A wondering mind...
Through some recent conversations with friends and probably with the help of my pain pills, I find my mind recently buzzing with the thoughts of relationships. From friendships to relationships, all have perplexed me at some point in my life. By default I have always been good at being a friend then being a boy friend. Yet I find myself a lot in the position of an advice giver on the topic and concepts of a relationship. Which confuses me even more since I have very little experience in the topic, yet a lot of my advice seems to work. I guess it is easier to see someones problems without the emotional baggage the person with the problem has. Yet it always surprises me that I can't help myself in such matters. I'm not saying my friendships have been all sweet sailing either. Everyone has their ups and downs with friends. Many times when I try to make things better, I just making things worse. Even when I just want to show someone I appreciate them, it comes out awkward and makes the recipient scratching their head.
I have not always been so socially awkward. I remember in elementary school I was quite outgoing. My nickname was PingPong for goodness sake. One doesn't get that nickname hiding from social situations. But as I got older, I became more and more withdrawn. As I saw my friends forging new friendships and relationships, I found myself asking, why not me? As I said before, I have always been better at making friends than anything else. Girls started to be included in my friend circle. But this brought about unforeseen consequences. Sticking with just being the friend as I would always seem to be, me and said female friend would become close, without being close in a sense of a relationship. Then said female would get a boy friend and I would be left in the dust asking why did I bother becoming her friend? So started the cycle of finding a new friend, and loosing said friend quite quickly after becoming close friends. I guess this could be one of the reasons I have become withdrawn socially and unable to make many new friends at school. I don't want to be abandoned again, it rips me apart every time it happens, making me feel very stupid. My trust in people for the first time had become shaky as this was happening. Of course I did like people, but I could never bring up the courage to say anything until during the middle of high school.
The first person I ever admitted to likening in person was Amanda. I could write about that situation till my hands fell off, but I have long been over. But many mistakes were made on my part, as my inexperience with relationships hindered my ability to think straight. The good things to come out of it was the amount of knowledge I did gather for myself. I learned I took things too literally, got angry to quickly and was to blinded with excitement to see what was really going on. It was too bad, her and I where such good friends. Yet I let my crush slowly cut away at our friendship till there was nothing left of it. I never had a sour view on relationships until that happened. I then found them stupid and without point. But out of it I came out with a greater respect for the friends I still had and who had helped me through it.
But as one friendship was coming to an end, another one was just beginning (as it seems to always happen) between one of Amanda's friends Carrie and I. I still remember the first time she really spoke to me. She cracked a cripple joke about me because I was still on crutches from my first knee surgery, asked me how I was doing and hows the summer going, and it was at band camp. We started hanging out around the same people to hangout out together pretty quickly and we have been very good friends ever since. Sometimes it still baffles me how we became such good friends so quickly. One evening Carrie admitted that she made fun of me along with Amanda, which surprised me because I didn't know it was going on. But what surprised me more is that she actually admitted it out of the blue. But none the less, it gave me great respect in Carrie for apologizing. I can also remember the day I told Carrie i was starting to have feelings for her. I was so nervous, but Pat and Sam kept pushing me to do it. So I did and I got the response I knew I was going to get. So we would stay buddies and my respect for her grew because of her straight up honesty. That day I promised her I would be the best friend I could be, and I'd like to think I've kept that promise to the dot. I've taken her out to eat many times and followed her into what seem to be every shoe store in the mall. I like to think I make her happy in at least one way. It's good to have a friend you can totally rely on without any doubt. I know it has gotten me through a lot of hard times. Recently I told her how much I appreciate her and I think my over overbearingness did more harm than good. It happens a lot to me, when I shouldn't say anything, but I do anyway and it doesn't do any good. Just look at this entry, a little much right? But it is always good to write things down when ones mind is cluttered in thought.
