Footnotes -- Winner Takes All
Title: Footnotes
Chapter Three: Winner Takes All
Date Written: 11/8/08
Rating: PG-13/T
Word Count: 3,050
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Characters/Pairings: Ianto Jones/Lisa Hallet, OCs, mentioned Yvonne Hartman
Spoilers: Season 02 of Doctor Who and for the Ninth Doctor Adventure novel Winner Takes All
Warnings: Het. OMG yes, that's right.
Author's Notes: Thanks so very much to my darling betas totally4ryo and katestamps, and also to cazmalfoy for being such a dear and answering my question about British candy and currency. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you London Torchwood Ianto Jones!
Summaries for the books can be found at Wikipedia, at the Doctor Who wiki, and at Doctorwhoguide.com.
Previous chapters found here.
"Death to Mantodeans?" Ianto Jones asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Sounds just awful, doesn't it?" Lisa Hallet said, giving a big grin. "Can't get my brother to stop playing it, though, he's addicted. He says it's hard as hell."
"A hard game with the title Death to Mantodeans," Ianto repeated, sitting back in his seat and giving a wide grin. "Sounds like a contradiction if you ask me."
She laughed, her head falling back and revealing the long column of her neck. Ianto leaned in and pressed his mouth against it, smiling a little when he felt her pulse speed up just a little under his lips. "Ianto, I'm trying to have a serious conversation here," she teased, giving him a little bit of a shove.
"A serious conversation about a video game?" he teased back, nipping at her skin this time. "What, are you secretly a bloke?"
Lisa shoved him again, hard enough to push him back against the sofa. She was laughing as she climbed up into his lap, his hands on her waist for balance. "You know good and well I'm not, Jones."
"Oh, I don't know," Ianto said mock-seriously, his fingers slipping teasingly underneath the hem of her shirt. "We do work for Torchwood. Who knows what sort of alien tech you could have gotten into." She laughed but leaned into him when he tipped his head up, pushing her plush lips against his. His hand sneaked up her stomach as they kissed, making her squirm deliciously in his lap as he brushed over ticklish spots.
He'd just cupped one breast through the lace of her bra when she pulled back, panting a little. "Ianto, seriously," she said, licking her lips.
Ianto groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. God, sometimes he hated how focused she could get on something.
"It's my little brother," she said, her hands on his shoulders. "Please say you'll at least look into it?"
"What do you want me to do about it?" he asked. "Seriously."
"Just check the archives tomorrow at work, see if the name Mantodeans shows up," she asked, leaning over to lay a feather-soft kiss on him. "Please?"
"Okay," Ianto relented. Like he'd ever be able to tell her no. "But if I get fired, I'm moving in with you, got it?"
-----
"There aren't any alien species called Mantodeans," Lisa said, sounding frustrated as she leafed through the pages Ianto had printed out for her. "Are you sure? Is this all?"
"I even checked some of the crackpot places on the Web, the ones that are occasionally correct," Ianto verified. "No aliens, just a game." He cocked his head to the side. "Why are you so worried about this?"
"It's just -- " she sighed and propped her chin in her hand. "You're going to laugh."
"Oh ye of little faith," Ianto deadpanned.
"It's just games are the only thing we really have in common, me and Jason," she told him. "I was almost a teen when he was born. Independent, wanted my own life, that sort of thing. Now that I'm not at home and he's almost a teen, and into video games, I have something I can use to connect to him." She looked at him, expecting him to laugh.
Ianto shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. "My sister and I used to bond over clothing," he replied. "I'd go dress shopping with her. Trust me, until you've said 'Yeah, that looks nice, but you don't have the tits to pull it off' to your sister in front of a shop girl, I won't laugh at you and your brother and video games."
Lisa laughed a little and set the pages aside. "You win. Anyway. Games are hyped for ages, massive advert campaigns, test groups, reviews of people talking about how amazing it is. Especially for a game like this one is supposed to be, the shooter games."
