Square Cube…... Round Hole
Square Cube…... Round Hole
Frustration, the dictionary describes it as the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals, an act of hindering someone's plans or efforts, and a feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized. I do believe that hits everything on the head. Why am I experiencing this lovely emotion you ask? I wish it was that easy.
Throughout my life I have always come across as “The Good One”. I have always been the one to try to keep others happy. Always been the one to push to do the right thing. I have made my mistakes in life, but none on truly monumental levels.
The Problem, you ask? In my family of powerful leaders, I have become a puppet, a very valuable puppet that is thought to need extra care and hands on attention. In this time where my independence should be blossoming into its full glory, my independence has been choked into a trickling faucet so that instead of a healthy flow I am stuck with a miniscule drip. Since Jon has come into my life he has helped to shape me and has helped me to break through the wall and has helped me to slowly find myself enough to start to threaten the strength of the hold. My miniscule drip of independence is building strength, my ability to handle myself through my own situations is getting increasingly better with time yet my loved ones can’t allow themselves to let go. They demonstrate a lack of faith in me, in my abilities to be myself and make my own choices, but most of all whether they realize it or not, they have become so determined so set in their ways that they are showing a lack of faith in God and his plan.
My loved ones, in their full best of intentions I am sure, have taken me and have tried to shove me on to this pedestal of perfection that is unreachably high, and they take what they see on the outside and decide that I need to follow the path that they have laid out for me, the path that comes together as they have planed and dreamed it. They are trying to shove me through the round hold forgetting the whole time that the person they are trying to fit through the round hole is in fact, a square cube and has not been designed to fit into that round hole. Because I love them all the way I do, I try to do as they ask, but I am human and I stumble. And no matter how hard I try the fact of the matter still remains that I am a square cube that is trying to fit through a round hole that was not designed for me. Just as in childhood, no matter how hard you sit there banging and mashing on that cube the only way the cube is ever going to make it through a round hole is if it is cut and destroyed.
The thing that really hurts in all this is the fall from the pedestal. All this time my friends, sisters really, have been looking up at me and have tried to shove me on to a pedestal that is higher then any human can stand on. It might work for a while, but at some point the fact that I am human and far from perfect catches up to me and a crash becomes inevitable. What hurts even more is that I wasn’t able to see this pedestal in full light until it was too late and it had already crumbled beneath me sending me speeding toward the ground. Instead of coming to my aide and helping me stand again from the fall, I feel as if my sisters have decided to leave me there fallen on the floor and that they have turned their backs and climbed higher on to their pedestals and look down at me sneering and judging, and I think that is one of the most painful things of all.
I am not perfect. I am a human and a sinner. I will make mistakes just as they make mistakes, but the Lord is wonderful and forgiving of ALL sins, not just a few here and there. That is the majesty of Christ and what he did for us. And I do not believe that it is for us to judge and attack others for a mistake they have made and repented for. That is between the sinner(s) and the Lord, and as sisters in Christ I feel that we are called to lift one another up and to help one another along the way and to keep someone in check if they are doing something wrong. It is not our duty to stand there rubbing extra salt on an already stinging wound that has been healed.
In some ways I do suppose that it is a good thing that the pedestal has been removed in the way it did, for it means that we can clear the air and remind them that I belong on the ground just like all the other sinners in the world. And hopefully we can at least prevent them from having to go through the same thing.
Frustration, the dictionary describes it as the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals, an act of hindering someone's plans or efforts, and a feeling of annoyance at being hindered or criticized. I do believe that hits everything on the head. Why am I experiencing this lovely emotion you ask? I wish it was that easy.
Throughout my life I have always come across as “The Good One”. I have always been the one to try to keep others happy. Always been the one to push to do the right thing. I have made my mistakes in life, but none on truly monumental levels.
The Problem, you ask? In my family of powerful leaders, I have become a puppet, a very valuable puppet that is thought to need extra care and hands on attention. In this time where my independence should be blossoming into its full glory, my independence has been choked into a trickling faucet so that instead of a healthy flow I am stuck with a miniscule drip. Since Jon has come into my life he has helped to shape me and has helped me to break through the wall and has helped me to slowly find myself enough to start to threaten the strength of the hold. My miniscule drip of independence is building strength, my ability to handle myself through my own situations is getting increasingly better with time yet my loved ones can’t allow themselves to let go. They demonstrate a lack of faith in me, in my abilities to be myself and make my own choices, but most of all whether they realize it or not, they have become so determined so set in their ways that they are showing a lack of faith in God and his plan.
My loved ones, in their full best of intentions I am sure, have taken me and have tried to shove me on to this pedestal of perfection that is unreachably high, and they take what they see on the outside and decide that I need to follow the path that they have laid out for me, the path that comes together as they have planed and dreamed it. They are trying to shove me through the round hold forgetting the whole time that the person they are trying to fit through the round hole is in fact, a square cube and has not been designed to fit into that round hole. Because I love them all the way I do, I try to do as they ask, but I am human and I stumble. And no matter how hard I try the fact of the matter still remains that I am a square cube that is trying to fit through a round hole that was not designed for me. Just as in childhood, no matter how hard you sit there banging and mashing on that cube the only way the cube is ever going to make it through a round hole is if it is cut and destroyed.
The thing that really hurts in all this is the fall from the pedestal. All this time my friends, sisters really, have been looking up at me and have tried to shove me on to a pedestal that is higher then any human can stand on. It might work for a while, but at some point the fact that I am human and far from perfect catches up to me and a crash becomes inevitable. What hurts even more is that I wasn’t able to see this pedestal in full light until it was too late and it had already crumbled beneath me sending me speeding toward the ground. Instead of coming to my aide and helping me stand again from the fall, I feel as if my sisters have decided to leave me there fallen on the floor and that they have turned their backs and climbed higher on to their pedestals and look down at me sneering and judging, and I think that is one of the most painful things of all.
I am not perfect. I am a human and a sinner. I will make mistakes just as they make mistakes, but the Lord is wonderful and forgiving of ALL sins, not just a few here and there. That is the majesty of Christ and what he did for us. And I do not believe that it is for us to judge and attack others for a mistake they have made and repented for. That is between the sinner(s) and the Lord, and as sisters in Christ I feel that we are called to lift one another up and to help one another along the way and to keep someone in check if they are doing something wrong. It is not our duty to stand there rubbing extra salt on an already stinging wound that has been healed.
In some ways I do suppose that it is a good thing that the pedestal has been removed in the way it did, for it means that we can clear the air and remind them that I belong on the ground just like all the other sinners in the world. And hopefully we can at least prevent them from having to go through the same thing.