As high school came to a close, my views on relationships hadn't changed a lot. After a string of disappointments I wasn't any closer to finding a girl friend then I was the beginning of middle school. As my friends left for their colleges I became even more withdrawn from the outside world. It is at this time freshmen year in college that I turned to chat rooms to find comfort in complete strangers. All of a sudden I met a girl in a chat room named Sam from New York. We got together very very well. We would talk every day on instant messenger and she was always in my thoughts. I remember one day she said that I should ask her out because she liked me. The concept of a long distance relationship scared me at first. How could a relationship exist when the two people involved haven't met and probably wont meet for a long time? Well I decided to give it a try because I liked Sam too, and it was worth a shot. So on January 2nd 2006, I finally had entered a relationship, well, a long distance one, but a relationship none the less. We got together so well at first, she was so cute and wonderful. She made me happy when I was sad, kept me company when there was no one around, and made me laugh with her incredible sense of humor. We started saying "I love you" to each other and things just kept getting better. Feeling such love was so foreign to me, but I new what it was from the start. I was so happy with her and I thought things couldn't get better. Well in a sad way I was right, it seemed things couldn't get better. We would soon start fighting, little at first, but more and more with every passing month. We broke up a few times as the months went on, but we always came back together because naturally we loved each other. The final signs of trouble started to appear in November. Since we had always stayed friends, we had always stayed talking. This of course didn't make me happy. Pat at this time was getting a girl friend of his own and eventually Sam asked me if I would take her back. I naturally said yes because I still loved her to death. We floated by through December and January. I went to Florida that January thinking everything was fine. But every time I would call when I was down there, she seemed uninterested in talking and seemed very down. See denied talking to me about what was bothering her until I would get home after the trip. She broke up with me once again after that trip. Through the next few months we went through the same cycle of her breaking up with me and us getting back together. All the while I loved her with all I had, again blind to what was going on. I believe it was May when the finally break up occurred and she told me that she hadn't really loved me since January when I got home. She told me that she wanted to stay friends but felt that she had to be with me to stay friends. Hearing this destroyed me. I have always seen people with broken hearts and thought how one could hurt so much, but this made me realize how it can help. My heart was broken, absolutely destroyed. How could she lie about loving me for so long just to stay friends. I went berserk. I didn't sleep for days. I constantly shook and cried. I tried to kill myself on two occasions the pain was so great and the betrayal so deep.
But there was one person who backed me down both times. That person was Carrie. Those two occasions cemented her great amazing buddy status in my eyes forever. I guess in a way I owe her my life.
But the heart ache didn't end with the break up. We still talked to each other against the advice of my friends. There was a point in June where she said she loved me and all this stuff and I actually started to believe it again. She said she had broken up with me because she wanted to be single for college. Why would she say she loved me for 6 months knowing this? What would be so important for being single in college? But being a fool, I believed. But her love for me was short lived, for the next day I learned that she had just gotten a new boy friend. Again, my heart was broken. Over the second half of the year 07', after breaking up with her new boy friend, she would say she loved me one day. Then like that, she wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. She said she was to busy. Time and time again she would break my heart until I got tired of picking up the pieces. My heart still lay shattered in the hallway of my darkened saddened soul to this day. She made me wonder, what in fact love was? Was it really real, or was it just all a lie. How could have I been so blind. I have never opened myself up to anyone in my whole life, and now I felt so vulnerable. As she was saying see loved me and being too busy, I never gained closure. What happened still bothers me to this day. There are still night in which I don't sleep. The pain was and still is so great that trusting someone like that again for a long time seems impossible. Even as I write this, I cry. For what I cry for I know not. I cry not for love because it is what caused this mess, I cry not for her because I know she is having the time of her life in college, I cry only for me, for I let my guard down and my heart was shattered. I will never let this happen again.
As I am today, I am a hollow shell. As emotionless as I can be. Emotions are the enemy, it is the emotion of love that hurt me so. I try to forget, I cover up all bad memories and pent them up in my mind. Normally I can control my emotions. But as you see, I can't hold them back all the time. Sometimes they come out as anger, but now they are coming back in witting.
