Good day? Bad day? Gay day? Closet day?
Today was another filming for Tokyo kawaii TV. The past couple times were just them shooting my outfit and the various components/accessories, but this time I was with 5 other foreign girls who dressed japanese street fashion, and we had a kind of quiz show where we were asked questions about the fashion genres of the other girls (ie., in one of mine, I asked what the round-type headdresses are called, since I represented lolita; the answer is canotie btw) They were all pretty nice girls, and I wasn't in it to win at all, just to have fun, until they announced during the real shoot that the prize for the winner, would be a spot in KERA. Er...who's wanted to be in KERA since they were 16? And whose existence has been ignored by their street snap scouts everytime I come across them in Harajuku and at events? Right, easy guess. And who did not win the quiz game? Yeah.
Really, fuck winning and losing, it's not about that. Before they'd announced the prize, I thought it would be something like a shopping spree, and I couldn't care less; I was just excited to be on TV. But really, KERA? Of all the damned magazines in this country, the one I've always wanted to be in? I was so so close to having my shot, then lost it. I honestly wanted to cry.
Before the real shoot, one of the editors for KERA, who was a guest on the show, seemed kind of interested in me and we had some nice conversation about fashion(though at the time I didn't really know who he was), so it would have been really great to work with him... :/ Well, I'm hoping he took enough of a liking to me to get my contact information from the NHK staff and contact me sometime. Though that's a far long shot, cause yeah, this is my life we're talking about. Realism over Idealism, dudes.
The silver lining, is that another scout from NHK is interested in me, and I might be on the show a second time. I haven't met with her as yet, so I don't quite know the details of that episode, but I'm hoping it's a bit more exclusive. The episode that's currently being worked on is pretty evenly divided among all the girls, which is fine, but I plan to be a talent sometime in the future to help promote my unborn brand, so being in another episode could go on my resume and help my chances of success.
Another thing that really upset me like you wouldn't believe...
After the show was all done, two of the girls and myself went to eat with two Japanese friends I just met today. One of the girls from the show, named Erica(she was the resident visual goth :3 ), commented on a couple at the diner. Idk if they were a Real couple cause they were both girls; maybe just a cosplay couple, but Erica said "Wow, I would pay to see a hot guy in that outfit", about the girl wearing a prince style ensemble. I said something like "looks pretty good on a cute girl though". There was no response from either her or Wendy(she represented 80's style), which is a reaction I'm rather used to when I say something gay-ish. Sometime after that, Wendy showed us a pic of herself in a gakuran(Japanese school boy outfit) cause she's in some club in her school called "Ouen-dan", and I said "So you get alot of chicks, ey?", as a joke, cause u kno, in every manga where a girl dresses like a boy, they're totally popular. Her response was an incredibly surprised, incredibly disgusted "(Ew), Why would I want girls?" She didn't say the ew, but it was there, man. That reaction really threw me; I felt really defensive and could only babble something like "I'm not saying you'd want girls. I was just asking if anyone every thinks you're actually a boy", when "It's a joke, dude. No need to get all phobey" would have been a smooth as soap comeback. But I was actually like, hurt by her initial reaction, and it fucked up my normal thinking pattern. I don't think I get hurt very easily, so that was a strange feeling that led to the train wreck known as the next paragraph.
What drove it home, was that one of the Japanese friends, a girl named Emiri, works at KERA shop, with my latest girl crush (yes, I have a boy crush and a girl crush each), who is a really tall and cool, and awesome boyish girl. My last tall-cool-awesome-boydyke girl crush who worked at Superlovers actually was gay and had like 3 girlfriends or some crap D: Anyway, I was like "So you work at KERA shop? Cool~ There's this really awesome looking girl who works there too~", and I described her, and Emiri was like "Oh yeah, I know her! She's cool." What my brain wanted to reply with was "Ooooh, does she have like, a boyfriend or something?" but what I really said was "Wow, lucky~" In short, I was literally afraid to speak my mind because of potential homophobic responses I may have received. To say the least, I was quite disappointed in myself for trying to fit in so badly with 4 people I'd just met today. Am I really that starving for friends besides those in school? Really, to ask if a guy staff had a girlfriend would have been completely alright, but to ask about Moro holds some sort of risk of being thought badly of. Feels unfair.
I've been soaking in the homophobia here for so long, that when I meet another gaijin, I automatically assume they're okay with the rainbow way (lolwut new term?), and end up talking about cute girls or making "inappropriate" jokes before even making sure if they'd be okay with it. So I guess I'm kind of at fault, too...
