7 weeks later i rant
last updated 7 weeks ago
seven weeks later and the inner panic is causing me distress. I feel chilled out at once and yet frustrated at myself for my lack of inner definition. I cannot fight this because these changes almost seem instinctual - or primal. I feel like I do things like a vehicle, I am being driven to some end - of which I cannot see coming or understand. What I wanted, what I want or what I imagine as a prospect of enjoyment seems to be a dreamscape in this mission my body takes me on. I've become hungrier, literally, I'm actually eating more with a proper appetite for the first time in years. Probably something like 4 years.
I need to get to sleep. let me sleep dammit. I have to wake up early so i can finish my school work and phone people. I need to be a busy body. I type this and a revolt inside me came to light. my body turns and wrenches and aches from this discomfort of conforming to this agenda of school work I really feel no need to accomplish. It's like I felt in high school. Doing assignments and write ups and working extra hard to accomplish things that only exhibit parts of my intelligence that are just.. well, there. I have this ability, and for some reason it needs to presented through a long drawn out careful examination through tedious and an extraneous working out of my mind which is supposed to show how I've learned? what the hell. How about forcing and doing real things, why must we be tested and tested and tested and tested? I'm 21 years old and 'young' in school. I look around at my mates and see a lot of older students, people who wish to better their list of forms, forms that represent who they are to society and how they measure up in the eyes of some kind of intellectual or knowledge or practice based worth. Some shit farmer's ideal.
I study and I study, I read the ideas of dead or sometimes alive theorists. I do it because I thought I could learn answers or learn how to better understand the world we live in. Philosophy appears to be this illusive thing that makes us wonder so much we feel special. I thought- oo! I want to be part of that! right. so off I go, and i read and i study. and the more I read and study and work, the more I realize that everyone is either saying the same things, or they're saying shit that is just wrong. And then! aha! ooo! they tell you, yes. no one is right, no one is origonal, no one has this magical ability to solve things. AND yes! it has been a waste of time really, because yes you can do it yourself! Go ahead! and hey, extra credit if you create language from you ideas and concepts! ahaha, learn german too cause hell we all know it'll help somehow.
Dont call me a Nihilist, but i feel like there is nothing worth mentioning about thinking really hard about shit. Except.. maybe that it hurts and makes you feel either brilliant or fucking depressed.
So now, now I sit with these thoughts, this understanding of my environment, this ability to recognize both the ugliness of the system - academia, and social labour industry and the like - and the conundrum it puts me in, in having to conform to some sort of practical dependancy. Someone might call it a dependancy on Civilization in a world of autonomous egoistic existence. someone being me? I dont even think I can get credit for that cause it's probably something Ive read or something someone has already thought up without my interpretation.
FUCKING HELL... look at what school has done, it's making me use big fucking words. big ugly words. I can't speak natural base english anymore without throwing in words that I dont think can be fully understood because they are used so infrequently.
Ever get that feeling? when you forget for a moment that you arent the only person, and it seems like things work out for everyone else just fine. or like everyone else seems to understand what they want from life and they all will be fine as far as you can tell and yet, for some reason your life is special in that it is corrupted by this horrible struggle that you cannot find in anyone else?
So I'm thinking about work, school, creating something. And it occurs to me that there's this horrible grip that big corporations have on everything. I feel like.. heck. If I wanted to open a shop - it would take money, lots of money or capital that I dont have because I dont own anything. Or lets say I wanted to create a webpage and I went across the internet and clipped and grabbed code or pictures, is that stealing? sure! so does that make my webpage unique or sellable? I dont know, but I feel like there's someone out there that would take notice and give me a hard time if clipped something of theirs (if the page became popular enough to become sellable, profitable). Everything must be from scratch so it seems..
I also feel like if I was to start a radio station it would be so horrendously controlled and heavily pre-configured. Releasing airwaves into the air is a picture in my head i dream as being so free. Shouldnt I be free to scream? free to send my radio waves into the public at no charge and at no cost? but no. it depends. it depends on what is broadcast!
You don't own that song! you may have purchased it, sure, but you dont own the 'rights' to it! sooo you kinda dont own the right to let other people listen to what you purchased! aha! pay me more money for that song you purchased, because buying wasnt enough.
When did we create these ideas? these concepts? how do these concepts hold weight?! the right to ownership of anything and everything creates money! it is more commodity! it is more capital! aha! turning labour into anything and anything into something ownable, something sellable, something buyable and something that therefore increases the economic worth of a system. aha!
After learning some basic economics about the bubble bursting in the housing industry, it shocked me to understand that people had created a system of buying and selling future predictions on interest rates for the mortgages on the value of property in dollar values. THINK OF ALL THE ABSTRACT SHIT THAT GOES ON THERE! dollar value, interest on mortgages, future predictions, sold now for more money. It amazes me that people were able to sell interest.
it is so stupid. i dont care if it worked out fine. it is just too much.
