19...Long Shot.
I guess I can't be too mad at myself. My perception of life wasn't what it is now, at the time in my life anything was possible. "House" was a game I played, where, I always pretended to be 19. But I would never grow up, and if I did...I was going to be a singer and tour all over the world. My childhood self would be upset to know that I haven't even taken the first steps toward a career in music. That, being 19 is not what I thought it would be like at all...in fact it's the opposite. I imagined myself with my life all figured out. Dating the perfect guy that I would marry, at the college I wanted to be at, not living at home (I would have moved out on my 18th birthday), far far away from my mother, on the fast track to fame and fortune. But I can honestly say this is the worst start to another year on this planet. James is everywhere lately. Does he really love me like he says he does? Because I really can't see it through his actions. What happened to him loving more than anything to the idea that it was us against the world? My thoughts swirl around in my mind when it comes to him. I am losing my stability. Before it was so simple, easy, fun. Now it's work, stress, unhappiness. And as far as I can tell, I am the only one dragging the dead weight around. I guess my strand of disappointments is going to continue. I thought I was over that stage in my life. But instead I am back where I was. In a helpless position. I don't have a job no matter how hard I try to find one. No matter what I do to please my mom, it's not enough and I am wasting my life away. That is unless, I do what she wants me to do. It's always been like that. The sad thing is, I let my thick skin shed while I was away at college. I thought she had changed and I knew that I had. I thought our relationship was different, but it was a trick. She never took me seriously as an adult. She'll never take me seriously as anyone other than someone that is beneath her. As much as she says she wants me to have a different life than she did, she doesn't. Everyday she reminds me of what she went through as a teenager and how much better I have it, how I'll never be on her level until I face the fate she had to. Well, I am not going to apologize for having dreams and goals. I am not going to apologize for not getting knocked up at 18. I am not going to apologize for falling in love. I am not going to apologize for thinking I am worth something. I am not going to apologize for trying my hardest but sometimes failing. I am not going to apologize for not apologizing. I am not going to apologize for being human and being who I am. And more importantly, I am not going to change just because she wants me to. I am not going to change for anyone. Ever. One gift my mom has given me is strength. I know who I am and no one is going to tell me differently. No one can break me but me. And I can't depend on anyone but myself and God. For so long I believed I could. Well, the last person has broken my heart. I have let the wrong person in for the last time. This time won't be like the others. I won't spend years getting over this. I will move on. From everything. I have to make a life for myself, by myself. 19...I set myself up. But I can't be too mad at myself. My perception of life was different, at that time in my life anything was possible. No, I can't be too mad at myself, I'll need to depend on myself to get through everything I am about to face. The storm is brewing.