Throughout the mess that was last summer, something did amazingly happen. My first kiss. Kristi was someone who added me to myspace because she thought I was cute and she enjoyed the things I did. She lived in Northern Illinois so the distance was far less. It happened in April I think when Sam had broke up with me. Kristi and I went to see a movie and thats where it happened. It was so sudden and i didn't expect it to happen. It was a weird feeling at first but then felt so natural. We kissed a lot during the movie, I don't even remember what we saw. But she wanted a relationship then and there and I was extremely unprepared to enter another relationship at the moment. I was still unstable from the break up and the distance while a lot shorter, scared the hell out of me. This was unacceptable to her and pretty much that was the last I saw of her, another chance lost. At least I got my first kiss, I just wish it was with someone a little more special.
As I said in June of last year, I was destroyed, distraught and had no self-respect. This would lead to the darkest day of my life. Being so distraught, some people from school were throwing a party. Usually I don't go to parties because I'm not that kind of person. But as I was, I didn't care anymore. So I went and of course I got crazy drunk. At this part there was a pretty slutty girl there whose name escapes me now. To make a long story short, I lost my virginity to that slutty girl. I was so disgusted in myself. What was I doing. My self respect was never as low as it was then. I looked back at myself in the mirror the next day, seeing someone who had their first kiss with someone he met once and will never see again, seeing someone who lost his virginity to some whore he wont see again. Luckily she was a relatively clean person and a relatively not pregnant person. That I was really great full. I had lost who I was, what I believed I was. I would have never carried myself like that. I had lost sight of my morals and myself. It was my darkest day on this world.
I am glad to say today that I have slowly been able to pick up the pieces of my self image and my heart. With each passing day, the hurt becomes less intense, and the memories that more distant. I will always hold the mental scars from these events, but if there is one thing I'm good at, is that I can always learn from any situation.
So now, here I am after 3 hours of aimless writing pondering so many questions in my mind. What is love? Is it real? Is it an illusion? Will I ever feel it again? Will I ever find someone? But I know the answers to some. I know I am a good person who is caring and will do anything for someone deserving of it. I will cook for them, make them happy when they are sad, make them laugh and keep them company. I know deep down that some day I am going to make someone very happy, that someday I will make someone feel special. Until that day I am left to ponder my questions, run things through my mind and as my birthday approaches, I wonder what kind of experiences life will have for me for the next 21 years. I guess I will just have to wait and see. All I know is 3 hours later and 2,786 words later, it feels really good to get things written down and out of my system. And thank god for all of my good friends who have been with my through the years. They are the true heroes in my life.
Here's to the losers-
I have not always been so socially awkward. I remember in elementary school I was quite outgoing. My nickname was PingPong for goodness sake. One doesn't get that nickname hiding from social situations. But as I got older, I became more and more withdrawn. As I saw my friends forging new friendships and relationships, I found myself asking, why not me? As I said before, I have always been better at making friends than anything else. Girls started to be included in my friend circle. But this brought about unforeseen consequences. Sticking with just being the friend as I would always seem to be, me and said female friend would become close, without being close in a sense of a relationship. Then said female would get a boy friend and I would be left in the dust asking why did I bother becoming her friend? So started the cycle of finding a new friend, and loosing said friend quite quickly after becoming close friends. I guess this could be one of the reasons I have become withdrawn socially and unable to make many new friends at school. I don't want to be abandoned again, it rips me apart every time it happens, making me feel very stupid. My trust in people for the first time had become shaky as this was happening. Of course I did like people, but I could never bring up the courage to say anything until during the middle of high school.
The first person I ever admitted to likening in person was Amanda. I could write about that situation till my hands fell off, but I have long been over. But many mistakes were made on my part, as my inexperience with relationships hindered my ability to think straight. The good things to come out of it was the amount of knowledge I did gather for myself. I learned I took things too literally, got angry to quickly and was to blinded with excitement to see what was really going on. It was too bad, her and I where such good friends. Yet I let my crush slowly cut away at our friendship till there was nothing left of it. I never had a sour view on relationships until that happened. I then found them stupid and without point. But out of it I came out with a greater respect for the friends I still had and who had helped me through it.
