I F***ing Do!, Part 26
Title: I F***ing Do! Part 26
Team Name: Spying for the Order
Word Count: 100 x 16
Rating: M
Challenge: Creative Cursing
Characters: Hermione, Severus and... good gods, everyone.
Authors Notes: I'd like to take this moment to thank every single one of the Harpies:
duniazade,
dickgloucester,
bluestocking79,
sc010f,
a_bees_buzz, and
camillo1978! You have all been so absolutely wonderful, supportive and creative! I have hugely enjoyed working with you all! Thanks also to
droxy and her neverending supply of patience and the wonderfully convenient times she has looked the other way concerning us. :D thanks!
Previously, on I F***ing Do!...
Previous Entries
Like most things at the Granger-Snape wedding, the reception started promisingly but went quickly downhill.
Ron’s Best Man speech probably hadn’t helped things much.
‘Cheers to our gride and broom… er, bride and groom, Severus and Hermione, the smartest bloody couple I’ve ever seen. Their babies will probably have fucking huge heads due to a brain overload. To our happy, horny pair who are about to escape and shag in their bedroom. Go forth, be fruitful and multiply, and… ahh, stuff this.’ Ron downed his Firewhisky in one gulp and wandered off, leaving the crowd in a decidedly embarrassed silence.
& & &
Toby was about to stand up and follow up Ron’s speech with something equally distasteful, but Severus had had just about enough. He smoothly stuck his foot out, tripping up his father before he could utter a word.
‘Bradman’s pimpled arse! That’s no way to treat yer father, Sev old boy!’ Toby whinged, rubbing his backside.
‘Speak now, Dad, and I’ll personally make sure that you’ll never have the physical capacity to do so ever again!’ Severus hissed back.
Toby opened his mouth, but at Severus’ and Hermione’s joined death glare, he settled for mumbling about ‘sons of banshees’.
& & &
Noticing the imminent threat of all-out confrontation between father and son, Lucius hastily got the string quartet playing and dragged the bride and groom to the dance floor.
‘Severus! Stop stepping on my toes, you left-footed leper!’ Hermione hissed in pain. ‘I told you we should have taken those fwooping dance classes!’
Actually, Severus was a perfectly good dancer, but he was too busy being worried.
‘I could’ve sworn I just saw…’ he trailed off, narrowing his eyes at the shadows.
‘Severus?’ his wife questioned.
His wife. Merlin’s saggy tits, but he was married, at long last.
Suddenly, everything was perfect.
& & &
The cake looked delightful, with its adorable ladybird and equally endearing, yet slightly awkward spider.
And yet, under all that effort, the cake was still a dense, dry, utterly ghastly fruit cake in layers coated with royal icing with a texture similar to granite.
In other words, it was absolutely fucking terrible. What had the elves been smoking in the kitchens?
Toby gagged as he took a bite. Aberforth patted him on the back, chortling.
‘Cor, blimey. There’s gotta be a better function for that cake, or I’ll starve!’ Toby moaned. ‘Fucking finger food, eh? Bunch o’ shit-poxed pansies, honestly.’
& & &
‘Ron! Quit elbowing me, fuckwit!’ Harry hissed beneath the Cloak.
‘Sorry, mate. This thing just isn’t designed for two adults,’ Ron whispered. ‘Not to mention, it’s getting hard to walk in a straight line.’
‘That’s because you drank half the Firewhisky, dumbfuck.’
Indeed, Ron was so busy going incognito that he forgot to concentrate on walking straight, smacking right into Viktor Krum.
‘Shiiiit,’ Harry swore as Krum looked straight through Ron at Percy and stomped over to him.
‘Whoops,’ Ron giggled, upending a bottle of Firewhisky into the punch as a brawl started in the middle of the dance floor.
& & &
Antonin Dolohov was a Bad Man. Bad Men were good at hiding in the shadows.
Hence, Dolohov remained perfectly out of sight, watching the proceedings with an evil smirk.
Everything was going accordingly to plan. Despite those two airheaded Gryffindor harpies fucking up royally, he was still well on his way to sabotaging the wedding, thus irrevocably ruining Flamelexir and sending Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy into bankruptcy. It had taken him such a damned long time, but there would be no more incompetence in the way of his plans.
