Who we are…..
Originally published at My Notes. You can comment here or there.
I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. Things are changing for me, actually so fast that I seem to be missing a lot of it. Watching as life passes me by. My relationship with the woman I thought would be the cornerstone of my life has crumbled to dust. Partially because I failed to do the upkeep and keep the mortar fresh. I’ve never been a good person with brickwork, but I also know that it was not completely my fault either. I know that a relationship needs two people to make it work. We have just went our separate ways, and I have come to grips with that.
In evaluating what my life has meant to this point and looking at all my relationships and friendships, I have really let a lot of things pass me by. Fear of losing what I had, though it was already long on it’s way to what it has come to now, kept me from chasing after what my heart told me I should. I had a moment, several years ago now, where my heart nearly stopped. I met this woman, though briefly, who was the most radiant creature I had ever seen. She was quiet, yet glowed with an inner beauty and strength that it astounded me. I met her at a writing group for NaNoWriMo. I found myself staring and probably looking like some sort of creep, I know I looked like some sort of creep. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to this lovely vision, so I just wrote and wrote like crazy. She inspired me to write that night, I think partially to try and impress her. Boy, was I foolish. So after that night I left the small cafe, completely enamored with my muse, my angel. For years now I have pondered what I could have done differently that night. I have wondered if I had just talked to her more, been bold enough to ask her out, or at least been more conversational, could things have been different.
My marriage at the time was already on the rocks, I just couldn’t let it go. Partially for the kids and partially out of fear of being alone. Things happened as they did, I can not change the past. I have followed her closely since. She has a blog that I read daily. When she doesn’t post anything I am disappointed but once she posts something I read it and absorb every word. I have found that my vision of beauty is more than just appearance. She has a grand intellect that sometimes makes me feel small in comparison. She is passionate about everything she does and her work ethic is something we all should aspire to. She has wowed me at many turns and proved to me that my heart, that night several years ago was not wrong. I had been in the presence of someone truly amazing and wonderful.
Most of my mind in the past few weeks has been occupied with all sorts of things that life has thrown at me. Most of it is just garbage that just needs to be ignored. I have though never stopped reading her blog, eagerly waiting her next post. I have commented on several of them, but she doesn’t know what she has come to mean to me. I’m not even sure that I could put in words what she means to me. I know I would give anything to get to know her better, possibly even get up the strength to ask her out for coffee or tea and just listen to her talk. That would be a wonderful day in my book.
Who We Are from the album “Who We Are” by Lifehouse
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