I F***ing Do!, Part 7
Title: I F***ing Do
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 11
Rating: PG-13 or so--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Jocasta Granger, Narcissa Malfoy, Molly Weasley, Minerva McGonagall
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: Seventh in the Hissing Harpies' proud presentation of "I F***ing Do," a round robin. Great thanks and gratitude to all the Harpies, whose natures are as generous as their mouths are foul; thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Special thanks to Scoffy and Buzzy for insightful editing and the generous sharing of ideas!
Previously in "I F***ing Do":
Prologue 1
Prologue 2
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
The meeting was Hermione's idea.
After weeks of pestering letters and hints, it was clear that Jocasta, Narcissa, Molly and Minerva had something in common: they were each aggressively campaigning to plan Severus and Hermione's wedding.
"Merlin's hairy arsehole! If this doesn't stop," Hermione told Severus, "I'm going to turn them all into Blast-Ended Skrewts."
Accordingly, the meeting was scheduled at a convenient time (Saturday afternoon) in a neutral location (Severus and Hermione's lounge). Warnings were issued to attendees. Tea was brewed. Chocolate biscuits were offered.
Negotiations opened amidst a level of animosity not seen since the Battle of Hogwarts.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jocasta had insisted on asserting her claim by pouring the tea. Narcissa was eyeing the lounge as though she were in a zoo, looking supremely disgusted and secretly fascinated by the mostly modern, Muggle furnishings. Molly had 'surreptitiously' swiped her finger along every horizontal surface she'd encountered and was now staring pointedly at corners, no doubt cataloguing every smudge.
Minerva was gazing at Hermione and Severus with an expression that said she wasn't fooled by the apparent neatness and knew that they'd squeezed their usual mess into the under-stairs cupboard.
They had, of course-with the assistance of an Expansion Charm.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I won't stand for my surrogate daughter being married in that den of iniquity!" Molly began, glaring at Narcissa.
"Thank you, Molly," Jocasta said. "I'm glad somebody understands how inappropriate-"
"We can't wait to have them at the Burrow," Molly continued. "In May, I think, for the flowers… her dress will be off-white, poor thing, but after living in sin, that can't be helped…"
Hermione suppressed a groan. Severus pinched the bridge of his nose as though he had a migraine.
Jocasta was rather less diplomatic. "You brazen busybody! This is my daughter's wedding, and I get to plan it!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I've booked St. Jude's," Jocasta announced.
"Nimue's negligee, Mum!" Hermione exploded. "We're not religious. We haven’t been to church ten times in ten years!"
"Every bride in our family has married at St. Jude's," Jocasta huffed. "Don't you belong to our family now?"
Hermione winced.
"Besides," Jocasta continued, mercilessly pressing her advantage, "if the wedding's at that godforsaken castle, how will Uncle Alfie's wheelchair manage all those steps?"
"Hogwarts will make every effort to accommodate Muggle needs-unlike some places," Minerva offered, staring in Narcissa's direction.
It was a declaration of open aggression. Strategic sniping had escalated into full-scale war.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Hogwarts is a distinguished location-"
"Claws in, you power-hungry pussycat! It's rustic at best; the manor's facilities are superior-"
"You Death-Eating debutante! I won't let you commandeer this wedding-"
"I suppose you would prefer to have them pledge their vows at your gnome-riddled little pigsty!"
Hermione stared at the chaos unleashed in her lounge. "Do you suppose they even remember that it's our wedding they're supposed to be planning?"
Severus was taking advantage of their preoccupation, steadily devouring all the chocolate biscuits. He shrugged and continued munching.
Hermione wondered if it was too soon to be fantasising about elopement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Just as she was contemplating suicide-by-butter knife as a means of escape, an owl barrelled in through the opened window, bearing a Howler.
The bickering was abandoned as a hush fell over the group, all attention on the pulsating red envelope that had been delivered to Severus. He examined it and blanched, pale with a horror not displayed since the days of Hermione's enthusiastic experiments in healthy cooking.
"Severus?" Hermione inquired. "What's wrong?"
"Prospero's pustulant prick," he murmured. "It can't be. Not now…"
"It's not from that beetle-brained bimbo, is it?"
Severus looked up with haunted eyes. "Worse. Much worse."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An enraged howl filled the lounge, echoing off the bookshelves: "SEVERUS WILBERFORCE MARION SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU PLAN A BLEEDING WEDDING WITHOUT TELLING ME, YOU LITTLE FLOBBERWORM FART-"
Minerva spilled her tea. "It can't be…"
"-BOLD AS BRASS, TELLING THE SODDING SOCIETY PAGES BEFORE YOUR OWN MAM-"
"Your mother?" Hermione exclaimed.
"-DON'T GIVE A BANSHEE'S BUM WHAT YOU WANT, MISTER I'M-TOO-POSH-FOR-MY-PARENTS, I'M COMING DOWN FROM HALIFAX TOMORROW-"
Severus moaned.
"-HAVING MY SAY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN STUFF IT UP YOUR ARSE WITH A QUIDDITCH BAT!"