"And this one wasn't?" Ianto asked.
"No, it just appeared overnight." She leaned in over the table. "He got it free from some lottery game Mum played."
"Maybe it's just a demo version," Ianto theorized. "One that only lets you play a few levels then you have to buy the whole thing at eight times what it cost to make."
Lisa shook her head. "It's not a game disk, it's a game console, like an X-Box."
Ianto thought for a moment. "Those things run about 200 pounds."
"Near enough," Lisa confirmed.
"And they're just giving them away."
She nodded.
"Sounds like someone in their Sales division needs to cut back on their drinking," Ianto said after a moment.
"Ianto!"
"Oh, calm down," he said. "You're going over to your family's for lunch tomorrow. Just talk to your brother about the game, maybe he'll let you borrow it for a bit. We can take it apart and take a look inside."
Lisa was quiet for a moment. "I have a better idea."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "It's about time you met my parents, isn't it?"
-----
Jason frowned and looked over his shoulder. "This game is hard," he said in a petulant tone that only a preteen could achieve.
"I can see that," Ianto sympathized, moving from his chair down to sit next to the boy. "Can I try?"
Jason handed over the controller and turned his attention to the screen. When Ianto and Lisa had asked about the game, the boy had been more than happy to show them. The intro to the game had been informative and just a little frightening: two alien races at war, the Quevvils (who looked like giant porcupines) and the Mantodeans (giant praying mantises). The Quevvils were attempting to get into the Mantodean stronghold, but there was a DNA lock over the base. So humans had been recruited to be used as controllers, to get into the base and lower the DNA lock so the Quevvils could kill the Mantodeans.
If it was true, it was a terrifying prospect.
After the introduction, they moved into the so-called training stage. Puzzles were presented, and when they were successfully completed doors would open. The puzzles weren't easy, which was strange; if you were giving away games to kids, you'd make the puzzles easy for kids to crack before they lost interest.
Ianto looked at the puzzle for a few moments before closing his eyes and putting himself into the Torchwood mindset. Think like you're cracking an alien puzzle, he told himself. Think like this isn't just a game, but you're at work and you're going to get written up if you don't do this properly.
He opened his eyes and his fingers seemed to move of their own accord. The puzzle glowed a bright blue as he solved it, and the view pulled back to a door sliding open.
Then there was a Mantodean, front claws slashing, then the words GAME OVER flashing in bright red.
"I hate when that happens," Jason said sympathetically, taking the controller back.
Ianto turned and gave Lisa a look that clearly said believe you now.
"Mum?" Lisa called out. "How'd you win this game again?"
Mrs. Hallet poked her head through the doorway. "Oh, it's some silly lottery they're doing down at the shops. You get a ticket for every item you purchase." She sighed. "Jason, don't start another game, lunch is almost ready."
Jason let out a whine and put his game on pause. "Hope it saves my place this time."
-----
"Anything you need?" Lisa asked as they stepped into the newsagents closest to her mother's house.
"Not particularly," Ianto admitted. "You?"
She shook her head. "How much do you have on you?"
Ianto pulled out his wallet, thumbing through the bills. "About... fifteen pounds."
"Give me a one."
"Smallest I have is a fiver," he told her.
"Then give me that."
Ianto raised his eyebrows but handed over the requested bill. Lisa took it and went up to the agent, giving her best grin. "You do those lottery things here, right?"
The man looked at her levelly, as if testing to see if she was going to be a threat. "That's right, miss."
She laid the note down on the counter. "Five hundred penny sweets, please."
Ianto mentally started making a list of people he knew at work who had a sweet tooth.
-----
"How many more left?" Lisa groaned, scratching at the silver coating with one long fingernail.
Ianto looked down at the three piles between them. The largest pile consisted of losing tickets, while another held three console winners. "Two," he said, reaching for the final two unscratched pieces.
"Together then?" Lisa asked, plucking one from his hand. "One, two..." The both looked down and started scratching at the same time.
