If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh or two...
The wind is whistling and making the house creak in that very specific way that makes it feel more solid for that fact.
I'm setting a bit of a running theme with these Christmas eve posts lately. Namely one of confusion and lack of spirit. It does feel strange, even more this year, that as home and family become more important to me and my sense of self, Christmas seems to hit me less and less.
And yet last night I drove for 3 hours in the worst snow I've ever driven in (probably risking my life in the process) because I wanted so much to get out of the city and back home.
I'm lost and scattered and I don't feel grounded anymore. In my first Christmas post I had a very clear idea of what I felt and what my wish was for the holiday (even though I knew it was impossible). Now I'm not even sure I know what I feel, my life and relationships aren't so clear as they were then.
That was a long time ago, though perhaps not so long. I was so much different then, but perhaps not so much as I feel.
But tonight these walls are the same. The view from the window is the same. I'm in the same space, looking at the same things, listening to the same music. Breathing the same air.
Perhaps tonight that's all I need. To push out memories of the past and the worries of the future and just exist in this space and this time.
Merry Christmas to all of those who celebrate it, and may it bring you joy and love, now and for the rest of the year. Thank you all for being a part of my life.