Water Problems at the Oasis of Corporate Health
Last Thursday I was given one day’s notice at the temp job where I had been working for six months. Since my assignment was originally supposed to be over last December, I can’t really complain.
Today I started a new assignment at a building that I have previously described as the most ugly building in the world, but which the BBC, on the other hand, considers an
oasis of corporate fitness. Apparently uglier buildings make for prettier occupants. This particular complex has always reminded me of the Victorian lunatic asylum where my mother used to work.
But this post is not about aesthetics. It’s about my drug test.
I was supposed to take a drug test this morning before going on to the workplace, so I did what I always do before a drug test: I drank inordinate amounts of water so that I would be able to pee on demand.
I drank five pints of water and then I went down to the lab. Unfortunately, it being a Monday morning, there was rather a long wait. After a while, I was desperate to pee. “Aha, this must be what it’s like to be pregnant,” I thought to myself, “It truly sucks.”
After about half an hour I felt as if I might burst at any moment and I gave up. I made my way in excruciating discomfort to the nearest toilet. Sweet relief. Afterwards I went back to the lab and was told to go away and drink more water and come back in at least half an hour.
So I drank the remaining three pints of the gallon of water that I had brought in the car and came back about 40 minutes later and gave them what they wanted. Then I went to work. I arrived about an hour later than I had intended but I had no idea that I was considered late because I didn’t think that they would expect me to take the drug test and still be there on time, even under optimal circumstances. Normally, I would have apologized profusely for being late but in this case I had no idea that I was even considered late. I only knew that I wasn’t as early as I had originally planned.
During the remaining three hours of the four-hour shift I had to go to the restroom twice more because of the cumulated effect of drinking so much water. I took no other breaks.
When I got home from work I received a phone call from the temp agency telling me that I didn’t need to go back tomorrow.
I was fired because of a drug test that I passed.