Finally, the Howler exploded, showering them all with its blood red remains.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"You told Lucius that your mother had retired to her family estates in Cyprus and was too frail to travel," Narcissa accused.
"Godric's goitre!" Minerva cried. "You told us she'd taken a vow of silence and joined a convent!"
"You lying, loathsome plonker, you told me she was dead!" Hermione smacked his shoulder. "How could you?"
"Yes, how could you ignore your poor, poor mother?" Jocasta demanded.
"If one of my boys ever tries that, Merlin help him, because I won't," Molly added, quivering with maternal indignation.
Pinned by the searing glares of five furious women, Severus felt suddenly queasy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Severus realised that the women had finally found a unifying cause: the mutual agreement that he was a complete arsehole.
"Ladies, I'm sure we can settle this," Minerva said, slipping into Headmistress mode. "Do we agree that Mrs. Snape deserves a say, despite the opinion of her Thestral-shit-for-brains offspring?"
Agreement was murmured.
"Can we also agree that, as the invitations have already gone out, the engagement party will remain at Malfoy Manor?"
Jocasta and Molly nodded grudgingly. Narcissa smirked.
"All further discussion of wedding plans will be tabled until Mrs. Snape's arrival," Minerva continued. "Agreed? Excellent. This meeting is adjourned."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So, Severus Wilberforce Marion Snape," Hermione said, after the meddlesome matrons had departed, "what else are you hiding? A fling with the giant squid?"
He blushed. "Alas, no. The squid is choosy in her affections."
"Philemon's flaming flatulence, Severus, be serious!" She was fixing him now with that determined look of hers, the one that terrified and aroused him in equal measure. "Is there anything else you've kept from me?"
He paused. "No. Nothing."
What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Besides, there wasn't a Fwooper's chance in a dragon's den of his father resurfacing and wanting to be involved.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later, Severus lay in bed, sweaty, sated and content from the make-up sex.
Then Hermione spoiled the mood.
"I can't imagine why you didn't tell me about your mother," she mused.
He tensed. "Perhaps because she's a vicious harridan with the temper of a Hungarian Horntail and the delicate sensibilities of a dockworker? You heard the letter."
"She was angry."
Severus refrained from noting that he had never seen Eileen not angry.
"It'll be fine; you'll see," Hermione continued, yawning. "She can't possibly be worse than my mother."
Severus sighed, his post-shag haze well and truly ruined. "You've no idea."
Go on to Part Eight.
Team : Order of the Phoenix
Word Count: 100 x 11
Rating: PG-13 or so--bad language here. (Well, obviously.)
Challenge: Creative Cursing Challenge
Characters: Hermione/Severus, Jocasta Granger, Narcissa Malfoy, Molly Weasley, Minerva McGonagall
Disclaimer: They're not mine, they're J.K. Rowling's. Alas.
Notes: Seventh in the Hissing Harpies' proud presentation of "I F***ing Do," a round robin. Great thanks and gratitude to all the Harpies, whose natures are as generous as their mouths are foul; thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Special thanks to Scoffy and Buzzy for insightful editing and the generous sharing of ideas!
Previously in "I F***ing Do":
Prologue 1
Prologue 2
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
The meeting was Hermione's idea.
After weeks of pestering letters and hints, it was clear that Jocasta, Narcissa, Molly and Minerva had something in common: they were each aggressively campaigning to plan Severus and Hermione's wedding.
"Merlin's hairy arsehole! If this doesn't stop," Hermione told Severus, "I'm going to turn them all into Blast-Ended Skrewts."
Accordingly, the meeting was scheduled at a convenient time (Saturday afternoon) in a neutral location (Severus and Hermione's lounge). Warnings were issued to attendees. Tea was brewed. Chocolate biscuits were offered.
Negotiations opened amidst a level of animosity not seen since the Battle of Hogwarts.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jocasta had insisted on asserting her claim by pouring the tea. Narcissa was eyeing the lounge as though she were in a zoo, looking supremely disgusted and secretly fascinated by the mostly modern, Muggle furnishings. Molly had 'surreptitiously' swiped her finger along every horizontal surface she'd encountered and was now staring pointedly at corners, no doubt cataloguing every smudge.
Minerva was gazing at Hermione and Severus with an expression that said she wasn't fooled by the apparent neatness and knew that they'd squeezed their usual mess into the under-stairs cupboard.
They had, of course-with the assistance of an Expansion Charm.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I won't stand for my surrogate daughter being married in that den of iniquity!" Molly began, glaring at Narcissa.
"Thank you, Molly," Jocasta said. "I'm glad somebody understands how inappropriate-"
"We can't wait to have them at the Burrow," Molly continued. "In May, I think, for the flowers… her dress will be off-white, poor thing, but after living in sin, that can't be helped…"
Hermione suppressed a groan. Severus pinched the bridge of his nose as though he had a migraine.
Jocasta was rather less diplomatic. "You brazen busybody! This is my daughter's wedding, and I get to plan it!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I've booked St. Jude's," Jocasta announced.
