The Flight of the Flu
Some of you may have heard about this already, but there is an impending epidemic that is sweeping the world. It is called the Avian Flu. It is also known as Bird Flu, Bird Disease, Flying Flu, Flying Aviators, Aviationary Flu, Flu of Aviation, Avian Avianarian Disease, Disease Flu Aviators, Aviatory Aviation Aviationary Aviatory Aviers and Don't Eat Chicken.
I am worried about this new type of flu and I think that it is important that we keep on our toes about it. It is a very serious situation that could wreak havoc at any moment. Here are a few ways to avoid disease and best be prepared for it when it does hit.
1. It is vital that we do not let the birds know that they have the upper hand. Birds are not the smartest animals, so we're ok right now, but if you start talking about Avian Flu in the presence of birds, it is likely that they'll find out how scared we are. And once they know how scared we are it is only a matter of time before the birds take over and start a new world order.
2. If you hear a bird sing anything that sounds like "Avian Flu-die whoo" or "Caw-Cough-Cough" or maybe even "Tweet Tweet," then BEWARE for that bird may be infected.
3. I am currently urging the government to start a new public service campaign urging people to kill as many birds as they can. My reasoning: If there are no birds, then there is no bird flu. The campaign slogan: "Birdicide or Genocide? You Decide."
4. Don't eat chicken, turkey or any other bird-related meats. I know that it is called Flying Aviators, but even birds that don't fly can get the disease. Also don't eat the beef, it will give you mad cow disease. Don't eat the fish because everyone knows that fish makes people ill. You may be allergic and you won't even know it, until you're DEAD...and then who's to say that you "know it" because what kind of state are you even in after death, hmph, chew on that for a while. But don't chew on pork, bacon or other pig related foods, because you may be Jewish and you won't even know it...until you're DEAD, then you'll know that you're Jewish because you'll be...(psst. what happens to Jewish people after they die?). Anywhoo, don't eat meat.
5. When you look up into the sky and say, "Look, it's a bird!" you better hope that you can follow that up with, "No, it's a plane." Or even, "No, it's Superman!"
6. The BBC reports that after a strain of the virus was found in the Turkish village of Kiziksa, "A 3km (two-mile) quarantine zone is to remain in place around Kiziksa for the next three weeks. Thousands of birds in the area have been culled." I sure hope that "culled" means the same thing as "killed."
7. Seal your windows with Duct Tape.
8. Let me tell you how Aviationary Epidemicers is spread according to CDC.gov (the center for disease control): "Infected birds shed flu virus in their saliva, nasal secretions, and feces. Susceptible birds become infected when they have contact with contaminated excretions or surfaces that are contaminated with excretions." Thanks, because I wasn't trying my best to stay away from various bird secretions and excretions before. Excretions, secretions, feces, susceptible, nasal, saliva, contaminated, infected, excretions (again). How many gross sounding words can you fit in two sentences?
and finally...
9. Please, don't touch me. No, not because I have aviatorical influenza or that I think you have it. I just don't like being touched. Thanks.
I am worried about this new type of flu and I think that it is important that we keep on our toes about it. It is a very serious situation that could wreak havoc at any moment. Here are a few ways to avoid disease and best be prepared for it when it does hit.
1. It is vital that we do not let the birds know that they have the upper hand. Birds are not the smartest animals, so we're ok right now, but if you start talking about Avian Flu in the presence of birds, it is likely that they'll find out how scared we are. And once they know how scared we are it is only a matter of time before the birds take over and start a new world order.
2. If you hear a bird sing anything that sounds like "Avian Flu-die whoo" or "Caw-Cough-Cough" or maybe even "Tweet Tweet," then BEWARE for that bird may be infected.
3. I am currently urging the government to start a new public service campaign urging people to kill as many birds as they can. My reasoning: If there are no birds, then there is no bird flu. The campaign slogan: "Birdicide or Genocide? You Decide."
4. Don't eat chicken, turkey or any other bird-related meats. I know that it is called Flying Aviators, but even birds that don't fly can get the disease. Also don't eat the beef, it will give you mad cow disease. Don't eat the fish because everyone knows that fish makes people ill. You may be allergic and you won't even know it, until you're DEAD...and then who's to say that you "know it" because what kind of state are you even in after death, hmph, chew on that for a while. But don't chew on pork, bacon or other pig related foods, because you may be Jewish and you won't even know it...until you're DEAD, then you'll know that you're Jewish because you'll be...(psst. what happens to Jewish people after they die?). Anywhoo, don't eat meat.
5. When you look up into the sky and say, "Look, it's a bird!" you better hope that you can follow that up with, "No, it's a plane." Or even, "No, it's Superman!"
6. The BBC reports that after a strain of the virus was found in the Turkish village of Kiziksa, "A 3km (two-mile) quarantine zone is to remain in place around Kiziksa for the next three weeks. Thousands of birds in the area have been culled." I sure hope that "culled" means the same thing as "killed."
7. Seal your windows with Duct Tape.
8. Let me tell you how Aviationary Epidemicers is spread according to CDC.gov (the center for disease control): "Infected birds shed flu virus in their saliva, nasal secretions, and feces. Susceptible birds become infected when they have contact with contaminated excretions or surfaces that are contaminated with excretions." Thanks, because I wasn't trying my best to stay away from various bird secretions and excretions before. Excretions, secretions, feces, susceptible, nasal, saliva, contaminated, infected, excretions (again). How many gross sounding words can you fit in two sentences?
and finally...
9. Please, don't touch me. No, not because I have aviatorical influenza or that I think you have it. I just don't like being touched. Thanks.