I've only cried tonight.
just so you know, the following is a post on my dad...and the whole situation that was written by my mom. this is to catch all of you up, so you know why I'm sad. if you've even noticed at all! haha
Liquid Death
I'm not sure how much I've blogged about my first ex-husband, Lon. I suppose I could browse though some prior entries to see...but I'd rather not take the time.
Lon and I were married in December, 1982. I was 5 months pregnant with Jannah at the time. We were living in North Pole, Alaska, just outside Fairbanks. We were dirt poor, 20 years old, living in a one-room shack in the woods. We had been together for about a year before we married...a very tumultuous, violent year. I did not want to marry him... my parents had to push me to do it. It was almost literally a "shotgun wedding", only there was no real ceremony. Since my parents lived in Anchorage, over 300 miles away, it was easy to hide what was happening within our 4 walls. And I was too proud to tell them. I didn't want them to know how bad I had messed up. So I got married, hoping that being a husband and father would change Lon.
It didn't.
Jannah has some sad memories of her father. It's difficult to know if Jacob has those memories, due to his autism. But Lon always had a serious drinking problem, and was definitely not a "happy drunk"...he was a very mean drunk. He didn't physically abuse his kids, but would say and do hurtful things, especially after he and I divorced in 1989. He would drink when he'd have them overnight during his visitations. It got to a point where I would have to cancel visits, since I could tell he'd already been drinking when I'd go to drop them off at his place. Jannah would sit in the car and cry, holding her little overnight bag and her stuffed bear, as we backed out and headed back home . She loved her dad and had very little time with him, so she would get upset with me and wanted to stay. As she got older, around 9-10 years old, she began to understand... and she didn't like to be around him when he was drunk. So many times he had promised her he would quit. After several DWI's and several months in jail, he still wasn't changing his ways. More lying, more empty promises, more drinking. Years of counseling during our marriage hadn't helped. His alcoholic father's death from liver cancer in 1990 didn't wake him up. He had lost so many good jobs over the years, wrecked cars, damaged property, alienated himself from family and friends. Most of all, he lost out on a relationship with his kids. All for his love of alcohol.
It wasn't a surprise a month ago when we learned that Lon has cirrhosis of the liver. He hadn't called in over 2 weeks, so I was beginning to worry, since I knew he was drinking heavily. He was drunk almost every time he had called me to "check in" over the past several months...sometimes even sloshed early in the morning. He had just started a new job, as an auto mechanic at a dealership. I got a call from his shop manager at work on a Monday afternoon, early last month...Lon had given my phone number as a message number, since he has no phone. Lon had called in sick on the previous Friday, but then didn't call or come in on Monday. When Lon finally got around to calling, he told me he had gone into the hospital over the weekend and they told him his blood was too thin. They drew some blood to run tests. When he got the test results back, he was told he had to stop drinking, or his liver would fail. There is no reversing the scarring affect of the cirrhosis...eventually, if the drinking continues, his liver would be unable to filter out toxins and other organs would be damaged. At that point, a liver transplant is the only option to survive. Lon seemed scared into quitting...finally.
Naturally, Jannah was very upset to find out about her father's failing health. She spent $70 of her own money on herbal remedies to help cleanse his liver and decrease his alcohol cravings. For about 2 weeks, Lon called everyday. I encouraged him to stay sober, reminded him of the consequences if he didn't, and told him to call me any time he felt like drinking, so I could talk him out of it. He started feeling better, even called Jannah more frequently, making plans to get together for lunch. Jannah was so happy he was sober and felt like she might finally have the relationship with him that she always wanted. But their lunch date kept getting cancelled, so they decided to meet for dinner over the weekend instead. Two weekends ago, Jannah cancelled plans with friends to be with him. But he never called. The whole weekend went by without a word from him. On Monday, Jannah was so upset that she put herself on an herbal anti-depressant. He was letting her down again....same as always. He finally called me last Wednesday, very sick. He fell off the wagon, spent his entire weekend getting drunk. He was in horrible pain, paying for it even 3 days after he'd had his last drink. He wanted to tell Jannah himself...but I couldn't allow that. It would be much better if the news came from me...plus, I wanted her to be able to prepare for when he called to speak with her. The call came Wednesday night. Jannah made me so proud...she kept her cool, but didn't hold back her feelings. She was angry, disappointed, and told him she was sick of him letting her down all her life. She had heard enough lies. And she didn't want to speak with him until he could stay sober.
