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I really wish I had something better to write about. But the fact is, all I've done lately is work.......and think. It's been a long few weeks and I think either the work is wearing down on me, or my emotions are. I haven't been able to control much lately. It's either my sadness, or my (appearently recent finding) or complete anger. I think I know what started it, but I can't find a resolve...therapy maybe? I don't know, I guess I just had all these thoughts hit me at once, the main one being my own future, and my past. I don't know what happened. I partially feel like I've let 20 years pass me by. Did I do enough, not do enough? I don't know. I mean, I feel like I haven't done anything. I might have, but it's hard to tell. Besides, everyone says when you do something right, you wouldn't know you hadn't done anything at all...so where does my life and actions fit into this?
I also continue to have these weird dreams that someone is killing me, and it's always someone I know, and always someone different, someone I know, or someone I love[d], and all it does is make me nervous. I wake up in cold sweats, or in tears, or both...usually both. I don't even understand why I'm having all this happen at once, but it just piles on day after day. Maybe it's because I've just been thinking a lot lately, what if any of the people I was ever in love with, were never in love with me? I know it was true with one or two of them, but all of them? Granted that takes the number up to like 8, but still, it's a painful thought. I thought I could maybe find someone different here, but it hasn't been that way, actually I feel even more separated in a place with far more people than I did back home. I try not to think about most of this stuff, but I do. ...why the hell do I even bother with loving people, it just gets me into situations like the one I'm in now. I'm positive someone I was in love with started this. . .
Or it could have been started by my ailing academic career, which is now descending faster than a skydiver on Jupiter. My GPA has gone from a 2.7 to a 2.20, and I'm now faced with a decision to take a math class for the 3rd time, or find a new degree. Not exactly how I planned college on going, seeing how it was going pretty swimmingly until I figured out that half the classes I was taking were meant to rape my GPA in the first places. Assholes. Who need to do that, we're already having a hard enough time with this shit anyway.
I haven't really had anything else happen other than that, I shaved 90% of my hair off, and I'm left with a thin layer of hair and a goatee, which most people seem to like, so I'll probably keep the look. It's also been noted that I have a somewhat colder air than usual, which is probably right. I haven't been myself in a long time (close to a few months), because I think I just stop caring, or something. I don't know. Things that used to excite me don't get the usual reaction out of me. Maybe I'm just starting to slow down, I don't know. I just don't know.
I also continue to have these weird dreams that someone is killing me, and it's always someone I know, and always someone different, someone I know, or someone I love[d], and all it does is make me nervous. I wake up in cold sweats, or in tears, or both...usually both. I don't even understand why I'm having all this happen at once, but it just piles on day after day. Maybe it's because I've just been thinking a lot lately, what if any of the people I was ever in love with, were never in love with me? I know it was true with one or two of them, but all of them? Granted that takes the number up to like 8, but still, it's a painful thought. I thought I could maybe find someone different here, but it hasn't been that way, actually I feel even more separated in a place with far more people than I did back home. I try not to think about most of this stuff, but I do. ...why the hell do I even bother with loving people, it just gets me into situations like the one I'm in now. I'm positive someone I was in love with started this. . .
Or it could have been started by my ailing academic career, which is now descending faster than a skydiver on Jupiter. My GPA has gone from a 2.7 to a 2.20, and I'm now faced with a decision to take a math class for the 3rd time, or find a new degree. Not exactly how I planned college on going, seeing how it was going pretty swimmingly until I figured out that half the classes I was taking were meant to rape my GPA in the first places. Assholes. Who need to do that, we're already having a hard enough time with this shit anyway.
I haven't really had anything else happen other than that, I shaved 90% of my hair off, and I'm left with a thin layer of hair and a goatee, which most people seem to like, so I'll probably keep the look. It's also been noted that I have a somewhat colder air than usual, which is probably right. I haven't been myself in a long time (close to a few months), because I think I just stop caring, or something. I don't know. Things that used to excite me don't get the usual reaction out of me. Maybe I'm just starting to slow down, I don't know. I just don't know.