Lisa didn't even have to finish removing all the silver. "Not a winner," she announced, sticking it on top of the losing pile. "What about you, Ianto?"
Ianto frowned, peeling the silver away with his thumbnail. "I won," he said.
"What, another console? We've more than enough," she said.
"No..." he drawled, tilting his head a little as he read. "'Winner. You and a guest have won an all expenses paid holiday'," he quoted. "It gives a pick-up time, but it doesn't say where you're going to."
"Oh my God," Lisa said suddenly. "Recruiting humans. They're literally recruiting humans."
Ianto remembered the Mantodean on the other side of the door and felt sick.
-----
The place to pick up the game consoles had Quevvils out in front of it. Ianto was boggled by their brazenness. And then he boggled at the fact that Torchwood hadn't picked up on this little detail before.
"Alien," Lisa said in a low tone.
"How do you know for sure?" Ianto asked, teasing to cover up his nerves. He was an archivist, not a field agent. He was totally out of his depth. "It could be a really good costume."
Lisa rolled her eyes. "I only work for Torchwood," she replied. "I know a non-human when I see one."
Ianto chuckled and took her hand, walking with her to the door. Both of them studiously ignored the alien standing three meters away, and the alien studiously ignored them.
They had to scan the ticket to get into the shop, and another Quevvil was standing behind the counter. They turned their ticket over and received a console. They were dismissed with a "good luck" and walked calmly down the street, still hand-in-hand, the console tucked up underneath Ianto's arm.
Then they turned the corner and ran flat-out for the metro station, hell-bent on getting to Torchwood.
-----
Yvonne Hartman's PA was a young Scotsman named John, and he was a very good friend. He was the one who had goaded Ianto into asking Lisa out for drinks after work. They doubled with his girlfriend occasionally, all of them not talking about work because she was out of the Torchwood loop.
That still didn't stop John from laughing in their faces when they asked if they could see Hartman just for a few moments.
"You're cracking me up, mate," he said. "She's got appointments until the next century, and supposedly there's been a Doctor sighting -- but you didn't hear that from me."
"So she won't see us even if it's concerning an alien invasion," Ianto said.
"This is Torchwood," John replied. "Alien invasions are our bread and butter. You're both agents, trained for anything and everything. Go kick some alien arse."
Lisa crossed her arms and tapped her foot, a sure sign that she was getting annoyed. "Right. I'll chuck some half-understood tech at them and Ianto will give them vicious paper cuts."
"You go in there now, she'll fire you so fast you won't even remember the mind wipe," John defended. "She'll fire all of us. And for all the shite I have to take, it's damn good pay."
Ianto set the console on the desk. "Look. If she has even five minutes, ask her take a peek at this. Please?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," the Scotsman said, taking the box and stowing it under the desk at his feet.
Defeated, they left Torchwood Tower.
"So, what should we do?" Lisa asked. "If what we think is going on really is going on, we can't let them give out any more of those games."
"I'm not buying all the penny sweets in London," Ianto told her.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out the remaining two winning pieces. "We could distract them and destroy all their games," she said. "Two places, wiped out of games. That would be a start." She looked down at the pieces. "But what could distract them?"
"They look like porcupines," Ianto offered.
Lisa snorted a little. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well..." Ianto drawled. "Don't porcupines like salt?"
She looked up at him. "How do you know these things?"
"It's called an encyclopedia," he deadpanned, taking her hand. "Learn it, use it, love it."
-----
They bought two small boxes of salt and got two tickets -- both losers, both binned on the way to another console station. They scanned their way in and Ianto hung back while Lisa talked to the Quevvil behind the desk. Trying to look as innocuous as possible, he opened the spout and poured just a little bit on the floor.
The effect it had was immediate. The Quevvil stilled and sniffed the air, eyes wide and wondering. Ianto spilled a bit more out, discretely spreading it about with his foot.