Lon missed all of last week's work, due to being sick from his weekend drinking binge. On Thursday, he called me, crying and screaming in pain. He wouldn't go to the hospital, wouldn't get help. Friday he started to feel a little better. He called to say he was no longer going to lie to anyone about his problem. He called all his brothers and sisters and told them how sick he is. He wanted to borrow my juicer, so he could make his own carrot juice and get on a healthier diet. He came over on Sunday to pick up the juicer and we had a long talk. He knows I've always been the first person to help him out.... I've loaned him several hundred dollars over the past few years (none of which has been paid back), put gas in his truck so he could drive to Fairbanks for his mother's funeral last November, paid $200 to have his dog put down and cremated when he got cancer of the brain, gave him food, toilet paper, candles when he couldn't afford to keep his electricity on. But I am also the first one to chew his ass when he's being stupid. He expects that. So he got a good ass-chewing on Sunday... especially for what he did to Jannah.
He called the next day, which was Monday, 2 days ago. He had just been fired from his new job. No surprise. Lon called again Monday afternoon and I could tell he'd been drinking. He denied it, but I was sure of it. I told him he was supposed to call me before he started drinking, not after. I told him he was too weak to stop on his own and better get in a program, go to AA meetings...something. I refused to talk to him any further, and hung up. He called again yesterday at about noon... drunk. I gave him another earful, but I don't think it will matter. He won't stop. He tried calling 2 more times, but I didn't answer when I saw it was him on my caller ID. I can only do so much to help.... He has to make a sincere move to help himself now before I will offer my support. It's too hard on me, too hard on Jannah, and we're tired of him making excuses and lying.
Yesterday, when Jannah came home from work, I called her up to my room to talk. I wanted her to know that her dad is drinking again. I told her I know the next calls I get from him will be horrible.... crying and screaming in pain, begging me to help him. I will offer to drive him to the hospital, but what else can I do?? I also felt like I had better start preparing Jannah for the inevitable....he will die soon. I honestly don't think he'll see his 44th birthday in January. Jannah broke down and cried... she doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. It's so unfair... she's been through so much in her life, now this. I know she will be devastated when he's gone. And I worry she will feel guilty for standing her ground and insisting he sober up or stay out of her life.
There's no way I can prepare for his call today. I know if I were in his position, I would choose to live. I have tried to convince Lon that for him alcohol is "liquid death".
He will lose this battle if he doesn't face facts
and stop drinking his life away.
Liquid Death
I'm not sure how much I've blogged about my first ex-husband, Lon. I suppose I could browse though some prior entries to see...but I'd rather not take the time.
Lon and I were married in December, 1982. I was 5 months pregnant with Jannah at the time. We were living in North Pole, Alaska, just outside Fairbanks. We were dirt poor, 20 years old, living in a one-room shack in the woods. We had been together for about a year before we married...a very tumultuous, violent year. I did not want to marry him... my parents had to push me to do it. It was almost literally a "shotgun wedding", only there was no real ceremony. Since my parents lived in Anchorage, over 300 miles away, it was easy to hide what was happening within our 4 walls. And I was too proud to tell them. I didn't want them to know how bad I had messed up. So I got married, hoping that being a husband and father would change Lon.
It didn't.
Jannah has some sad memories of her father. It's difficult to know if Jacob has those memories, due to his autism. But Lon always had a serious drinking problem, and was definitely not a "happy drunk"...he was a very mean drunk. He didn't physically abuse his kids, but would say and do hurtful things, especially after he and I divorced in 1989. He would drink when he'd have them overnight during his visitations. It got to a point where I would have to cancel visits, since I could tell he'd already been drinking when I'd go to drop them off at his place. Jannah would sit in the car and cry, holding her little overnight bag and her stuffed bear, as we backed out and headed back home . She loved her dad and had very little time with him, so she would get upset with me and wanted to stay. As she got older, around 9-10 years old, she began to understand... and she didn't like to be around him when he was drunk. So many times he had promised her he would quit. After several DWI's and several months in jail, he still wasn't changing his ways. More lying, more empty promises, more drinking. Years of counseling during our marriage hadn't helped. His alcoholic father's death from liver cancer in 1990 didn't wake him up. He had lost so many good jobs over the years, wrecked cars, damaged property, alienated himself from family and friends. Most of all, he lost out on a relationship with his kids. All for his love of alcohol.
