Wedding Night Hassles
Title: Wedding Night Hassles
Team: Death Eaters in mood for witty banter
Challenge: wedding night, dialogue only
Rating: PG-13
Words: 100x9
Characters: Hermione and Severus
Disclaimer: Not mine
A/N: Something to balance all the angsty stuff with. Yin ´n´ Yang, ya´know…
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Miss Granger…”
”Madame Snape.”
”Pardon?”
”Madame Snape. It´s ´Madame Snape´ now.”
”Don´t be ridiculous! We´re stuck in this sham of a marriage because the Ministry fools have nothing better to do with their time than to interfere with the perfectly orderly lives of decent people…”
”Imprisoned by the infamous Marriage Law! That doesn´t change the fact that I´m Madame Snape now.”
”Impertinent girl! And to think that I was actually going to try to make you feel more comfortable, what with this being our wedding night. I trust you do realise what´s expected of you on the wedding night…Madame Snape?!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Yes, well…It´s not like…I suppose it can´t be all that difficult…”
”Really? Well, then, by all means, proceed!”
”Hrmpf! Whatever you say, husband! Should I just undress and spread on the bed?”
”Well I´ve never…!”
”No wait, it´s actually up to the male party to initiate the…activities, isn´t it? So I think maybe you should undress me…”
”I wouldn´t touch you if my life depended on it!”
”Oh, come now, wedding night expectations and so on. Remember? Maybe we could start with a kiss?”
”A kiss?”
”Yes, one of them mouth-to-mouth thingies. Like this.”
”Get off me, you ogre…Oh, mmm…”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Mmmm…oh…That was…rather lovely, actually. I´ve never kissed a man before.”
”That was horrible, you deluded witch! Wait a minute, what do you mean by `never kissed a man before`?”
”I just haven´t. The only person I´ve ever kissed is Lavender, and that was just us experimenting for fun.”
”You´ve kissed miss Brown?”
”Yes.”
”Gods! By all means elaborate! I´m thinking maybe we might get through this night according to standard procedure after all.”
”You´re turned on by the thought of me kissing Lavender Brown???”
”Well, that girl has got the most magnificent pair of tits…”
”You´ve been ogling her tits?!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Hard not to notice something so protruding.”
”Merlin! Being married to a creepy Slytherin will be the death of me!”
”I hardly think acting like a red-blooded male defines me as creepy…”
”Ogling students is most definitely creepy!”
”Not ogling. Marrying.”
”Why, you smug bastard…”
”Language, Madame Snape!”
”Kiss my arse, Severus!”
”Touché, Hermione. And I just might do that.”
”Later. Let´s practice some more kissing first. I´ve been told I´m horrible at it.”
”You´ve got to stop attacking me…mmm…I don´t care for dominant women…mmm…You´re improving though, I´ll give you that.”
”Improving? We´ll keep practicing until I get an Outstanding.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Outstanding, ha! Don´t delude yourself!…mmm…”
”Are you…bulging…Severus?”
”That would be the normal reaction to this kind of activity, so yes.”
”Gods, that´s uncomfortable. And rather rude of you, I might add, I´m actually sitting ontop of it, you know.”
”More amicable women would consider it a compliment and respond accordingly.”
”Respond accordingly?”
”Well, I am, as you put it, bulging. And under all of those hideous robes, you are, I trust, hollow. You do the math.”
”These are my wedding robes, you git! Merlin! Tell me…just tell me in what twisted universe such a remark would earn you a shag!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Come now, my dear! Don´t get your knickers in a twist. I thought we were getting along rather well?”
”I can´t hear what you´re saying over the sound of my horrible hideousness.”
”Well, if you´re going to be like that…”
”Pay me a compliment!”
”What?”
”Say something nice!”
”???”
”I´m your wife! You should be able to say something nice about me!”
”I´m sorry, have we met? Severus Snape - dreaded potions master with evil tongue extraordinaire, notoriously mean and proud holder of the broke-the-most-students-record.”
”That´s it. I´m leaving, I tried!”
”Your appearance is not unappealing and your intellect shows potential.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”There now, that wasn´t so difficult, was it?”
”You´re welcome! Now you say something nice!”
”???”
”Gods! I finally found a way to silence you!”
”Here´s a compliment for you: I´m sure that I, given time, will be able to mold you into something resembling a decent husband.”
”Mold me? Mold me?!”
”Or actually, you´ll have to shape up pretty fast, I´ve invited a friend to tea tomorrow. I expect you to behave.”
”And now you think I´m going to socialize with your imbecile friends…”
”Lavender might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but ´imbecile´is a strong word…”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Miss Brown? Well, I suppose I might make an exception just this once, to accommodate my lovely bride.”
”Oh, yes, I´m sure you will! And if you want to, you leering pervert, you can hide behind the sofa and watch us practice kissing! We´ll probably be all hot and bothered and feel urged to undress each other and the soft, creamy flesh of those awesome tits will just press into mine and I won´t be able to stop myself from kissing them and licking them and sucking and…”
”Gaaaah!”
”Severus? Severus…did you just…come? In your pants? Sweet! Some wedding night!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Oh, fuck! That was unexpected, but at least we´ve finally found an area in which your never-ending ranting might be useful.”
”I´m ignoring that. Is it really supposed to happen that fast?”
”No…I mean…It´s been a while and I´m cursed with vivid imagination…”
”That´s actually cute: You orgasming merely by listening to me, I like the power!”
”Don´t get any ideas!”
”Oh, I already have several. What do you say to us moving this into the bedroom. I could strip and tell you about the time Lavender and I went swimming.”
”I should decline.”
”But you´re not going to.”
