I should be packing...
Why is it when I should be doing something, that I have absolutely no desire to do so?
Nic, I completely take back the teasing from when you didn't feel like packing. I'm surrounded by clutter and have no drive to pack it away. So I present to you my response!
Here is my rebuttal to
nicole_veronica's thoughts on Meredith, Addison, and Derek. Found here.
However I do need to pack, so I'm going to break this into three sections and start with (what in my estimation) is the most misunderstood first: Derek.
I don't think Derek is as much of an ass as you might think based on my comments in various chats. No seriously, hear me out...
Derek made a very hard choice. He could've stayed in a marriage with a wife that he didn't trust and (at the time) didn't even like or he could throw away eleven years of marriage for a relationship that was about two months old. And here's why I don't blame him for staying with Addison: the wife show's up, he bares his soul to Meredith by telling her about finding Addison in bed with Mark. Clearly Derek favors denial and pretending people or situations don't exist. So the entire time he'd been in Seattle, he'd been pretending Addison didn't exist, that his marriage hadn't failed, and that his best friend hadn't stabbed him in the back.
Him telling Meredith about this was huge, because although he had told her about himself before hand, he had never really told her anything big. Confiding in her about Addison was his grand gesture, similar to when Meredith told him about her mother. In some part of his mind, Derek probably thought that by telling her that, Meredith would realize he was willing to invest in their relationship and things would be fine-- Addison would go back to New York and he and Meredith would start over again.
Only by this point Derek had broken Meredith so much that no confession would be enough. So what next? After Meredith started avoid Derek, he begins to emotionally distance himself from Meredith and all the while Addison begins reminding him that she is the woman he married and she wants to work things out. In his simple guy-mind, I imagine it translates to this: Hot girlfriend? Not speaking to me. Hot wife? Wanting to reconcile. You can't fault him too much for not rushing off to Meredith when she kisses him.
Why? Because Meredith is ruled by her emotions. Derek is ruled by emotions also, but he tries to be ruled by reason, no doubt a result by being a brain surgeon. So Derek couldn't be entirely sure that Meredith (whom he'd only known for two months) wouldn't decide later that something Derek had done "wasn't enough" all over again. He probably deluded himself to some extent as well, by thinking that what he felt for Addison when they got married would come back. I mean, the woman flew across the country and was telling him all sorts of things that she still loved him and she missed him and Mark was a mistake. It would be hard not to become caught up with that when your girlfriend of two months is telling you to stop following her and that nothing is ever enough.
With that in mind, Meredith starts talking to him again, but he's already playing the "what if" game with himself. What if he stays with Addison? What if they can make it work? Then factor in all the ugly what ifs with Meredith. What if she becomes angry again over something he didn't want to share with her? What if it's not enough again?
But Derek doesn't want to tip his hand too soon, because Addison did cheat on him and he did move 3000+ miles to get away from her, so he should proceed with caution. In my life, I'd equate this to when there was a guy who I had quite the history with and a guy that there was potential with. The old guy was saying all the right things (even if they were just words and not actions) and it's hard not to get caught up with that, even if you try to keep your distance. We've all been in times like this... at least, I imagine most of us have.
And then Addison presents the divorce papers (I'll get into her motivation in a later section... probably the second section). So Derek, who wants to be the good guy, who doesn't want to think of himself as 40-ish and divorced. Given how huge his family is --(14 kids between 4 sisters?! That's 3.5 kids per sister!) he was most likely the black sheep of the family for not settling down and having a children. I expect we'll learn more about this in Season 3 or 4. And no matter how well things were going with Meredith, it's still an eleven year marriage he was faced with ending.
The angst is amazing. And Derek makes a decision.
(Sidenote: I really do think that he chose Meredith originally and, after the girl with the pole in her made that comment about love not being enough he realized that love wouldn't be enough for him and Meredith. But that is an analysis for another day.)
Keep in mind, his character hasn't been happy in a long time. That's part of the whole frustration and the "Derek is an ass" feelings, because where'd that character from Season 1 that we loved so much go? We're left with this depressed shell of a man and wanders around like a depressed puppy. If he was truely happy playing the field, wouldn't we have seen him, well... happy?
