Here it comes, a beautiful collision!
What a week.
Our move date has been set. I'd desperately hoped that it would be sometime after January 1st, but it seems fate has other things in mind. Or perhaps God has other things in mind. I've yet to decide.
Our buyers(Whom I've yet to even lay eyes on and have already decided I loathe) offered us one ninety eight. We were asking two forty. This house is worth well over three.
Mom and dad accepted.
And so now I'm leaving on December 16th, unless their finances get approved and the morons(our buyers) decide they want to close sooner. Who in their flipping right mind decides to move into a new house ten days before Christmas is beyond me. I'd like to say more on the subject, but I'll succeed only in becoming more angry.
I've taken care of things at work, and I suppose Maribeth is looking into the Supertargets in San Antonio. John has promised not to schedule me past the ninth, which will give me a week off to spend time with people and say my goodbyes. Or See You Laters. I still hope to come back. God willing it won't be long.
I've recently found myself in a strangely surreal state. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'll wake in the morning and my mind will start racing, I do believe madly at times, and then I'll trudge through my morning rituals and prepare for the day. By the time I get to Target I've slipped into something different, and I start thinking and saying different things. My mannerisms change. I speak my mind more liberally then I might ought to at times. It's weird.
Then I finish the day out, and it'll seem I've slipped again. I'll be exhausted, but all I want to do is stay up and vedge out. And talk to people. But not necessarily spend time with them. This bothers me more than anything. I have so little time left now, but for some reason I find myself wanting to sit on the internet and play video games over spending time with people like Katie and Neil. And I hate myself for it. As soon as I get in the car to leave on the morning of the sixteenth, I'll be hating myself for every moment I wasted. I hate myself for it now. Not in the literal sense, mind you, but in a manner that lends itself to leaving me... sad? Sad sounds like the right word. I've spent more and more time lately with people like Cherah and Paul and Neil. We even hung out at Erik's last night. Just, out of no where. On a whim. It was great. And then I run some sort of conscrewed process in my head where I think, momentarily, 'this is great, I should do this more often' And then later, I realize that that's impossible.
It bothers me.
And then at the end of the day I lay down to rest, and I can't fall asleep. My head starts running again with should have dones, shouldn't have dones, forgot to do's, want to do's, what I'll be doing tomorrow, who I'll miss the most when I leave, who I miss now. I think I'm losing my mind.
And then there's the second, and perhaps more important matter that rattles my mind without relent: Love.
Not of the romantic sense(while that does often seem to accompany it), but more the general appreciation of people and who they are and who God made them. Isn't that the point of it all? I've talked on this before, but I can't seem to reconcile(With myself? With God?) on where to stand. All this forgiveness and grace and consistency stuff, it's great. I love it. I love seeing it in people. I love it when I'm adequate to share it(however little it may be on some days) and it seems to bring everything into perspective, for me. I find it makes me a happier person when I'm able to shrug off little insignificant annoyances brought on by other people by the method, "God forgave them, why shouldn't I?". And it becomes even better when I see realness in them. Some glint of humanity between the irritation, and admittance of some insecurity, or even a genuine smile. It reminds me of God.
And even better still is getting to know someone. Finding out what makes them tick, what they love, what they hate, what makes them smile and what makes them cry. Finding out how they feel about life, love, money, the government, and why they feel that way. It's euphoric. Perhaps I love nothing more than knowing people. It brings everything back around and into perspective. People don't become scenery anymore. They become the precious and beautiful things God made them to be. And how beautiful they are.
Perhaps nothing frustrates me more than having this unbridled love for people and being unable to express it. That sounds so strange when I say it. But I seem to often find myself having a conversation with someone like Cherah or Keith or Marcus or Erik or Amanda or Matt or Ryan or Katie or John S and wanting to say, "Hey, you know, I care about you. Thank you for being part of my life." And I feel like I can't, because that would be strange.
