Breaking, bleeding and the whole dirty game
I say I understand when I don't. I say okay when it's not.
I am learning to recognize the difference in myself and others. So here I am. I need to talk things out. I can't not talk it out. I can't let it go. I have to ask, pry, beg, pester, hound, and demand. And then I have to resolve. Everything. I cannot let it go. I have to make it better. I have to say I'm sorry until it finally sinks in. The problem is... in certain cases... people do NOT want to talk back. They want to let it die... and they want to sulk about it. It doesn't work well for me. I think it comes easier if I know what exactly happened. But sometimes, I have no idea. I don't understand what happened. I'm a little frustrated because I hate drama. I am 25, when does it stop?
I also have no confidence. I need to work on this. It pisses me off, honestly. I am capable of so many things, it's ridiculous. I think I'm pretty, most days, when I look in the mirror. But not every day. I can raise a child, even if some days, I can't get it right. I am not a bad person. I'm a slightly misbehaved person, who's direction and lack of confidence lead me to make choices I might not otherwise make... but it happens. I am very much like Meredith Grey. I realize she's a fictional character, but she very well could have been designed after me. Here is what I tell myself, when I get down: How does this happen? As a runner... I can force myself to survive miles upon miles. My easy run is now longer than my old long runs. I will go up hills on purpose... I can endure all of that... why can't I have some more confidence in myself? What is going on.
I sometimes need compliments-or maybe encouragement is how I mean that.... although compliments are nice, and there is not many to give this to me. Further, I feel like somehow my energy is being consumed. I am dragging, because I can't do it for myself all the time. You know, I should be able to. I should be able to believe everything that people occasionally say to me, and hold onto it, keeping it until I need a refill, and I can pull it out and use it to keep my heart buoyant enough... but I can't always. I've been called crazy, for not seeing the better side of me, but... crazy or not I'm not good at it. I need to stop focusing on the flaws, no matter how obvious they seem to me... because I might just be the only one who sees them.
Well, I've about lost my drive to write tonight
I am learning to recognize the difference in myself and others. So here I am. I need to talk things out. I can't not talk it out. I can't let it go. I have to ask, pry, beg, pester, hound, and demand. And then I have to resolve. Everything. I cannot let it go. I have to make it better. I have to say I'm sorry until it finally sinks in. The problem is... in certain cases... people do NOT want to talk back. They want to let it die... and they want to sulk about it. It doesn't work well for me. I think it comes easier if I know what exactly happened. But sometimes, I have no idea. I don't understand what happened. I'm a little frustrated because I hate drama. I am 25, when does it stop?
I also have no confidence. I need to work on this. It pisses me off, honestly. I am capable of so many things, it's ridiculous. I think I'm pretty, most days, when I look in the mirror. But not every day. I can raise a child, even if some days, I can't get it right. I am not a bad person. I'm a slightly misbehaved person, who's direction and lack of confidence lead me to make choices I might not otherwise make... but it happens. I am very much like Meredith Grey. I realize she's a fictional character, but she very well could have been designed after me. Here is what I tell myself, when I get down: How does this happen? As a runner... I can force myself to survive miles upon miles. My easy run is now longer than my old long runs. I will go up hills on purpose... I can endure all of that... why can't I have some more confidence in myself? What is going on.
I sometimes need compliments-or maybe encouragement is how I mean that.... although compliments are nice, and there is not many to give this to me. Further, I feel like somehow my energy is being consumed. I am dragging, because I can't do it for myself all the time. You know, I should be able to. I should be able to believe everything that people occasionally say to me, and hold onto it, keeping it until I need a refill, and I can pull it out and use it to keep my heart buoyant enough... but I can't always. I've been called crazy, for not seeing the better side of me, but... crazy or not I'm not good at it. I need to stop focusing on the flaws, no matter how obvious they seem to me... because I might just be the only one who sees them.
Well, I've about lost my drive to write tonight