And when Derek decides to go with history and family he still loves Meredith! He hadn't realized that he loved Meredith at this point because it was still in the happy stages of infatuation where everything is cute and funny and wonderful. But he still loved Meredith and he was denying his emotions to do what he thought was the rational-- the right thing to do. Thinking with his rational mind, it would be very easy to convince himself that after only two months those feelings would fade very easily as he fell back in love with his wife that he loved for longer than two months.
Only problem is that those feelings didn't go away. And while Meredith is trying to forget her issues by sleeping with random men, Derek comes face-to-face with one of these men inside the hospital. And it hurts, and he's jealous. And this is Derek who doesn't get jealous. We've heard that from various characters. Derek himself told Meredith in "Winning a Battle, Losing a War" that he "doesn't get jealous." Mark tells Meredith in "Yesterday" that when Derek found Addison and Mark in bed, he simply walked away, no fight, no nothing. But when Mark so much as smiles at Meredith, Derek's punched him in the face. I mean, no wonder Addison was so upset when she realized that Derek was giving Meredith the cold shoulder because he was jealous! Derek Shepherd doesn't get jealous! At least, NewYork!Derek doesn't get jealous. But Seattle!Derek does.
So Derek's forced with this huge internal battle because he's (probably for the first time in his life) jealous over a girl. He most certainly didn't get jealous over Addison, and it stands to reason that Addison might've been hoping to elicit such jealousy when she slept with Mark. But that's another section for another character.
While Derek's thinking that he'll fall back in love with his wife, he keeps thinking about Meredith and worrying about Meredith. And only Meredith and not his wife. What he thought was just the warm fuzzies of the first phases of a relationship have turned into a single-minded obsession. Eventually he breaks and tells Addison-- maybe he thought it would go away if he acknowledge it, because you can't overcome what you don't acknowledge.
But during this time he and Addison have been living together and he's been trying to be a good husband and trying to fall back in love with his wife. It's just pretty difficult when he keeps running into the object of his infatuation on a daily basis. That relationship that was never "officially" ended follows him around. It doesn't help that Meredith almost gets blown up and Derek freaks out, because he still loves her. It also doesn't help that he knows she still loves him. ("I can't remember our last kiss.") Seriously, how easy is it for him to just snap his fingers and get over her?
I imagine his internal dialogue went a little something like this:
"Hey there goes Meredith, my constant reminder of all the wild, crazy, passionate sex we had during the two months I was pretending my estranged wife didn't exist."
Mind over matter? Yeah, that's a load of crap. The idea that you can convince yourself to get over someone just by setting your mind to it is a denial of emotions and frankly, a denial of self. And Derek is a prime example of this. He's a victim of the idea that you can rule your emotions by sheer willpower, which, as a brain surgeon... hello! Of course he's going to try to live by this ideal!
So Derek keeps trying because he thinks that if he keeps reminding himself to love his wife and to get over his girlfriend, then eventually he will. And it's not that he hates Addison-- the original hostility was mostly lashing out. His pride was hurt, after all. His best friend and his wife slept together. And frankly, Addison's character is a pretty awesome one. I know I'd want to be friends with her, and I most certainly would not want to be on her bad side. And even if Derek doesn't love her, he respects her and he likes her and there's a history there.
Eventually Derek finally realizes two things A) he's not going to fall in love with Addison in any way that he would be satisfied with considering B) he's not going to get over Meredith. Unfortunately, by the time he finally realizes this, Meredith's working full-time to get over him. So if Derek's going to allow his repressed emotions to bubble up to the surface, what should he do? Oooh, looks like it's time for a big gesture!
Which leads us to the mother of all big gestures: the Exam Room.
Derek's Grand Gesture: he denied all rationality and allowed his emotions to control him. Which is huge, not only because of who he is, and what he stands for, but also because he's a freaking brain surgeon, so he's bound to place the head over the heart! And then he asked Meredith what it all meant-- basically giving her the power to call the shots. I highly doubt she'll see it as such, but that's also another section.
Derek's not an ass. He's not trying to play the field. I love to make fun of Derek and call him all sorts of snarky things, but he's still McDreamy. He desperately wants to do the right thing, even if it comes at the expense of everything he feels. However, when he finally reaches the breaking point, he does just that... he breaks.
So I need to work on packing again. But here's part 1 of 3 in my little character analysis.
On to part 2 of 3.
