Don't be like that...
One of the main reasons I stopped posting here so often is because my life got into this kind of routine where the things i would write about in here didn't change much from day to day. I also ended up with a f-list that was big enough and in a lot of cases encompassed people involved in what i was writing about, that i had to become SO cryptic in what I wrote that it didn't even make sense to me. (I don't really filter my posts... I figure what's the point of LJ if you filter...)
I think also I grew up a bit... I used to post in here because it was unique (at the time) and it felt like I could finally do what I wanted all those years waking up in the morning as a kid and feeling like i was buzzing... I could finally shout at the world and have the world hear it.
I'm pretty sure thats why blogs, myspaces, facebooks, and twitter are so popular... At the end of the day, everyone just wants to shout something out and have it heard by as many people as possible.
I think that's pretty much an illusion since, really, like maybe 10 people on lj actually read this...
Still... there's almost a ritual to this now. I only pull it out in the moments when I really feel like putting those contemplations that so overtake my headspace down in writing. And even then only when I feel that way and it's also convenient for me to do. But it does what I need it to to... It gives me a feeling of some kind of empowerment... Illusory or otherwise...
At the end of the day, I often write things here that i want that one person to read. Even if that person isn't part of my life anymore... Of course the rational part of my brain knows that Alison or Joanna or whoever else i've written to in the years past, wont see it.. It doesn't matter. It's just putting it out and knowing that they might...
I feel old. Not aged... just old... 10 years ago when I started this journal, I was in a completely different world...
And yet in a lot of ways i'm still the same person.
It's time for a change again. But I think the risks are greater now. Emotionally, financially... I wonder about my choices and which ones are right and which ones are questionable... And sometimes I think my most questionable choices are the most right. Even when, like a little wing, they may not work out they way I wish they would...
So maybe a big change isn't such a bad choice. Or maybe, at this point, it's not a choice...
I think also I grew up a bit... I used to post in here because it was unique (at the time) and it felt like I could finally do what I wanted all those years waking up in the morning as a kid and feeling like i was buzzing... I could finally shout at the world and have the world hear it.
I'm pretty sure thats why blogs, myspaces, facebooks, and twitter are so popular... At the end of the day, everyone just wants to shout something out and have it heard by as many people as possible.
I think that's pretty much an illusion since, really, like maybe 10 people on lj actually read this...
Still... there's almost a ritual to this now. I only pull it out in the moments when I really feel like putting those contemplations that so overtake my headspace down in writing. And even then only when I feel that way and it's also convenient for me to do. But it does what I need it to to... It gives me a feeling of some kind of empowerment... Illusory or otherwise...
At the end of the day, I often write things here that i want that one person to read. Even if that person isn't part of my life anymore... Of course the rational part of my brain knows that Alison or Joanna or whoever else i've written to in the years past, wont see it.. It doesn't matter. It's just putting it out and knowing that they might...
I feel old. Not aged... just old... 10 years ago when I started this journal, I was in a completely different world...
And yet in a lot of ways i'm still the same person.
It's time for a change again. But I think the risks are greater now. Emotionally, financially... I wonder about my choices and which ones are right and which ones are questionable... And sometimes I think my most questionable choices are the most right. Even when, like a little wing, they may not work out they way I wish they would...
So maybe a big change isn't such a bad choice. Or maybe, at this point, it's not a choice...