"Nimue's negligee, Mum!" Hermione exploded. "We're not religious. We haven’t been to church ten times in ten years!"
"Every bride in our family has married at St. Jude's," Jocasta huffed. "Don't you belong to our family now?"
Hermione winced.
"Besides," Jocasta continued, mercilessly pressing her advantage, "if the wedding's at that godforsaken castle, how will Uncle Alfie's wheelchair manage all those steps?"
"Hogwarts will make every effort to accommodate Muggle needs-unlike some places," Minerva offered, staring in Narcissa's direction.
It was a declaration of open aggression. Strategic sniping had escalated into full-scale war.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Hogwarts is a distinguished location-"
"Claws in, you power-hungry pussycat! It's rustic at best; the manor's facilities are superior-"
"You Death-Eating debutante! I won't let you commandeer this wedding-"
"I suppose you would prefer to have them pledge their vows at your gnome-riddled little pigsty!"
Hermione stared at the chaos unleashed in her lounge. "Do you suppose they even remember that it's our wedding they're supposed to be planning?"
Severus was taking advantage of their preoccupation, steadily devouring all the chocolate biscuits. He shrugged and continued munching.
Hermione wondered if it was too soon to be fantasising about elopement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Just as she was contemplating suicide-by-butter knife as a means of escape, an owl barrelled in through the opened window, bearing a Howler.
The bickering was abandoned as a hush fell over the group, all attention on the pulsating red envelope that had been delivered to Severus. He examined it and blanched, pale with a horror not displayed since the days of Hermione's enthusiastic experiments in healthy cooking.
"Severus?" Hermione inquired. "What's wrong?"
"Prospero's pustulant prick," he murmured. "It can't be. Not now…"
"It's not from that beetle-brained bimbo, is it?"
Severus looked up with haunted eyes. "Worse. Much worse."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An enraged howl filled the lounge, echoing off the bookshelves: "SEVERUS WILBERFORCE MARION SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU PLAN A BLEEDING WEDDING WITHOUT TELLING ME, YOU LITTLE FLOBBERWORM FART-"
Minerva spilled her tea. "It can't be…"
"-BOLD AS BRASS, TELLING THE SODDING SOCIETY PAGES BEFORE YOUR OWN MAM-"
"Your mother?" Hermione exclaimed.
"-DON'T GIVE A BANSHEE'S BUM WHAT YOU WANT, MISTER I'M-TOO-POSH-FOR-MY-PARENTS, I'M COMING DOWN FROM HALIFAX TOMORROW-"
Severus moaned.
"-HAVING MY SAY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN STUFF IT UP YOUR ARSE WITH A QUIDDITCH BAT!"
Finally, the Howler exploded, showering them all with its blood red remains.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"You told Lucius that your mother had retired to her family estates in Cyprus and was too frail to travel," Narcissa accused.
"Godric's goitre!" Minerva cried. "You told us she'd taken a vow of silence and joined a convent!"
"You lying, loathsome plonker, you told me she was dead!" Hermione smacked his shoulder. "How could you?"
"Yes, how could you ignore your poor, poor mother?" Jocasta demanded.
"If one of my boys ever tries that, Merlin help him, because I won't," Molly added, quivering with maternal indignation.
Pinned by the searing glares of five furious women, Severus felt suddenly queasy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Severus realised that the women had finally found a unifying cause: the mutual agreement that he was a complete arsehole.
"Ladies, I'm sure we can settle this," Minerva said, slipping into Headmistress mode. "Do we agree that Mrs. Snape deserves a say, despite the opinion of her Thestral-shit-for-brains offspring?"
Agreement was murmured.
"Can we also agree that, as the invitations have already gone out, the engagement party will remain at Malfoy Manor?"
Jocasta and Molly nodded grudgingly. Narcissa smirked.
"All further discussion of wedding plans will be tabled until Mrs. Snape's arrival," Minerva continued. "Agreed? Excellent. This meeting is adjourned."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"So, Severus Wilberforce Marion Snape," Hermione said, after the meddlesome matrons had departed, "what else are you hiding? A fling with the giant squid?"
He blushed. "Alas, no. The squid is choosy in her affections."
"Philemon's flaming flatulence, Severus, be serious!" She was fixing him now with that determined look of hers, the one that terrified and aroused him in equal measure. "Is there anything else you've kept from me?"
He paused. "No. Nothing."
What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Besides, there wasn't a Fwooper's chance in a dragon's den of his father resurfacing and wanting to be involved.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later, Severus lay in bed, sweaty, sated and content from the make-up sex.
Then Hermione spoiled the mood.
"I can't imagine why you didn't tell me about your mother," she mused.
He tensed. "Perhaps because she's a vicious harridan with the temper of a Hungarian Horntail and the delicate sensibilities of a dockworker? You heard the letter."
"She was angry."
Severus refrained from noting that he had never seen Eileen not angry.
"It'll be fine; you'll see," Hermione continued, yawning. "She can't possibly be worse than my mother."
Severus sighed, his post-shag haze well and truly ruined. "You've no idea."
Go on to Part Eight.