(Oh, and Les? You'd so better comment on this since I just went to bat for your boy.)
Nic, I completely take back the teasing from when you didn't feel like packing. I'm surrounded by clutter and have no drive to pack it away. So I present to you my response!
Here is my rebuttal to
nicole_veronica's thoughts on Meredith, Addison, and Derek. Found here.
However I do need to pack, so I'm going to break this into three sections and start with (what in my estimation) is the most misunderstood first: Derek.
I don't think Derek is as much of an ass as you might think based on my comments in various chats. No seriously, hear me out...
Derek made a very hard choice. He could've stayed in a marriage with a wife that he didn't trust and (at the time) didn't even like or he could throw away eleven years of marriage for a relationship that was about two months old. And here's why I don't blame him for staying with Addison: the wife show's up, he bares his soul to Meredith by telling her about finding Addison in bed with Mark. Clearly Derek favors denial and pretending people or situations don't exist. So the entire time he'd been in Seattle, he'd been pretending Addison didn't exist, that his marriage hadn't failed, and that his best friend hadn't stabbed him in the back.
Him telling Meredith about this was huge, because although he had told her about himself before hand, he had never really told her anything big. Confiding in her about Addison was his grand gesture, similar to when Meredith told him about her mother. In some part of his mind, Derek probably thought that by telling her that, Meredith would realize he was willing to invest in their relationship and things would be fine-- Addison would go back to New York and he and Meredith would start over again.
Only by this point Derek had broken Meredith so much that no confession would be enough. So what next? After Meredith started avoid Derek, he begins to emotionally distance himself from Meredith and all the while Addison begins reminding him that she is the woman he married and she wants to work things out. In his simple guy-mind, I imagine it translates to this: Hot girlfriend? Not speaking to me. Hot wife? Wanting to reconcile. You can't fault him too much for not rushing off to Meredith when she kisses him.
Why? Because Meredith is ruled by her emotions. Derek is ruled by emotions also, but he tries to be ruled by reason, no doubt a result by being a brain surgeon. So Derek couldn't be entirely sure that Meredith (whom he'd only known for two months) wouldn't decide later that something Derek had done "wasn't enough" all over again. He probably deluded himself to some extent as well, by thinking that what he felt for Addison when they got married would come back. I mean, the woman flew across the country and was telling him all sorts of things that she still loved him and she missed him and Mark was a mistake. It would be hard not to become caught up with that when your girlfriend of two months is telling you to stop following her and that nothing is ever enough.
With that in mind, Meredith starts talking to him again, but he's already playing the "what if" game with himself. What if he stays with Addison? What if they can make it work? Then factor in all the ugly what ifs with Meredith. What if she becomes angry again over something he didn't want to share with her? What if it's not enough again?
But Derek doesn't want to tip his hand too soon, because Addison did cheat on him and he did move 3000+ miles to get away from her, so he should proceed with caution. In my life, I'd equate this to when there was a guy who I had quite the history with and a guy that there was potential with. The old guy was saying all the right things (even if they were just words and not actions) and it's hard not to get caught up with that, even if you try to keep your distance. We've all been in times like this... at least, I imagine most of us have.
And then Addison presents the divorce papers (I'll get into her motivation in a later section... probably the second section). So Derek, who wants to be the good guy, who doesn't want to think of himself as 40-ish and divorced. Given how huge his family is --(14 kids between 4 sisters?! That's 3.5 kids per sister!) he was most likely the black sheep of the family for not settling down and having a children. I expect we'll learn more about this in Season 3 or 4. And no matter how well things were going with Meredith, it's still an eleven year marriage he was faced with ending.
The angst is amazing. And Derek makes a decision.
(Sidenote: I really do think that he chose Meredith originally and, after the girl with the pole in her made that comment about love not being enough he realized that love wouldn't be enough for him and Meredith. But that is an analysis for another day.)
Keep in mind, his character hasn't been happy in a long time. That's part of the whole frustration and the "Derek is an ass" feelings, because where'd that character from Season 1 that we loved so much go? We're left with this depressed shell of a man and wanders around like a depressed puppy. If he was truely happy playing the field, wouldn't we have seen him, well... happy?
