a weird sort of break-up
which way to go?
So it was the last session with Monrovia, two days after the first session with Kathy.
I didn't want Monrovia to feel bad that I was leaving her practice. It wasn't that I was dissatisfied with her as a therapist (I thought I could have been a better patient, in fact), but that it's purely economics. Me paying more per month for therapy than my health insurance premiums - especially to an out-of-network therapist - simply isn't something I can sustain, even if somebody else is paying.
Kathy is old school with her therapy, as far as I can tell. She's already planning her coordination with Monrovia, with my psychiatrist, and my regular physician. She's also on me about diet soda, exercise, and commitment to defying depression every day. Monrovia was concerned that perhaps she hadn't been as direct in creating solutions for me, but half of that job is mine.
I'm not sure how I feel about any of this.
Therapy is something I need to be in, but I've never been exactly sure why, what I'm supposed to be looking for or accomplishing. Where is all this energy ultimately aimed?
How fucked up is this: I'm more concerned with hurting my therapist's feelings than I am about setting things up to be better for me. It's nice having a person to actually talk to about what I'm thinking or feeling, but ultimately I'm still stuck and hovering near existential oblivion.
And there's always that “starting over is a pain in the ass” thing, but Kathy is on that as well. She took a big bite of my history in the first hour, and though I haven't formed much in the way of therapeutic goals, that's probably just me having far-too-high expectations for her, and even higher expectations for myself.
I feel like I should be blasted apart and rebuilt from scratch, but I have no real idea of how to go about it, and the timing at this point in my life seems completely wrong. And that's my own fault ultimately.
I don't know why I expect that someone else has it in them to make me like myself. I also don't see how my brain can ever get to that point on its own or even with assistance.
The only think I know now is that I know nothing.