But as one friendship was coming to an end, another one was just beginning (as it seems to always happen) between one of Amanda's friends Carrie and I. I still remember the first time she really spoke to me. She cracked a cripple joke about me because I was still on crutches from my first knee surgery, asked me how I was doing and hows the summer going, and it was at band camp. We started hanging out around the same people to hangout out together pretty quickly and we have been very good friends ever since. Sometimes it still baffles me how we became such good friends so quickly. One evening Carrie admitted that she made fun of me along with Amanda, which surprised me because I didn't know it was going on. But what surprised me more is that she actually admitted it out of the blue. But none the less, it gave me great respect in Carrie for apologizing. I can also remember the day I told Carrie i was starting to have feelings for her. I was so nervous, but Pat and Sam kept pushing me to do it. So I did and I got the response I knew I was going to get. So we would stay buddies and my respect for her grew because of her straight up honesty. That day I promised her I would be the best friend I could be, and I'd like to think I've kept that promise to the dot. I've taken her out to eat many times and followed her into what seem to be every shoe store in the mall. I like to think I make her happy in at least one way. It's good to have a friend you can totally rely on without any doubt. I know it has gotten me through a lot of hard times. Recently I told her how much I appreciate her and I think my over overbearingness did more harm than good. It happens a lot to me, when I shouldn't say anything, but I do anyway and it doesn't do any good. Just look at this entry, a little much right? But it is always good to write things down when ones mind is cluttered in thought.
As high school came to a close, my views on relationships hadn't changed a lot. After a string of disappointments I wasn't any closer to finding a girl friend then I was the beginning of middle school. As my friends left for their colleges I became even more withdrawn from the outside world. It is at this time freshmen year in college that I turned to chat rooms to find comfort in complete strangers. All of a sudden I met a girl in a chat room named Sam from New York. We got together very very well. We would talk every day on instant messenger and she was always in my thoughts. I remember one day she said that I should ask her out because she liked me. The concept of a long distance relationship scared me at first. How could a relationship exist when the two people involved haven't met and probably wont meet for a long time? Well I decided to give it a try because I liked Sam too, and it was worth a shot. So on January 2nd 2006, I finally had entered a relationship, well, a long distance one, but a relationship none the less. We got together so well at first, she was so cute and wonderful. She made me happy when I was sad, kept me company when there was no one around, and made me laugh with her incredible sense of humor. We started saying "I love you" to each other and things just kept getting better. Feeling such love was so foreign to me, but I new what it was from the start. I was so happy with her and I thought things couldn't get better. Well in a sad way I was right, it seemed things couldn't get better. We would soon start fighting, little at first, but more and more with every passing month. We broke up a few times as the months went on, but we always came back together because naturally we loved each other. The final signs of trouble started to appear in November. Since we had always stayed friends, we had always stayed talking. This of course didn't make me happy. Pat at this time was getting a girl friend of his own and eventually Sam asked me if I would take her back. I naturally said yes because I still loved her to death. We floated by through December and January. I went to Florida that January thinking everything was fine. But every time I would call when I was down there, she seemed uninterested in talking and seemed very down. See denied talking to me about what was bothering her until I would get home after the trip. She broke up with me once again after that trip. Through the next few months we went through the same cycle of her breaking up with me and us getting back together. All the while I loved her with all I had, again blind to what was going on. I believe it was May when the finally break up occurred and she told me that she hadn't really loved me since January when I got home. She told me that she wanted to stay friends but felt that she had to be with me to stay friends. Hearing this destroyed me. I have always seen people with broken hearts and thought how one could hurt so much, but this made me realize how it can help. My heart was broken, absolutely destroyed. How could she lie about loving me for so long just to stay friends. I went berserk. I didn't sleep for days. I constantly shook and cried. I tried to kill myself on two occasions the pain was so great and the betrayal so deep.
But there was one person who backed me down both times. That person was Carrie. Those two occasions cemented her great amazing buddy status in my eyes forever. I guess in a way I owe her my life.
