Hopeless
Do you ever want to be so immersed in someone else's life and someone else's issues just to escape your own deprived thoughts? Okay maybe deprived isn't quite the word I was looking for. I'm so frustrated with so much and I haven't got a damn soul to talk to about it. If I talk to jer he gets upset and pissed off at me and thinks I'm being a bitch and/or personally attacking him in some way, and he's really all I have. My life is so null right now. I work, I clean, I watch baby, I do laundry I watch baby, I work, etc. I don't really sleep much as of late...I just cant seem to. I either lay there completely incapable of falling asleep, or I fall asleep for a short period of time and have the worst fucking nightmares possible. So maybe its just my lack of rest that is driving me to the edge but seriously I'm here, about to take a bounding leap into the unknown and not come back. This whole slipping little by little into the black just isn't working anymore, its just ripping me at the seems and that just tugs at me and makes it worse.
I'm to the point that I think everyone is talking about me "behind my back" so to speak. I'm not going anywhere in my job but yet I can't afford to quit. I don't ever get out of the house, and if I get the chance something comes up and I can't make it. I'm pretty sure I'm loosing my mind day by day. And you know the very worst part? No one can tell a difference. Not even my husband. Ever lingering thoughts of picking up a knife and just saying FUCK IT, sitting just in the top of my mind, came close today but didn't have anything to follow through with.
Its been a while since I had a true update in this journal I guess. Work has been pretty hectic as of late, being the holidays and all I guess that is to be expected. Regardless that doesn't give people the right to treat me like a piece of shit. I've been with the company for a little over three years, trained the past five people they have promoted to the position they KNOW I want. So I have the knowledge and the skill to do the job, but yet I'm not being put in it? I've made it well known that I want to move up in the company but the focus seems to be going around me to the people I've been training.. While yes I do multiple jobs, cashier, customer service rep, senior, and on occasion MOD, I haven't been promoted or given a tittle or raise to compensate. Its starts to grate on my nerves when I'm the one taking the brunt of BS from customers and they get all the glory and praise. Maybe I'm just being petty about it all.
Christmas being right around the corner I have gotten most of our shopping out of the way. Jer didn't really go with much on anything, namely my mother and I. However I do still need to get my mother her gift, my brother and his girl there's, and I told Jer he needed to come up with something for his father but that has yet to happen. Bubba, Kiddo, and Bug are all done though, unless I see something I just have to get for someone. Though I don't see that happening it is me so who knows.
Oh! My sister is going to be a momma! She finds out thursday what she is having, boy or girl. Funny enough her due date is the same as mine was, May 25. I'm going to laugh much when she has her child on the same day as I had Loki... which happens to be her birthday as well. Its funny when you think back on your school mates from way back when, and all the conversations you used to have about, who wad going to loose there virginity first, who's gonna get knocked up first, married first, divorced first, all that chick-ish shit and compare it to your current lives.. Its just trippy to me.
I haven't had a cigarette in about a week, go me. Though I really do wish I had one now. There really wasn't a plan to quite it just kinda fell into place. Ran out of smokes, no money, couldn't get any, no one to bum off of, around the kids, ETC... So I said heh, its been two days lets go for three and so on. So we'll see.
Jeremy is at D and B's house at the moment. I was supposed to go with but I have to work at 7a.m. and I didn't really want the baby around all the drinking and what not. Told him he could go without me since he never gets to see them at all or go out. I told him I wanted him to come home sometime tonight but so much for that. He seemed pretty anxious to get away from me so *Shrug* . Loki keeps having nightmares not sleeping screaming bloody murder, I brought him down here to sleep with me on the couch but he didn't get any better. Kept whimpering and crying in his sleep, and then twitching a lot in his sleep.
Okay well I think I'm going to try to do something to occupy my time other than type my computer is about to co-put on me.
Farewell and G'Day.
I'm to the point that I think everyone is talking about me "behind my back" so to speak. I'm not going anywhere in my job but yet I can't afford to quit. I don't ever get out of the house, and if I get the chance something comes up and I can't make it. I'm pretty sure I'm loosing my mind day by day. And you know the very worst part? No one can tell a difference. Not even my husband. Ever lingering thoughts of picking up a knife and just saying FUCK IT, sitting just in the top of my mind, came close today but didn't have anything to follow through with.
Its been a while since I had a true update in this journal I guess. Work has been pretty hectic as of late, being the holidays and all I guess that is to be expected. Regardless that doesn't give people the right to treat me like a piece of shit. I've been with the company for a little over three years, trained the past five people they have promoted to the position they KNOW I want. So I have the knowledge and the skill to do the job, but yet I'm not being put in it? I've made it well known that I want to move up in the company but the focus seems to be going around me to the people I've been training.. While yes I do multiple jobs, cashier, customer service rep, senior, and on occasion MOD, I haven't been promoted or given a tittle or raise to compensate. Its starts to grate on my nerves when I'm the one taking the brunt of BS from customers and they get all the glory and praise. Maybe I'm just being petty about it all.
Christmas being right around the corner I have gotten most of our shopping out of the way. Jer didn't really go with much on anything, namely my mother and I. However I do still need to get my mother her gift, my brother and his girl there's, and I told Jer he needed to come up with something for his father but that has yet to happen. Bubba, Kiddo, and Bug are all done though, unless I see something I just have to get for someone. Though I don't see that happening it is me so who knows.
Oh! My sister is going to be a momma! She finds out thursday what she is having, boy or girl. Funny enough her due date is the same as mine was, May 25. I'm going to laugh much when she has her child on the same day as I had Loki... which happens to be her birthday as well. Its funny when you think back on your school mates from way back when, and all the conversations you used to have about, who wad going to loose there virginity first, who's gonna get knocked up first, married first, divorced first, all that chick-ish shit and compare it to your current lives.. Its just trippy to me.
I haven't had a cigarette in about a week, go me. Though I really do wish I had one now. There really wasn't a plan to quite it just kinda fell into place. Ran out of smokes, no money, couldn't get any, no one to bum off of, around the kids, ETC... So I said heh, its been two days lets go for three and so on. So we'll see.
Jeremy is at D and B's house at the moment. I was supposed to go with but I have to work at 7a.m. and I didn't really want the baby around all the drinking and what not. Told him he could go without me since he never gets to see them at all or go out. I told him I wanted him to come home sometime tonight but so much for that. He seemed pretty anxious to get away from me so *Shrug* . Loki keeps having nightmares not sleeping screaming bloody murder, I brought him down here to sleep with me on the couch but he didn't get any better. Kept whimpering and crying in his sleep, and then twitching a lot in his sleep.
Okay well I think I'm going to try to do something to occupy my time other than type my computer is about to co-put on me.
Farewell and G'Day.