Those damned traitors were going down once and for all.
& & &
Meanwhile, as the men traded punches and kicks and the rest of the guests got royally drunk on spiked punch, things were relatively quiet in the Gringotts.
A pile of papers had just arrived from Romania, and Goldnugget, Head of Foreign Affairs, was rifling through them. It was the usual business; gold was trickling in from all sides, like the Romanian Dragon Reserve profits, Veela Feathers, Macavity’s Magical Security-
‘Khrysos’ karats!’ Goldnugget swore. ‘It can’t be! How can Macavity’s profits be going to Dolohov’s vault?’ Goldnugget cried out in disbelief. ‘And Macavity’s at the Granger-Snape wedding! I must stop this!’
& & &
The news spread like wildfire throughout the Magical Creatures community. Within the hour, a gang of goblins, house elves, centaurs and other creatures had gathered around Goldnugget.
‘Brethren! There is a plot to sabotage the Granger-Snape wedding by none other than Dolohov! A Death Eater! We must stop this! Hermione Granger has been kind to us, and humans have treated us far better than ever before thanks to her help. Goblins do not help humans, but she has done enough to merit our assistance. Let’s go to Hogwarts and stop this!’
‘Save Miss Bushy and Professor Greasyhead!’ the elves chanted.
& & &
Back at the wedding, all hell had broken loose.
Most of the men were involved in a full out brawl that involved numerous redheads, among others. Hermione swore she saw Uncle Alfie join in as well, due to its non-magical nature as a fist fight.
Hermione and Severus were pulling out their hair. ‘Stop, you Thestral turd-covered troglodytes!’ she screeched. ‘Stop, stop, ST-AHH!’
Hermione screamed as someone grabbed her from behind and thrust a wand to her neck.
The fighting ceased as though frozen in time. Krum was ripping out Percy’s hair. George had Krum’s arm between his teeth.
& & &
‘Drop your wands or she dies,’ Dolohov growled, an evil sneer on his lips as he dug his wand harder into Hermione’s neck.
Severus pretended to comply, but sent up a shower of cat-shaped sparks as a signal to Macavity’s guards.
Dolohov chuckled. ‘Calling for help, Severus? How do you propose I got in here in the first place, you Flobberworm-fucking twat? You see, Severus, Macavity’s men… are actually my men.’
As if to prove his point, the security guards came rushing in, only to stand behind Dolohov.
‘Boo hoo,’ Dolohov mocked. ‘So much for your lovely little wedd-oof!’
& & &
A slice of the cake went sailing through the air and smacked Dolohov right in the face, showering Hermione with currants and marzipan.
Uncle Alfie stared at Toby. ‘Excellent shot. D’you play cricket much, old boy?’
Hermione, taking advantage of her distracted captor, bit down onto his wrist-hard. He yelped and snatched his hand away as she rolled forward into Severus’ relieved arms.
‘Thank Merlin.’ He grasped her so tightly she thought she would break her ribs, but she didn’t mind in the least. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again, Hermione Snape.’
She kissed him soundly.
& & &
‘My wand won’t work!’ cried Kingsley.
Minerva shrugged helplessly. ‘I’ve put up anti-wand wards for our Muggle guests. It’ll take too long to disable them now!’
‘No need!’ yelled Toby, who was hurtling vol-au-vents from behind a pew.
Ron and Harry looked at each other, grinning as though Christmas had come early.
Wands forgotten, the reception quickly turned into a food fight. For the first time in the entire affair, the Muggles had the wizards at a disadvantage by poking toothpicks into eyes, slipping the security guards up on banana peels and throwing pies with deadly aim at unfortunate faces.
& & &
After much flinging, throwing, hurling, thrusting, slamming and chucking, the wedding-goers had Dolohov and his gang at their mercy.
‘We need to tie them up!’ Hermione said. ‘Do we have any rope?’
‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR AREN’T YOU, YOU JAUNDICED JARVEY!?’ Ron bellowed.
‘Oh… right,’ she replied meekly, binding them with magic.
‘I’ll deal with this lot,’ Kingsley said calmingly. He turned to Severus. ‘He’s the last of them. You’re free of Voldemort, Severus.’
