a life consisting of library trips
Last night I went to bed and accidentally fell asleep thinking about the people who really hated me, in middle school, Oceana, and my first couple years of college. It sucks thinking about even one relationship like that, but it's worse when you put them together and realize that your life could kind of form a timeline where at least one person is really disgusted by the thought of you, throughout all the time you've been making decisions and walking around and doing stuff. It's just depressing. And then I realized that nobody really hated me in Reno (that I know of), and that in Reno, I found the only two people who I ever thought to myself I truly hated. It was these two girls in P.E. - Lori Jacobsen and Rosie something or other - They weren't drop dead gorgeous, but they were so LOUD. And they flirted with all the guys, and they sang in the locker room, and they never even saw me. (I know I sound like a serial killer all of a sudden). It was cause I was a small, bony Chinese girl, I was sure that that was why. I remember this one day in P.E. when we were having a knockout tournament (knockout is a game involving a basketball and a really long line) where all the girls played on one side of the gym, and the winner would play the winner of all the guys. And out of thirty girls, it came down to me and this girl Kate Stuyvesant. I was behind her in line, and she was still trying to get her basket from the previous round. I got mine in before her, but she kept playing, and when she made hers, she did a cheerleader move, and everybody who wasn't paying attention (which was everybody) cheered. For people who don't know how to play knockout, it basically should've been me doing the cheerleading move, and playing the guy champion. But everybody behind me "saw "her win, and so I kind of just....erased it, and walked away thinking, "Maybe she did win." It's so weird. But anyways, things like that were why I felt like nobody saw me. Back to Lori and Rosie, I still wonder - of all the people who've thrown fucked up attitudes my way - how could I have hated them, of all people, especially if I never even interacted with them? And as I was falling asleep, I realized that it was surprisingly easy. Easier, I'm sure, than if I had ever known the whole story. Just watching them, I felt like I knew everything I needed to know. That's highschool, right? But still, I feel bad that I ever hated them, even if it was only for that hour and a half every day they were in my line of sight.
Anyways, I woke up an hour ago and realized I was having a whack-ass dream about some birthday party of mine where random people were attending. Hamilton was eating baklava with my grandma, Jillian was sitting on the couch with my middle school friend Laura, who asked me to moon someone. Angelica, Stephanie, Dana, and a bunch of other girls were having a really serious talk where they were all crying about how they'd mistreated each other.... It was so bizarre. And it was definitely, DEFinitely, because of the way I fell asleep.