Why this is the worst month of my life
This is the worst month of my life because...it can be. Simply because it can. Sometimes I think my life likes to see just how miserable it can make me before I have the periodic mental breakdown.
(financial) Bad financial problems are bad. I'd been failing to properly budget for the past 2 months or so, and now have like, no money for myself. I have money for shopping service orders, but the commission fee disappears cause I'm in debt to a few people. Last Saturday I had a total of 183yen in all. Things are awful at home, and my dad is broke, yet still trying to send me money periodically, so I don't want to tell him, that I'm quite late in paying the rent. Because of a sudden family emergency I have to go back to America for a bit during Spring Vacation, which is another few hundred spent there.
My cash card expires at the end of the month. The new one has arrived to my home in NY. My dad activated it the day before yesterday without thinking. So now the one I have doesn't work, I cannot withdraw any money until I have the new one, which we had to spend $41 on to international express it.
(work) I had to resort to selling my closet. You never realise how attached you are to just clothes and accessories. Fortunately I've made enough so that I'm not living in constant fear anymore, but I'm still treading on a thin line bordering in the red. Need more orders. AP's new series started and I got no requests for reserves. I was counting on getting alot. Since I'm waiting on that new card, I can't make any payments for auction goods. Sellers are breathing down my back, giving me deadlines I can't make, and I will most likely be given more bad feedback, which will in turn make it harder for other sellers to allow me to bid on their things, which will in turn be bad for business.
(school) I missed alot of days of school this month and the last. I just feel like nothing matters sometimes. And that life is so insignificant. I don't know. Empty feelings abound!
(social) Yesterday I went to a club event that wasn't so expensive because I'm friends with some of the DJs, to have a good time for once, and to hopefully chat up to Tetra. My friend Riri told me to come along, cause most my friends know I have difficulties talking to this guy. The party was alright, I guess. Most likely because I drank myself into false cheerfulness. I went with Erika and Riri but they disappear together alot. Luckily I had alcohol to keep me company, until I started talking to this girl named Lisa. Then things looked up a bit cause I had someone to talk to. Little later Erika broke the news to me that Riri and Tetra have been fucking for a couple weeks now. Of course, I don't have like, a real right to be upset, since he and I were never a thing and I kind of new nothing would ever happen, but Riri knew I liked him since the first time we met him. Get this: I'd said he was hot, and she said "Ew, I don't see it". What's more, she often tells me things like "go for it!", encouraging me to talk to him more. What is that? A cruel inside joke? I specifically remember a piece from last night (before I knew what's going on between them), when she brought him over to me saying "Hey hey, she wants to talk to you~". Joke's on me. Silly, ugly, fat, gaijin lolita. So I suppose Riri doesn't have that much respect for me huh. What do you guys think? Even though Tetra and I weren't a thing, once a friend calls dibs, don't you not fuck them? Am I a tool that I think that way? What really did I do, to meet "friends" like this? I never wrote about it but last year I had two other "friends", who I thought were really true. Turns out the only true thing was that they talked about me behind my back.
Sorry if my thoughts seem disconnected. I'm a little hungover.
Okay, so maybe not the worst month ever. Dec.2003 was pretty bad. But this one is a close second. The only thing that could make this month worse, is the plane I'm going home in, crashing. Wouldn't that be something. Too bad I won't be here to blog "I told you so".
(financial) Bad financial problems are bad. I'd been failing to properly budget for the past 2 months or so, and now have like, no money for myself. I have money for shopping service orders, but the commission fee disappears cause I'm in debt to a few people. Last Saturday I had a total of 183yen in all. Things are awful at home, and my dad is broke, yet still trying to send me money periodically, so I don't want to tell him, that I'm quite late in paying the rent. Because of a sudden family emergency I have to go back to America for a bit during Spring Vacation, which is another few hundred spent there.
My cash card expires at the end of the month. The new one has arrived to my home in NY. My dad activated it the day before yesterday without thinking. So now the one I have doesn't work, I cannot withdraw any money until I have the new one, which we had to spend $41 on to international express it.
(work) I had to resort to selling my closet. You never realise how attached you are to just clothes and accessories. Fortunately I've made enough so that I'm not living in constant fear anymore, but I'm still treading on a thin line bordering in the red. Need more orders. AP's new series started and I got no requests for reserves. I was counting on getting alot. Since I'm waiting on that new card, I can't make any payments for auction goods. Sellers are breathing down my back, giving me deadlines I can't make, and I will most likely be given more bad feedback, which will in turn make it harder for other sellers to allow me to bid on their things, which will in turn be bad for business.
(school) I missed alot of days of school this month and the last. I just feel like nothing matters sometimes. And that life is so insignificant. I don't know. Empty feelings abound!
(social) Yesterday I went to a club event that wasn't so expensive because I'm friends with some of the DJs, to have a good time for once, and to hopefully chat up to Tetra. My friend Riri told me to come along, cause most my friends know I have difficulties talking to this guy. The party was alright, I guess. Most likely because I drank myself into false cheerfulness. I went with Erika and Riri but they disappear together alot. Luckily I had alcohol to keep me company, until I started talking to this girl named Lisa. Then things looked up a bit cause I had someone to talk to. Little later Erika broke the news to me that Riri and Tetra have been fucking for a couple weeks now. Of course, I don't have like, a real right to be upset, since he and I were never a thing and I kind of new nothing would ever happen, but Riri knew I liked him since the first time we met him. Get this: I'd said he was hot, and she said "Ew, I don't see it". What's more, she often tells me things like "go for it!", encouraging me to talk to him more. What is that? A cruel inside joke? I specifically remember a piece from last night (before I knew what's going on between them), when she brought him over to me saying "Hey hey, she wants to talk to you~". Joke's on me. Silly, ugly, fat, gaijin lolita. So I suppose Riri doesn't have that much respect for me huh. What do you guys think? Even though Tetra and I weren't a thing, once a friend calls dibs, don't you not fuck them? Am I a tool that I think that way? What really did I do, to meet "friends" like this? I never wrote about it but last year I had two other "friends", who I thought were really true. Turns out the only true thing was that they talked about me behind my back.
Sorry if my thoughts seem disconnected. I'm a little hungover.
Okay, so maybe not the worst month ever. Dec.2003 was pretty bad. But this one is a close second. The only thing that could make this month worse, is the plane I'm going home in, crashing. Wouldn't that be something. Too bad I won't be here to blog "I told you so".