(no subject)
Yeah, it's been a while but I really don't plan on updating that much anymore, due to the lack of life that I lead nowadays. Sorry this is gonna be one of "those" entries. WARNING: It's kinda long and sad, Sorry, but I really needed to vent.
I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. It's not just been this past week or so, it's just been life in general. I really don't know why. I'm not really up for going out that much anymore, and the "anti-social" part of me has been out too much. I don't want it to be like this, but I really can't help it. I think it's a combination of school and where my life is going at this point. I feel like I'm so concerned about my future and where I'm going in the next few years that it prevents me from going out and just having a good time.
For example, tonight, I didn't go out because I was punishing myself because I got a C on my test that I studied forever for. I feel like I study so much for all my classes and I still end up getting crappy grades on my tests. Why? I'm 21, I should be out having a good time and going to bars and getting drunk and doing stupid stuff, but I don't. Instead, I sit in and do nothing. Am I really that stupid that I can't learn anything and regurgetate it back on tests? That's what I've been thinking lately. I feel as if I try and I try and I try and I get nothing in return. It's really starting to irritate me and make me feel like I'm not good enough. I've never really felt like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like everyone else around me is succeeding in what they're doing and I'm not. Like I'm standing still in a sandpit sinking while the rest of the world is on cloud nine. It really hurts, and it really makes me feel like crap and I'm worthless. Another example is my roommate. He will study for literally an hour or less for tests that he has and he says"I know everything on it", and he comes back and says "I aced it and I'm great," which is good and all, but when I get my tests back and they suck, and I know I've been at the library for the past two days studying my butt off, it really really pisses me off. I don't know what I can do about it to make it better or easier on myself. I mean, my roommate doesn't take hard classes by any means (art, history, music) so I guess they shouldn't be hard, but it just really gets to me when he has A's in every class, and he goes out almost every weekend, gets completely trashed, and is fine with his classes. I really hate people like that. I've encountered them in high school and I guess I just can't get away from them here in college. I feel like life is so much harder for me then anyone else, and I'm sorry to people who do have it worse then me because I know they are out there, but that's just how my life's been going lately. It really sucks, and I don't really know what to do about it.
Also, I feel as if I'm so focused on getting a job in the summer, and hoping that I get my internship this summer. I really hope that people accept me. I mean, I got accepted into the Attorney General's office but it was non paid and I need an income so I had to decline that position, and I'm waiting to hear from the Delaware County Courthouse, but if I don't get in there, I'm gonna feel like shit. I'm also looking into security interns at Hersheypark, and the Montgomery County Adult Parole and Probation position. I was at the job fair this week, and got lots of information, which is good, but I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I don't know anymore, I really don't. What do I need? Well, I know I need a girlfriend but that won't happen anytime soon. :( UGHHHHH. I'm so frusturated so I'm just gonna stop writing and get some sleep.
I'm sorry for this long boring entry about my sucky life, but it's been inside for too long and I needed to let it out and vent. And it sucks that this is the most recent entry here, being depressing and all, but I just needed to let it out of my system, and even though there's a lot of stuff still inside that I don't know how to put into words, I feel somewhat better letting it out on this thing I call a "journal." Thanks for reading and listening to me, and if you read it all, good for you! I appreciate it.
I don't know what's been wrong with me lately. It's not just been this past week or so, it's just been life in general. I really don't know why. I'm not really up for going out that much anymore, and the "anti-social" part of me has been out too much. I don't want it to be like this, but I really can't help it. I think it's a combination of school and where my life is going at this point. I feel like I'm so concerned about my future and where I'm going in the next few years that it prevents me from going out and just having a good time.
For example, tonight, I didn't go out because I was punishing myself because I got a C on my test that I studied forever for. I feel like I study so much for all my classes and I still end up getting crappy grades on my tests. Why? I'm 21, I should be out having a good time and going to bars and getting drunk and doing stupid stuff, but I don't. Instead, I sit in and do nothing. Am I really that stupid that I can't learn anything and regurgetate it back on tests? That's what I've been thinking lately. I feel as if I try and I try and I try and I get nothing in return. It's really starting to irritate me and make me feel like I'm not good enough. I've never really felt like this before, and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like everyone else around me is succeeding in what they're doing and I'm not. Like I'm standing still in a sandpit sinking while the rest of the world is on cloud nine. It really hurts, and it really makes me feel like crap and I'm worthless. Another example is my roommate. He will study for literally an hour or less for tests that he has and he says"I know everything on it", and he comes back and says "I aced it and I'm great," which is good and all, but when I get my tests back and they suck, and I know I've been at the library for the past two days studying my butt off, it really really pisses me off. I don't know what I can do about it to make it better or easier on myself. I mean, my roommate doesn't take hard classes by any means (art, history, music) so I guess they shouldn't be hard, but it just really gets to me when he has A's in every class, and he goes out almost every weekend, gets completely trashed, and is fine with his classes. I really hate people like that. I've encountered them in high school and I guess I just can't get away from them here in college. I feel like life is so much harder for me then anyone else, and I'm sorry to people who do have it worse then me because I know they are out there, but that's just how my life's been going lately. It really sucks, and I don't really know what to do about it.
Also, I feel as if I'm so focused on getting a job in the summer, and hoping that I get my internship this summer. I really hope that people accept me. I mean, I got accepted into the Attorney General's office but it was non paid and I need an income so I had to decline that position, and I'm waiting to hear from the Delaware County Courthouse, but if I don't get in there, I'm gonna feel like shit. I'm also looking into security interns at Hersheypark, and the Montgomery County Adult Parole and Probation position. I was at the job fair this week, and got lots of information, which is good, but I just feel like I'm not doing enough. I don't know anymore, I really don't. What do I need? Well, I know I need a girlfriend but that won't happen anytime soon. :( UGHHHHH. I'm so frusturated so I'm just gonna stop writing and get some sleep.
I'm sorry for this long boring entry about my sucky life, but it's been inside for too long and I needed to let it out and vent. And it sucks that this is the most recent entry here, being depressing and all, but I just needed to let it out of my system, and even though there's a lot of stuff still inside that I don't know how to put into words, I feel somewhat better letting it out on this thing I call a "journal." Thanks for reading and listening to me, and if you read it all, good for you! I appreciate it.