This is the horror of capitalism really. money for money for money to create more money.
and with all this fictitious money coming and going it makes me think, if my labour is real and is easily transfered into cash - then i should be able to make money simple enough, right? i wish it was simple.
seven weeks later and the inner panic is causing me distress. I feel chilled out at once and yet frustrated at myself for my lack of inner definition. I cannot fight this because these changes almost seem instinctual - or primal. I feel like I do things like a vehicle, I am being driven to some end - of which I cannot see coming or understand. What I wanted, what I want or what I imagine as a prospect of enjoyment seems to be a dreamscape in this mission my body takes me on. I've become hungrier, literally, I'm actually eating more with a proper appetite for the first time in years. Probably something like 4 years.
I need to get to sleep. let me sleep dammit. I have to wake up early so i can finish my school work and phone people. I need to be a busy body. I type this and a revolt inside me came to light. my body turns and wrenches and aches from this discomfort of conforming to this agenda of school work I really feel no need to accomplish. It's like I felt in high school. Doing assignments and write ups and working extra hard to accomplish things that only exhibit parts of my intelligence that are just.. well, there. I have this ability, and for some reason it needs to presented through a long drawn out careful examination through tedious and an extraneous working out of my mind which is supposed to show how I've learned? what the hell. How about forcing and doing real things, why must we be tested and tested and tested and tested? I'm 21 years old and 'young' in school. I look around at my mates and see a lot of older students, people who wish to better their list of forms, forms that represent who they are to society and how they measure up in the eyes of some kind of intellectual or knowledge or practice based worth. Some shit farmer's ideal.
I study and I study, I read the ideas of dead or sometimes alive theorists. I do it because I thought I could learn answers or learn how to better understand the world we live in. Philosophy appears to be this illusive thing that makes us wonder so much we feel special. I thought- oo! I want to be part of that! right. so off I go, and i read and i study. and the more I read and study and work, the more I realize that everyone is either saying the same things, or they're saying shit that is just wrong. And then! aha! ooo! they tell you, yes. no one is right, no one is origonal, no one has this magical ability to solve things. AND yes! it has been a waste of time really, because yes you can do it yourself! Go ahead! and hey, extra credit if you create language from you ideas and concepts! ahaha, learn german too cause hell we all know it'll help somehow.
Dont call me a Nihilist, but i feel like there is nothing worth mentioning about thinking really hard about shit. Except.. maybe that it hurts and makes you feel either brilliant or fucking depressed.
So now, now I sit with these thoughts, this understanding of my environment, this ability to recognize both the ugliness of the system - academia, and social labour industry and the like - and the conundrum it puts me in, in having to conform to some sort of practical dependancy. Someone might call it a dependancy on Civilization in a world of autonomous egoistic existence. someone being me? I dont even think I can get credit for that cause it's probably something Ive read or something someone has already thought up without my interpretation.
FUCKING HELL... look at what school has done, it's making me use big fucking words. big ugly words. I can't speak natural base english anymore without throwing in words that I dont think can be fully understood because they are used so infrequently.
Ever get that feeling? when you forget for a moment that you arent the only person, and it seems like things work out for everyone else just fine. or like everyone else seems to understand what they want from life and they all will be fine as far as you can tell and yet, for some reason your life is special in that it is corrupted by this horrible struggle that you cannot find in anyone else?
So I'm thinking about work, school, creating something. And it occurs to me that there's this horrible grip that big corporations have on everything. I feel like.. heck. If I wanted to open a shop - it would take money, lots of money or capital that I dont have because I dont own anything. Or lets say I wanted to create a webpage and I went across the internet and clipped and grabbed code or pictures, is that stealing? sure! so does that make my webpage unique or sellable? I dont know, but I feel like there's someone out there that would take notice and give me a hard time if clipped something of theirs (if the page became popular enough to become sellable, profitable). Everything must be from scratch so it seems..
I also feel like if I was to start a radio station it would be so horrendously controlled and heavily pre-configured. Releasing airwaves into the air is a picture in my head i dream as being so free. Shouldnt I be free to scream? free to send my radio waves into the public at no charge and at no cost? but no. it depends. it depends on what is broadcast!
You don't own that song! you may have purchased it, sure, but you dont own the 'rights' to it! sooo you kinda dont own the right to let other people listen to what you purchased! aha! pay me more money for that song you purchased, because buying wasnt enough.
When did we create these ideas? these concepts? how do these concepts hold weight?! the right to ownership of anything and everything creates money! it is more commodity! it is more capital! aha! turning labour into anything and anything into something ownable, something sellable, something buyable and something that therefore increases the economic worth of a system. aha!
After learning some basic economics about the bubble bursting in the housing industry, it shocked me to understand that people had created a system of buying and selling future predictions on interest rates for the mortgages on the value of property in dollar values. THINK OF ALL THE ABSTRACT SHIT THAT GOES ON THERE! dollar value, interest on mortgages, future predictions, sold now for more money. It amazes me that people were able to sell interest.
it is so stupid. i dont care if it worked out fine. it is just too much.
This is the horror of capitalism really. money for money for money to create more money.
and with all this fictitious money coming and going it makes me think, if my labour is real and is easily transfered into cash - then i should be able to make money simple enough, right? i wish it was simple.