”No.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^The End^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Team: Death Eaters in mood for witty banter
Challenge: wedding night, dialogue only
Rating: PG-13
Words: 100x9
Characters: Hermione and Severus
Disclaimer: Not mine
A/N: Something to balance all the angsty stuff with. Yin ´n´ Yang, ya´know…
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Miss Granger…”
”Madame Snape.”
”Pardon?”
”Madame Snape. It´s ´Madame Snape´ now.”
”Don´t be ridiculous! We´re stuck in this sham of a marriage because the Ministry fools have nothing better to do with their time than to interfere with the perfectly orderly lives of decent people…”
”Imprisoned by the infamous Marriage Law! That doesn´t change the fact that I´m Madame Snape now.”
”Impertinent girl! And to think that I was actually going to try to make you feel more comfortable, what with this being our wedding night. I trust you do realise what´s expected of you on the wedding night…Madame Snape?!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Yes, well…It´s not like…I suppose it can´t be all that difficult…”
”Really? Well, then, by all means, proceed!”
”Hrmpf! Whatever you say, husband! Should I just undress and spread on the bed?”
”Well I´ve never…!”
”No wait, it´s actually up to the male party to initiate the…activities, isn´t it? So I think maybe you should undress me…”
”I wouldn´t touch you if my life depended on it!”
”Oh, come now, wedding night expectations and so on. Remember? Maybe we could start with a kiss?”
”A kiss?”
”Yes, one of them mouth-to-mouth thingies. Like this.”
”Get off me, you ogre…Oh, mmm…”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Mmmm…oh…That was…rather lovely, actually. I´ve never kissed a man before.”
”That was horrible, you deluded witch! Wait a minute, what do you mean by `never kissed a man before`?”
”I just haven´t. The only person I´ve ever kissed is Lavender, and that was just us experimenting for fun.”
”You´ve kissed miss Brown?”
”Yes.”
”Gods! By all means elaborate! I´m thinking maybe we might get through this night according to standard procedure after all.”
”You´re turned on by the thought of me kissing Lavender Brown???”
”Well, that girl has got the most magnificent pair of tits…”
”You´ve been ogling her tits?!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Hard not to notice something so protruding.”
”Merlin! Being married to a creepy Slytherin will be the death of me!”
”I hardly think acting like a red-blooded male defines me as creepy…”
”Ogling students is most definitely creepy!”
”Not ogling. Marrying.”
”Why, you smug bastard…”
”Language, Madame Snape!”
”Kiss my arse, Severus!”
”Touché, Hermione. And I just might do that.”
”Later. Let´s practice some more kissing first. I´ve been told I´m horrible at it.”
”You´ve got to stop attacking me…mmm…I don´t care for dominant women…mmm…You´re improving though, I´ll give you that.”
”Improving? We´ll keep practicing until I get an Outstanding.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Outstanding, ha! Don´t delude yourself!…mmm…”
”Are you…bulging…Severus?”
”That would be the normal reaction to this kind of activity, so yes.”
”Gods, that´s uncomfortable. And rather rude of you, I might add, I´m actually sitting ontop of it, you know.”
”More amicable women would consider it a compliment and respond accordingly.”
”Respond accordingly?”
”Well, I am, as you put it, bulging. And under all of those hideous robes, you are, I trust, hollow. You do the math.”
”These are my wedding robes, you git! Merlin! Tell me…just tell me in what twisted universe such a remark would earn you a shag!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Come now, my dear! Don´t get your knickers in a twist. I thought we were getting along rather well?”
”I can´t hear what you´re saying over the sound of my horrible hideousness.”
”Well, if you´re going to be like that…”
”Pay me a compliment!”
”What?”
”Say something nice!”
”???”
”I´m your wife! You should be able to say something nice about me!”
”I´m sorry, have we met? Severus Snape - dreaded potions master with evil tongue extraordinaire, notoriously mean and proud holder of the broke-the-most-students-record.”
”That´s it. I´m leaving, I tried!”
”Your appearance is not unappealing and your intellect shows potential.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”There now, that wasn´t so difficult, was it?”
”You´re welcome! Now you say something nice!”
”???”
”Gods! I finally found a way to silence you!”
”Here´s a compliment for you: I´m sure that I, given time, will be able to mold you into something resembling a decent husband.”
”Mold me? Mold me?!”
”Or actually, you´ll have to shape up pretty fast, I´ve invited a friend to tea tomorrow. I expect you to behave.”
”And now you think I´m going to socialize with your imbecile friends…”
”Lavender might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but ´imbecile´is a strong word…”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Miss Brown? Well, I suppose I might make an exception just this once, to accommodate my lovely bride.”
”Oh, yes, I´m sure you will! And if you want to, you leering pervert, you can hide behind the sofa and watch us practice kissing! We´ll probably be all hot and bothered and feel urged to undress each other and the soft, creamy flesh of those awesome tits will just press into mine and I won´t be able to stop myself from kissing them and licking them and sucking and…”
”Gaaaah!”
”Severus? Severus…did you just…come? In your pants? Sweet! Some wedding night!”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
”Oh, fuck! That was unexpected, but at least we´ve finally found an area in which your never-ending ranting might be useful.”
”I´m ignoring that. Is it really supposed to happen that fast?”
”No…I mean…It´s been a while and I´m cursed with vivid imagination…”
”That´s actually cute: You orgasming merely by listening to me, I like the power!”
”Don´t get any ideas!”
”Oh, I already have several. What do you say to us moving this into the bedroom. I could strip and tell you about the time Lavender and I went swimming.”
”I should decline.”
”But you´re not going to.”
”No.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^The End^^^^^^^^^^^^^^