Three more Quevvils came from a back room, and all four aliens made double-time to the spilled salt. They snuffled and licked at the grains on the floor, shoving one another out of the way, completely distracted. Ianto threw the rest of the salt on the floor, watching as Lisa threw the console she'd received into the stack behind the counter, sending them tumbling with a very satisfying crash.
They turned at the sound, torn between the salt and their duty to protect the game consoles. Ianto solved their problem by ripping open the top of the box and hurling it to the floor. The white granules exploded as the box hit the ground, and the Quevvils dove for the new bounty. Lisa grabbed his hand and they bolted from the shop and didn't stop running until they were blocks away. They gasped for air around frantic, hysterical laughter.
"One more to go," Lisa said with a laugh.
"Can't wait," Ianto replied, tugging on her hand. "C'mon, I see another one."
-----
"Oh. My. God."
Ianto leaned over to look at the computer screen over her shoulder. "What?"
"Somebody figured it out," she said, pointing to the screen. "Kill aliens for real!" she quoted. "Know someone you wish would go on holiday and never come back? Oh God, it's only going for 500 quid."
"Human lives on the cheap," Ianto said. "Got to be a kid."
"Someone in debt from having to buy all those tickets," she said. "Somebody with a bunch of consoles and holiday tickets."
"I think a person who's priced human life at 500 pounds isn't buying tickets," he told her.
Lisa took a deep breath and rubbed her face with her hands. "There's some other people saying the game's dangerous, that people need to stop."
"Is it working?" Ianto asked.
"God, I hope so."
-----
"Who beat the game?" Lisa asked, eyes wide.
John shrugged. "Hell if we know." He looked around before leaning in conspiratorially. "Rumor has it that it was the Doctor. R & D is saying he's the only one who could crack all those puzzles."
"No!" Lisa exclaimed, her eyes wide.
"Did she ever find the people who sussed out what was really going on?" Ianto asked. "We watched those gaming sites, someone figured it out and was selling the consoles and holiday tickets."
John nodded. "Some guy named Darren Pye. From the Powell Estate. Yeah," he added, grinning, "Like that new Companion of his. We can't find Pye. We think he decided to take one of those holidays himself and never came back."
Ianto looked down at his lunch, trying not to be sick. He needed to put this behind him; he couldn't have known that his character was a live person. "Can people still play it?" he asked.
"That's how we knew the game was beat," the Scotsman said, taking a bite of his food. He chewed and swallowed before continuing. "Everything stopped. We can't access the game anymore, not even the intro bit. The console, though, is amazing. Chocked full of alien tech. Yvonne's going spare, trying to locate every single game. Imagine what would happen if someone cracked it open."
"I got an email from Cardiff this morning," Lisa said. "Their tech expert's got a hold of four of the consoles." She looked down at her own lunch, giving a little bit of a grin. "Hartman said something about sending me down there for a bit, see their Rift Manipulator, that sort of thing."
"Yeah?" Ianto asked, feigning disinterest.
"Yep." She grinned, taking a bite of her own lunch. "If I go, I'm going to need a guide."
“A guide?” John said, grinning. “I bet you could find a lot of them in Cardiff. Prettier than this ugly bloke too,” he teased. Ianto rolled his eyes.
“Why would I pay someone to guide me about?” Lisa replied with a laugh. “Ianto will do it for free. He has to, that’s what he’s for.”
“Oh, I feel loved,” the Welshman deadpanned. “That’s it. I’m putting in for a transfer to Three after lunch.”
“Then you’ll definitely have to be my guide if I go to Cardiff,” Lisa said, smiling at him. “It’s only polite. And since you grew up there, I bet you know more about the city than anyone at Three. I mean, their director’s American!”
Ianto gave a mock sigh. "Well, I guess it would be only fair for you to meet my family since I met yours," he relented before giving her a warm smile. She returned it, reaching over to put her hand over his and squeezing it gently.
"Oh for crying out loud, go find an empty supply closet already," John teased.