Lucius slapped his forehead. ‘Hades’ hirsute harpy! The guards outside! They’re working for him too!’
‘We’ve dealt with them,’ said a voice from behind them.
& & &
The doors swung open to reveal Goldnugget and the rest of the goblins, elves, centaurs and other assorted creatures. The centaurs carried several very disgruntled looking security guards over their shoulders.
‘We is here helping Miss Bushy and Professor Greasyhead!’ squeaked one of the elves
‘We came to lend a helping hand,’ a centaur added graciously.
‘Join the army, they said. It’s a man’s life, they said,’ grumbled one of the guards.
‘Shut it, you Thestral turd, or I’ll shut it for you,’ growled another.
‘Nimue’s knickers, but Dolohov had better pay us well,’ said the first.
The others agreed.
& & &
Goldnugget turned to Hermione. ‘Hermione Granger, we goblins do not help humans. Nor do centaurs, and elves do what they are bound by magic to do. But you have done much to improve our standing in wizarding society.’ He gestured to the large group of Magical Creatures behind him. ‘They all came because of you, Miss Granger.’ He smiled; it looked strangely pleasant on the goblin’s face. ‘That is, Mrs Snape.’
Hermione was in tears. Severus held her tightly. ‘Th-thank you. All of you. I never did this for favours… I just genuinely wanted to change the way things were.’
& & &
Ginny stared at Hermione for a few moments. Then she started clapping.
Harry and Ron enthusiastically joined in. Even Slughorn, Eileen, Minerva, Aberforth and Toby-albeit grudgingly-applauded, too.
Soon, the whole room was filled with the sound of applause-all for Hermione Snape, née Granger.
Hermione beamed through her tears, sniffling.
‘Karma, dearie,’ Granny Alice said wisely. ‘She helped them, and now they’re helping her. It’s all the same, this magic and Muggle nonsense, isn’t it?’
Jocasta and Martin exchanged glances with Hermione and Severus and grinned.
She was right. Maybe wizards and Muggles weren’t so different after all.
Team Name: Spying for the Order
Word Count: 100 x 16
Rating: M
Challenge: Creative Cursing
Characters: Hermione, Severus and... good gods, everyone.
Authors Notes: I'd like to take this moment to thank every single one of the Harpies:
duniazade,
dickgloucester,
bluestocking79,
sc010f,
a_bees_buzz, and
camillo1978! You have all been so absolutely wonderful, supportive and creative! I have hugely enjoyed working with you all! Thanks also to
droxy and her neverending supply of patience and the wonderfully convenient times she has looked the other way concerning us. :D thanks!
Previously, on I F***ing Do!...
Previous Entries
Like most things at the Granger-Snape wedding, the reception started promisingly but went quickly downhill.
Ron’s Best Man speech probably hadn’t helped things much.
‘Cheers to our gride and broom… er, bride and groom, Severus and Hermione, the smartest bloody couple I’ve ever seen. Their babies will probably have fucking huge heads due to a brain overload. To our happy, horny pair who are about to escape and shag in their bedroom. Go forth, be fruitful and multiply, and… ahh, stuff this.’ Ron downed his Firewhisky in one gulp and wandered off, leaving the crowd in a decidedly embarrassed silence.
& & &
Toby was about to stand up and follow up Ron’s speech with something equally distasteful, but Severus had had just about enough. He smoothly stuck his foot out, tripping up his father before he could utter a word.
‘Bradman’s pimpled arse! That’s no way to treat yer father, Sev old boy!’ Toby whinged, rubbing his backside.
‘Speak now, Dad, and I’ll personally make sure that you’ll never have the physical capacity to do so ever again!’ Severus hissed back.
Toby opened his mouth, but at Severus’ and Hermione’s joined death glare, he settled for mumbling about ‘sons of banshees’.
& & &
Noticing the imminent threat of all-out confrontation between father and son, Lucius hastily got the string quartet playing and dragged the bride and groom to the dance floor.
‘Severus! Stop stepping on my toes, you left-footed leper!’ Hermione hissed in pain. ‘I told you we should have taken those fwooping dance classes!’
