i am finally seeing why i was the one worth leaving
hooooh boy. a lot on my mind right now. more late-night introspection. i really had nothing else to do while shading in my drawing for design. and now, so that i may more fully understand what the conflict in my head has been about, i will put it in here. this is more of an evaluation of myself, but i guess i'm just writing it here so other bored people like me can have some reading material. it may be long, weird, and uninteresting, so unless you really have nothing better to do, avoid this entry.
i have a tendency to fuck things up occasionally. in my head, at least. sometimes i get over it right away, and sometimes i get so worked up that i feel like my stomach is eating itself for the rest of the night. tonight, the latter. i overreact to the tiniest little things, and often times it affects my mood so much that an excellent night can be (nearly) spoiled in an instant.
i mulled over this for a long time tonight, and i think it comes from a lack of self-confidence. i seem to get the idea that i don't have much holding power, and that creates some sense of paranoia that i'm going to lose her. this comes despite ALL of the amazing conversations we have, every single night. despite the constant reassurance of forever. despite the Love.
i've got some sort of demon that hides in the back of my mind and tries to tell me things aren't okay, even when they're perfect. there's a safety net of promises and memories and plans, tightly woven into something seemingly impenetrable; yet this demon burns holes in that net every now and then and i find myself slipping through. with her, though, i always find something to hold on to. that's the difference between now and then. i've finally realized what life really is about, but i can never enjoy it as much as i want because of the constant battles in my head. and i'm tired of it.
in a way, it helped me in the past because i became more aware if something didn't seem right, and was able to prepare for what often was to come.
the story has changed, however, and now that i've found her, i no longer need this subconscious warning system. i know this. so tonight i am ridding myself of that. exorcising the demon. throwing caution to the wind.
letting my guard down.
i have tried this in the past but the times were clearly not right; now, though, i couldn't be more comfortable with it. i feel safe with her. "like i'm home." i don't want to mess anything up, ever.
and i won't.
i love her like the thirsty soil loves the rain; she's a part of me, and nothing will ever change that. not even me...my worst enemy.
goodnight <3
i have a tendency to fuck things up occasionally. in my head, at least. sometimes i get over it right away, and sometimes i get so worked up that i feel like my stomach is eating itself for the rest of the night. tonight, the latter. i overreact to the tiniest little things, and often times it affects my mood so much that an excellent night can be (nearly) spoiled in an instant.
i mulled over this for a long time tonight, and i think it comes from a lack of self-confidence. i seem to get the idea that i don't have much holding power, and that creates some sense of paranoia that i'm going to lose her. this comes despite ALL of the amazing conversations we have, every single night. despite the constant reassurance of forever. despite the Love.
i've got some sort of demon that hides in the back of my mind and tries to tell me things aren't okay, even when they're perfect. there's a safety net of promises and memories and plans, tightly woven into something seemingly impenetrable; yet this demon burns holes in that net every now and then and i find myself slipping through. with her, though, i always find something to hold on to. that's the difference between now and then. i've finally realized what life really is about, but i can never enjoy it as much as i want because of the constant battles in my head. and i'm tired of it.
in a way, it helped me in the past because i became more aware if something didn't seem right, and was able to prepare for what often was to come.
the story has changed, however, and now that i've found her, i no longer need this subconscious warning system. i know this. so tonight i am ridding myself of that. exorcising the demon. throwing caution to the wind.
letting my guard down.
i have tried this in the past but the times were clearly not right; now, though, i couldn't be more comfortable with it. i feel safe with her. "like i'm home." i don't want to mess anything up, ever.
and i won't.
i love her like the thirsty soil loves the rain; she's a part of me, and nothing will ever change that. not even me...my worst enemy.
goodnight <3