Chapter Three: Winner Takes All
Date Written: 11/8/08
Rating: PG-13/T
Word Count: 3,050
Fandom: Torchwood/Doctor Who
Characters/Pairings: Ianto Jones/Lisa Hallet, OCs, mentioned Yvonne Hartman
Spoilers: Season 02 of Doctor Who and for the Ninth Doctor Adventure novel Winner Takes All
Warnings: Het. OMG yes, that's right.
Author's Notes: Thanks so very much to my darling betas totally4ryo and katestamps, and also to cazmalfoy for being such a dear and answering my question about British candy and currency. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you London Torchwood Ianto Jones!
Summaries for the books can be found at Wikipedia, at the Doctor Who wiki, and at Doctorwhoguide.com.
Previous chapters found here.
"Death to Mantodeans?" Ianto Jones asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Sounds just awful, doesn't it?" Lisa Hallet said, giving a big grin. "Can't get my brother to stop playing it, though, he's addicted. He says it's hard as hell."
"A hard game with the title Death to Mantodeans," Ianto repeated, sitting back in his seat and giving a wide grin. "Sounds like a contradiction if you ask me."
She laughed, her head falling back and revealing the long column of her neck. Ianto leaned in and pressed his mouth against it, smiling a little when he felt her pulse speed up just a little under his lips. "Ianto, I'm trying to have a serious conversation here," she teased, giving him a little bit of a shove.
"A serious conversation about a video game?" he teased back, nipping at her skin this time. "What, are you secretly a bloke?"
Lisa shoved him again, hard enough to push him back against the sofa. She was laughing as she climbed up into his lap, his hands on her waist for balance. "You know good and well I'm not, Jones."
"Oh, I don't know," Ianto said mock-seriously, his fingers slipping teasingly underneath the hem of her shirt. "We do work for Torchwood. Who knows what sort of alien tech you could have gotten into." She laughed but leaned into him when he tipped his head up, pushing her plush lips against his. His hand sneaked up her stomach as they kissed, making her squirm deliciously in his lap as he brushed over ticklish spots.
He'd just cupped one breast through the lace of her bra when she pulled back, panting a little. "Ianto, seriously," she said, licking her lips.
Ianto groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. God, sometimes he hated how focused she could get on something.
"It's my little brother," she said, her hands on his shoulders. "Please say you'll at least look into it?"
"What do you want me to do about it?" he asked. "Seriously."
"Just check the archives tomorrow at work, see if the name Mantodeans shows up," she asked, leaning over to lay a feather-soft kiss on him. "Please?"
"Okay," Ianto relented. Like he'd ever be able to tell her no. "But if I get fired, I'm moving in with you, got it?"
-----
"There aren't any alien species called Mantodeans," Lisa said, sounding frustrated as she leafed through the pages Ianto had printed out for her. "Are you sure? Is this all?"
"I even checked some of the crackpot places on the Web, the ones that are occasionally correct," Ianto verified. "No aliens, just a game." He cocked his head to the side. "Why are you so worried about this?"
"It's just -- " she sighed and propped her chin in her hand. "You're going to laugh."
"Oh ye of little faith," Ianto deadpanned.
"It's just games are the only thing we really have in common, me and Jason," she told him. "I was almost a teen when he was born. Independent, wanted my own life, that sort of thing. Now that I'm not at home and he's almost a teen, and into video games, I have something I can use to connect to him." She looked at him, expecting him to laugh.
Ianto shrugged and took a sip of his coffee. "My sister and I used to bond over clothing," he replied. "I'd go dress shopping with her. Trust me, until you've said 'Yeah, that looks nice, but you don't have the tits to pull it off' to your sister in front of a shop girl, I won't laugh at you and your brother and video games."
Lisa laughed a little and set the pages aside. "You win. Anyway. Games are hyped for ages, massive advert campaigns, test groups, reviews of people talking about how amazing it is. Especially for a game like this one is supposed to be, the shooter games."
