It all works better on paper.
I asked you guys last night if you thought I was ready to date. I'm not. Not until I have one o' them identity thingumajiggers. I checked all the flyers today, but there aren't any on sale, so I've returned to lj to splatter my brains on a wall of the E-niverse like a series of jarringly-coloured paintball pellets.
How is identity defined? It's complicated, because after much thought I doubt it's defined by personality or opinions or how we dress or collections of stuff or what we think. I'm willing to bet that identity is something we get to choose, but that brings me no closer to what it means. I just know I don't have much of one, whatever it is.
Being me, I decided a good starting point would be the dictionary. Here's what Dictionary.com came up with:
-noun,plural-ties.
1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions:
The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was
the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same one as described.
5. the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes
disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.
6. exact likeness in nature or qualities: an identity of interests.
7. an instance or point of sameness or likeness: to mistake resemblances for identities.
8. Logic. an assertion that two terms refer to the same thing.
9. Mathematics.
a. an equation that is valid for all values of its variables.
b. Also called identity element, unit element, unity. an element in a set such that the
element operating on any other element of the set leaves the second element
unchanged.
c. the property of a function or map such that each element is mapped into itself.
d. the function or map itself.
10. Australian Informal. an interesting, famous, or eccentric resident, usually of long standing in a community.
So, if I'm reading this right, identity is the solid sense of self (nice alliterative quality to that, hm?), and the consensus puts the weight on binaries: I'm not this, thus I am that; I believe this, thus I don't believe that, etc.. I'm not so sure. It seems a poor method for self-discovery. And, I think, part of my problem is that I often don't see sufficient reasons to stick to one opinion or perspective, because all things are always changing. I'm a sucker for a good argument, and frequently stupid enough to be a sucker for circular logic - that's often how the men in my life fuck with my identity, which is why I'm on this quest in the first place. But, hey, didn't I say earlier that opinions don't define identity? Looks like I'm back at square one.
Okay, so let's try this: maybe opinions are a component, but not the entirety of it. What else is there? Are we assuming opinions and belief are synonymous? Let's keep that one simple for now and say yes. I can sort that after I've got an identity (cue hopeful adventurey theme music).
Suppose another element of identity is whatever it is you want to say when people ask you what you are, or for the more boring people, what you do. I always tell people I'm a student and writer. It's the truth in a sparkly gift bag of a lie: I no longer attend school (can't afford it), and the only reason I can call myself a writer is the same reason I can call myself a breather. Nobody has validated that by paying me for writing, and I've never really tried hard to get them to, but if I'm not a writer, neither am I a human. That could get me far in my own personal universe. Here it doesn't mean much to anyone but me.
Maybe I need to start from scratch.
Checklist: I have opposable thumbs. I'm a mammal. I live in an apartment.
I have a healthy disregard for what They say, whoever They are, unless They happen to be pretty and male and trying to convince me that whatever They just did is really not Their fault, because Their mom ->insert compelling tale of woe here<-. In the face of Those tales my resolve goes all wobbly and I cry great, pearly Phoenix tears*.
I have a vague sense of what is right and what is wrong. Hurting is Wrong. Helping is Right. The trouble is being able to tell the difference, and realizing it is possible to be Wrong by allowing the self to be hurt.
Boundaries. I'm solid on the theory but failed my practical.
If identity is formed through boundaries it would explain why I have so much trouble with it. I'm not the sort of person who's likely to say, "I think we disagree on too many seriously important things and are, thus, incompatible." I'm the sort of person who will say, "Interesting. Let's see where this goes." and date you for three years more out of curiosity than love.
I can't always even tell if I'm physically attracted to someone, because the symptoms can be identical to those of a panic attack. Am I falling into your eyes, or experiencing tunnel vision? Is this sexual electricity, or am I just nauseated? Is this the giddiness of infatuation, or is my brain oxygen-deprived? Seriously, these are things you want to sort out before getting into anything with anyone.
All right, this is getting me nowhere and isn't even well-planned. Paintball brain. I warned you. Why don't you tell me how you define identity and give me something to work with. I'd really appreciate any input you may have. Maybe we can triangulate the hell outta this bitch. Thanks.
