(no subject)
I am currently cleaning out my fridge. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOO disgusting. Anyone who knows how well I am able to keep up with my household chores knows what I feat this is for me. I love cleaning though, and I love knowing that when it is done, it's done. And it will look NICE!
It has been an odd couple of days for me since I last posted. Lots of little things keep happening that just seem weird. First, Blaine and I are getting along quite well and able to talk without getting overly emotional. We have been discussing a lot of things that will be important to tackle later on, and even some that we just can't see eye to eye on. A good example of something we agree on would be who gets what furniture and electronics. He is giving me the computer, and I am leaving him our precious pillow-top king-sized bed. I am taking the green couches and he is going to put a pool table in the empty space where one of the couch sets will be missing. :-) It's nice that he is planning things like this because it helps me to feel a little more sane about everything that is going on.
The thing we can't agree on is the 50-50 custody and support. I can't be stuck with nothing here. I am not prepared to support my children completely by myself, and I am anxious over what will happen. I know that I can support us if I have to, but it would mean taking drastic measures and working full time. If that happens, the girls will have to go into daycare and (as I told Blaine) I don't think that is in their best interests. The way I put it to him is that if they go into daycare, he is still going to have to pay someone to take care of his kids and the care provider won't love them the way I do. They will be treated like a job. No one is going to love them and give them the attention and support that I will. It is in their best interests that I stay home with them. And if he wasn't being so pig-headed, I think that he would see that them being with their mother while he is working is the best possible scenario. I don't think that the schedule would be much different than the one we have now. In the end, nothing got figured out because we ended up back in the same conversation about how frustrated he is that I want to "ride the gravy train." He hates the idea of me sitting there and "collecting a paycheck" from him. He went on about how he has worked so hard, yadda yadda yadda. I ended up arguing that with my job, there is not usually any free time. I am working here constantly with little time for myself. He often acts like he is the only one doing anything to support us. And I understand how he can feel this way sometimes, but he is giving me absolutely no credit for anything that I have done in this marriage. Everything that has been paid for - including the house - he takes credit for.
We also talked about dating other people today - mostly for him. He brought up that there have been two separate people he has spoken to about possibly going out on a date. This does not bother me, and I ended up joking with him about it. I don't know if he is annoyed that I am not bothered, and I even wonder if he brought it up to see my reaction to the news. And last night he wanted to have sex, but I just feel like it will confuse the situation and make things harder than they already are.
I am going to the courthouse tomorrow to file papers. It needs to be done, and there is no point in waiting. I am tired of wondering what is going to happen.
Oh - on a happy note, I bought my ticket today for the Snow Patrol concert in SF on March 1st. So stoked! And Ok Go is playing with them, so I am excited to see the show.
It has been an odd couple of days for me since I last posted. Lots of little things keep happening that just seem weird. First, Blaine and I are getting along quite well and able to talk without getting overly emotional. We have been discussing a lot of things that will be important to tackle later on, and even some that we just can't see eye to eye on. A good example of something we agree on would be who gets what furniture and electronics. He is giving me the computer, and I am leaving him our precious pillow-top king-sized bed. I am taking the green couches and he is going to put a pool table in the empty space where one of the couch sets will be missing. :-) It's nice that he is planning things like this because it helps me to feel a little more sane about everything that is going on.
The thing we can't agree on is the 50-50 custody and support. I can't be stuck with nothing here. I am not prepared to support my children completely by myself, and I am anxious over what will happen. I know that I can support us if I have to, but it would mean taking drastic measures and working full time. If that happens, the girls will have to go into daycare and (as I told Blaine) I don't think that is in their best interests. The way I put it to him is that if they go into daycare, he is still going to have to pay someone to take care of his kids and the care provider won't love them the way I do. They will be treated like a job. No one is going to love them and give them the attention and support that I will. It is in their best interests that I stay home with them. And if he wasn't being so pig-headed, I think that he would see that them being with their mother while he is working is the best possible scenario. I don't think that the schedule would be much different than the one we have now. In the end, nothing got figured out because we ended up back in the same conversation about how frustrated he is that I want to "ride the gravy train." He hates the idea of me sitting there and "collecting a paycheck" from him. He went on about how he has worked so hard, yadda yadda yadda. I ended up arguing that with my job, there is not usually any free time. I am working here constantly with little time for myself. He often acts like he is the only one doing anything to support us. And I understand how he can feel this way sometimes, but he is giving me absolutely no credit for anything that I have done in this marriage. Everything that has been paid for - including the house - he takes credit for.
We also talked about dating other people today - mostly for him. He brought up that there have been two separate people he has spoken to about possibly going out on a date. This does not bother me, and I ended up joking with him about it. I don't know if he is annoyed that I am not bothered, and I even wonder if he brought it up to see my reaction to the news. And last night he wanted to have sex, but I just feel like it will confuse the situation and make things harder than they already are.
I am going to the courthouse tomorrow to file papers. It needs to be done, and there is no point in waiting. I am tired of wondering what is going to happen.
Oh - on a happy note, I bought my ticket today for the Snow Patrol concert in SF on March 1st. So stoked! And Ok Go is playing with them, so I am excited to see the show.