Oops, this was supposed to be short. shight.
Oh well, time to go to work. A ridiculous amount of my order files have been lost because my computer decided to restart without saving information, so I have to spend the next 5 hours or so reviewing all emails, LJ comment orders, and my paypal history to re-write the files. This is going to be a party. rah. rah. (-___- )
Really, fuck winning and losing, it's not about that. Before they'd announced the prize, I thought it would be something like a shopping spree, and I couldn't care less; I was just excited to be on TV. But really, KERA? Of all the damned magazines in this country, the one I've always wanted to be in? I was so so close to having my shot, then lost it. I honestly wanted to cry.
Before the real shoot, one of the editors for KERA, who was a guest on the show, seemed kind of interested in me and we had some nice conversation about fashion(though at the time I didn't really know who he was), so it would have been really great to work with him... :/ Well, I'm hoping he took enough of a liking to me to get my contact information from the NHK staff and contact me sometime. Though that's a far long shot, cause yeah, this is my life we're talking about. Realism over Idealism, dudes.
The silver lining, is that another scout from NHK is interested in me, and I might be on the show a second time. I haven't met with her as yet, so I don't quite know the details of that episode, but I'm hoping it's a bit more exclusive. The episode that's currently being worked on is pretty evenly divided among all the girls, which is fine, but I plan to be a talent sometime in the future to help promote my unborn brand, so being in another episode could go on my resume and help my chances of success.
Another thing that really upset me like you wouldn't believe...
After the show was all done, two of the girls and myself went to eat with two Japanese friends I just met today. One of the girls from the show, named Erica(she was the resident visual goth :3 ), commented on a couple at the diner. Idk if they were a Real couple cause they were both girls; maybe just a cosplay couple, but Erica said "Wow, I would pay to see a hot guy in that outfit", about the girl wearing a prince style ensemble. I said something like "looks pretty good on a cute girl though". There was no response from either her or Wendy(she represented 80's style), which is a reaction I'm rather used to when I say something gay-ish. Sometime after that, Wendy showed us a pic of herself in a gakuran(Japanese school boy outfit) cause she's in some club in her school called "Ouen-dan", and I said "So you get alot of chicks, ey?", as a joke, cause u kno, in every manga where a girl dresses like a boy, they're totally popular. Her response was an incredibly surprised, incredibly disgusted "(Ew), Why would I want girls?" She didn't say the ew, but it was there, man. That reaction really threw me; I felt really defensive and could only babble something like "I'm not saying you'd want girls. I was just asking if anyone every thinks you're actually a boy", when "It's a joke, dude. No need to get all phobey" would have been a smooth as soap comeback. But I was actually like, hurt by her initial reaction, and it fucked up my normal thinking pattern. I don't think I get hurt very easily, so that was a strange feeling that led to the train wreck known as the next paragraph.
What drove it home, was that one of the Japanese friends, a girl named Emiri, works at KERA shop, with my latest girl crush (yes, I have a boy crush and a girl crush each), who is a really tall and cool, and awesome boyish girl. My last tall-cool-awesome-boydyke girl crush who worked at Superlovers actually was gay and had like 3 girlfriends or some crap D: Anyway, I was like "So you work at KERA shop? Cool~ There's this really awesome looking girl who works there too~", and I described her, and Emiri was like "Oh yeah, I know her! She's cool." What my brain wanted to reply with was "Ooooh, does she have like, a boyfriend or something?" but what I really said was "Wow, lucky~" In short, I was literally afraid to speak my mind because of potential homophobic responses I may have received. To say the least, I was quite disappointed in myself for trying to fit in so badly with 4 people I'd just met today. Am I really that starving for friends besides those in school? Really, to ask if a guy staff had a girlfriend would have been completely alright, but to ask about Moro holds some sort of risk of being thought badly of. Feels unfair.
I've been soaking in the homophobia here for so long, that when I meet another gaijin, I automatically assume they're okay with the rainbow way (lolwut new term?), and end up talking about cute girls or making "inappropriate" jokes before even making sure if they'd be okay with it. So I guess I'm kind of at fault, too...
Oops, this was supposed to be short. shight.
Oh well, time to go to work. A ridiculous amount of my order files have been lost because my computer decided to restart without saving information, so I have to spend the next 5 hours or so reviewing all emails, LJ comment orders, and my paypal history to re-write the files. This is going to be a party. rah. rah. (-___- )