"And this one wasn't?" Ianto asked.
"No, it just appeared overnight." She leaned in over the table. "He got it free from some lottery game Mum played."
"Maybe it's just a demo version," Ianto theorized. "One that only lets you play a few levels then you have to buy the whole thing at eight times what it cost to make."
Lisa shook her head. "It's not a game disk, it's a game console, like an X-Box."
Ianto thought for a moment. "Those things run about 200 pounds."
"Near enough," Lisa confirmed.
"And they're just giving them away."
She nodded.
"Sounds like someone in their Sales division needs to cut back on their drinking," Ianto said after a moment.
"Ianto!"
"Oh, calm down," he said. "You're going over to your family's for lunch tomorrow. Just talk to your brother about the game, maybe he'll let you borrow it for a bit. We can take it apart and take a look inside."
Lisa was quiet for a moment. "I have a better idea."
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "It's about time you met my parents, isn't it?"
-----
Jason frowned and looked over his shoulder. "This game is hard," he said in a petulant tone that only a preteen could achieve.
"I can see that," Ianto sympathized, moving from his chair down to sit next to the boy. "Can I try?"
Jason handed over the controller and turned his attention to the screen. When Ianto and Lisa had asked about the game, the boy had been more than happy to show them. The intro to the game had been informative and just a little frightening: two alien races at war, the Quevvils (who looked like giant porcupines) and the Mantodeans (giant praying mantises). The Quevvils were attempting to get into the Mantodean stronghold, but there was a DNA lock over the base. So humans had been recruited to be used as controllers, to get into the base and lower the DNA lock so the Quevvils could kill the Mantodeans.
If it was true, it was a terrifying prospect.
After the introduction, they moved into the so-called training stage. Puzzles were presented, and when they were successfully completed doors would open. The puzzles weren't easy, which was strange; if you were giving away games to kids, you'd make the puzzles easy for kids to crack before they lost interest.
Ianto looked at the puzzle for a few moments before closing his eyes and putting himself into the Torchwood mindset. Think like you're cracking an alien puzzle, he told himself. Think like this isn't just a game, but you're at work and you're going to get written up if you don't do this properly.
He opened his eyes and his fingers seemed to move of their own accord. The puzzle glowed a bright blue as he solved it, and the view pulled back to a door sliding open.
Then there was a Mantodean, front claws slashing, then the words GAME OVER flashing in bright red.
"I hate when that happens," Jason said sympathetically, taking the controller back.
Ianto turned and gave Lisa a look that clearly said believe you now.
"Mum?" Lisa called out. "How'd you win this game again?"
Mrs. Hallet poked her head through the doorway. "Oh, it's some silly lottery they're doing down at the shops. You get a ticket for every item you purchase." She sighed. "Jason, don't start another game, lunch is almost ready."
Jason let out a whine and put his game on pause. "Hope it saves my place this time."
-----
"Anything you need?" Lisa asked as they stepped into the newsagents closest to her mother's house.
"Not particularly," Ianto admitted. "You?"
She shook her head. "How much do you have on you?"
Ianto pulled out his wallet, thumbing through the bills. "About... fifteen pounds."
"Give me a one."
"Smallest I have is a fiver," he told her.
"Then give me that."
Ianto raised his eyebrows but handed over the requested bill. Lisa took it and went up to the agent, giving her best grin. "You do those lottery things here, right?"
The man looked at her levelly, as if testing to see if she was going to be a threat. "That's right, miss."
She laid the note down on the counter. "Five hundred penny sweets, please."
Ianto mentally started making a list of people he knew at work who had a sweet tooth.
-----
"How many more left?" Lisa groaned, scratching at the silver coating with one long fingernail.
Ianto looked down at the three piles between them. The largest pile consisted of losing tickets, while another held three console winners. "Two," he said, reaching for the final two unscratched pieces.
"Together then?" Lisa asked, plucking one from his hand. "One, two..." The both looked down and started scratching at the same time.