It wasn't a surprise a month ago when we learned that Lon has cirrhosis of the liver. He hadn't called in over 2 weeks, so I was beginning to worry, since I knew he was drinking heavily. He was drunk almost every time he had called me to "check in" over the past several months...sometimes even sloshed early in the morning. He had just started a new job, as an auto mechanic at a dealership. I got a call from his shop manager at work on a Monday afternoon, early last month...Lon had given my phone number as a message number, since he has no phone. Lon had called in sick on the previous Friday, but then didn't call or come in on Monday. When Lon finally got around to calling, he told me he had gone into the hospital over the weekend and they told him his blood was too thin. They drew some blood to run tests. When he got the test results back, he was told he had to stop drinking, or his liver would fail. There is no reversing the scarring affect of the cirrhosis...eventually, if the drinking continues, his liver would be unable to filter out toxins and other organs would be damaged. At that point, a liver transplant is the only option to survive. Lon seemed scared into quitting...finally.
Naturally, Jannah was very upset to find out about her father's failing health. She spent $70 of her own money on herbal remedies to help cleanse his liver and decrease his alcohol cravings. For about 2 weeks, Lon called everyday. I encouraged him to stay sober, reminded him of the consequences if he didn't, and told him to call me any time he felt like drinking, so I could talk him out of it. He started feeling better, even called Jannah more frequently, making plans to get together for lunch. Jannah was so happy he was sober and felt like she might finally have the relationship with him that she always wanted. But their lunch date kept getting cancelled, so they decided to meet for dinner over the weekend instead. Two weekends ago, Jannah cancelled plans with friends to be with him. But he never called. The whole weekend went by without a word from him. On Monday, Jannah was so upset that she put herself on an herbal anti-depressant. He was letting her down again....same as always. He finally called me last Wednesday, very sick. He fell off the wagon, spent his entire weekend getting drunk. He was in horrible pain, paying for it even 3 days after he'd had his last drink. He wanted to tell Jannah himself...but I couldn't allow that. It would be much better if the news came from me...plus, I wanted her to be able to prepare for when he called to speak with her. The call came Wednesday night. Jannah made me so proud...she kept her cool, but didn't hold back her feelings. She was angry, disappointed, and told him she was sick of him letting her down all her life. She had heard enough lies. And she didn't want to speak with him until he could stay sober.
Lon missed all of last week's work, due to being sick from his weekend drinking binge. On Thursday, he called me, crying and screaming in pain. He wouldn't go to the hospital, wouldn't get help. Friday he started to feel a little better. He called to say he was no longer going to lie to anyone about his problem. He called all his brothers and sisters and told them how sick he is. He wanted to borrow my juicer, so he could make his own carrot juice and get on a healthier diet. He came over on Sunday to pick up the juicer and we had a long talk. He knows I've always been the first person to help him out.... I've loaned him several hundred dollars over the past few years (none of which has been paid back), put gas in his truck so he could drive to Fairbanks for his mother's funeral last November, paid $200 to have his dog put down and cremated when he got cancer of the brain, gave him food, toilet paper, candles when he couldn't afford to keep his electricity on. But I am also the first one to chew his ass when he's being stupid. He expects that. So he got a good ass-chewing on Sunday... especially for what he did to Jannah.
He called the next day, which was Monday, 2 days ago. He had just been fired from his new job. No surprise. Lon called again Monday afternoon and I could tell he'd been drinking. He denied it, but I was sure of it. I told him he was supposed to call me before he started drinking, not after. I told him he was too weak to stop on his own and better get in a program, go to AA meetings...something. I refused to talk to him any further, and hung up. He called again yesterday at about noon... drunk. I gave him another earful, but I don't think it will matter. He won't stop. He tried calling 2 more times, but I didn't answer when I saw it was him on my caller ID. I can only do so much to help.... He has to make a sincere move to help himself now before I will offer my support. It's too hard on me, too hard on Jannah, and we're tired of him making excuses and lying.
Yesterday, when Jannah came home from work, I called her up to my room to talk. I wanted her to know that her dad is drinking again. I told her I know the next calls I get from him will be horrible.... crying and screaming in pain, begging me to help him. I will offer to drive him to the hospital, but what else can I do?? I also felt like I had better start preparing Jannah for the inevitable....he will die soon. I honestly don't think he'll see his 44th birthday in January. Jannah broke down and cried... she doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. It's so unfair... she's been through so much in her life, now this. I know she will be devastated when he's gone. And I worry she will feel guilty for standing her ground and insisting he sober up or stay out of her life.
There's no way I can prepare for his call today. I know if I were in his position, I would choose to live. I have tried to convince Lon that for him alcohol is "liquid death".
He will lose this battle if he doesn't face facts
and stop drinking his life away.