(no subject)
I will not be the girl stuck at home in the 'burbs With the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs...
I have done nothing all day. Absolutely nothing. I should have been rehearsing songs, going to Colony, looking for audition material, reading plays, doing character analyses...any number of things. But instead, I woke up at 2pm and have only accomplished purchasing groceries, making and eating pasta, and finishing off half a can of frosting because-it's-cheaper-than-ice cream. I feel disgusting, slothful, and depressed.
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues...
I've been without my happy pills for a week, thanks to my mother dearest, and I'm starting to feel the full effects of my chemical imbalances. Dealing with that would be enough fun in itself, but it's thrown on top of the academic transition into fourth semester classes. Wrestling with a self-destructive personality isn't burden enough, so Life threw in on top of that a two-hour class spent staring at camera footage of myself, and musical theater classes that quickly and efficiently tear to shreds any scintilla of ego my drama showcase had built up in me.
I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels to be trotting along at the genius's heels...
Drama showcase went remarkably well. I received compliments from strangers. My director told his class my work was "brilliant." I felt that I might actually belong here. But a week later, I find myself trying to do what I know I'm capable of while holding sheets of music and it all goes to Hell. I have the most enigmatic, supportive teacher in the world- who just happens to be a wonderful Broadway actor- helping me and encouraging me, and I still fuck up and inevitably wonder why I'm trying to get into a business that I so obviously don't belong in. And I wonder what I'm going to do with myself when I'm not good at what I want to do but I don't want to do what I'm good at. I refuse to "fail" but does that just lead to me being delusional and wasting time and money and energy and health and sanity?
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by. And I...
I have the most enigmatic, supportive man in the world encouraging me and telling me to look forward to the future- our future- and I still dread it, I'm still terrified because I know that I can't be happy with my life if I can't be happy with myself. And what do I have to look foward to, for myself? Right now my future is bleak, and misdirected and depressing. And I will not drag a person I love into that, into my world with my demons, by being a burden on them financially and emotionally.
When you come home to me I'll wear a sweeter smile...
I have done nothing all day. Absolutely nothing. I should have been rehearsing songs, going to Colony, looking for audition material, reading plays, doing character analyses...any number of things. But instead, I woke up at 2pm and have only accomplished purchasing groceries, making and eating pasta, and finishing off half a can of frosting because-it's-cheaper-than-ice cream. I feel disgusting, slothful, and depressed.
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues...
I've been without my happy pills for a week, thanks to my mother dearest, and I'm starting to feel the full effects of my chemical imbalances. Dealing with that would be enough fun in itself, but it's thrown on top of the academic transition into fourth semester classes. Wrestling with a self-destructive personality isn't burden enough, so Life threw in on top of that a two-hour class spent staring at camera footage of myself, and musical theater classes that quickly and efficiently tear to shreds any scintilla of ego my drama showcase had built up in me.
I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels to be trotting along at the genius's heels...
Drama showcase went remarkably well. I received compliments from strangers. My director told his class my work was "brilliant." I felt that I might actually belong here. But a week later, I find myself trying to do what I know I'm capable of while holding sheets of music and it all goes to Hell. I have the most enigmatic, supportive teacher in the world- who just happens to be a wonderful Broadway actor- helping me and encouraging me, and I still fuck up and inevitably wonder why I'm trying to get into a business that I so obviously don't belong in. And I wonder what I'm going to do with myself when I'm not good at what I want to do but I don't want to do what I'm good at. I refuse to "fail" but does that just lead to me being delusional and wasting time and money and energy and health and sanity?
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by. And I...
I have the most enigmatic, supportive man in the world encouraging me and telling me to look forward to the future- our future- and I still dread it, I'm still terrified because I know that I can't be happy with my life if I can't be happy with myself. And what do I have to look foward to, for myself? Right now my future is bleak, and misdirected and depressing. And I will not drag a person I love into that, into my world with my demons, by being a burden on them financially and emotionally.
When you come home to me I'll wear a sweeter smile...