aaaaaaaaaargh
One person should not have this much hate in them! It is unhealthy. I keep telling myself it's not my fault, which is technically true, but I need to quit with learned helplessness or I'll develop an external locus of control and die of a heart problem.
I really need to stop analyzing everything. I blame AP psych.
There is a very good chance J.T. won't be coming home for Christmas. Which makes me sad for all the usual reasons; happy, happy, happy, excited to see him, expectations up, and then BAM. The BAM comes from the USMC, (not Emeril). And then I cry a lot, which is never good. Because they're all like, no, we don't allow happy couples here. You must have all your hopes and dreams crushed now. And this happens over and over again. Is this NOT one of the reasons we went on a little break this time last year? Grrrrr. This is where all the effing HATE comes from. bitterbitterbitterness. You think I'll ever be normal again?
OK on a nicer note I've been feeling pretty good lately. The ridiculous occasional bouts of not-too-serious depression stopped. Now my moodiness is uaually set off by a specific event.
I'm feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Well this stupid no J.T. probably for Christmas has quelled that quite a bit, but I WAS, so it'll probably come back.
I've got school pretty much under control. Now that marching band is over, it's a lot easier to manage. And I decided not to do the musical, so it should stay easy.
College applications, not so much under control. urgh. I have so many essays to write I don't even want to start chipping away at them. The Claremont schools probably won't accept me anyway because I'm not good enough for THEM, so I don't know why I really bother. I got an effing 490 on my freaking math SAT. I'M PISSED. Which reminds me, I need to send out my ACT scores tonight because I did better on that math section.
(Don't worry I'm not always this pessimistic. This is just where I vomit all my negativities out.)
What else? oh work! Well for the longest time I've been saying I'm going to quit by Christmas break, but I haven't had any spending money in SO LONG and I'm sick of it. I mean really, first I was saving up to see J.T. over the summer, then marching band so not very many hours and tiny paychecks which I spent mostly on food and toiletries, plus saving up money for California two weeks ago, now saving up for Christmas! Argh. And there's so much I "need" too. Well, I don't really need, but I'm dying to have, some nice perfume, a dooney and bourke purse, some skinny jeans, certain makeup items...and I just haven't been shopping in so long! I'm afraid if I postpone quitting this wretchid job for too long, it'll never happen. Because of course there will always be something expensive for me to want. Arg, why do I have to be so materialistic? What I really wanted was a waitressing job, but most places only let 18-year-olds do it.
(Did you really read this far? congrats. I wouldn't've done it.)
There's soooo much more on my mind right now, but I think that'll suffice for now.
I really need to stop analyzing everything. I blame AP psych.
There is a very good chance J.T. won't be coming home for Christmas. Which makes me sad for all the usual reasons; happy, happy, happy, excited to see him, expectations up, and then BAM. The BAM comes from the USMC, (not Emeril). And then I cry a lot, which is never good. Because they're all like, no, we don't allow happy couples here. You must have all your hopes and dreams crushed now. And this happens over and over again. Is this NOT one of the reasons we went on a little break this time last year? Grrrrr. This is where all the effing HATE comes from. bitterbitterbitterness. You think I'll ever be normal again?
OK on a nicer note I've been feeling pretty good lately. The ridiculous occasional bouts of not-too-serious depression stopped. Now my moodiness is uaually set off by a specific event.
I'm feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Well this stupid no J.T. probably for Christmas has quelled that quite a bit, but I WAS, so it'll probably come back.
I've got school pretty much under control. Now that marching band is over, it's a lot easier to manage. And I decided not to do the musical, so it should stay easy.
College applications, not so much under control. urgh. I have so many essays to write I don't even want to start chipping away at them. The Claremont schools probably won't accept me anyway because I'm not good enough for THEM, so I don't know why I really bother. I got an effing 490 on my freaking math SAT. I'M PISSED. Which reminds me, I need to send out my ACT scores tonight because I did better on that math section.
(Don't worry I'm not always this pessimistic. This is just where I vomit all my negativities out.)
What else? oh work! Well for the longest time I've been saying I'm going to quit by Christmas break, but I haven't had any spending money in SO LONG and I'm sick of it. I mean really, first I was saving up to see J.T. over the summer, then marching band so not very many hours and tiny paychecks which I spent mostly on food and toiletries, plus saving up money for California two weeks ago, now saving up for Christmas! Argh. And there's so much I "need" too. Well, I don't really need, but I'm dying to have, some nice perfume, a dooney and bourke purse, some skinny jeans, certain makeup items...and I just haven't been shopping in so long! I'm afraid if I postpone quitting this wretchid job for too long, it'll never happen. Because of course there will always be something expensive for me to want. Arg, why do I have to be so materialistic? What I really wanted was a waitressing job, but most places only let 18-year-olds do it.
(Did you really read this far? congrats. I wouldn't've done it.)
There's soooo much more on my mind right now, but I think that'll suffice for now.