* Wee Boy and I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets last night and I was squicked out by the Healing Phoenix Eye-Jizz. I mean, come on, didn't anyone else notice?!
How is identity defined? It's complicated, because after much thought I doubt it's defined by personality or opinions or how we dress or collections of stuff or what we think. I'm willing to bet that identity is something we get to choose, but that brings me no closer to what it means. I just know I don't have much of one, whatever it is.
Being me, I decided a good starting point would be the dictionary. Here's what Dictionary.com came up with:
-noun,plural-ties.
1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions:
The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was
the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same one as described.
5. the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes
disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.
6. exact likeness in nature or qualities: an identity of interests.
7. an instance or point of sameness or likeness: to mistake resemblances for identities.
8. Logic. an assertion that two terms refer to the same thing.
9. Mathematics.
a. an equation that is valid for all values of its variables.
b. Also called identity element, unit element, unity. an element in a set such that the
element operating on any other element of the set leaves the second element
unchanged.
c. the property of a function or map such that each element is mapped into itself.
d. the function or map itself.
10. Australian Informal. an interesting, famous, or eccentric resident, usually of long standing in a community.
So, if I'm reading this right, identity is the solid sense of self (nice alliterative quality to that, hm?), and the consensus puts the weight on binaries: I'm not this, thus I am that; I believe this, thus I don't believe that, etc.. I'm not so sure. It seems a poor method for self-discovery. And, I think, part of my problem is that I often don't see sufficient reasons to stick to one opinion or perspective, because all things are always changing. I'm a sucker for a good argument, and frequently stupid enough to be a sucker for circular logic - that's often how the men in my life fuck with my identity, which is why I'm on this quest in the first place. But, hey, didn't I say earlier that opinions don't define identity? Looks like I'm back at square one.
Okay, so let's try this: maybe opinions are a component, but not the entirety of it. What else is there? Are we assuming opinions and belief are synonymous? Let's keep that one simple for now and say yes. I can sort that after I've got an identity (cue hopeful adventurey theme music).
Suppose another element of identity is whatever it is you want to say when people ask you what you are, or for the more boring people, what you do. I always tell people I'm a student and writer. It's the truth in a sparkly gift bag of a lie: I no longer attend school (can't afford it), and the only reason I can call myself a writer is the same reason I can call myself a breather. Nobody has validated that by paying me for writing, and I've never really tried hard to get them to, but if I'm not a writer, neither am I a human. That could get me far in my own personal universe. Here it doesn't mean much to anyone but me.
Maybe I need to start from scratch.
Checklist: I have opposable thumbs. I'm a mammal. I live in an apartment.
I have a healthy disregard for what They say, whoever They are, unless They happen to be pretty and male and trying to convince me that whatever They just did is really not Their fault, because Their mom ->insert compelling tale of woe here<-. In the face of Those tales my resolve goes all wobbly and I cry great, pearly Phoenix tears*.
I have a vague sense of what is right and what is wrong. Hurting is Wrong. Helping is Right. The trouble is being able to tell the difference, and realizing it is possible to be Wrong by allowing the self to be hurt.
Boundaries. I'm solid on the theory but failed my practical.
If identity is formed through boundaries it would explain why I have so much trouble with it. I'm not the sort of person who's likely to say, "I think we disagree on too many seriously important things and are, thus, incompatible." I'm the sort of person who will say, "Interesting. Let's see where this goes." and date you for three years more out of curiosity than love.
I can't always even tell if I'm physically attracted to someone, because the symptoms can be identical to those of a panic attack. Am I falling into your eyes, or experiencing tunnel vision? Is this sexual electricity, or am I just nauseated? Is this the giddiness of infatuation, or is my brain oxygen-deprived? Seriously, these are things you want to sort out before getting into anything with anyone.
All right, this is getting me nowhere and isn't even well-planned. Paintball brain. I warned you. Why don't you tell me how you define identity and give me something to work with. I'd really appreciate any input you may have. Maybe we can triangulate the hell outta this bitch. Thanks.
* Wee Boy and I just finished reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets last night and I was squicked out by the Healing Phoenix Eye-Jizz. I mean, come on, didn't anyone else notice?!