But the heart ache didn't end with the break up. We still talked to each other against the advice of my friends. There was a point in June where she said she loved me and all this stuff and I actually started to believe it again. She said she had broken up with me because she wanted to be single for college. Why would she say she loved me for 6 months knowing this? What would be so important for being single in college? But being a fool, I believed. But her love for me was short lived, for the next day I learned that she had just gotten a new boy friend. Again, my heart was broken. Over the second half of the year 07', after breaking up with her new boy friend, she would say she loved me one day. Then like that, she wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. She said she was to busy. Time and time again she would break my heart until I got tired of picking up the pieces. My heart still lay shattered in the hallway of my darkened saddened soul to this day. She made me wonder, what in fact love was? Was it really real, or was it just all a lie. How could have I been so blind. I have never opened myself up to anyone in my whole life, and now I felt so vulnerable. As she was saying see loved me and being too busy, I never gained closure. What happened still bothers me to this day. There are still night in which I don't sleep. The pain was and still is so great that trusting someone like that again for a long time seems impossible. Even as I write this, I cry. For what I cry for I know not. I cry not for love because it is what caused this mess, I cry not for her because I know she is having the time of her life in college, I cry only for me, for I let my guard down and my heart was shattered. I will never let this happen again.
As I am today, I am a hollow shell. As emotionless as I can be. Emotions are the enemy, it is the emotion of love that hurt me so. I try to forget, I cover up all bad memories and pent them up in my mind. Normally I can control my emotions. But as you see, I can't hold them back all the time. Sometimes they come out as anger, but now they are coming back in witting.
Throughout the mess that was last summer, something did amazingly happen. My first kiss. Kristi was someone who added me to myspace because she thought I was cute and she enjoyed the things I did. She lived in Northern Illinois so the distance was far less. It happened in April I think when Sam had broke up with me. Kristi and I went to see a movie and thats where it happened. It was so sudden and i didn't expect it to happen. It was a weird feeling at first but then felt so natural. We kissed a lot during the movie, I don't even remember what we saw. But she wanted a relationship then and there and I was extremely unprepared to enter another relationship at the moment. I was still unstable from the break up and the distance while a lot shorter, scared the hell out of me. This was unacceptable to her and pretty much that was the last I saw of her, another chance lost. At least I got my first kiss, I just wish it was with someone a little more special.
As I said in June of last year, I was destroyed, distraught and had no self-respect. This would lead to the darkest day of my life. Being so distraught, some people from school were throwing a party. Usually I don't go to parties because I'm not that kind of person. But as I was, I didn't care anymore. So I went and of course I got crazy drunk. At this part there was a pretty slutty girl there whose name escapes me now. To make a long story short, I lost my virginity to that slutty girl. I was so disgusted in myself. What was I doing. My self respect was never as low as it was then. I looked back at myself in the mirror the next day, seeing someone who had their first kiss with someone he met once and will never see again, seeing someone who lost his virginity to some whore he wont see again. Luckily she was a relatively clean person and a relatively not pregnant person. That I was really great full. I had lost who I was, what I believed I was. I would have never carried myself like that. I had lost sight of my morals and myself. It was my darkest day on this world.
I am glad to say today that I have slowly been able to pick up the pieces of my self image and my heart. With each passing day, the hurt becomes less intense, and the memories that more distant. I will always hold the mental scars from these events, but if there is one thing I'm good at, is that I can always learn from any situation.
So now, here I am after 3 hours of aimless writing pondering so many questions in my mind. What is love? Is it real? Is it an illusion? Will I ever feel it again? Will I ever find someone? But I know the answers to some. I know I am a good person who is caring and will do anything for someone deserving of it. I will cook for them, make them happy when they are sad, make them laugh and keep them company. I know deep down that some day I am going to make someone very happy, that someday I will make someone feel special. Until that day I am left to ponder my questions, run things through my mind and as my birthday approaches, I wonder what kind of experiences life will have for me for the next 21 years. I guess I will just have to wait and see. All I know is 3 hours later and 2,786 words later, it feels really good to get things written down and out of my system. And thank god for all of my good friends who have been with my through the years. They are the true heroes in my life.
Here's to the losers-
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