Actually, Severus was a perfectly good dancer, but he was too busy being worried.
‘I could’ve sworn I just saw…’ he trailed off, narrowing his eyes at the shadows.
‘Severus?’ his wife questioned.
His wife. Merlin’s saggy tits, but he was married, at long last.
Suddenly, everything was perfect.
& & &
The cake looked delightful, with its adorable ladybird and equally endearing, yet slightly awkward spider.
And yet, under all that effort, the cake was still a dense, dry, utterly ghastly fruit cake in layers coated with royal icing with a texture similar to granite.
In other words, it was absolutely fucking terrible. What had the elves been smoking in the kitchens?
Toby gagged as he took a bite. Aberforth patted him on the back, chortling.
‘Cor, blimey. There’s gotta be a better function for that cake, or I’ll starve!’ Toby moaned. ‘Fucking finger food, eh? Bunch o’ shit-poxed pansies, honestly.’
& & &
‘Ron! Quit elbowing me, fuckwit!’ Harry hissed beneath the Cloak.
‘Sorry, mate. This thing just isn’t designed for two adults,’ Ron whispered. ‘Not to mention, it’s getting hard to walk in a straight line.’
‘That’s because you drank half the Firewhisky, dumbfuck.’
Indeed, Ron was so busy going incognito that he forgot to concentrate on walking straight, smacking right into Viktor Krum.
‘Shiiiit,’ Harry swore as Krum looked straight through Ron at Percy and stomped over to him.
‘Whoops,’ Ron giggled, upending a bottle of Firewhisky into the punch as a brawl started in the middle of the dance floor.
& & &
Antonin Dolohov was a Bad Man. Bad Men were good at hiding in the shadows.
Hence, Dolohov remained perfectly out of sight, watching the proceedings with an evil smirk.
Everything was going accordingly to plan. Despite those two airheaded Gryffindor harpies fucking up royally, he was still well on his way to sabotaging the wedding, thus irrevocably ruining Flamelexir and sending Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy into bankruptcy. It had taken him such a damned long time, but there would be no more incompetence in the way of his plans.
Those damned traitors were going down once and for all.
& & &
Meanwhile, as the men traded punches and kicks and the rest of the guests got royally drunk on spiked punch, things were relatively quiet in the Gringotts.
A pile of papers had just arrived from Romania, and Goldnugget, Head of Foreign Affairs, was rifling through them. It was the usual business; gold was trickling in from all sides, like the Romanian Dragon Reserve profits, Veela Feathers, Macavity’s Magical Security-
‘Khrysos’ karats!’ Goldnugget swore. ‘It can’t be! How can Macavity’s profits be going to Dolohov’s vault?’ Goldnugget cried out in disbelief. ‘And Macavity’s at the Granger-Snape wedding! I must stop this!’
& & &
The news spread like wildfire throughout the Magical Creatures community. Within the hour, a gang of goblins, house elves, centaurs and other creatures had gathered around Goldnugget.
‘Brethren! There is a plot to sabotage the Granger-Snape wedding by none other than Dolohov! A Death Eater! We must stop this! Hermione Granger has been kind to us, and humans have treated us far better than ever before thanks to her help. Goblins do not help humans, but she has done enough to merit our assistance. Let’s go to Hogwarts and stop this!’
‘Save Miss Bushy and Professor Greasyhead!’ the elves chanted.
& & &
Back at the wedding, all hell had broken loose.
Most of the men were involved in a full out brawl that involved numerous redheads, among others. Hermione swore she saw Uncle Alfie join in as well, due to its non-magical nature as a fist fight.
Hermione and Severus were pulling out their hair. ‘Stop, you Thestral turd-covered troglodytes!’ she screeched. ‘Stop, stop, ST-AHH!’
Hermione screamed as someone grabbed her from behind and thrust a wand to her neck.
The fighting ceased as though frozen in time. Krum was ripping out Percy’s hair. George had Krum’s arm between his teeth.
& & &
‘Drop your wands or she dies,’ Dolohov growled, an evil sneer on his lips as he dug his wand harder into Hermione’s neck.
Severus pretended to comply, but sent up a shower of cat-shaped sparks as a signal to Macavity’s guards.
