proud of me.”
“Oh Brooke, I am proud of you. It was never your fault. I just-”
“Why?” Brooke asked suddenly, meeting her mother’s gaze with her angry one.
“What?”
“I asked why? Why did you leave?”
Kelly looked as if Brooke had struck her. She opened and closed her mouth several times, but no words came out.
“You know what? Don’t answer that. Nothing you could tell me would ever make me feel any better. Nothing you could ever say will justify it.” And with that, Brooke got the closure she’d spent her whole life searching for. “It’s okay because I fucked up just like you did. I broke every promise I ever made to Cara and myself and I became the one person I never wanted to be. I became you.”
“Brooke, I don’t know what you want from me.” Kelly whispered looking at her daughter.
“That’s the thing. I came here thinking I wanted everything from you and it turns out that I don’t want anything.” Brooke stood and straightened her jacket. “Thanks for the tea, Mom. I’m sorry I woke you.”
“Where are you going? It’s late. You could just stay here for the night.” Kelly stood from her seat, grabbing Brooke’s arm.
“No, I can’t. I have to fix things before it’s too late.” Brooke gazed at her mother sympathetically for a moment before turning to walk to the door.
“Brooke, wait.”
The blonde stopped and looked back at her mother.
“I only ever wanted what was best for you.”
Brooke smiled and nodded. “Oddly enough, leaving me was the best thing you ever did for me.” And with that Brooke turned and walked out the door. The difference between her and her mother was that Brooke would do everything within her power to be what was best for her daughter.