Lisa didn't even have to finish removing all the silver. "Not a winner," she announced, sticking it on top of the losing pile. "What about you, Ianto?"
Ianto frowned, peeling the silver away with his thumbnail. "I won," he said.
"What, another console? We've more than enough," she said.
"No..." he drawled, tilting his head a little as he read. "'Winner. You and a guest have won an all expenses paid holiday'," he quoted. "It gives a pick-up time, but it doesn't say where you're going to."
"Oh my God," Lisa said suddenly. "Recruiting humans. They're literally recruiting humans."
Ianto remembered the Mantodean on the other side of the door and felt sick.
-----
The place to pick up the game consoles had Quevvils out in front of it. Ianto was boggled by their brazenness. And then he boggled at the fact that Torchwood hadn't picked up on this little detail before.
"Alien," Lisa said in a low tone.
"How do you know for sure?" Ianto asked, teasing to cover up his nerves. He was an archivist, not a field agent. He was totally out of his depth. "It could be a really good costume."
Lisa rolled her eyes. "I only work for Torchwood," she replied. "I know a non-human when I see one."
Ianto chuckled and took her hand, walking with her to the door. Both of them studiously ignored the alien standing three meters away, and the alien studiously ignored them.
They had to scan the ticket to get into the shop, and another Quevvil was standing behind the counter. They turned their ticket over and received a console. They were dismissed with a "good luck" and walked calmly down the street, still hand-in-hand, the console tucked up underneath Ianto's arm.
Then they turned the corner and ran flat-out for the metro station, hell-bent on getting to Torchwood.
-----
Yvonne Hartman's PA was a young Scotsman named John, and he was a very good friend. He was the one who had goaded Ianto into asking Lisa out for drinks after work. They doubled with his girlfriend occasionally, all of them not talking about work because she was out of the Torchwood loop.
That still didn't stop John from laughing in their faces when they asked if they could see Hartman just for a few moments.
"You're cracking me up, mate," he said. "She's got appointments until the next century, and supposedly there's been a Doctor sighting -- but you didn't hear that from me."
"So she won't see us even if it's concerning an alien invasion," Ianto said.
"This is Torchwood," John replied. "Alien invasions are our bread and butter. You're both agents, trained for anything and everything. Go kick some alien arse."
Lisa crossed her arms and tapped her foot, a sure sign that she was getting annoyed. "Right. I'll chuck some half-understood tech at them and Ianto will give them vicious paper cuts."
"You go in there now, she'll fire you so fast you won't even remember the mind wipe," John defended. "She'll fire all of us. And for all the shite I have to take, it's damn good pay."
Ianto set the console on the desk. "Look. If she has even five minutes, ask her take a peek at this. Please?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever," the Scotsman said, taking the box and stowing it under the desk at his feet.
Defeated, they left Torchwood Tower.
"So, what should we do?" Lisa asked. "If what we think is going on really is going on, we can't let them give out any more of those games."
"I'm not buying all the penny sweets in London," Ianto told her.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out the remaining two winning pieces. "We could distract them and destroy all their games," she said. "Two places, wiped out of games. That would be a start." She looked down at the pieces. "But what could distract them?"
"They look like porcupines," Ianto offered.
Lisa snorted a little. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well..." Ianto drawled. "Don't porcupines like salt?"
She looked up at him. "How do you know these things?"
"It's called an encyclopedia," he deadpanned, taking her hand. "Learn it, use it, love it."
-----
They bought two small boxes of salt and got two tickets -- both losers, both binned on the way to another console station. They scanned their way in and Ianto hung back while Lisa talked to the Quevvil behind the desk. Trying to look as innocuous as possible, he opened the spout and poured just a little bit on the floor.
The effect it had was immediate. The Quevvil stilled and sniffed the air, eyes wide and wondering. Ianto spilled a bit more out, discretely spreading it about with his foot.
