Jun 22, 2007 20:09
What’s the big deal anyway? If guys and girls get together in a party and an ordinary gathering, what are the things they usually talk about? Is it really the way it is now?
Since when did virginity become an issue?
Why do guys like to get into a girl’s pants?
What’s the pleasure of doing so?
How could it affect one’s ego?
These questions I often ask myself nowadays… It’s really hard to be placed in the spotlight without being sure of the reason why! So much had taken place in my life and I’m so glad my LJ is still alive. I need this now. I need an outlet. To have something to express how I feel about these things. They are making me confuse all the time. Guys, guys, this might be the right time to find a boyfriend… but for the right reasons, too. *sigh* I just want to belong to someone sp those who tries to own me will stop their nonsense approaches. The things they did and the things that happened to me made me feel stupid and naïve at the same time. All the logic I’ve learned vanished in an instant. I can’t fight back or grasp for words to express my defying thoughts. I felt like Ella with a gift of obedience. Oh, how could I be so stupid to trust those guys? I’m never safe with them around. How can I be so stupidly, playfully, innocent? I’m not so innocent with intimate stuffs. I joke about it a lot but I’ve never done it. Uh! That could be a reason, intrigue? It must be. Have I made myself mysteriously naughty? I know I’ve played around a little bit too much. But I didn’t do it on purpose! It’s just the ay I am now….
They keep on comparing how I behave before and how I’m behaving now… people change you know! I’ve transformed myself from being all the goodie-girlie into someone playful and naughty. It made me more approachable and easy to be comfortable with. I’ve just opened up a little bit to the world I used to hide from. I did it to enjoy life! Is it that bad? I mean… life gets a little boring if I’m always doing good, right? I just want to add some spice to my social life. Now how’s that? Is it bad already to be open-minded and to think of positive outcomes most of the time? I just became a little bit practical with my thoughts. Have some fun! Fun! Fun! But when fun stops, danger starts. Though I’m aware of my limitations, curiosity is a great threat. But I love how I think things over. I’ve found control. It’s not bad to take pleasure once in a while, but be sure when to have it and when not to have it. But they think of me otherwise… am I that bad now? Yes, I do flirting in a playful and joking manner. But I was never serious with anything. As I’ve made it clear for how many times… I only like to joke about it! It’s really funny and exciting and nice to laugh at. But they take my jokes seriously. Maybe it’s because I used to be a serious girl before. And when I’m serious now, it’s hard to convince them.
There’s a lot that goes through my mind. I don’t really consider them as problems but those keeps on bugging me and gives me sleepless nights. When it all did start anyway? I’m not sure if I can remember it still. I like being this way because I can do exciting things and not regret for not doing it. I gained new acquaintances and new friends. The whole thing has good outcomes but the impression people have about me now isn’t any better. I admit, I talk too much about the changes I have gone through. At least I’m open about myself now, unlike before that I used to hide from the rest of the world. Can I still change their new impression about me? In reality, I’m a nice girl… I just want to try new stuffs and live a little different from before. Uh! How can I make them see what I’ve change was just the exterior of my shell? What’s inside is nothing different from before. I added colors to make it brighter and have a new life.
But the worse is, guys think of me differently now. *argh* I’m not a girl who enjoys sex whenever I fancy! Why are they thinking of me that way?! I haven’t shown any motive of some sort to those guys or to anyone! Someone - a guy - told me that he thought of me that way because of my eyes. What’s so different about my eyes; because I could talk to him while having eye contact? What’s wrong with that? It’s normal, for me… Another guy told me that he thought about me that way because of how I dress. What’s wrong with my clothes this time? Okay… before I used to wear simple, baggy clothes. What’s wrong with playing new outfits? At least I have not gone to wearing tubes and tank tops! They’re just plain body-hugging blouses. And it’s not my fault that I have curves… all girls have curves! And it’s not my fault too that I also smell good! It’s as if I’m the one who mixed poison with perfume…. My perfume must’ve fir me perfectly. Guess what again…. Another stupid guy keeps on teasing me for having big boobs. Duh! It’s really not. I guess it has something to do with the shape of my body. I have a small waist that’s why my boobs look big. *sigh* is it a really big deal to have big ones? *argh* Then there’s another guy so eager to have me when he arrives here. It doesn’t necessarily mean that if I talk too much, I know as much! Hello… It’s sex education?!
All those guys I mentioned tried their best tactics to make me give away. But nobody has succeeded, yet. I know what they want from me. They want to confirm that I’m still intact or in other words, a virgin. Is it that hard to believe that I am? Just because I drink, smoke occasionally, go home late at night sometimes, hang out with some boys (mostly my frat bros), fight back and adds up to their crazy green jokes, flirt a little when they’re maliciously texting me, travel to far places with friends, I’m not a virgin anymore? I admit, I do those deviant things but I’m still using my brain… I know my own limitations! Is it hard to believe that I can take control of myself? No matter hoe hard they try to lure me, I know myself better than they do. And excuse me but I don’t like hurting other girl’s feelings. To think those guys have girlfriends! What are they thinking talking and acting sweet and pleading to be a part of my life, just to have me? Uh! I’m beginning to hate the virginity thing. Can I just get rid of it so no guy would want to be my boyfriend just to have it? In a positive way, I could find a guy who’s true enough to love me for what I am… I wish it’s that easy to get rid of… but the good side of me is telling me to hold my horses and wait.
I can’t see the point why of all girls, they’ve chosen me to be the ‘it’. I mean, there are girls who show their motives to the guys but I’m not one of those. I’d better stay behind. I just do what I want without sending an offset message that I’m asking for something else. Is being careful about it makes me more intriguing and challenging? I guess so. Like, I’ve set them a challenge when I shared to them a piece of my newfound liberty. I could also do so-and-so but could keep myself from danger when I want to. I mean… I give way for pleasure and stop myself from addiction. *sigh* they’re making my head ache!
Hey! I know I’m not that pretty…. That’s why I’m wondering why all of a sudden they did those things to me… I look plain and ordinary… *shout* Maybe the challenge got worse when they found out that I’m part of an organization. It is a collegiate service fraternity and sorority and I need to be made of hard stuff to join that. The shock and amazement molded into a craving to know the real score. And I’m sorry to tell them that what they did is not the right move. If they are up for a challenge, I will give them one. But it’s not the right thing to do, is it? Should I just be quiet and return to my old shell? Or stay like this and show them that no matter what I do, no one will be as close to me as what they want to be? Guys… you’re challenging the wrong girl here. Now all of you will be wishing and begging to have me but you just CAN’T! Hahaha! *evil laugh*