And when Derek decides to go with history and family he still loves Meredith! He hadn't realized that he loved Meredith at this point because it was still in the happy stages of infatuation where everything is cute and funny and wonderful. But he still loved Meredith and he was denying his emotions to do what he thought was the rational-- the right thing to do. Thinking with his rational mind, it would be very easy to convince himself that after only two months those feelings would fade very easily as he fell back in love with his wife that he loved for longer than two months.
Only problem is that those feelings didn't go away. And while Meredith is trying to forget her issues by sleeping with random men, Derek comes face-to-face with one of these men inside the hospital. And it hurts, and he's jealous. And this is Derek who doesn't get jealous. We've heard that from various characters. Derek himself told Meredith in "Winning a Battle, Losing a War" that he "doesn't get jealous." Mark tells Meredith in "Yesterday" that when Derek found Addison and Mark in bed, he simply walked away, no fight, no nothing. But when Mark so much as smiles at Meredith, Derek's punched him in the face. I mean, no wonder Addison was so upset when she realized that Derek was giving Meredith the cold shoulder because he was jealous! Derek Shepherd doesn't get jealous! At least, NewYork!Derek doesn't get jealous. But Seattle!Derek does.
So Derek's forced with this huge internal battle because he's (probably for the first time in his life) jealous over a girl. He most certainly didn't get jealous over Addison, and it stands to reason that Addison might've been hoping to elicit such jealousy when she slept with Mark. But that's another section for another character.
While Derek's thinking that he'll fall back in love with his wife, he keeps thinking about Meredith and worrying about Meredith. And only Meredith and not his wife. What he thought was just the warm fuzzies of the first phases of a relationship have turned into a single-minded obsession. Eventually he breaks and tells Addison-- maybe he thought it would go away if he acknowledge it, because you can't overcome what you don't acknowledge.
But during this time he and Addison have been living together and he's been trying to be a good husband and trying to fall back in love with his wife. It's just pretty difficult when he keeps running into the object of his infatuation on a daily basis. That relationship that was never "officially" ended follows him around. It doesn't help that Meredith almost gets blown up and Derek freaks out, because he still loves her. It also doesn't help that he knows she still loves him. ("I can't remember our last kiss.") Seriously, how easy is it for him to just snap his fingers and get over her?
I imagine his internal dialogue went a little something like this:
"Hey there goes Meredith, my constant reminder of all the wild, crazy, passionate sex we had during the two months I was pretending my estranged wife didn't exist."
Mind over matter? Yeah, that's a load of crap. The idea that you can convince yourself to get over someone just by setting your mind to it is a denial of emotions and frankly, a denial of self. And Derek is a prime example of this. He's a victim of the idea that you can rule your emotions by sheer willpower, which, as a brain surgeon... hello! Of course he's going to try to live by this ideal!
So Derek keeps trying because he thinks that if he keeps reminding himself to love his wife and to get over his girlfriend, then eventually he will. And it's not that he hates Addison-- the original hostility was mostly lashing out. His pride was hurt, after all. His best friend and his wife slept together. And frankly, Addison's character is a pretty awesome one. I know I'd want to be friends with her, and I most certainly would not want to be on her bad side. And even if Derek doesn't love her, he respects her and he likes her and there's a history there.
Eventually Derek finally realizes two things A) he's not going to fall in love with Addison in any way that he would be satisfied with considering B) he's not going to get over Meredith. Unfortunately, by the time he finally realizes this, Meredith's working full-time to get over him. So if Derek's going to allow his repressed emotions to bubble up to the surface, what should he do? Oooh, looks like it's time for a big gesture!
Which leads us to the mother of all big gestures: the Exam Room.
Derek's Grand Gesture: he denied all rationality and allowed his emotions to control him. Which is huge, not only because of who he is, and what he stands for, but also because he's a freaking brain surgeon, so he's bound to place the head over the heart! And then he asked Meredith what it all meant-- basically giving her the power to call the shots. I highly doubt she'll see it as such, but that's also another section.
Derek's not an ass. He's not trying to play the field. I love to make fun of Derek and call him all sorts of snarky things, but he's still McDreamy. He desperately wants to do the right thing, even if it comes at the expense of everything he feels. However, when he finally reaches the breaking point, he does just that... he breaks.
So I need to work on packing again. But here's part 1 of 3 in my little character analysis.
On to part 2 of 3.
(Oh, and Les? You'd so better comment on this since I just went to bat for your boy.)