Why I realised Priesthood wasn't for me
My own sense of calling, that ever present inner turmoil pushing me inexorably towards a destination that seemed alien and remote, began within me and around me in my teens.
I'd always had a faith, of God and later in the Trinity. But it was driven, in wanting to know God because of this calling. Others recognised it. Even my own family and friends.
I tried to go forward for selection in my teens with the Anglican Church, and told I was too young. Then again at 25. Told I was too quiet. 27, try again, told I would never complete a degree as I was clearly not academic. At 39, with three university qualifications behind me, including a degree in Law and a HE Cert in Theology and a HNC in Business - this time I was told I had the wrong kind of character - due to the amount of student debt I'd acquired. A couple of years later, I felt that calling again. I went stealth and my parish priest found out I'd been talking to someone about it, that even our Bishop recognised my calling - he hit the roof that I'd not told him. A while later I approached him about Lay Ministry Training - he agreed to support me, so I thought - but his recommendation to the Bishop was actually a non-recommendation as I wouldn't be able to minister in the parish. I was dead in the water. And then it happened. Another priest friend said "You're a prophet and not a priest. Priests have always been afraid of prophets. You genuinely believe. You hear God speak. You're scary to a priest. They will never let you in." So, now - my calling is to be the best version of a 21st century prophet I can be. to walk the untrodden paths with God, to be in the wilderness. I may not even succeed, but its an interesting goal and vocation to have, being what you are already.