melting down.

[gratefuladdict]

It was a good trip, one of so many. Just you and me, zigzagging down the aisles, cartoonish sound effects for every hairpin turn or sudden reversal. You had just started saying hi to strangers, early and often and without prompting. You even stopped in the crosswalk on the way into the store to wave and say hi to the driver who was patiently

Comments

[uselesstinrelic]

The way you wrote this was really great. I don't personally have any intimate experience with someone who has autism and so I couldn't really picture what it might be like besides to just know that it's complicated. I think you did a fantastic job of expressing your personal complexity, as well as your love. Parenting is very challenging, communicating with such young kids is challenging, and then you have an extra barrier to communication that can't be easy.

It actually made me feel extra compassion for my friend-- he's more than just a friend, really. Kind of more like a domestic partnership. I've become effected by an acquired condition that effects my moods and ability to communicate. I never thought of him as especially patient, but when it takes me multiple tries to form words, when I forget words or forget I was speaking, when my hormonal levels pitch and dive and I do things like literally hold my breath because if I let any sound out of my mouth it'll be nothing but yelling, he's just so patient. I'm trying so hard to control myself and it makes me realise how much he's controlling HIMSELF to stay calm for me. I often find I'm trying to communicate and having problems and he'll take something out of my hand. He'll remember I tend to just throw things before I know what I'm doing when I don't remember that at the moment at all until I've already thrown it! I think... damn, that guy is really holding me down while I'm going through my moment and I'm so grateful that he can be so loving when I worry I'm being such a pain in the ass.

So I say that not to try to hijack your piece about your child and make it about me or something, but to say that I think there will probably come a time when your child isn't so young that he'll be able to tell you how awesome you are for being there and loving him. While I can't speak for everyone who has mood swings for whatever reason, I know I personally sometimes hate that I have trouble controlling myself. Sometimes I understand it's just part of the deal, other times I'm resentful of it. But then there's this great person in my life who just loves me anyway and I'm like... wow. That means everything. And that's clearly who you are for your kid. I think you're really special. <3

[gratefuladdict]

Thank you for this. :) I'm glad you have that person who accepts and grounds you. :)