"its okay, its okay, that this is not exactly where i wanted to be"
Ive been stuck with Ivy League TX song Jaded in my head because of the line "its okay, its okay, that this is not exactly where i really wanted to be". Very rapidly I am approaching 30 and although age is just a number I also know that I am getting "wiser" or at least looking at things in my life a little differently than i would have say, five years ago. So when I sit in my one bedroom townhouse after working a job that I love i often have to find things wrong with myself or my living situation. Constantly making myself self aware that I dont pay my bills, or that i havent bought new shoes in a year or that i never do the laundry i need to do, or why there are still dishes in my sink from a breakfast that was made a year ago. I fail to take care of myself in conventional ways and I blow money on dumb shit. But really though am i manufacturing the self hate or has our current society made me feel bad about the way i live my life? Why have i refused to do those dishes? Why did it take me a year to hang anything on my walls at my house? Why do I throw myself in romantic situations I know will fail before a years end? Why is it that every time something in my life happens that is an adversity or hardship i just want to sell everything i own and move somewhere else? I read something today about how empathy is not necessarily a good thing for people because it makes you totally unaware of your own actions and damn does that ring true for me. Am I happy? Do I tell myself I am just to feel good? Do i really love myself is the real question, and if i really dont then how do i achieve that? As with any livejournal post i ever write i am sure i will look back at this in 10 years and think about how fucking dumb i was to write something so stupid. But reading over the past few days have really put my mind into a different gear and i miss relaying all of my thoughts on to some sort of medium. I need to convince myself that a job a house and a kids are not the things in life that make you happy.