more bell, book, and candle type stuff...
I have to let go. I have to. It hurts, this - don't know why or how, but I suspect he'd been seeing someone for some time behind my back before we split. Why do I care? I mean, yes, he's been mean and cowardly, and things I've learned make me wonder how I ever loved him at all, so why do I care now?
Maybe because it could mean I'm even a worse judge of character than I thought and there's no hope for future-me tracking down a guy who isn't always lying his head clean off. No sweet, left-leaning nerd with a face like Joseph Fiennes' is going to edge into my life and quietly and lovingly look under all the decades of masks I've been layering on what passes for a face and not recoil.
Why am I storing his stuff for him, again?
And why did I throw away another three years of my life?
I just want to hallucinate my way into a reality in which I'm happy. That or sit in my apartment watching Dr. Who episodes for the rest of my life. I get it, God, all right?! I screwed up! We all know I did. I've got regrets. I've made choices I can never take back. But why am I still being punished after thirteen years? Was it all the broken mirrors? I'M SORRY, OKAY?!
No, I know I can't blame Her for this. I hope.
I'm scared. I can barely breathe. I can't concentrate.
Listen, Wee Boy started sobbing randomly Saturday night after throwing a toy at his friend, just sobbing. Huge, heartbreaking throat-rending sobs, saying "I want Dan to come back right now! I miss Dan..." and I couldn't help him. His tiny body tried to rip itself in two in my arms. He was shaking so hard and I couldn't do anything but cry too. It was the worst time of my life.
I'm dying.
What am I supposed to do?
Maybe because it could mean I'm even a worse judge of character than I thought and there's no hope for future-me tracking down a guy who isn't always lying his head clean off. No sweet, left-leaning nerd with a face like Joseph Fiennes' is going to edge into my life and quietly and lovingly look under all the decades of masks I've been layering on what passes for a face and not recoil.
Why am I storing his stuff for him, again?
And why did I throw away another three years of my life?
I just want to hallucinate my way into a reality in which I'm happy. That or sit in my apartment watching Dr. Who episodes for the rest of my life. I get it, God, all right?! I screwed up! We all know I did. I've got regrets. I've made choices I can never take back. But why am I still being punished after thirteen years? Was it all the broken mirrors? I'M SORRY, OKAY?!
No, I know I can't blame Her for this. I hope.
I'm scared. I can barely breathe. I can't concentrate.
Listen, Wee Boy started sobbing randomly Saturday night after throwing a toy at his friend, just sobbing. Huge, heartbreaking throat-rending sobs, saying "I want Dan to come back right now! I miss Dan..." and I couldn't help him. His tiny body tried to rip itself in two in my arms. He was shaking so hard and I couldn't do anything but cry too. It was the worst time of my life.
I'm dying.
What am I supposed to do?