Dolohov chuckled. ‘Calling for help, Severus? How do you propose I got in here in the first place, you Flobberworm-fucking twat? You see, Severus, Macavity’s men… are actually my men.’
As if to prove his point, the security guards came rushing in, only to stand behind Dolohov.
‘Boo hoo,’ Dolohov mocked. ‘So much for your lovely little wedd-oof!’
& & &
A slice of the cake went sailing through the air and smacked Dolohov right in the face, showering Hermione with currants and marzipan.
Uncle Alfie stared at Toby. ‘Excellent shot. D’you play cricket much, old boy?’
Hermione, taking advantage of her distracted captor, bit down onto his wrist-hard. He yelped and snatched his hand away as she rolled forward into Severus’ relieved arms.
‘Thank Merlin.’ He grasped her so tightly she thought she would break her ribs, but she didn’t mind in the least. ‘Don’t you ever do that to me again, Hermione Snape.’
She kissed him soundly.
& & &
‘My wand won’t work!’ cried Kingsley.
Minerva shrugged helplessly. ‘I’ve put up anti-wand wards for our Muggle guests. It’ll take too long to disable them now!’
‘No need!’ yelled Toby, who was hurtling vol-au-vents from behind a pew.
Ron and Harry looked at each other, grinning as though Christmas had come early.
Wands forgotten, the reception quickly turned into a food fight. For the first time in the entire affair, the Muggles had the wizards at a disadvantage by poking toothpicks into eyes, slipping the security guards up on banana peels and throwing pies with deadly aim at unfortunate faces.
& & &
After much flinging, throwing, hurling, thrusting, slamming and chucking, the wedding-goers had Dolohov and his gang at their mercy.
‘We need to tie them up!’ Hermione said. ‘Do we have any rope?’
‘ARE YOU A WITCH OR AREN’T YOU, YOU JAUNDICED JARVEY!?’ Ron bellowed.
‘Oh… right,’ she replied meekly, binding them with magic.
‘I’ll deal with this lot,’ Kingsley said calmingly. He turned to Severus. ‘He’s the last of them. You’re free of Voldemort, Severus.’
Lucius slapped his forehead. ‘Hades’ hirsute harpy! The guards outside! They’re working for him too!’
‘We’ve dealt with them,’ said a voice from behind them.
& & &
The doors swung open to reveal Goldnugget and the rest of the goblins, elves, centaurs and other assorted creatures. The centaurs carried several very disgruntled looking security guards over their shoulders.
‘We is here helping Miss Bushy and Professor Greasyhead!’ squeaked one of the elves
‘We came to lend a helping hand,’ a centaur added graciously.
‘Join the army, they said. It’s a man’s life, they said,’ grumbled one of the guards.
‘Shut it, you Thestral turd, or I’ll shut it for you,’ growled another.
‘Nimue’s knickers, but Dolohov had better pay us well,’ said the first.
The others agreed.
& & &
Goldnugget turned to Hermione. ‘Hermione Granger, we goblins do not help humans. Nor do centaurs, and elves do what they are bound by magic to do. But you have done much to improve our standing in wizarding society.’ He gestured to the large group of Magical Creatures behind him. ‘They all came because of you, Miss Granger.’ He smiled; it looked strangely pleasant on the goblin’s face. ‘That is, Mrs Snape.’
Hermione was in tears. Severus held her tightly. ‘Th-thank you. All of you. I never did this for favours… I just genuinely wanted to change the way things were.’
& & &
Ginny stared at Hermione for a few moments. Then she started clapping.
Harry and Ron enthusiastically joined in. Even Slughorn, Eileen, Minerva, Aberforth and Toby-albeit grudgingly-applauded, too.
Soon, the whole room was filled with the sound of applause-all for Hermione Snape, née Granger.
Hermione beamed through her tears, sniffling.
‘Karma, dearie,’ Granny Alice said wisely. ‘She helped them, and now they’re helping her. It’s all the same, this magic and Muggle nonsense, isn’t it?’
Jocasta and Martin exchanged glances with Hermione and Severus and grinned.
She was right. Maybe wizards and Muggles weren’t so different after all.