Three more Quevvils came from a back room, and all four aliens made double-time to the spilled salt. They snuffled and licked at the grains on the floor, shoving one another out of the way, completely distracted. Ianto threw the rest of the salt on the floor, watching as Lisa threw the console she'd received into the stack behind the counter, sending them tumbling with a very satisfying crash.
They turned at the sound, torn between the salt and their duty to protect the game consoles. Ianto solved their problem by ripping open the top of the box and hurling it to the floor. The white granules exploded as the box hit the ground, and the Quevvils dove for the new bounty. Lisa grabbed his hand and they bolted from the shop and didn't stop running until they were blocks away. They gasped for air around frantic, hysterical laughter.
"One more to go," Lisa said with a laugh.
"Can't wait," Ianto replied, tugging on her hand. "C'mon, I see another one."
-----
"Oh. My. God."
Ianto leaned over to look at the computer screen over her shoulder. "What?"
"Somebody figured it out," she said, pointing to the screen. "Kill aliens for real!" she quoted. "Know someone you wish would go on holiday and never come back? Oh God, it's only going for 500 quid."
"Human lives on the cheap," Ianto said. "Got to be a kid."
"Someone in debt from having to buy all those tickets," she said. "Somebody with a bunch of consoles and holiday tickets."
"I think a person who's priced human life at 500 pounds isn't buying tickets," he told her.
Lisa took a deep breath and rubbed her face with her hands. "There's some other people saying the game's dangerous, that people need to stop."
"Is it working?" Ianto asked.
"God, I hope so."
-----
"Who beat the game?" Lisa asked, eyes wide.
John shrugged. "Hell if we know." He looked around before leaning in conspiratorially. "Rumor has it that it was the Doctor. R & D is saying he's the only one who could crack all those puzzles."
"No!" Lisa exclaimed, her eyes wide.
"Did she ever find the people who sussed out what was really going on?" Ianto asked. "We watched those gaming sites, someone figured it out and was selling the consoles and holiday tickets."
John nodded. "Some guy named Darren Pye. From the Powell Estate. Yeah," he added, grinning, "Like that new Companion of his. We can't find Pye. We think he decided to take one of those holidays himself and never came back."
Ianto looked down at his lunch, trying not to be sick. He needed to put this behind him; he couldn't have known that his character was a live person. "Can people still play it?" he asked.
"That's how we knew the game was beat," the Scotsman said, taking a bite of his food. He chewed and swallowed before continuing. "Everything stopped. We can't access the game anymore, not even the intro bit. The console, though, is amazing. Chocked full of alien tech. Yvonne's going spare, trying to locate every single game. Imagine what would happen if someone cracked it open."
"I got an email from Cardiff this morning," Lisa said. "Their tech expert's got a hold of four of the consoles." She looked down at her own lunch, giving a little bit of a grin. "Hartman said something about sending me down there for a bit, see their Rift Manipulator, that sort of thing."
"Yeah?" Ianto asked, feigning disinterest.
"Yep." She grinned, taking a bite of her own lunch. "If I go, I'm going to need a guide."
“A guide?” John said, grinning. “I bet you could find a lot of them in Cardiff. Prettier than this ugly bloke too,” he teased. Ianto rolled his eyes.
“Why would I pay someone to guide me about?” Lisa replied with a laugh. “Ianto will do it for free. He has to, that’s what he’s for.”
“Oh, I feel loved,” the Welshman deadpanned. “That’s it. I’m putting in for a transfer to Three after lunch.”
“Then you’ll definitely have to be my guide if I go to Cardiff,” Lisa said, smiling at him. “It’s only polite. And since you grew up there, I bet you know more about the city than anyone at Three. I mean, their director’s American!”
Ianto gave a mock sigh. "Well, I guess it would be only fair for you to meet my family since I met yours," he relented before giving her a warm smile. She returned it, reaching over to put her hand over his and squeezing it gently.
"Oh for crying out loud, go find an empty supply closet already," John teased.