rich text
It's hard to describe really how i feel right now. Last night i wasnt feeling that well, so i stayed in and slept. Not a great sleep, but a sleep none the less. This morning i awoke to go to a therapist, or whatever they are called. For some reason i felt a little emotional during my "session". But i refused to let anything show. As usual, my mother and I argued over school and then somehow it turned into me wasting my time with friends, (even though I don't because i only spend my time with reece, which is why my friends are mad at me) and she brought up toronto people. Wasted the day doing shitty erans with my mother, of course i had no choice and was grumpy (not exactly strong enough word) because i hadnt had a shower or put makeup on. Came home, watched movies, for a long time, came downstairs intending to clean my room, instead went on msn. Talked to some people, and realized how much i miss toronto. How much I miss so many people. How much i hate it here. How much i hate myself.
I want to cry, but i cant, nothing comes out. I feel hurt, but i cant let it go. I want to go home. I hate how people are two faced, how one minute they are your friends, and you go out and party and then the next minute your too much of a loser for them to waste their time with you. I hate how i became that. I got so carried away with reece, and spending time with him that i let everyone else go. I feel useless. I realized that everyone i know in the city is just that now, people i know. Its not because we dont want to stay friends, its that we cant. No one has time to call me, or come down to see me when ever they miss me, nor do i. I dont have the money either. All i can do is move on. And maybe someday if there is such a thing as fate or destiny, i can hope that they will cross my path and rekindle some sort of a friendship. But im not keeping my hopes up. I have to learn that life is about one person. Everyone is living their own life, and i should too. I may not be very optimistic and i might even be pessimistic, but in the end im not trying to commit suicide or even be depressed, im just trying to be independant. And not so dependant on fairytale stories, like love and forever. The only fairytale i can have is in my dreams.