That's what God is about to me. Love. Loving people. That's what Jesus was about. Sure, he talked about hell, but it was never about condemnation. It was, "This is what could happen, and I love you so much it'd break my heart if it did." That's why I get so frustrated when people talk about how they don't like, "Religion". Of course people don't like religion! It has NOTHING to do with God! Religion is a bunch of man-made rules and dogmatic bull that God never ordained. Of course, church can be a great thing. Communities of people who love God and love each other are a force that nothing on earth can truly hope to combat, yet finding one can be like ingesting a single grain of sand, and then sifting through your every bowel movement in hopes of finding it again. Gross.
People have screwed up church, and unfortunately, screwed up God in the eyes of a lot of people. How beautiful it would be if we could just hit Reset and start from the beginning. It's so simple when we let it be. God never wanted to confuse us.
I suppose in order to really get all that you'd have to have some faith base. And a lot of people don't. And that's okay. I'm not supposed to make people believe, I'm supposed to love them. And that's something I really enjoy doing. My problem much of the time is how to do it in a way that makes SENSE to people. I can't just say, "God loves both of us, so I love you, and I love loving you because, hey, you're great." Perhaps it's the nature of the word. Love. That's a big word. A lot to absorb, I guess. You hear, "love", you may as well hear, Giant Megaton Oblivionbot That Wants To Give You Candy. I like that. I'm writing it down.
That's the thing though, is that Jesus told people he loved them when they were ready to hear it. He didn't just text book it out and hope people got it. He showed it to them. He met peoples needs, which is, I suppose, what we're called to do, but is it possible to show everybody that love all the time?
I thought if I took long enough I could. And now I have two weeks.
Maybe that's whats wrong with me. I feel like I've too much left undone, and no time left to do it. Even if no one I ever meet meets God like I feel I have as a result, I'd at least like nobody to be able to say when I die, "He didn't care about me." And I keep catching myself subconsciously mourning people who I don't feel I've shown I cared. Perhaps, my friends, I am depressed.
But what can you do? I'll make the most of the next - what - two, three weeks? God almighty. I hate the thought of it.
-AJ
You know what? Fine.
I love you. Thank you so, so much for being part of my life. Honest to God, I mean it.
Our move date has been set. I'd desperately hoped that it would be sometime after January 1st, but it seems fate has other things in mind. Or perhaps God has other things in mind. I've yet to decide.
Our buyers(Whom I've yet to even lay eyes on and have already decided I loathe) offered us one ninety eight. We were asking two forty. This house is worth well over three.
Mom and dad accepted.
And so now I'm leaving on December 16th, unless their finances get approved and the morons(our buyers) decide they want to close sooner. Who in their flipping right mind decides to move into a new house ten days before Christmas is beyond me. I'd like to say more on the subject, but I'll succeed only in becoming more angry.
I've taken care of things at work, and I suppose Maribeth is looking into the Supertargets in San Antonio. John has promised not to schedule me past the ninth, which will give me a week off to spend time with people and say my goodbyes. Or See You Laters. I still hope to come back. God willing it won't be long.
I've recently found myself in a strangely surreal state. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'll wake in the morning and my mind will start racing, I do believe madly at times, and then I'll trudge through my morning rituals and prepare for the day. By the time I get to Target I've slipped into something different, and I start thinking and saying different things. My mannerisms change. I speak my mind more liberally then I might ought to at times. It's weird.
Then I finish the day out, and it'll seem I've slipped again. I'll be exhausted, but all I want to do is stay up and vedge out. And talk to people. But not necessarily spend time with them. This bothers me more than anything. I have so little time left now, but for some reason I find myself wanting to sit on the internet and play video games over spending time with people like Katie and Neil. And I hate myself for it. As soon as I get in the car to leave on the morning of the sixteenth, I'll be hating myself for every moment I wasted. I hate myself for it now. Not in the literal sense, mind you, but in a manner that lends itself to leaving me... sad? Sad sounds like the right word. I've spent more and more time lately with people like Cherah and Paul and Neil. We even hung out at Erik's last night. Just, out of no where. On a whim. It was great. And then I run some sort of conscrewed process in my head where I think, momentarily, 'this is great, I should do this more often' And then later, I realize that that's impossible.
