i tried to hold it in, but the tears roll freely
I've been pretty numb with my emotion since about a week ago when ben told me he was going to the navy. I was bummed for a bit, and then hardened myself against getting depressed. I'm on my period this past week (had just started the day before he told me about his joining the navy soon) and was trying hard not to let myself become depressed over it. My mom noticed I was depressed that day tho, so my numbness hadn't really taken ahold of me. I don't want him to leave. My exterior is breaking tonight, and I'm realizing just how much I'm going to miss him. I try not to cry, and it's hard. My eyes keep trying to well up, but I swallow them back. I'm tired of crying over him. I don't want him to leave, I care for him so much. He says he cares for me, but it's just a couple things he does that makes me think, do you really? Do you still need playboy and pornos if you have me and love me? I don't care if he watches them (well, that much), but I'd rather he be doing that with me. I'm afraid he's "checking out the inventory" of other girls whenever he's not with me, and that hurts so much. I'm sure he cares about me a lot, since he's told me, it's just that doubt is clouding my mind and I'm starting to become depressed and question things he tells me, and his friends tell me. I didn't want to fall in love EVER, and I totally just fell for him. He's so cute. I love his belly that I can put my hands and arms around and have him be like my own big teddy bear that will protect me always. I love his eyes, his sweet smile, the way he reaches out with his hand for me to come over to him, the way he laughes, his hands, his nose. He's sweet and funny. Omg, I don't wanna talk about this anymore, I'm starting to really have a hard time not crying. Shit! There's gonna be a tear rolling down my cheek while I go in to get dressed to go to work with my mom, and she'll want to know why. B/c the dams I built under my eyes are finally giving way, and I can't hold it in anymore. Why am I so crazy? Why is it I feel this way and that I wanna cry thinking I won't see him, well, probably ever again? I'm not numb anymore. My eyes sting (why are my tears burning so much, great, I'll cry over my stinging tears too, fabulous), my chest aches, I feel like I wanna jump put pf my skin....shit! these teasrs burn! omg, I can hardly see, wowza, I really hope I stop crying so it stops hurting. Well, I gotta cry sometime to let out the hurt I have inside. This is gonna take me so long to get over him. I care for him so much that it hurts thinking he'd rather be somewhere else than with me. I know he cares for me...and I care for him. But I don't want him to leave, and I can't say that, b/c I don't want to be that "g/f" (does he consider me his g/f? has he ever?) that says, if you love me, you'll stay for me. I'll just have to hope that I don't get so depressed I wanna stop going to school. Omg! That is so lame! But I keep having where I don't wanna go to class when I'm depressed. I need to go pee and get dressed. I feel so sick, that food I ate earlier didn't digest well, and now I'm upset, on top of that.
*About 4:20amish now~~~
Some more I wanted to add to this, but I had to go earlier. I'm home now from working with my mom. Anyways, I think it's sorta sucky that no matter what happens with ben and the navy, I'll be depressed either way. If he goes, I'll be depressed with missing him. If there's some reason he's not able to go, I'll be depressed for him that he can't go. I mean, it seems like he really wants to go. Not like someone's forcing him to do this. He wants to do it. I think it'll be a great experience and all that jazz, I just know I'm not gonna do well for awhile once he's gone. I really hope that he and I can spend one last night together just sleeping next to eachother before he leaves. God, I went to work w/ my mom, and I think this one guy there noticed I looked a little depressed. My mom says he often checks me out (not bad, he's pretty attractive), so yeah, I saw he'd be looking longer than usual at me, and seemed like a strange expression on his face, like he noticed I wasn't that stoked to be there (as if I ever am, but still). So yeah. I'm not like, asking for advice with this. I just know I wanted to get it off my chest, and quit bottling it up inside. My mom started crying later tonight, as well, over something else, and I'm like, the women are emotional wrecks tonight! lol. I went into the bathroom and immediatly I was just like, wow, my allergies are really weird. My eyes were watering and it burned, augh. I didn't want her to know I was crying. Yay, I'm going back into my "don't let anyone know you cry" phase. I just don't want people trying to console me, b/c it makes it worse, you know what I mean? I never liked people seeing me as weak, so I never cried. Now, I don't care about that, just it makes it worse when someone's trying to console you over your issues. I'll let you help me out with that later, but for now, lemme be in isolated crying. I think once I lay down, I'll either fall right to sleep or cry myself to sleep. I might postpone the tears till after my tears don't burn my eyes.
*About 4:20amish now~~~
Some more I wanted to add to this, but I had to go earlier. I'm home now from working with my mom. Anyways, I think it's sorta sucky that no matter what happens with ben and the navy, I'll be depressed either way. If he goes, I'll be depressed with missing him. If there's some reason he's not able to go, I'll be depressed for him that he can't go. I mean, it seems like he really wants to go. Not like someone's forcing him to do this. He wants to do it. I think it'll be a great experience and all that jazz, I just know I'm not gonna do well for awhile once he's gone. I really hope that he and I can spend one last night together just sleeping next to eachother before he leaves. God, I went to work w/ my mom, and I think this one guy there noticed I looked a little depressed. My mom says he often checks me out (not bad, he's pretty attractive), so yeah, I saw he'd be looking longer than usual at me, and seemed like a strange expression on his face, like he noticed I wasn't that stoked to be there (as if I ever am, but still). So yeah. I'm not like, asking for advice with this. I just know I wanted to get it off my chest, and quit bottling it up inside. My mom started crying later tonight, as well, over something else, and I'm like, the women are emotional wrecks tonight! lol. I went into the bathroom and immediatly I was just like, wow, my allergies are really weird. My eyes were watering and it burned, augh. I didn't want her to know I was crying. Yay, I'm going back into my "don't let anyone know you cry" phase. I just don't want people trying to console me, b/c it makes it worse, you know what I mean? I never liked people seeing me as weak, so I never cried. Now, I don't care about that, just it makes it worse when someone's trying to console you over your issues. I'll let you help me out with that later, but for now, lemme be in isolated crying. I think once I lay down, I'll either fall right to sleep or cry myself to sleep. I might postpone the tears till after my tears don't burn my eyes.