It bothers me.
And then at the end of the day I lay down to rest, and I can't fall asleep. My head starts running again with should have dones, shouldn't have dones, forgot to do's, want to do's, what I'll be doing tomorrow, who I'll miss the most when I leave, who I miss now. I think I'm losing my mind.
And then there's the second, and perhaps more important matter that rattles my mind without relent: Love.
Not of the romantic sense(while that does often seem to accompany it), but more the general appreciation of people and who they are and who God made them. Isn't that the point of it all? I've talked on this before, but I can't seem to reconcile(With myself? With God?) on where to stand. All this forgiveness and grace and consistency stuff, it's great. I love it. I love seeing it in people. I love it when I'm adequate to share it(however little it may be on some days) and it seems to bring everything into perspective, for me. I find it makes me a happier person when I'm able to shrug off little insignificant annoyances brought on by other people by the method, "God forgave them, why shouldn't I?". And it becomes even better when I see realness in them. Some glint of humanity between the irritation, and admittance of some insecurity, or even a genuine smile. It reminds me of God.
And even better still is getting to know someone. Finding out what makes them tick, what they love, what they hate, what makes them smile and what makes them cry. Finding out how they feel about life, love, money, the government, and why they feel that way. It's euphoric. Perhaps I love nothing more than knowing people. It brings everything back around and into perspective. People don't become scenery anymore. They become the precious and beautiful things God made them to be. And how beautiful they are.
Perhaps nothing frustrates me more than having this unbridled love for people and being unable to express it. That sounds so strange when I say it. But I seem to often find myself having a conversation with someone like Cherah or Keith or Marcus or Erik or Amanda or Matt or Ryan or Katie or John S and wanting to say, "Hey, you know, I care about you. Thank you for being part of my life." And I feel like I can't, because that would be strange.
That's what God is about to me. Love. Loving people. That's what Jesus was about. Sure, he talked about hell, but it was never about condemnation. It was, "This is what could happen, and I love you so much it'd break my heart if it did." That's why I get so frustrated when people talk about how they don't like, "Religion". Of course people don't like religion! It has NOTHING to do with God! Religion is a bunch of man-made rules and dogmatic bull that God never ordained. Of course, church can be a great thing. Communities of people who love God and love each other are a force that nothing on earth can truly hope to combat, yet finding one can be like ingesting a single grain of sand, and then sifting through your every bowel movement in hopes of finding it again. Gross.
People have screwed up church, and unfortunately, screwed up God in the eyes of a lot of people. How beautiful it would be if we could just hit Reset and start from the beginning. It's so simple when we let it be. God never wanted to confuse us.
I suppose in order to really get all that you'd have to have some faith base. And a lot of people don't. And that's okay. I'm not supposed to make people believe, I'm supposed to love them. And that's something I really enjoy doing. My problem much of the time is how to do it in a way that makes SENSE to people. I can't just say, "God loves both of us, so I love you, and I love loving you because, hey, you're great." Perhaps it's the nature of the word. Love. That's a big word. A lot to absorb, I guess. You hear, "love", you may as well hear, Giant Megaton Oblivionbot That Wants To Give You Candy. I like that. I'm writing it down.
That's the thing though, is that Jesus told people he loved them when they were ready to hear it. He didn't just text book it out and hope people got it. He showed it to them. He met peoples needs, which is, I suppose, what we're called to do, but is it possible to show everybody that love all the time?
I thought if I took long enough I could. And now I have two weeks.
Maybe that's whats wrong with me. I feel like I've too much left undone, and no time left to do it. Even if no one I ever meet meets God like I feel I have as a result, I'd at least like nobody to be able to say when I die, "He didn't care about me." And I keep catching myself subconsciously mourning people who I don't feel I've shown I cared. Perhaps, my friends, I am depressed.
But what can you do? I'll make the most of the next - what - two, three weeks? God almighty. I hate the thought of it.
-AJ
You know what? Fine.
I love you. Thank you so, so much for being part of my life. Honest to God, I mean it.